Derrytesk man makes break for pub

After weeks of living off the fat of the land, Derrytresk residents breathed a sigh of relief after the Torrent Bridge finally reopened enabling cars to access the M1 and Spar on the Ballynakilly Road without negotiating the treacherous drive through Clonoe or Coalisland for provisions.

Home-owners on the Annaghbeg side of the bridge also celebrated its completion with many men and women having to go without a slap of drink in the Derrytresk club for up to three weeks.

Annaghbeg Road housewife Mary McCann admitted another weekend without access to Falls’ pub or the Hill clubrooms would have left their marriage on the rocks:

“Another sober weekend looking at each other and there’d have been blood. The priest said many years ago ‘for better and for worse’ but he never mentioned anything about the Tarn Bridge closing down.”

UN leaders have called back 33 ships carrying necessary provisions such as corned beef, brown mineral and black pudding after pictures emerged on social media of Derrytresk families roaming ramparts eating brackens and drinking bog water in order to avoid heading into Coalisland for goods. Reenaderry Road plasterer Sally Hanna admitted she almost jumped in her motor and drive to Spring Island supermarket in Coalisland such was the desperation in the area:

“People were saying I was some sort of kamikaze woman to be thinking of driving to Coalisland. But I could see my children eyeing me up like as if they were going to ate me. Thank the Lord that bridge opened.”

Meanwhile plans to rename the bridge are to get underway next week with many locals favouring ‘The Road’s In Shite Again Bridge’.