Category Archives: Carland
Comedians Across The County Fear The Slap Since Oscars
Many local unofficial comedians up and down the county are living in fear that they could receive a slap in the aftermath of any wisecrack, after slapping comedians was legalised in America over the weekend.
Several pubs reported slaps on Monday night after resident jokers went too far with the slagging, a genre which has been a staple diet of drinking establishments in the county for centuries.
Comedians in crowds at football matches have also been warned to think twice about saying anything witty about referees or oppostion managers, as several slaps may be dished out by individuals slappers as per the new ruling.
The Omagh Comedy Club have requested a new licence to prevent slappers clipping anyone they think goes too far with the crowd-baiting technique.
In good news, a formal request to allow retrospective slaps for jokes made in the past about personal stuff has been rejected by the Stormont Appeals Committee. Several politicans held their collective breath, having been accused of being a shower of comedians in the past.
Ironically, a self-confessed comedian from Carland was disappointed not to receive any slaps at the weekend. A local explained that he just wasn’t deadly funny.
Councils Vow To Make Rural Broadband Across The County, ‘A Bit More Broader’
After floods of complaints about poor response times and inconsistent network service across the county, councillors in Tyrone today pledged to residents to improve the broadband delivery network in all parts of Tyrone.
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Local Councillor Enda McMann, said,
“Quite frankly, the broadband service provided by BT and Apple and Burger King and all them ones is cat. I live in Carland and it’s dung. There’s no one more frustrated than me of waiting for an image appear, horizontal slice by horizontal slice. It’s excruciating when trying to look at, like, you know, tractors and suchlike”, he said, shifting in his seat.
He went on,
“Things have to change. And we’re going to compel these big companies to make broadband much, much broader. That’s the thing, see. We need more broader broadband. That’s what we’re after. Broaderband in fact. That’s it. And then if you want Broadestband, maybe you pay a lock of extra pounds or something. Them BT boyos need to get up off their arses and get the bands widened. It can’t be that difficult. In fact, I have a couple of old scart cables lying in the attic doing hee haw. They can have them”.
Coming soon, to an exchange near you
Asked about his grasp of technical issues surrounding the challenges of extending internet connectivity, McMann said,
“Don’t talk to me about internet and Twitter accounts and fibre optics and all that. I know fibre when I see it. Jays, those Branflakes are packed full of the stuff, aren’t they? I had a quare bowl for breakfast yesterday morning and today it feels like I’m sitting on a elephant. In fact, would you excuse me for a few minutes?”
Returning a short time later, McMann continued with his theme.
“Yes, make no mistake, we’re going to organise a big demonstration outside the BT shop in Coalisland, with me at the front. Man of the people, that’s me. Banners and chants and all that”, he said proudly, before shouting at the top of his voice, “What do we want? More broadbands! When do want them? Now. Where do we want them? Inside them computer yolks”.
“I’m sorry, I think you’re going to have to excuse me again”.
Carland Man Patents New Flying Machine: ‘The Airborne Trampoline’
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A radical proposal from a Carland man that could revolutionise air travel was published yesterday, following thousands of trampolines throughout the county literally lifting off in the fierce storms since last Wednesday,
“It’s obvious when you think about it”, said wild-eyed, would-be inventor, 42-year old Danny Hughes. “All this time we’re driving like eejits down to Belfast or Aldergrove and spending a lock of pounds to catch an airyplane, when half the time the answer’s quite literally sitting in our own back yard. This is some invention boys. It’s the best thing since thon two boys invented the flying machine all them years ago. Was it the Mitchell brothers?”
The storms in recent days has seen numerous trampolines throughout the county being blown over and in many cases into neighbouring properties and fields.
“Them trampolines is born travellers”, said Hughes. “They’ve got the wanderlust in them. They just can’t wait to pack their wee trampoline bags and go travelling. So why not go with them?”
When pressed to provide a detailed technical specification on how the airborne trampoline system might work in practice, Hughes was somewhat vague, although the process seemed to centre on lashing someone to a trampoline with a big piece of blue rope, waiting for the wind to get up, and hoping for the best.
Hughes put his invention to the test by tethering himself to his daughter’s trampoline for four hours on Thursday evening, before coming back into the house suffering from mild frostbite and suspected pneumonia. The inventor was however upbeat about the episode, saying that patience was required.
“Listen. Trampolines is like bulls. They’re temperamental critters. That’s why they keep fecking children out the bouncy bit all the time and breaking their arms. You need to be gentle”.
He went on,
“I saw this one trampoline on Wednesday night in our neighbour’s garden. Jays, it was the most beautiful sight you’ve ever seen. It just lifted up, seemed to pause for a second, then it soared like a mighty eagle into the night sky. Fair enough, it then crashed down on top of their Nissan Cherry, but still”.
Carland Man Confirms That He’s Definitely Thinking About Taking Exercise
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Carland told several members of his family that he has made a life-changing decision and decided to give some thought to taking exercise.
Pearse Donnelly, a 33-year old gong-sounder from the Cookstown Road, said that it was something that he had in fact started doing several weeks ago.
“Yep”, said a determined Pearse. “I didn’t tell anyone about it because sometimes you don’t know how it’s going to go, see? But that’s nearly a month I’ve spent on it, and I’m as determined as ever to think about doing some sport”.
He went on,
“I used to as fit as a butcher’s dog at school. Only 11 stone. You should have seen me. Never off the football field. But to be honest I’m carrying a little holiday weight after the summer, and I’m up to 23 stone. So it’s time to think about change”.
Donnelly says there is no shortage of opportunities.
“I still have an old pair of running shoes in the attic or garage or somewhere. Or I could lift weights at that new gym in Coalisland. The community centre’s always doing fitness classes, so there’s no end of stuff I could be doing. All definitely worth considering. So all them ones who are scoffing and saying I can’t do it don’t know the score”.
Donnelly said that he had in fact already started doing some modest exercise one night watching television.
“The remote was broken, and I was eating a big bag of Kettle crisps, so I had to keep getting off the couch to turn the sound up because the crunching was so loud. Them crisps is deadly. And then I had this sort of epiphany. What if I just kept up the exercise? It’s like looking at things in a whole new way. I might switch to Pringles to start off though. Get into it by building up”.
His family remain sceptical.
“Lifting weights?”, asked his sister Jacinta. “The only heavy weight Pearse carries round is his own lazy arse. Send him down that gym and the first machine they’ll put him on is the respirator. He’s not wise. He needs to stop thinking and start doing”.
Donnelly remains adamant. “There’s also a skipping rope at the back of the shed. I could take that up as well”.
Donaghmore Wife Temporarily Leaves Husband Over Fig Rolls
A Donaghmore veterinary surgeon has temporarily moved into a caravan in Carland, away from her loughshore husband, after an on-going row about biscuits being bought for their house/mansion from the local filling station. Edward and Victoria Buckingham-Kensington have promised to patch up their differences in time but admit that a ‘time-out’ situation is the best course of action this weekend.
Victoria described what has forced her to desperate measures, and a trip to Carland:
“Frig the Fig Rolls. Donaghmore people do not eat Fig Rolls. Last week it was Bourbon Creams. The week before Custard Creams. What was he going to do next week? Jammy Dodgers or Pink Panthers? Hobs Nobs would even be better as they sound like the sort of biccie you’d eat around Ivybank Park alright. I’ve had enough. I know I shouldn’t have married a Derrylaughan man but I thought I could civilize him a bit by changing his surname from Donnelly to Buckingham-Kensington but obviously not. Fig Rolls, my posterior.”
Edward (previously known as Red Henry’s Lad) admitted he needs to up his effort if he’s to hold on to his Donaghmore dame:
“Aye, this is a bit of a blow. To be fair I saw the signs. Last week I told her I’d surprise her with a meal when she came back from horse-riding down the Pomeroy Road. I thought the corned-beef sandwiches plastered in brown sauce would do the trick but she went clean berserk and rubbed my face in it. I must try harder. I’m reconsidering the wellingtons and yard brush I got her for Christmas. Maybe I’ll change them for caviar or lobster or something these Donaghmore ones snack on.”
Victoria will remain in the caravan in Carland until her husband convinces her he can shake off the Derrylaughanish, starting with ditching the souped-up Massey he goes to parent-teacher meetings in.
Tyrone Tribulations 