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Local Pilot Loses Licence After Maiden Flight

Aughnacloy's first fully qualified pilot was excitied

Aughnacloy’s first fully qualified pilot was excited

An Aughnacloy pilot has lost his Commercial Pilot’s Licence after a series of inappropriate comments whilst in charge of his first major flight from Belfast to Malaga last week.

Eugene McGoldrick, who qualified last year from a flying school in Canada, mistakenly left his microphone on at inappropriate times as well as making ill-advised jokes to the passengers during in-flight announcements.

Experienced air hostess Jenny Dowell from Manchester reckoned it was the most daunting and haunting journey she will probably ever face:

“I don’t know how that man got his licence. For example, just before take off he finished up his first ever introduction to the passengers by saying ‘Good luck, you’ll need it lads‘ before laughing like a maniac. That did not create a sense of calm amongst the flight attendants, never mind the paying public.”

Additionally, half way through the journey he mistakenly turned on his microphone during a game of Connect 4 in the cockpit with the chief flight attendant and screamed as he lost “HOLY MARY MOTHER OF GOD, I’M BATE” during a bumpy bit of the journey, sending the passengers into a wild frenzy of panic.

“People were kissing each other goodbye and tears were flowing,” claimed Dowell, and added “even after we’d finally sedated the passengers with free Pringles he then rounded off a disastrous flight by announcing ‘prepare for impact‘ before the landing procedure commenced. People were inflating jackets, blowing whistles and shining lights all over the joint.”

McGoldrick has since applied for a job in Powerscreen.

Would-Be Airline Pilot Sacked As Moy School Bus Driver Two Days Into The Job

Sort of like this

Sort of like this


A frustrated school bus driver who failed to qualify as a commercial airline pilot has been sacked from his school bus driving job after only two days.

Barney ‘Doors to Manual’ Corrigan was told by the Dungannon Education Authority on Tuesday evening not to return to his post after repeatedly compromising the safety and security of the passengers in his care, most of whom were pupils at Clonless Primary School near the Moy.

Sacked only two days after pupils returned to school at the start of this week, Corrigan confessed to driving at speeds over 80 mph, but offered no explanation for the dangerous and erratic behaviour.

“I know what the bollix was trying to do. He was trying to take off, that’s what”, said irate mother-of-two Sheila Donegan. “Some of them roads is fine for 80 miles an hour, but Jaysus, he was doin’ it going up the feckin’ school driveway. The kids were terrified. It was like that fillum with Keanu Reeves and the bus. What was it? Edward Scissorhands? And my cub said that he kept giving out weather reports and estimated time of arrival. What’s that about? The school’s less than two miles away. If it’s pissin’ with rain here, it’ll be pissin’ with rain there”.

Defending his position, Corrigan said,

“I was just trying to get everyone to school quickly like. You try driving a bus with that lot on it. It was cat. My ears are still ringing from the screams of terror. On Tuesday I had one of them blubbin’ his head off because he was havin’ to go back to school, and then he went and soiled himself. And that was one of the teachers. The weeans were worse. How am I supposed to drive down the runway with that going on? Road. I meant road”.

The pupils also alleged that Corrigan told them it was a ‘no-frills’ bus and charged them 10 pence each for their own packed lunches. Corrigan has since demanded back from the school his two ping pong bats that he insisted the headmaster use to guide his bus into its parking space.

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