Monthly Archives: June 2019

Tyrone Babies In Every County Now Due To Red Hand Back Door Exploits Since 2002

GAA-Tyrone-Fans1It has emerged that there are now over an estimated 7000 men and women with thick Tyrone heads on them roaming about all counties in Ireland due to Tyrone’s tendency to go the back door route every year in the All Ireland Football Championship.

With Tyrone already preferring the scenic route in 2019, experts reckon that figure might reach 8000 before the season is out. The Red Hand county’s massive male travelling support have continued to woo local women in counties such as Carlow, Meath and Longford, the majority resulting in fairly brief but productive courtships.

Having dabbled in the back door route since 2002, counties such as Wexford and Leitrim already have Tyrone-blooded 17-year-olds playing for their county minor teams.

Leitrim county selector Liam O’Touhill reckons he has three boys playing for the U17 team with unmistakeable Tyrone heads on them:

“You can’t miss them. They have that sort of permanent scowl on the faces, liking for country music and some of their actions on the field are questionable to say the least. It’s no coincidence that Tyrone played here in 2002. The first game was called off after 10 mins because of rain and I know a pile of Tyrone boys went drinking in Carrick-on-Shannon that evening.”

Tyrone play Longford next week, having played there seven years ago. The county board have urged their male supporters to do the right thing if approached by a seven year old and their mother.

Meanwhile, Peter Harte has described as ‘ludicrous’ the accusation that he purposely got black carded last Saturday against Donegal so that he could see Love Island live on the TV.

 

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Cow Dung ‘Cooling Properties’ Might Curb Glocal Warming, Says Omagh Scientist

Cow dung on the inside walls and floors of houses in Tyrone, as well as in cars and offices, may be an eco-friendly vision of the future according to Omagh scientist John Graham. 

Graham (61) maintains that spreading cow dung can reduce immediate temperatures by over 5 degrees within 10 minutes. He went on to suggest that it will eventually be used as moisturiser for anyone wishing to keep cool during sticky summer months.

“If my plans are heeded, I project that global warming will be halted for millions of years and might even recede. I covered my car in cow dung and never had to turn on the air conditioning once, helping the environment in doing so. People need to embrace cow dung and save the planet.”

Already, thousands of Tyronnies have been stocking up on cow dung for any imminent heat waves this summer, with many local pharmecuticals vying for the rights to patent new cow dung facial cooling sprays.

Gortin sauna-user Patricia McGrady (44) confirmed that she often uses cow dung on her face during sauna sessions:

“It definitely makes you cooler. When I use it in the sauna three times a week, it feels like I’m just sitting in a normal room. I hate saunas so this is great news.”

Meanwhile the pot hole on the Plumridge main street has been filled in with grass.

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