Cookstown Family Under Pressure To Eat Everything In House Before School Starts
Neighbours and friends of the Sheehan family in Cookstown have rallied around them in support of their target to eat everything in the house before Monday 9th.
Malachy Sheehan (47), who reportedly took a head stagger at the weekend and demanded that from the start of school onwards there’ll be a family health-kick in the house, has already consumed NINE packets of Pringles, three selection boxes and over 5kg of pistachio nuts in two days. His wife managed to polish off a 12-pack of McCoys as well as FOURTEEN bottles of Shloer during a 12-hour period today.
Speaking from the bins at the side of his house, Mr Sheehan explained his decision:
“We’re slowly turning into small hippopotamuses. If we spread this food out over the next month we’ll never get back on track so I’ve set a target for all Christmas food to be eaten by next Monday. January is miserable anyway so why not make it even more miserable; you won’t notice.”
Sheehan’s eldest son, Malachy (14), has attempted a level of creativity inspired by his love of cookery problems by mixing up his cereal with full Milky Way bars and adding a side order of shortbread and cream crackers to the family dinner plates.
An anonymous neighbour, however, has lambasted the Sheehans for not donating the food to people in places like Kildress and Tullyhogue.
“They’re a miserable shower. Instead of throwing a few scraps to the poor people of Kildress they’re attempting to devour their unwanted food out of sheer wretchedness. I hope they get the runs.”
Tomorrow the Sheehans will be aiming to make a hole in over 15lbs of fudge.
Tyrone Women Finding ‘Moobs’ Increasingly Sexy In Men
A recent survey has revealed that an increasing number of women in Tyrone are expressing a liking for men with ‘moobs’ – man boobs which are caused by an excess of over-eating and drinking.
“That’s correct”, said Sean Tinkle Professor of the Research Institute of Northern Ireland. “There’s such a shortage of slim, normal-sized men that the Tyrone ladies are genetically evolving to find the big tubby fellas a turn-on. They’re becoming real chubby-chasers. Although to be fair, there’s not much chasing involved. Just a bit of waddling really”.
Asked about how he got to have moobs in the first place, 17-stone Pearce Dunn, a 23-year old candlemaker from Brocagh, said,
“Come on, do you know how much I’ve invested in this pair of beauties over the years? You don’t get a body like this by accident. I’ve spent literally thousands on beer, fast food and Pringles to get these puppies. And you know what? If you’ve got it, flaunt it”.
He went on,
“The ladies love plenty to hold on to. Some of them young cubs going about these days have no chest on them at all. Tara. And my stomach? Never mind about that. It takes a big hammer to drive a long nail, know what I mean?” he said, winking.
Many Tyrone men are proudly flaunting their moobs, with three men being cautioned for indecent exposure at the recent Dungannon Festival, but not everyone is keen to exhibit their wares.
“Actually, I find it a bit offensive”, said 19-stone Cormac Kelly from Fivemiletown. “I was at the Tesco garage getting diesel the other day and you should have seen the wemmin in the kiosk when I went to pay. I had to say to them, ‘Excuse me ladies, my eyes are up here’. Honestly, the cheek of it. It’s like I’m a piece of meat. Admittedly quite a big one”.
However, the trend looks set to continue, with Quinn’s Corner expected to hold a Mr Wet T-Shirt competition this Friday night.
Local Pilot Loses Licence After Maiden Flight
An Aughnacloy pilot has lost his Commercial Pilot’s Licence after a series of inappropriate comments whilst in charge of his first major flight from Belfast to Malaga last week.
Eugene McGoldrick, who qualified last year from a flying school in Canada, mistakenly left his microphone on at inappropriate times as well as making ill-advised jokes to the passengers during in-flight announcements.
Experienced air hostess Jenny Dowell from Manchester reckoned it was the most daunting and haunting journey she will probably ever face:
“I don’t know how that man got his licence. For example, just before take off he finished up his first ever introduction to the passengers by saying ‘Good luck, you’ll need it lads‘ before laughing like a maniac. That did not create a sense of calm amongst the flight attendants, never mind the paying public.”
Additionally, half way through the journey he mistakenly turned on his microphone during a game of Connect 4 in the cockpit with the chief flight attendant and screamed as he lost “HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD, I’M BATE” during a bumpy bit of the journey, sending the passengers into a wild frenzy of panic.
“People were kissing each other goodbye and tears were flowing,” claimed Dowell, and added “even after we’d finally sedated the passengers with free Pringles he then rounded off a disastrous flight by announcing ‘prepare for impact‘ before the landing procedure commenced. People were inflating jackets, blowing whistles and shining lights all over the joint.”
McGoldrick has since applied for a job in Powerscreen.
Loughmacrory Man’s First Flight Ends In Panic
A man from Loughmacrory has vowed never to step on another plane after his first venture on to an aircraft ended in him being banned by the airline.
26-year old farmer Conor Allen from Loughmacrory was embarking on his first flight to a tractor convention in England flying with Aer Lingus from Belfast City, when he became convinced that a full-scale emergency was underway.
“I’m tellin’ ye, it was terrifying hi. We were all sitting there in our seats quite the thing, lookin’ at the view out the windows and suchlike and then the wummin comes on the loudspeaker yolk all urgent-soundin’, telling us to get our seatbelts on. Jays, my life flashed in front of me. I thought we’d all been sent for. I admit it, I panicked big time boys. How was I to know they say that sort of thing all the time?”
The fact that Allen was panicked by the straightforward procedural announcement by the crew was made all the more embarrassing by the fact the plane had yet to leave the ground.
A sheepish Allen said,
“Look, I had had my eyes closed, sort of shutting everything out. When I opened my eyes and looked out the window all I could see was these tiny cars away below us on the ground looking like ants. Turns out they were ants. We hadn’t taken off. Some handlin’”.
Eye witnesses say that Allen flew into a blind panic and promptly leapt out of his seat yelling, “We’re doomed, we’re all doomed”, before jumping on top of the female passenger next to him, shouting, “Come on, we’ve only a few minutes left”, whilst taking off his wellies.
Allen’s defence that it was the airline’s fault that made him lose control of his self-restraint, his miniature box of Pringles, and also his bladder, left the airline unimpressed.
“We take safety very seriously”, said a spokesperson. “We tried to calm him down with a free Twix and a can of Magner’s which didn’t work, so we just tasered him in the arse with 40,000 volts. That quietened him down a bit”
Allen said that his flying days are now over, and that if he intends to travel to England again then he’ll do so by driving all the way.
Carland Man Confirms That He’s Definitely Thinking About Taking Exercise
A man from Carland told several members of his family that he has made a life-changing decision and decided to give some thought to taking exercise.
Pearse Donnelly, a 33-year old gong-sounder from the Cookstown Road, said that it was something that he had in fact started doing several weeks ago.
“Yep”, said a determined Pearse. “I didn’t tell anyone about it because sometimes you don’t know how it’s going to go, see? But that’s nearly a month I’ve spent on it, and I’m as determined as ever to think about doing some sport”.
He went on,
“I used to as fit as a butcher’s dog at school. Only 11 stone. You should have seen me. Never off the football field. But to be honest I’m carrying a little holiday weight after the summer, and I’m up to 23 stone. So it’s time to think about change”.
Donnelly says there is no shortage of opportunities.
“I still have an old pair of running shoes in the attic or garage or somewhere. Or I could lift weights at that new gym in Coalisland. The community centre’s always doing fitness classes, so there’s no end of stuff I could be doing. All definitely worth considering. So all them ones who are scoffing and saying I can’t do it don’t know the score”.
Donnelly said that he had in fact already started doing some modest exercise one night watching television.
“The remote was broken, and I was eating a big bag of Kettle crisps, so I had to keep getting off the couch to turn the sound up because the crunching was so loud. Them crisps is deadly. And then I had this sort of epiphany. What if I just kept up the exercise? It’s like looking at things in a whole new way. I might switch to Pringles to start off though. Get into it by building up”.
His family remain sceptical.
“Lifting weights?”, asked his sister Jacinta. “The only heavy weight Pearse carries round is his own lazy arse. Send him down that gym and the first machine they’ll put him on is the respirator. He’s not wise. He needs to stop thinking and start doing”.
Donnelly remains adamant. “There’s also a skipping rope at the back of the shed. I could take that up as well”.
Parish Priest ‘Kept It Real’ In Most Modern Omagh Mass Ever
Controversial parish priest Father Dermott Connor, launched a radical new mass this morning, aimed at bringing mass to the masses in the 21st century.
The 38-year old priest of St Matthew’s Parish Church in Cornamaddy near Omagh, explained,
“We’re ringing the changes. Young ones won’t go. Weekly dues are down. We need to raise money to renovate the church tower. And to replace the snooker table in the vestry”.
The priest has raised eyebrows amongst his flock with some of his far-reaching changes.
“We brought the communion wafers bang up to date and switched them to Pringles. The young ones loved it. We kept it tasteful and stuck to the conventional ready salted flavour, nothing flash like thon barbeque ones. Although I did toy with the idea of doing ‘Jesus n Onion’ flavour. And ‘Exalt n Vinegar’”.
Fr Connor was however keen to show his respect for the usual traditions.
“Of course we still did the Death Notices but we changed them to ‘Death Shout Outs’, to liven things up a wee bit for the dearly departed. We have to be sensitive to the traditions of the church but also alive to the modern times. But we can combine both. Which is why I think turning the queue for communion into a big conga line was the best idea although the replacement hips brigade found the going tough. And Mrs O’Halloran has been practising Sister Sledge’s ‘We Are Family’ on the church organ for a few weeks now and we’ll give that a rattle next week”.
The forward-thinking priest has also replaced the angelus bells with a ‘bass cannon’, a 30-second blast of hardcore dance trance music that’ll get its first airing tonight. 88 year old Kitty McCabe gave her view:
“Ah he’s some bollox that boy. It’d be more in his line to de-modernise it. I really miss kissing the Bishop’s ring and the Latin. Also, the priests used to turn their backs to you and we could lark about behind them swapping snuff and winking at far out cousins. Though them Pringles are nice enough now but why not a slice of Veda”.
Other ideas being considered include replacing the offering of the the sign of peace, usually a weekly handshake with people in neighbouring seats, with high-fiving each other, and putting MTV into the confession box.