Worrying Increase In Straight ‘A’ Students. County On Amber Alert
Following last Thursday’s news of a Loughmacrory A Level student being discovered with 3 A* grades, three more men across the county have been found with similar qualifications in their GCSEs. Police authorities have placed the county on alert level ‘Amber’, and have warned residents to brace themselves for the discovery of further smart arsed lads.
DI Sean Robertson of the PSNI said,
“We’re not sure if they’re all part of a cell, or a ‘brain cell’ as we’re calling it. At present the evidence points to this being true, as they all appear to have a fondness for Dickens and a common understanding of simultaneous equations. It’s a sad day for the county. Who’d have thought there might have been a brain cell around these parts? We’ve always had intelligent women but smart Tyrone boys were a thing for fantasy books”.
56 year old Deirdre McConnell, a part-time chapel-attender from Eskra, was a neighbour of one of the accused men, 16 year old Desmond Coyle.
“Sure, Dessie always kept himself to himself. Quiet wee lad growing up. I remember hearing talk that he was a prodigy, that he could use a knife and fork by the time he was twelve and put on his own socks at fifteen, but people say things in spite. I suppose looking back the writing was on the wall by that stage. There were rumours that he was once caught with a girlie magazine with ‘Wuthering Heights’ hidden inside. It makes me feel sick”.
Inspection of Coyle’s home last night discovered several incriminating documents under his bed, including the Ulster Herald, three copies of The Economist, and an old edition of ‘Juno and the Paycock’. A geometry set and a dictionary were found at the homes of one of the other men. It is alleged that Coyle fully intended to use the grades to attempt to better himself, either in Belfast or possibly England.
Authorities are also investigating the sale of a scientific calculator in Omagh to see whether there may be a connection to the four men.
Meanwhile, a girl in Derrytresk who achieved what has been described as a ‘rake of A* grades’ is to have a rampart named after her.