Monthly Archives: July 2017
Terence McNeill, the multilingual stove-fitter from East Tyrone, is said to be in full extensive stove training after sources from within the McGregor camp claim he’s to turn his hand to mastering stove-fitting after he conquers the boxing arena.
UFC fighter Conor McGregor, who takes on the unbeaten boxer Floyd Mayweather in August under boxing rules, has reportedly already started investigating the world of stove-fitting by YouTubing flue collars, sprigots and vitreous pipes.
McNeill, who has been fitting stoves since he could walk, has rubbished McGregor’s attempts to edge in on his territory:
“That boy better not be thinking he’s going to move in on my turf and fit them better, faster and cheaper than I do. He’s hasn’t a hope. The bollocks wouldn’t know a hardiebacker if it punched him in the bake, like I’ll be doing.”
Friends of McNeill claim he has started to take training a bit too seriously, including trash-talking with family and neighbours.
Local postman Patsy Mulligan claimed they nearly came to blows this morning:
“I was only leaving in a leaflet from Lidl and he called me a motherf**ker and a bitch and something about splattering my head off the canvas. Only his wife came in between him I’d have stretched him out on the lawn. He’d need to be careful with that talk around here.”
A press conference featuring McNeill and McGregor is scheduled for Tessies around November.
A 45-year-old budding golfer from Ardboe, who took up the sport last month, was asked to leave the British Open Golf Championship in Southport, England, for shouting ‘Mullinahoe’ just as crucial putts were being made on the 18th green.
Billy Forbes, who was attending his first golf tournament this weekend, touched down in Aldergrove tonight stating a serious misunderstanding had been the cause of his eviction:
“I asked the lads in the bar at home what them people were shouting when golfers made a putt, especially in America. They said ‘Mullinahoe’ which is where I was brought up. They said it was in recognition of great Irish golfers over the years. I didn’t know they were really shouting ‘get in the hole’. I was set up.”
Things came to a head when Rory McIlroy heard the ‘Mullinahoe’ shout before he’d even made the shot and pointed him out to the stewards. Fellow spectators said he’d already shouted it over 100 times by that stage.
Meanwhile a bid by the Brackaville 9-hole golf course to hold the 2024 Irish Open met a slight hitch today during an early inspection process by Irish golfing officials, after their head inspector, Graham O’Connor (65), was butted by a buck goat up the 5th hole.
Following on from the news that the Tyrone senior team regularly pray together before big games, it has emerged that the Supreme Pontiff is monitoring the situation and was spotted wearing a Tyrone jersey with ‘McCarron’ on the back of it.
Sources from inside the Vatican revealed that the Bishop of Rome now considers the Tyrone county team’s run as the greatest thing to happen to religion in Ireland since Pope John Paul II downed a gin and tonic in Cagney’s Bar in Drogheda during his 1979 visit.
Pope Francis’ closest Irish friend, Monsignor McCrory from Dungannon, added:
“He’s Tyrone mad, ever since he heard about the rosary craic. He even hates Armagh now which is a bit problematic seeing that’s the seat of the Primate of All Ireland. Francis has been watching videos of old matches and says his favourite players are Ricey McMenamin and Harry McClure.”
Meanwhile, it has emerged that some fringe Tyrone players are now going to Mass up to 3 times a day in between training in order to force their way onto the starting 15. Sources also claim that Darren McCurry has been saying ‘Amen’ louder than anyone else in recent weeks, hoping for a quarter-final start.
Finally, Ardboe have denied allegations that Kyle Coney was removed from the panel last year for failing to know the Third Glorious Mystery – The Descent of the Holy Spirit. There were claims that Coney thought the 3rd mystery was Hub Hughes’ point in the All Ireland final of 2008.
After receiving advice on how to deal with the decimation of her tomatoes this summer, a Cookstown woman has stumbled upon the unlikely source of her problem by setting up cider traps at night.
Convinced that slugs and snails were devouring her legendary vegetables, a local gardening expert advised Mary McNally to trap the shelled gastropods by using small doses of cider inside bottle tops. It was only when she heard a rustling outside one night that she caught the culprit:
“It was the husband all along. He’d put the gardener up to saying to me about the cider so he could go out and get sloshed in the garden whilst I slept. I looked out one night and there he was, off his head drinking the cider from the bottle tops, singing rebel songs, and, to top it all off, eating the snails himself as well as the tomatoes.”
John McNally admitted to the cider/snail/tomato consumption when caught red-handed and has since added SatNav to his phone so that his wife knows where he is at any given time of the night.
NcNally also denies any wrongdoing in the poor carrot crop this year in his garden despite his wife, suspiciously now, again being told by the same expert gardener to leave beer and dirty magazines beside the carrots to ward off bats and badgers.
£40,000 Valium Uncovered In Edendork By PSNI Before Tyrone Face ‘Sleeping Giants Of Ulster Football’
By Aughohilly Schniffles
As Tyrone prepare to take on Co Down in defending their Ulster title this Sunday, it has emerged that £40,000 worth of sleeping pills has been found in Edendork.
A PSNI spokesman said the intention by certain Tyrone supporters and perhaps backroom staff was to “keep them sleeping” coming up to the weekend.
Down – commonly known as “The Sleeping Giants of Ulster football” – surprised many with their demolition of Monaghan in this year’s provincial semi-final. Fears are rife in Tyrone that the Mourne men may be awaking from their slumber and that slipping sleeping tablets into the Down training camp over the week was a viable option. Horse Devlin was spotted in Newcastle suspiciously eating an ice-cream on the 12th.
It is believed that the ‘sleeping giants’ tag dates back to the Fionn MacCumhaill days, around the time of that mental story about the Red Hand of Ulster, where the best people in the land lived in the highest of the high, Slieve Donard, whilst their polar opposites lived in Ardboe. PSNI have also been out to Brian McGuigan’s house and forced him to dismantle a giant catapult he had constructed to fling shite all over Newry.
When asked about Down’s ambush on Monaghan the last day out, one Down fan we interviewed said
“Well, you can thank that Matty Donnelly bollocks for saying Tyrone would have a tough game against Monaghan in his post-match BBC interview…”
When we pressed said fan about Down’s chances this Sunday he snorted
“…let’s just say Mickey Harte, who has now been serving his county longer than the fella who did Kermit the Frog, is in for a rude awakening this Sunday.”
There are unconfirmed rumours around Garvaghey that former County star Paul Donnelly has been taking training sessions, teaching the team how to throw opposition players’ boots into the Gerry Arthurs Stand.
Following allegations of shenanigans from the Red Hand County, it has been alleged that Kevin McKernan, the Down midfielder, was responsible for the theft of Colm Cavanagh’s dog Marley last week, who thankfully turned up alive and barking in Stewartstown. Our best wishes go out to Marley, in his recovery of what must have been a very stressful thirty minutes spent in Stewartstown. All the best Marley.
Aghaloo native Enda “Micko” MacNish was admitted into an as yet unnamed Sixmilecross Mental rehabilitation and Reprogramming Centre (138 Main Street, Sixmilecross) to treat a newly diagnosed condition that threatens to decimate Tyrone’s travelling support for centuries to come.
According to eyewitnesses, Enda has taken to drinking tea and eating piles of sandwiches, and the driest buns ever consumed, up to 39 times daily from the boot of his car.
Enda’s condition, named ‘taeinbooticitis’ by Queen’s University boffins, appears to have rapidly worsened during the last three Championships as he avidly followed Tyrone at all levels. His distraught wife, Edna, revealed how Enda went from
“…..doing what we all do – eating 16 or 17 rounds of egg and onion sandwiches and drinking 13 or 14 cups of tea during the course of a normal 17 hour round trip from Aghaloo to Clones to stealing up to 1000 eggs at a time in the days leading up to Tyrone games from his Uncle’s egg farm to fill around 35 loaves worth of sandwiches and installing a 90 litre tea boiler into the back of his family’s Citroen Picasso”.
The condition appears to have taken over Enda’s life to the point where last sunday he couldn’t even sit through his family’s annual trip to Mahon’s Hotel “for that there carvery” (previously the unmatched highlight of Enda and family’s entire year) without sneaking out to the car to swill back pints of black tae and devouring sandwiches and Paris Buns that would shatter a normal man’s molars.
Enda’s wife hopes that in highlighting this condition, other families won’t be torn apart as hers has. Edna made this passionate statement last night on Q 101:
“I know there are plenty of other men and even some weeman and young’uns out there suffering from this same illness. Don’t suffer in silence. If we’d acted sooner we might have been able to save Enda. If you start noticing eggs going missing or if someone in your family starts planting onions all over your land and stock piling white bread in the days before a game or is spending hours on the internet searching for industrial sized tea boilers, don’t hesitate. Do something…look for help and most of all NEVER lend a hand and start buttering bread of shelling eggs…the only solution is to face the hard, cold truth and get that person the treatment they need.”
Enda is currently unavailable for comment.
Mahon’s Hotel is currently offering an egg and onion free ‘Carvery-Cure’ lunchtime-deal to those families who can prove they are affected by this disorder.
With the news that more CCTV cameras are to be installed in Coalisland, we got out and about the famous town to find out what the locals make of it::
“It’s the Chinese. I heard that they’re recording it all and then presenting it as the Chinese Big Brother show but it has to be heavily edited because of the debauchery.”
“Mechanical traffic wardens. The human ones don’t last a craic so now the DoE have installed robot wardens disguised as camera. We’ll see how long they last.”
“It’s the Rahillys. We’ve been beating them the guts of 10 years now so now they’re spying on our ways and habits. I urge all Fianna ones to do the opposite of what they normally do. Go to work etc and boycott the pubs.”
“The Brits. First it was roundabouts, then traffic lights and now this. They’re trying to normalise us. Hopefully us Islanders will continue to do what we do with the lights and roundabouts – completely ignore them.”
“I think it’s the Jobseeker’s Allowance ones. I’ve already warned the family not to be seen in work clothes or to leave the back doors of vans open. And don’t be walking about with Family Circle tins under your arm. Just look sad and beg for money when near the cameras.”
We at Tyrone Tribulations will monitor the situation and will report immediately any findings. Theresa May was unavailable for comment.
Four local politicians were said to be ‘slapping the heads off each other’ on Portstewart Strand after DUP member Myles Forsyth claimed there were more green flags than orange at the holes during the second round of the Irish Open.
Golfing officials moved quickly to deny the allegation, stating that they don’t often get the chance to use green flags as it normally blended in with the colour of the grass but, due to the high volume of yellowy sand dunes, they decided to roll with it.
Forsyth remained unconvinced:
“I’m not buying it. They’re trying to eat into east of the Bann with this stunt. It’s no coincidence that holes 1, 9 and 16 had green flags. 1916. The golfing fraternity appears to be riddled with republicans and, even worse, catholics.”
Officers had to be called to the Portstewart Strand beach after a scuffle between minor DUP and SF members resulted in bare knuckle boxing between four politicians over the flag colour affair. The fight reportedly began when a Sinn Fein member shouted ‘I’ll chucky this sand into yer face’.
Meanwhile, a rumour that all NI golfers who failed to make the cut did so in order to get drinks in before the 12th has been ridiculed by Rory McIlroy’s PA James Nesbitt.
A Brackaville man has caused outrage and suspicion after he cycled 50 miles today without taking photos of himself, asking for donations or putting his route on social media.
Paddy Gillis, whose father and grandfather used to cycle more than 100 miles a day doing errands and leisure activities, has come under fire from locals who maintain he must be up to no good and possibly indulging in some form of terrorism.
John Campbell (33) explained:
“Who in their right mind gets on a bicycle without a motive, whether it’s looking for adoration from social media friends or a few pounds for the local club? Like, sure, you could take the car. Gillis is up to something suspicious. He didn’t tell anyone nor take any photos. Who does that, like?”
Gillis, who rode the bike today in a pair of track suit bottoms and an Slane ACDC t-shirt, has also come under fire from leisure outlets who claim he’s probably breaking the law by not wearing tight riding gear, a helmet and goggles.
Gillis is expected to ride to Dungannon tomorrow to get the Irish News, some ham and a tube of Deep Heat for his ma without acknowledging the journey on any platform.
Niall McGinn, who became the first Dungannon Swifts player to move to South Korea for footballing reasons, finally clinched his transfer despite a throw-away comment which was lost in translation, almost scuppering the lucrative move.
McGinn, who once scored 0-7 against Derrylaughan during a midge storm, asked the club chairman, who also acts as Lord Mayor of the city of Gwangju, if he was for Clones on the 16th in a thick Tyrone accent.
Thinking McGinn had attempted to speak a bit of Korean, Chairman Gung-Ho had to be restrained as interpreters attempted to explain to him that McGinn had, actually, spoken in English.
Language expert Martin Kelly explained:
“It’s normal for new signings to attempt some of the local language. However, when Niall asked ‘are ye for Clones’ it sounded like ‘aya fa konas’ which means ‘get the f**k out of my sight’. It took a while for Lord Mayor Hung-Ho to accept the reality of what happened.”
McGinn, who is expected to fly out to his new club in the near future, has also pledged not to make the same mistake as one of his advisors who travelled out to Gwangju to look at houses.
Carl Carabine from Aberdeen unfortunately took a wrong decision at a fork in the road and travelled deep into North Korean territory before being picked up by their officials and enrolled in the army. He was last seen parading at Kim Jong-un’s 33rd birthday celebrations.
Supermarkets and off-licenses across the county have confirmed a sharp spike in wine purchased by parents between the ages of 25 and 50 over the weekend.
Consumer experts immediately explained the phenomenon as nothing unusual, linking the annual trend at this time of the year to the start of school holidays, adding that vineyards in France and Chile intentionally increase their production rate for women at this time of the year from Tyrone, as well as in Derry, Fermanagh and Armagh. Additionally, a group of stay-at-home-fathers have formed a counselling group in Cookstown to counter the summer trauma.
One woman, who wished to remain anonymous, told us as she exited Tesco in Dungannon with over 30 bottles of savignon blanc:
“It’s completely medicinal. There’s only so many times you can tell them to stick on Frozen before you go a bit mad, like. A glass at 12pm eases the strain somewhat. By 4pm they can draw all over the walls for all I care or even notice.”
Businesses have also started to notice a rise in productivity as parents appear to be prepared to do any amount of over time, even free of charge. Many workers have also decided to forego their own transport and have taken to walking home from work, sometimes not returning until late evening after walking up to 15 miles.
Coalisland businessman Leo Keown added:
“It’s a pure lethal time of the year. Parents of young children are mad for the overtime and I’m paying them buck all. And they’re at the gates at 6am too. Long live the summer holidays.”
Meanwhile, a group of men in Brocagh have been arrested after trying to hack into the local primary school’s website and changing the calendar dates, creating a 31st July ‘Back to School’ deadline. One of the arrested claimed he was delighted to be caught and ‘hopefully jailed for a few weeks’.