Most Coalisland residents have breathed a sigh of relief after a giant steel device which appeared in the town three nights ago has been revealed as a car parking ticket machine and not an object dropped by aliens.
Over 400 residents had already packed up and were preparing to leave the town to go to Brackaville or Newmills for fear of being abducted and probed by aliens after the mysterious monolith puzzled local experts since Sunday night.
A candlelit vigil in honour of possible aliens was held last night outside the egg factory but was interrupted during the third decade of the rosary after someone stuck a pound in the machine and got a three-hour ticket pass.
Local sky expert Terry McNeill from Drummurrer, who owns three pairs of binoculars and visited Houston in 1988, added:
“Some are relieved but I can’t deny that I’m disappointed. I really did think this was it and was totally prepared for a probing session. I’d already told the wife that it’s likely they’ll need a boiler fitted and probably would be three light years away before she’d know I was gone.”
Since the truth was uncovered, the ticketing machine was hatcheted for three hours before being set alight.
The Ardboe Toursim Board have denied they strategically placed Ardboe’s first lamp post outside a pub to heighten suspicions of a UFO hovering over the area hence boosting much needed tourist numbers. The UFO, Alien and Paranormal Research of Strange Things Ireland (UFOAPRSTI) revealed they received 980 unique phonecalls from concerned and often inebriated Ardboe residents about a strange light hovering near the Lough within the last week. With a population of 986, concerns were also raised that all but 6 people in Ardboe spend a portion of their day in the bar.
Gusty Forbes (71) still believes there’s something up there:
“They’re now saying it’s a lamp post. I don’t buy it. The Ministry of Defence are hiding something. Answer me this – how come it arrived at 9pm every night bang on time and then leave at 6am exactly? Sure if this was one of them lamp posts would it not be there all the time? Ghost-oh, it has been exciting times for the area. Exiles from Amerikay and Australia have been coming home in droves to see it.”
Sally McGuigan, a local hypnotist, also believes there’s more to this than meets the eye:
“Lamp post my arse. How come it flickers for 2-3 minutes at 8:59pm? It’s trying to make contact. We sang The Fisherman’s Lament back to it and I swear I heard it buzzing a bit. All we’re asking is why – why Ardboe? Is it the centre of the universe?”
The Ardboe Tourism Board have reiterated the fact that it’s a lamp post and have pleaded for people to go back to work:
“Holy Smokes – we erected it to stop people from stumbling over a loose slab outside the Battery. The compo was killing us. Fair enough, 46’000 believers have descended on Ardboe to see the static “UFO” this week and maybe we were a bit slow to confirm it was a lamp post but enough’s enough. 12’000 people have fallen over that slab this week.”
One local farmer has sued NASA for the mysterious disappearance of one cow. NASA say this has nothing to do with them.