Monthly Archives: June 2020
A local West Tyrone priest has been asked to mediate in the escalating Lynch family war after a disagreement over whether beans should be in an Ulster Fry or not turned ugly.
The question, which asked participants to name as many ingredients in a traditional Ulster Fry as possible, was the last question to be asked due to the violent threats issued in its aftermath.
With all teams separated by one point going into the last round, allowing ‘beans’ as an answer would have resulted in a clear victory for John Lynch’s team but it was not allowed by the question master who was also John’s godfather and uncle.
“I knew that bollocks had set me up. Beans are one of my favourite food stuffs and I’d pour them over the whole fry and he well knows it. Sure his wife, my aunt, used to ask me if I wanted a fry with my beans. This isn’t over.”
The local parish priest was called in the early hours of Saturday morning after three Lynch families were spotted openly brawling on the Kilclean Road amidst a volley of bad language including ‘you know where you can stick your f**kin mushrooms”.
Various leaders within the county have asked families to proofread and adjust any controversial questions in future.
The Department of Education has urged older teachers to sharpen their aim for the return to teaching in September. Social distancing regulations means normal methods of sharing classroom work have to be shelved in favour of throwing the exercise books at each other.
Teachers will be brought back early in August to practise long-range throwing for pupils sitting in the back row. Any pupils caught purposely mis-throwing their books in order to hit other pupils or firing them intentionally hard at the teacher will be moved to the front for a two-month probationary period.
Education Minister Paddy Weird added:
We have also advised the cooks and catering staff to get used to flinging sausage rolls and pizza slices at pupils, either landing on a disposable plate or directly into their mouths. Foot such as mashed potato and gravy will be funnelled down pipes onto the plates from at least a 10m distance.”
Teaching unions have surprisingly supported the workbook-flinging initiative and have pushed for pens, staplers and sharpeners to be included in the hurling list.
Meanwhile, teachers of History have voiced concerns that local children may have a completely one-sided version of history now that they’ve been homeschooled by parents, especially those in Galbally and Carrickmore.
This morning GAA authorities have confirmed that they will liven up behind-closed-doors GAA games by playing recorded abuse towards the referee from the crowd in order to create a better spectacle for the TV.
A meeting was held this morning to identify the most common insults and the committee settled on many favourites which will create a sense of nostalgia for supporters sitting at home. They include:
‘You’re a cheating lousy bastard’, ‘Useless C**t’, ‘what do you expect from a (insert county/club here) bollocks’, ‘He’ll give us nothing the hoor!’ ‘Are your eyes painted on?’ ‘You’re a f**king wanker!’ ‘You forget your cards ye dick?’ ‘you’re a disgrace (insert surname here), just be fair!’
as well as other favourites. Referees have also been asked to add to the list if they can recall some from their own experiences.
The committee has also added some player abuse such as ‘if it was a fish supper you’d catch it’ but didn’t want to create offence by using too many.
Meanwhile, Croke Park officials are also considering asking TV spectators to pay a fiver to watch the games on the TV as well as uploading pictures of themselves onto social media sites eating ham sandwiches and opening flasks of tea whilst sitting in makeshift boots in their living rooms.
East Tyrone Eating Establishment Under Investigation For Selling Underground Cowboy Suppers In April
A well known fast food outlet in the east of the county is reportedly being investigated for trading in illegal cowboy suppers since early April under the noses of the police in the town.
Although we’re unable to identify the establishment for legal reasons, it has been confirmed that over 400 portions of the popular sausages, beans and chips dish were sold in the first two weeks in April in disused bus shelters and outside GAA grounds under the cover of darkness.
Additionally, two police officers are currently suspended pending investigation having been accused of buying two cowboy suppers on the night of Easter Sunday. Local comedian and bird watcher Peter Campbell added:
“I’m saying nothing but it wasn’t too hard to get one if you were really craving it. We all knew where to go. People need to be careful though. No salt was provided and you can forget about vinegar being added. People need to be aware of that before buying or at least know to provide their own.”
Tins of Lilt were also available for much cheaper than the local supermarkets.
Meanwhile, local men have been urged to stop wearing retro tight shorts during the spell of good weather.