Jack Davidson, who played full back in the Brocagh Primary School Cannon McNamee trophy winning side in 1975, reported to UN authorities a feeling that he was being spied upon for over 30 years by the American government ever since stealing a Mars Bar from Falls’ shop in the summer of 1978.
A relieved Davidson admitted:
“I’m just delighted this nightmare is over. People thought I was going mad when I told them men wearing dark shades and talking down their sleeves were following me wherever I went. Even at Brocagh Sports Day they’d be hiding in the lough, like scuba-spies or something. I don’t know how this happened. All I did was nick a Mars Bar to give to a blade I was going with from Derrylaughan. I was only 13 like.”
American officials admitted their error after an internal investigation revealed the words ‘stole a Mars Bar’ was mistakenly typed in as ‘international terrorist’. He has since left the company of Al Capone and Charles Manson in the all-time danger list.
“Yes, this is a cock-up. We’ve spent $1.3m following this man around Brocagh and the surrounding areas for 30 years now. All we ever got on him was the time in 1985 when he got tore into a bottle of Bushmills and ran naked through the fields of Ballybeg for a laugh. It was only him, a few cows and two of our men camouflaged in a tree. What a waste of money.”
Davidson took this opportunity to apologize again to Falls’ shop for the theft and offered to do odd jobs around the premises to make up for his indiscretion 36 years ago.
A visiting American has upset a number of people after allegedly making remarks about residents of the county.
Randy Beckerson from Wisconsin, America, was visiting Clogher to conduct some family research, and is believed to have made some passing comments about the favoured activities of residents in Tyrone.
“How dare he accuse us of being obsessed with cars, stealin’ fuel, and the weather”, said 38-year old Tommy Boyce from Trillick as he furtively siphoned 300 litres of fuel out of an oil tank on the Killyfuddy Road. “That’s a racial slur that is. And he never so much as mentioned bacon, diffin’, lickin’ plates, or the price of a bale of hay. Jaysus, there’s nothing like a nice piece of crispy bacon. Anyway, if he wants to come over here with his hamburgers and his loud clothes and his milkshakes and his, ‘Hey y’all’ and ‘Howdy pardner’, then that’s up to him. But we’d never stereotype Americans like he’s done with us. It’s a disgrace”.
Carla Gervin from near Garvahey agreed.
“He’s made us out to be a bunch of culchies from the hills, like the Flintstones or something”, she said, struggling to control two pigs that she had tucked under each arm. “And he was deadly rude as well. I asked him if he had any string I could use to tie up the pigs because I forgot to bring some, and he told me I should get a fanny pack. Jaysus, I was only askin’. There’s no need for that sort of language”.
Beckerson however appeared puzzled by the furore.
“Most of them Ty-rone folks are just peachy. I was in a lil’ diner in Clocker that had a speakeasy out back, and I was getting on just swell with the fellers. But then I ordered up a whiskey and the bartender dude told me that the Bushmills was ‘Deadly’. Well of course I reckoned if it was gonna be poisonous I’d take a raincheck, so I ordered Bell’s instead, and then he said ‘Grand’. A grand? I ain’t gonna pay no jackass a thousand bucks for no shot of whiskey. So he got all uppity and suddenly he shoved my ass onto the sidewalk. Enough already. And I ain’t been doing no stereotyping. These sorts of things don’t exist”,
he said, before spitting an enormous wad of tobacco into a spittoon.
Beckerson caused further consternation last night when he popped into Costcutters in Galbally to buy some gum, where he greeted the shop assistant with a cheerful, ‘Hey, I’m Randy’.
Brocagh residents last night were said to be frightened, confused and bewildered after new sightings of the mythological Beast of Brocagh were reported around fields off the Ballybeg Road. Fresh rumours of the unidentified ogre roaming the countryside began after Minnie Davidson spotted what she described as a ‘hairy-arsed monster buck-leaping about singing songs from the Wolfe Tones’ whilst she was out wasp-spotting.
“It’s hard to describe. It’s sorta half stooped over and always seems to be drinking from a bottle of Bushmills, completely bare to the world. It has been stalking these parts for 60 years now. I used to think it was oul Mick Quinn on the batter but I’ve seen his arse and it’s definitely not his. I’d be worried about the Brocagh Sports Day next week. It’s be a PR disaster if it won the wellie-throwing competition”.
Several sightings over the last half century has shed little light on what the beast actually his. Some claim it’s something from the Lough, like a man-eel. Others maintain it’s simply Tom McGurk escaping from the pressures of his RTE job once in a while.
“It could be Tom but then a girl in 1988 said she saw it up close and it didn’t have the McGurk head on him. She said it was more of a McGorey or Robinson. Whatever it is I’m locking the windows. The same girl says he had mesmerising eyes and that made him sorta good-looking despite the bloodied teeth, smell of drink and it covered in hair. I’ve had my fill of Brocagh men like that”.
BBC and UTV have sent their cameras down today to see if they can spot the Beast despite rumours that it’s sitting in Dorman’s (Tessies) at this very minute waiting for first orders.