Monthly Archives: December 2020
By Clamped Candy.
Top GAA experts are working on a vaccine to stop a worrying new strain of the Dublin virus. This seasonal plague, which takes many victims every year, has arrived later than normal with some notable new mutations, making it stronger and more adaptable.
It was hoped that contact with earlier forms of the phenomenon might provide some natural defence. But antibodies detected in Kerry and Donegal some years ago have long since dissipated. Symptoms of the new strain vary but often begin with a sudden shock to the system, followed by an apparent slow recovery, only to go down hill again as the remorseless nature of the variant sets in.
Social distancing does not appear to work. In fact it only seems to make its effects worse. Testing is in the early stages but initial reports suggest vaccine will not provide immunity though it may mitigate the results. The process apparently involves splitting the virus into several constituent parts.
If approved, the vaccine will be rolled out to the most vulnerable first which means all of Leinster will be the first to receive it. But some people believe the virus’s strength is being exaggerated, recalling an equally virulent version in the late ’70s and early ’80s which arrived from Kerry and disappeared of its own accord around 1987.
They claim that the panic is worse than the disease. And that it’s being spread by anti ‘Jacksers’. Pundits will also receive inoculation, with Colm O’Rourke and Pat Spillane on the list, dependent on who is the biggest dose. Sorry, dependent on who needs the biggest dose.
Visiting the bottle bank has been identified as an even bigger walk of shame than coming in at 7am after a drunken dalliance with the second cousin, claims a new study published today.
The paper showed that thousands of people detest having to make the visit, even moreso than going to the dentist, with some people having to endure over 10 minutes shoving bottle after bottle of wine or beer into the recycling bank, with every crash of a bottle bringing even more attention to the deed.
Patsy McGarrell of Strabane explained his dilemma:
“Sometimes I haven’t been to the bottle bank in about three weeks. The shame is tarra. I often take time with any Shloer bottles, holding it up and all, just to make people aware that it’s not all alcohol. But five minutes into the crashing noises and I’m dying inside. I can feel 50 sets on eyes on me. I mostly wear a hood now and go when it’s lashing down.”
On average, a bottle banker will deposit 45 bottles. Many claimed to have even more in the boot but couldn’t stick the crashing sound after approximately eight minutes so headed on.
The study also showed that shop staff shaking their heads and smirking didn’t help matters.
Police have warned priests and mass-goers not to sell midnight mass tickets on the black market in the run up to Christmas, as worried worshipers will part with up to £1000 according to a survey today.
Yesterday, three priests were arrested in the county for selling tickets for midnight mass at extortionate prices with one priest from Gortin throwing in a confession free of charge on the spot.
A spate of burglaries in Augher have been put down to desperate Catholics raiding houses rumoured to have tickets stashed away for the festive period.
A Vatican official issued a statement earlier, condemning the priests caught selling tickets after funerals and other services. Cardinal Schillaci added:
“This must stop. You should not be getting caught selling tickets for midnight mass, especially to the elderly. There are other ways to go about it. Selling tickets at funerals is despicable. Raffle them at an online bazaar or something.”
Meanwhile, the Vatican are considering a Pay Per View service for midnight mass for those without a ticket.
A vaccine developed by Ardboe GAA club and the Battery Bar has proven to be more than 20% effective in people of all ages, sparking immediate requests for funding and mass production.
A paper, published in The Lancet this evening, shows that the vaccine uses RNA technology which was brazenly stolen by a Moortown janitor from a lab in Oxford. It will, if applied at a temperature of -100 degrees celsius, prevent one in five adult homo sapiens from getting midge bites.
The peer reviewed paper has rated the vaccine 20.65% effective due to the fact that it’s December and that there are ‘fcuk all midges about’.
Unperturbed, Ardboe GAA officials and Battery Bar owner Mr O Mulligan, stormed Stormont today for any money they can get their hands on.
In other news, a Coalisland man has become the first person to have emerged from a self-imposed isolation period of 35 years. Johnny Fee emerged from a manhole in the town, asking people if Dennis Taylor was still doing autographs.
Training for the 2024 Olympics began in earnest across the county today after it emerged that break-dancing, wife-carrying and more importantly line-dancing were added to the official schedule for the Paris Games.
Tammy Kilpatrick (40) from Annaghnaboe, the East Tyrone Line-Dancing champion from 1998-2017, has come out of retirement in a bid to become Tyrone’s first gold medalist at the Olympics and has already downloaded Achy Breaky Heart, Boot Scootin’ Boogie and Chattahoochee in order to brush off the cobwebs:
“I can’t believe it. I’d be very confident. Once you win in Ardboe Hall, you can win anywhere including the big arenas in Paris. Let’s be honest, it’s going to be between us and the Yanks and I’m not sure if they have the hunger we have here. I’m starting to think Brooks was bribed not to come to Croke Park all those years ago to keep us on the back foot.”
Early rules have already stated that all men must wear a checked shirt tucked into their jeans which may need practising as many locals had begun practising the more European shirt outside jeans look in recent years.
Schools will receive grants for after-schools line-dancing classes in preparation for the Los Angeles 2028 Olympics which will hope to garner 12 gold medals for the Emerald Isle.
Most Coalisland residents have breathed a sigh of relief after a giant steel device which appeared in the town three nights ago has been revealed as a car parking ticket machine and not an object dropped by aliens.
Over 400 residents had already packed up and were preparing to leave the town to go to Brackaville or Newmills for fear of being abducted and probed by aliens after the mysterious monolith puzzled local experts since Sunday night.
A candlelit vigil in honour of possible aliens was held last night outside the egg factory but was interrupted during the third decade of the rosary after someone stuck a pound in the machine and got a three-hour ticket pass.
Local sky expert Terry McNeill from Drummurrer, who owns three pairs of binoculars and visited Houston in 1988, added:
“Some are relieved but I can’t deny that I’m disappointed. I really did think this was it and was totally prepared for a probing session. I’d already told the wife that it’s likely they’ll need a boiler fitted and probably would be three light years away before she’d know I was gone.”
Since the truth was uncovered, the ticketing machine was hatcheted for three hours before being set alight.