Monthly Archives: October 2020

Anger In Augher As Man Fixes Hair In Car At Petrol Pump After Paying

There was an acute sense of anger in Augher last night after a customer spend nearly two minutes fixing his hair at a petrol pump after paying despite two cars waiting for a free pump.

The man, who was described as ‘local’, even hoked about under his seat for probably a 50p or even less before slowly pulling out after he carefully put his seat belt on and messed around with the windscreen wipers.

Collie McKenna, who waited for nearly SIX minutes watching the customer fill his tank, go in to pay and then groom himself, fumed:

“I totally lost it and started banging my steering well. He was ruffling away at his hair in the driver’s vanity mirror before he even turned the ignition and I’m sure he could see me flashing my lights and giving him the middle finger. This is what society has come to. “

Garage owner Danny Hillock has vowed to look into the matter but warned McKenna that his subsequent behaviour in the garage was unacceptable, wrecking the wheaten bread section as he walked in, in bad temper.

Historian Claims Poots Clan Were Mad Rebels, Fenians and Gaels

A pile of Poots in 1798

An Irish family history expert has revealed that some of the craziest and bravest rebels in Tyrone were all descendants of the current-day Poots family name, going back to the start of mankind 4000 years ago.

Jackie McCafferty (77), who was able to trace the Poots roots back to the last batch of dinosaurs in Ireland which probably died when Lough Neagh flooded, maintains that current-day Poots are probably brilliant at Gaelic football and has urged Mickey Harte to look into it if he wants to win anything.

“Yes, Phelimi Mad Red Dog O’Poots was a thorn in the side of the British in the 1300s and even massacred a whole party of visiting tourists from Essex in a field in Carrickmore by himself. But he wasn’t a patch on Mrs Saoirse McPoots from Cappagh who was apparently the best sniper in Ireland in 1955. Fr Poots said a good long Mass too. “

McCafferty claims that several of the current Tyrone panel have some Poots DNA but that a pure-bred Poots would be like the Messi or Ronaldo of the GAA world if introduced to the squad.

The Omagh historian has asked for any Poots to come forward for DNA testing as the Gaelic Lord of Tyrone title is still vacant.

Assembly Debated Locking Down Catholics or Protestants or Atheists

Swann, keeping an eye on the taigs

The details of Tuesday night’s midnight Assembly debate between parties at Stormont indicated that locking down Catholics was almost passed as official legislation until Sammy Wilson sneezed during a water cooler break.

The guttural nature of the Irish language coupled with jumping about doing Irish dancing and tin whistle playing provided strong arguments that Catholics were potential super-spreaders of the virus up until the moment Wilson sneezed whilst eating a Wispa washed down with a tin of Lilt.

Protestants were ruled out early on in the debate as the majority of lambeg drummers kept their mouths shut due to the strain of the drum and the Ulster Scots dialect lent itself to a narrower mouth movement.

Atheists were, at the 11th hour, about to take the hit as lockdowners only for a late phonecall from an anonymous loyalist paramilitary group who claimed they’d be obliterated for four weeks if this went ahead.

Sammy’s sneeze threw everything back into the melting pot again but, with Foster faced with the daunting trip back to Fermanagh at that time of the night, they decided to lockdown the whole lot but will be keeping a close eye on the Catholics.

Outrage As Castlecaulfield Shop Puts Red Sauce On Breakfast Bap Without Asking

Shoppers in the greater Dungannon area were scratching their heads in disbelief after a small garage in Castlecaulfield started selling their renowned breakfast baps with red sauce already on it and no sign of brown sauce anywhere.

The famous Beattie Breakfast Bap, which has been sold in the shop by four generations of the local Beattie family, has delighted Castlecaulfield punters for 120 years until last week when the latest owner, Kevin Beattie, changed the bap by adding shredded veggie roll and, controversially, red sauce.

Breakfast bap fanatic Mary McGuinness fumed:

“This lad has arrived over from London with these fancy ideas and has ruined life for us. He even sneakily puts the red sauce under the egg which is under the sausage so you can’t see it until you take a bite. I spat mine all over the milk section which was another handlin in itself. The shredded veggie bit was palatable.”

Kevin Beattie defended his actions by claiming that it’s all the rage in England and America and that brown sauce was for ‘backward folk’ although he didn’t say that bit out loud.

Fintona Man Wrecks Paint Section In Homebase In Case Of Lockdown

A Fintona man has admitted to sabotaging the paint section in Homebase in Cookstown in case he’s asked to paint more things by his wife if there was another lockdown.

Henry McCague (49) confirmed he destroyed three aisles of paint and painting accessories in the store when no one was looking on Sunday morning after his wife suggested the previous day that another lockdown cannot be ruled out whilst eyeing up another fence.

“Think I’m going to paint another thing this year? Like fcuk I will. I apologise to Homebase for the £45’000 of damage but I’d do it again. Though I do regret threatening to shove a Ronseal Fence Life Brush up that young worker’s posterior. There was no need for that.”

McCague was arrested but released after his wife admitted to winding him up by criticising his previous painting efforts that morning.

Meanwhile, toilet roll firm Andrex have conveyed disappointment that panic buying is not at the same level as earlier in the year and hopes people develop explosive diarrhea as a result.

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