A Brackaville man has caused outrage and suspicion after he cycled 50 miles today without taking photos of himself, asking for donations or putting his route on social media.
Paddy Gillis, whose father and grandfather used to cycle more than 100 miles a day doing errands and leisure activities, has come under fire from locals who maintain he must be up to no good and possibly indulging in some form of terrorism.
John Campbell (33) explained:
“Who in their right mind gets on a bicycle without a motive, whether it’s looking for adoration from social media friends or a few pounds for the local club? Like, sure, you could take the car. Gillis is up to something suspicious. He didn’t tell anyone nor take any photos. Who does that, like?”
Gillis, who rode the bike today in a pair of track suit bottoms and an Slane ACDC t-shirt, has also come under fire from leisure outlets who claim he’s probably breaking the law by not wearing tight riding gear, a helmet and goggles.
Gillis is expected to ride to Dungannon tomorrow to get the Irish News, some ham and a tube of Deep Heat for his ma without acknowledging the journey on any platform.
A 17-year old A Level student, who has been described as ‘fairly normal enough up until now‘ by close friends and family, has worried his local community after he admitted in the Spar this morning that he has no intention of growing a beard. To confound matters further, Patrick McCullagh also revealed he has no interest in cycling.
Close friend, and owner of an 8-month old beard, Dessie Dorman (18) agreed he was concerned about Patrick’s state of mind and has asked family members to keep an eye on him over the next few days:
“There was nothing wrong with Patrick until today. We just thought he was one of those lads who took ages to grow facial hair like wee Collie McCullagh up the road. But to say he has no interest in growing a beard is just mad stuff altogether. And then to top it off by saying he’s not into the cycling is baffling. To dislike both of those things is weird but I don’t think I want to associate with someone who doesn’t have an interest in at least one. I don’t know Patrick McCullagh from today.”
he added before cycling off in a new Carrera Virtuoso Road Bike to compete in a 60k charity race in Gweedore.
McCullagh’s father, ex champion pipe-smoker and backing singer in 1960s local band The Turfclodders, admitted he felt shame at his son’s recent revelations:
“There’s nothing wrong with our breed. In the 70s I’d the long hair and flared jeans like everyone else. Our Patrick maybe needs to be sent away somewhere like Jamaica or Russia where they accept all kinds. Dromore is not the place for off-radar lads like him.”
Meanwhile local PP Fr Turnett has warned women in the parish not to go down the beard route yet and to not be wearing short skirts when cycling to Mass.
Pomeroy, and its famed mountains, was said tonight to be ‘livid’ as news of the route for the Giro d’Italia was released today with Belfast, the Glens of Antrim and Armagh the designated stages. The Italian Quarter in Cappagh are also said to be a bit ‘miffed’, having bought in a lorryload of ice cream for the occasion.
There will be three stages to the race – a 22 km time trial around Belfast, a loop around the north coast and a cross border final stage, with Drumquin also sensationally snubbed despite them even having a song about their hills too.
Patsy Devlin, a cycling enthusiast from Pomeroy, summed up the feelings of his disappointed home-place:
“Some shower. Are they afeard to tackle our mountains? They think they’re deadly climbing the Alps and all but that’s a doddle compared to Grimes’ Hillock or Kavanagh’s Mound. I’d like to see Bradley Wiggles attempt Sigerson’s Hump with buck goats darting at you from both sides or trying to negotiate a spontaneous Philomena Begley concert half way up Cavanakeeran. Wimps. Buckin wimps.”
Drumquin’s Tessie Hurson also couldn’t contain her anger:
“We’re furious. When we heard the Giro was coming here we were sure Drumquin would be first on the list. We even painted the roads with motivational slogans like ‘Keep er lit’, ‘Shoe to the burd’ and ‘Suckin Diesel’. I’ve no doubt the words of The Hills Above Drumquin have put these pansies off: “This life is sad and dreary, and the task of it is sore, My feet are growing weary, I may never wander more;”
Meanwhile, Slieve Gallion locals have welcomed news of the route with Johnny Irwin claiming they never wanted a pile of nosey-parkers sniffing around their braes as “there’s things going on in them there mountains that no one needs to know about” before winking and walking off, smelling of potatoes, malted barley and diesel.