Category Archives: Roughan

87 Pupils Suspended After Primary School’s One-Word Arlene Foster Competition Turns Blue

berry_hannah_and_napoleon_at_paccombe_farm._photo_copyright_of_the_donkey_sanctuary copyIn a bid to raise money for the new donkey sanctuary in Newmills, a charity initiative by the St Mary’s Primary School in Roughan ended up with almost 90 pupil suspensions after a competition to describe Arlene Foster in just one word witnessed some dubious entries. 

Foster, who received criticism for her one-word association game with the Sunday Independent to describe a fellow Stormont politician, was going to be asked to present the winning entry with a cheque for £10 and a Wispa bar.

Roughan staff called a halt to the competition after reading just 100 entries, 87 of them too obscene to go to print. Headmaster John Adams admitted he didn’t foresee the dubious quality of  adjectives to describe the First Minister:

“It was rough. The first few were bad enough – ‘ballax’ etc – but then it started to get x-rated. I had no idea the P1s had such an extensive and colourful vocabulary. I’ve a fair idea some of the parents got involved in the process and maybe manipulated some of the entries. We had to suspend 87 pupils and just burned the remaining entries because Mrs Hilton kept fainting.”

Roughan confirmed that the £200 raised so far by the competition for the donkey sanctuary will still reach its intended destination, but that there will be a new ‘Acceptable Language’ policy drawn up immediately by the Board of Governors.

It has since emerged that over 10 votes were spoiled by entries using two words to describe Foster. Principal Adams reiterated that ‘effin’ is not an acceptable word anyway.

Brackaville Par-3 Golf Course Ask For £50 Prize Money Back From Darren Clarke

First tee view

First tee view

Officials at the internationally renowned Brackaville Golf Course are awaiting a response from Darren Clarke after they wrote him a letter asking for the £50 he won in a charity tournament in 1990. Internal investigations revealed that the Dungannon man failed to sign his scorecard at the end of his round. The then 22-year old reportedly spent the money on stout in the Brackaville GFC club.

“Rules are rules,” course manager Frank Fay told us. “This might be the best thing to happen to Darren – he’ll not make that mistake again.”

Fay added that Clarke’s ‘people’ told him over the phone that Darren hasn’t got £5o on him at the minute but that the next time he wins a big tournament he’ll definitely send over a cheque.

“That’s not good enough. I understand he hasn’t won much lately and is probably living off beans but debts are debts. We need that £5o as much as he does. The lawnmower’s bucked and Patsy’s goat has been under the weather so we’re stressed out here too. If we don’t see that money by the end of the month, there will be a couple of Brackaville boys making their way to his place, wherever that is.”

Fay also announced they have renamed the controversial 4th hole ‘The Rory McIlroy’ because that hole straddles both townlands of Roughan and Brackaville and people can have one foot in one place and the other in another creating a lot of confusion about where they are. He hopes the 4-time major winner will open the new hole ‘and bring a rake of fancy wemen with him‘.

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