The existence of mountains in Pomeroy has been declared as thee classic example of fake news according to sources close to the American President, Donald Trump.
Trump, who compiled a list of traditional fake news stories that particularly annoy him, placed the mystical geographical features of Pomeroy at the top of his list and has threatened anyone singing the song in the USA with an indefinite stay at Guantanamo Bay detention camp.
Felicity Begley, whose ancestors left Ireland for America in the 1930s, explained how she was lifted and sternly warned in a bar in New York three lines into the traditional song.
“I’d only made it as far as ‘when the maid she bound her golden hair‘ before men in sunglasses started talking into their sleeves in corners of the bar and I was pounced on my these big men in black. I was bundled into a tank and driven to some water-boarding centre and threatened with their torture devices if I didn’t remounce Renardine and those mountains. The thing is, I agree with them….there are no buckin mountains in Pomeroy.”
Trump reportedly deliberated long and hard over the Hills Above Drumquin but relented when a Google Maps image showed some semblance of hills in the background.
The American Government are currently looking into why George Sigerson wrote about mountains in Pomeroy in the first place and are considering the theory he was on the books of Bill Clinton’s grandfather who holidayed in Strabane in 1901.
Pomeroy, and its famed mountains, was said tonight to be ‘livid’ as news of the route for the Giro d’Italia was released today with Belfast, the Glens of Antrim and Armagh the designated stages. The Italian Quarter in Cappagh are also said to be a bit ‘miffed’, having bought in a lorryload of ice cream for the occasion.
There will be three stages to the race – a 22 km time trial around Belfast, a loop around the north coast and a cross border final stage, with Drumquin also sensationally snubbed despite them even having a song about their hills too.
Patsy Devlin, a cycling enthusiast from Pomeroy, summed up the feelings of his disappointed home-place:
“Some shower. Are they afeard to tackle our mountains? They think they’re deadly climbing the Alps and all but that’s a doddle compared to Grimes’ Hillock or Kavanagh’s Mound. I’d like to see Bradley Wiggles attempt Sigerson’s Hump with buck goats darting at you from both sides or trying to negotiate a spontaneous Philomena Begley concert half way up Cavanakeeran. Wimps. Buckin wimps.”
Drumquin’s Tessie Hurson also couldn’t contain her anger:
“We’re furious. When we heard the Giro was coming here we were sure Drumquin would be first on the list. We even painted the roads with motivational slogans like ‘Keep er lit’, ‘Shoe to the burd’ and ‘Suckin Diesel’. I’ve no doubt the words of The Hills Above Drumquin have put these pansies off: “This life is sad and dreary, and the task of it is sore, My feet are growing weary, I may never wander more;”
Meanwhile, Slieve Gallion locals have welcomed news of the route with Johnny Irwin claiming they never wanted a pile of nosey-parkers sniffing around their braes as “there’s things going on in them there mountains that no one needs to know about” before winking and walking off, smelling of potatoes, malted barley and diesel.