Monthly Archives: June 2019

Sean Cavanagh’s Hair Gel Fails RTE Risk Assessment

808807-e1501691361854Kerry’s Tomás O’ Sé has privately admitted to friends and family that he fears for his life after it emerged that Sean Cavanagh failed a Health and Safety check in RTE studios.

Cavanagh, who denies any behind the scenes deal with famous hair gel giants, failed a risk assessment test on Sunday before the programme went live. A lit match above the Tyrone legend’s hair managed to engulf the whole studio in flames for 4 seconds, scarring O’ Sé’s already naturally singed brows.

An RTE insider told us:

“Cavanagh would need to wise up. It’s ok being the professional women’s favourite but to put the whole studio at risk is reckless. Tomás has an appeal to the agricultural woman so he just rocks as he is and it is a whole lot safer.”

The Moy’s less defensive Cavanagh has repeatedly denied any deal with hair gel giants Brylcreem but insiders believe he may soon slap on gel live on TV to promote his own brand of homemade hair stuff.

Cavanagh will appear in future shows though RTE have promised to have extra fire extinguishers on hand under punishing studio lights.

Tyrone Board To Cancel Plans For Unique Quarter Final Draw After Animal Rights Complaints

article-2644641-00380EDA00000258-614_634x566A Tyrone County Board member has described today’s generation as ‘snowflakers’ after they were forced to cancel plans to have a cow swallow 8 small snooker balls with numbers on them and wait for her to shite them out to form the senior championship quarter final draw.

Local animal rights activists had promised to chain themselves to the gates at the Garvaghey GAA Centre if the draw went ahead in this fashion. One such member, Aidy McGuckian, explained:

“This idea was totally ridiculous. Cows don’t eat snooker balls. And even if it did, you could be waiting days for her to shite all 8 balls out. This wasn’t well thought out at all.”

A leaked report suggests that a mostly-successful trial run had already been carried out in a field near Pomeroy last week. The only hiccups reported were when the cow shat out 2 balls at the same time, and the cleaning of the balls.

An anonymous County Board member lambasted today’s generation as ‘total snowflakers with no imagination at all’ and hasn’t ruled out carrying out their idea behind closed doors.

Schools To Show ‘There’s No Place Like Tyrone’ As Detention Punishment

859ef7c284064d44_Sad-Kid_xxxlarge_2xIt has emerged that seven schools in the county are currently forcing detained students to watch ‘There’s No Place Like Tyrone’ on loop as an effective deterrent against bad behaviour in the classroom, for anything up to two hours depending on the severity of the offence.

Parents have complained of their children being scarred for life or in floods of tears on collection, after having to sit through at least one episode of the current new series as punishment.

However, many schools have reported a marked improvement in behaviour for the first time since corporal punishment was banned in all educational institutions in the late 80s.

Cookstown parent Banty Sheehy confirmed that he’s all on for the new initiative, claiming that his son’s behaviour has now improved at home as well:

“I’ve threatened him as well with watching it at home and locking the living room door. This TV show could really change young people’s mind-sets and tendency to do bad stuff. 20 minutes of the programme and my young lad is begging for forgiveness.”

The Education Authority maintain that they will monitor the situation but added that hordes of screaming children trying to escape through the windows of detention rooms is not a good look for prospective parents and pupils.

Hilary McGettigan, Principal of Gortin Academy, explained that they will only use the ‘There’s No Place Like Tyrone’ treatment for serious misdemeanours such as nailing rotting fish to the underneath of the teacher’s desk or calling someone a ‘bollocks’,

 

Tyrone Babies In Every County Now Due To Red Hand Back Door Exploits Since 2002

GAA-Tyrone-Fans1It has emerged that there are now over an estimated 7000 men and women with thick Tyrone heads on them roaming about all counties in Ireland due to Tyrone’s tendency to go the back door route every year in the All Ireland Football Championship.

With Tyrone already preferring the scenic route in 2019, experts reckon that figure might reach 8000 before the season is out. The Red Hand county’s massive male travelling support have continued to woo local women in counties such as Carlow, Meath and Longford, the majority resulting in fairly brief but productive courtships.

Having dabbled in the back door route since 2002, counties such as Wexford and Leitrim already have Tyrone-blooded 17-year-olds playing for their county minor teams.

Leitrim county selector Liam O’Touhill reckons he has three boys playing for the U17 team with unmistakeable Tyrone heads on them:

“You can’t miss them. They have that sort of permanent scowl on the faces, liking for country music and some of their actions on the field are questionable to say the least. It’s no coincidence that Tyrone played here in 2002. The first game was called off after 10 mins because of rain and I know a pile of Tyrone boys went drinking in Carrick-on-Shannon that evening.”

Tyrone play Longford next week, having played there seven years ago. The county board have urged their male supporters to do the right thing if approached by a seven year old and their mother.

Meanwhile, Peter Harte has described as ‘ludicrous’ the accusation that he purposely got black carded last Saturday against Donegal so that he could see Love Island live on the TV.

 

Cow Dung ‘Cooling Properties’ Might Curb Glocal Warming, Says Omagh Scientist

Cow dung on the inside walls and floors of houses in Tyrone, as well as in cars and offices, may be an eco-friendly vision of the future according to Omagh scientist John Graham. 

Graham (61) maintains that spreading cow dung can reduce immediate temperatures by over 5 degrees within 10 minutes. He went on to suggest that it will eventually be used as moisturiser for anyone wishing to keep cool during sticky summer months.

“If my plans are heeded, I project that global warming will be halted for millions of years and might even recede. I covered my car in cow dung and never had to turn on the air conditioning once, helping the environment in doing so. People need to embrace cow dung and save the planet.”

Already, thousands of Tyronnies have been stocking up on cow dung for any imminent heat waves this summer, with many local pharmecuticals vying for the rights to patent new cow dung facial cooling sprays.

Gortin sauna-user Patricia McGrady (44) confirmed that she often uses cow dung on her face during sauna sessions:

“It definitely makes you cooler. When I use it in the sauna three times a week, it feels like I’m just sitting in a normal room. I hate saunas so this is great news.”

Meanwhile the pot hole on the Plumridge main street has been filled in with grass.

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