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UN Relief Ships Turn Back As Annaghbeg-Derrytresk Bridge Re-Opens

Derrytesk man makes break for pub

Derrytesk man makes break for pub

After weeks of living off the fat of the land, Derrytresk residents breathed a sigh of relief after the Torrent Bridge finally reopened enabling cars to access the M1 and Spar on the Ballynakilly Road without negotiating the treacherous drive through Clonoe or Coalisland for provisions.

Home-owners on the Annaghbeg side of the bridge also celebrated its completion with many men and women having to go without a slap of drink in the Derrytresk club for up to three weeks.

Annaghbeg Road housewife Mary McCann admitted another weekend without access to Falls’ pub or the Hill clubrooms would have left their marriage on the rocks:

“Another sober weekend looking at each other and there’d have been blood. The priest said many years ago ‘for better and for worse’ but he never mentioned anything about the Tarn Bridge closing down.”

UN leaders have called back 33 ships carrying necessary provisions such as corned beef, brown mineral and black pudding after pictures emerged on social media of Derrytresk families roaming ramparts eating brackens and drinking bog water in order to avoid heading into Coalisland for goods. Reenaderry Road plasterer Sally Hanna admitted she almost jumped in her motor and drive to Spring Island supermarket in Coalisland such was the desperation in the area:

“People were saying I was some sort of kamikaze woman to be thinking of driving to Coalisland. But I could see my children eyeing me up like as if they were going to ate me. Thank the Lord that bridge opened.”

Meanwhile plans to rename the bridge are to get underway next week with many locals favouring ‘The Road’s In Shite Again Bridge’.

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Strabane Ice Cream Man Rips Off Terrorised Customers

Mr Frosty

Mr Frosty

Strabane District Council have warned locals not to buy off an ice cream man circling the town and country areas after it was revealed how extortionate the vendor was, exploiting the unbearably good weather and thirsty customers.

Mr Frosty arrived on the Strabane scene two weeks ago after recognising a gap in the ice cream market in the surrounding area. To the tune of ‘My Boy Lollipop’, the ice cream man has been terrorising a sun-baked community by charging £6.99 for a 99 or £5.99 without the flake.

Local hairdresser Johnny McElhinnion explained:

“We need the UN to intervene or Points of View or something. We’re frying up here in this heat and that man is driving us mad with his music and lovely white van. It’s an oasis in the desert but he’s ripping us off. I bought my daughter and her friends a round of 99s last week and it cost me £69. When you see their wee faces you cannot go back on the transaction. But see if I meet Mr Frosty in a dark alleyway he’ll want to top himself and not the ice cream, which also costs an extra £5 by the way.”

Mr Frosty, who normally goes by the name of Mr Frost, is adamant that he’s simply an honest man making a living in a tough climate:

“Listen, I’m sitting all day in this van listening to My Boy Lollipop and people screaming at me from the fields and sides of the road. I feel like Elvis Presley. Everyone wants a piece of me. £6.99 for an ice cream with flake is nothing to these people with their iPads and loom bands. What price a child’s happiness? It’ll be £7.99 next week.”

Investigations reveal Mr Frosty was chased out of Clady last year after it was revealed he sloppingly licked the 99s of the children who didn’t have enough money on them before handing the 99 over over.

 

Ballinderry On High Alert After Derry Championship Exit

This bridge will be blown up, says UN officials

This bridge will be blown up, says UN officials

UN peace-keeping troops are said to be gearing themselves for the worst after Derry prematurely exited the Championship after losing to Longford. Tensions in Ballinderry, which straddles Derry and Tyrone, were said to be simmering late last night with reports of smirking and winking from the Tyrone ones at a higher level than usual. UN officials have warned that they’ll blow up the bridge if it cuts up rough.

The parish, which survived a failed coup by Tyrone last year, has this morning been flooded with vans from news outlets across the globe incuding Sky, CNN and BBC. The Lord Mayor of Lough Neagh, Derryman Leo Salmon, has urged both sides to display a high level of maturity or at least wait until Louth play Tyrone next weekend:

“This time of the year is always tense, sometimes worse than the marching stuff. I witnessed myself the antagonistic activities of the Tyrone ones last night, pretending to be overly nice to the Derry ones in the bar and asking if they wanted a pint whilst smirking. They know what they’re at. If this continues into today it’s inevitable we’ll be dealing with a slapping session. It’s the first slap we need to prevent.”

Ballinderry man but Tyrone supporter Kevin McGurk is adamant there will be no trouble from his side:

“We feel their pain. We really do. I think we went out in June one time too. Back in 1955. “

he said walking off and laughing like a hyena.

Meanwhile, Louth GAA have revealed they sold 5000 jerseys online last night with the bulk of the sales coming from Dungiven, Loup, Swatragh and Bellaghy. This was very much in evidence this morning when reportedly 80% of the congregation at St Patrick’s Church in The Loup doned Louth jerseys during mass.

Brocagh Man Mistakenly On World’s Most Dangerous Criminals Top 5

mars_bar_bittenA Brocagh joiner was been taken off the World’s Most Dangerous Criminals top five list after an investigation into his reputation revealed only a minor offense in 1978.

Jack Davidson, who played full back in the Brocagh Primary School Cannon McNamee trophy winning side in 1975, reported to UN authorities a feeling that he was being spied upon for over 30 years by the American government ever since stealing a Mars Bar from Falls’ shop in the summer of 1978.

A relieved Davidson admitted:

“I’m just delighted this nightmare is over. People thought I was going mad when I told them men wearing dark shades and talking down their sleeves were following me wherever I went. Even at Brocagh Sports Day they’d be hiding in the lough, like scuba-spies or something. I don’t know how this happened. All I did was nick a Mars Bar to give to a blade I was going with from Derrylaughan. I was only 13 like.”

American officials admitted their error after an internal investigation revealed the words ‘stole a Mars Bar’ was mistakenly typed in as ‘international terrorist’. He has since left the company of Al Capone and Charles Manson in the all-time danger list.

“Yes, this is a cock-up. We’ve spent $1.3m following this man around Brocagh and the surrounding areas for 30 years now. All we ever got on him was the time in 1985 when he got tore into a bottle of Bushmills and ran naked through the fields of Ballybeg for a laugh. It was only him, a few cows and two of our men camouflaged in a tree. What a waste of money.”

Davidson took this opportunity to apologize again to Falls’ shop for the theft and offered to do odd jobs around the premises to make up for his indiscretion 36 years ago.

More Off-Licences Than People In Coalisland

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Coalisland – drinking capital of Europe

Coalisland has been described as being like ‘some mad village in Russia or somewhere’ by visiting South American politicians on a fact-finding mission funded by the UN.

The East Tyrone village has been the latest stop-off venue for Argentinian finance minister Sergio Maradona and his team who have almost completed their findings on how to squeeze as much money out of its citizens as possible.

The East Tyrone village has been the latest stop-off venue for Argentinian finance minister Sergio Maradona and his team who have almost completed their findings on how to squeeze as much money out of its citizens as possible.

Maradona, who claims to have roots in Galbally, told us:

“The system they have here in Coalisland is fantastic. Local business people know how much you’re mad for the drink here so they’ve put an off-licence at the back of every establishment. Genius stuff. You can go into the butchers for a ham shank and a bottle of champagne, into the barbers for a short back and sides and order a bottle of single malt on the way out. We can learn a lot from this town.”

The ultra-religious South Americans have no qualms about taking this initiative even further and exploiting the locals back home by putting off-licences in the back of churches:

“I’m surprised Coalisland hasn’t taken this step already. We’re going to make a little Coalisland in Buenos Aries and exploit everyone’s weaknesses, even the religious. You could have a full mass and then nip in behind the vestry for a six-pack or a bottle of Pinot Grigio.”

Meanwhile Coalisland PP Fr McCann has said he’s proud they’re the only establishment in Coalisland without an off-licence at the back but has not ruled out building one in 2014.

“We’re making enough money as it is. But we’re waiting for a nod from the Vatican to squeeze the last penny out of Coalisland.”

UN Peacekeeping Forces Rejoice At Derrytresk Relegation

UN forces 'on the tear'

UN forces ‘on the tear’

Hervé Ladsous, the United Nations Under-Secretary-General for Peacekeeping Operations, admitted today that his committee ‘went on the rip’ in Brussels after it emerged Derrytresk had fallen to the Junior division after a one-point defeat to Newtownstewart on Saturday in Greencastle. Fears that a derby match next year between The Hill and Derrylaughan would stretch their resources to the limit were so heightened that an International Committee secretly met in a mid-European location on Saturday and watched the events unfold live by Russian satellite.

Ladsous, the 63-year old French General, said:

“It was looking hairy at one stage. When the Hill went seven up in the second half, we were just about to press the button that would mobilise 100’000 troops immediately for a 6-month intensive training session.  We feared the worst. That German woman was calling Newtownstewart all the names of the day. The Japanese suggested nuking Greencastle before the final whistle but thankfully Mayse got his arse into gear, much to the delight of the Koreans who are big fans of St Eugene’s.”

Ladsous admitted it was a bitter-sweet result for him:

“To be fair, I’ve a soft spot for The Hill ever since they turned over Dromid Pearses in that infamous handbag game. The media attention that ensued took the spotlight off a major cock-up we made in the Middle-East. So I had a bit of a lump in my throat as the Chinese and Canadians danced the night away drinking Black Russians.”

Ladsous added that they’re still on amber-alert with the impending Derrytresk-Brocagh game but hoped they would sort themselves out with a traditional slappin session down at Castlebay the day after.

Stewartstown Issues Sort-Of Nuclear Threat To World

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Thousands of caps ready to be unleashed on Brackaville

The sprawling village of Stewartstown, where no one has emigrated from or immigrated to since 1979, has decided to flex its international muscle and issue a sort-of nuclear threat to the rest of the world that they’ll be ‘taking no more shit’ from today onwards. Unfortunately nicknamed ‘tintown’, after it was revealed in 1948 that labourers wrap everything in tinfoil from their lunch to their tools, residents have decided that now was the time to reveal the arsenal of weapons they have been stockpiling since 1969 when they struck up a deal with the Russians.

Lord Mayor Cal Coyle announced during a hastily-arranged press conference outside the Credit Union:

“Yes, that’s right lads and lassies. We’re the bucking big boys now. We have shedfuls of Spanish fireworks, caps for Chinese toy guns, French bangers and Brazilian sparklers. Buckets of the stuff. Underground bunkers, hideouts in rural areas – you name it. Let the message be loud and clear – one more online reference to tintown or any other derogatory reference to Stewartstown and this planet is going to experience the Armageddon. Starting with Portugal or New Zealand maybe. We might give Brackaville a rattle first, like as a test drive.”

Flanked by 7 men and 3 women all wearing welding masks as disguise, Coyle was asked what sparked the declaration of war on the world at this particular time:

“I was reading something on boards.ie yesterday regarding weeding lawns and someone said something about ‘Stewartstown a.k.a. Tintown’. That was the straw that broke the donkey’s back. Then there’s them North Koreans, the Pakistanis, the Yanks, the Russians, the Chinese and the Iranis all boasting away about their nuclear capabilities. Well, try counteracting 5000 loop-the-loop fireworks being dropped on you from about 1200 feet. One of our lads recently got a provisional pilot’s licence and we know we can hire a small 2-seater from Newtownards. Just push our buttons one more time. ONE MORE TIME.”

The UN have confirmed they are taking this threat seriously but will wait to see if it’s just a result of nerves before the Intermediate quarter final against Brackaville that has sparked today’s declaration.

Derrylaughan Apply To UN For Independent State Status

Derrylaughan last night

Derrylaughan last night

Following the successful and historic vote on Palestine during the week, Derrylaughan have forward a motion to follow in the Palestinian footsteps in the hope of becoming an independent state with its own currency and language. The small loughshore townland claim they have been misunderstood and discriminated against for over a century, citing the fact that even Mickey Harte doesn’t pick Derrylaughan men for the county team apart from the odd one. Other gripes include bad roads, flooding, midges, lack of investment from American fast food outlets and the absence of a red light district. Harry Corr, a long-time Derrylaughan Seperatist Movement (DSM) member, explains further:

“The Palestinian lads have shown us the path to independence. Derrylaughan has always been treated as the dregs of the county. I remember a Lord Mayor of Dungannon, when asked in the paper how he’d better the county, saying that he’d raise the levels of the Lough to wipe out Derrylaughan so he wouldn’t be ate by midges going to a game down there. Well, fcuk him I say. Them there midges are a part of us, a bit like the aborigines and their didgeridoos. Even the Brocagh ones talk with marbles in their gobs and look down on us as lowland munchies all because Tom McGurk is on the TV. Enough is enough. I wrote a letter to the UN and got a lock of lads in Falls’ pub to sign it. We’re going to call ourselves ‘The United Kingdom of The Lowlands Formerly Known As Derrylaughan (UKOTLFKAD)’. We’ll have our own money, passports and language an all. A brothel is only a matter of time.”

The UN refused to pass comment on the possibility of success but  the Under-Secretary-General for Peacekeeping Hervé Ladsous did add “them boys have tried this before. Pat Kennedy filed for independence in 1981 after the county title, citing civil unrest with Derrytresk. We sent a 200-strong delegation only to discover it was a simple 2-man dispute over access to a rampart up near Kingsisland Church. It was a long drive from Brussels to listen to that.”

Corr has already devised a flag for UKOTLFKAD and an anthem called ‘They May Put Me In Prison, But They Can’t Stop My Face From Breakin’ Out’.

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