Monthly Archives: June 2016
Tyrone MLA Barry McElduff has reacted furiously to the news that Sinn Fein’s Chris Hazard, the first Minister for Infrastructure, will spend all new money on heated bus stops in County Down.
Hazard, from Drumaness in Co Down, has reportedly been sickened by constant badgering by his party comrade McElduff regarding sorting out the A5 road saga. In response, Hazard has allegedly decided to spend over £3.5m on heated bus shelters in Crossgar, Killyleagh, Ardglass, Portaferry, Downpatrick and Newtownards as well as other minor villages and townlands in his native county.
A dumbfounded McElduff was reportedly seen stomping up and down the hill in Stormont muttering things like ‘typical stoop’ and ‘we exist yknow’
A close confidante of McElduff’s added:
“Obviously I’m not going to say too much about it but Barry’s clean mad about this. He was sure having a Shinner in the infrastructure gig would see the A5 as the number one issue for the next couple of years. The announcement of the heated bus stops in Down has knocked him for six. The worst part of it is that Down ones wouldn’t be short of money normally and you’d see rakes of them with fur coats on anyway standing at the bus stops. And a lot of Down ones don’t use public transport as they’ve 2 or 3 cars normally.”
The news of the heated bus stops also comes as a blow to Coalisland residents as it was hoped that some of the money was to be set aside for the erection of a car parking facility where up to three cars can park in a legal fashion within parking white lines and all.
“We were even going to run courses on parking in a mannerly fashion”
remarked the town’s Lord Mayor Bosco ‘The Spanner’ Coleman.
BREXIT FOILS MICKEY HARTE’S FREE TAKING SOLUTION
Mickey Harte, who has lamented the lack of a reliable free-taker in recent years, has been forced to shelve plans to unleash a Portuguese corner forward with a lethal left foot after the Lisbon-born sharp-shooter flew back to his native country following the EU Referendum.
Luis Barros, who honed his skills watching all of last year’s Sunday Game, played in a training game last Tuesday, scoring 0-6 from play off Aidan McCrory as well as notching 0-4 from free kicks before being substituted before half time, suffering from hypothermia in Garvaghey.
Despite being secretly told he’ll probably be starting at the expense of Conor McAliskey, Barros was seen at Aldergrove airport boarding a plane to Lisbon whilst reading a paper and shaking his head.
YIZ DESERVE IT SAYS RED HAND PENSIONERS
In a straw poll outside an old people’s home in Cappagh, Tyrone’s pensioners have revealed a list of reasons why they voted en masse to leave the EU – twerking, texting, sexting, the Kardashians, Chris Evans, chewing gum, bad punctuation, public affection, tattoos, mumbling, nicknames, video games, rap music, alcopops.
“Yiz deserve it,” added a 98-year old from Galbally, before asking what the question was.
PUB IN COALISLAND OVER-REACTS BY BANNING EURO GAMES ON THE TV
A pub in Coalisland has vowed to uphold its decision to bar the transmission of any of the remainder of the European Championships in case they’re fined by somebody. Despite protests by supporters of the Republic of Ireland and the Northern Ireland supporter in the town, bar owner Brian Bulldozer Conlon maintains it’s a rule here to stay:
“I’m not taking any chances. Them boys in London will fine the balls off us I think if they catch us watching the Euros. It’s in the small print I reckon.”
Following the news that MLAs spend an average of £32’000 a year between them on refreshments, an independent audit has revealed that over £10’000 was spent on Custard Creams.
Further to that, all bar one MLA revealed they never once saw a Custard Cream at a meeting, leaving all fingers pointing in the direction of Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff who was often spotted with crumbs on his jacket and around his lower lip.
In a more sinister move, MI5 admitted to raiding McElduff’s offices for evidence of his mass biscuit consumption only to find nothing incriminating bar a poster of Peter Canavan being fouled by Conor Gormley and a CD of Philomena Begley’s ‘Songs From The Ramparts and other stuff’.
Independent Audit spokesperson Julie McPhearson added:
“It’s quite obvious that McElduff is addicted to Custard Creams and is using the offices in Stormont to feed this addiction. Catching him at it is another thing, as he appears to have a sound knowledge of the security camera black spots. But if you look closely at any photographs or video footage, you can see crumbs on his lapels and even sometimes chewing really slowly.”
McElduff, when questioned on the mysterious Custard Creamgate, remained nonchalant:
“These people have nothing better to be at. I haven’t had a Custard Cream since the 1990s although I’m partial to the Gypsy Creams at the wekend but they’re harder to get now. They can search the place all they want. They’d be better looking around Alex Maskey’s office and count the amount of empty Penguin biscuit wrappers.”
The audit also revealed that in 2016 alone, £5600 has already been spent on cocktail sausages, made exclusively by Cookstown Meats, firmly pointing the finger of suspicion at the SDLP’s Patsy McGlone.
Iceland, who are appearing in their first major soccer championships, have always been happily known as Iceland ever since the ice-age. However, it appears that following a trip from a group of Coalisland GAA players to Reykjavik for a sub-zero training camp to prepare for games in the high altitude of Carrickmore and Strabane, the Icelandic Federation have adopted their pronunciation of Coalisland as their Euro’16 name for the top let hand corner of the TV.
Coalisland stalwart Renoir McSherry added:
“Them boys kept asking us questions about the town and about Landi’s deals on cowboy suppers and stuff. We kept saying it’s hard to bate the ‘island for a good feed. It’s now quite obvious, after watching their 1-1 draw against the Portygal, that they’ve adopted L’islande after hearing it from us. I feel raw and hard done by. We’ll be taking them boys to Omagh court.”
The (CNCG) Coalisland Name Conservation Group’s chairwoman Sheila McAteer has also threatened to sue the French nation for making up a new word based on their own local pronunciation of the town and are calling for both France and Iceland to be thrown out of the competition.
“It’s the only way these people will have manners put on them. And it’ll let them know we haven’t forgotten about the Thierry Henry handball either. “
Meanwhile, the CNCG are looking into renaming Annagher ‘Belgium’ if their case against Iceland is unsuccessful.
The tiny village of Beragh is set to become the envy of the county if an adventurous gamble comes off during the current European Championships in France.
After days of intense analysis by sporting experts in the local watering establishment, it was decided that Uruguay was the most likely outsider to win the tournament. Every family agreed to donate £10 each to the kitty which, if successful, will see the village a cool £3.5 million richer due to the generous odds laid on by local bookmaker Westwoods. The winnings, if successful, will see work begin on a multi-million pound leisure centre with an Olympic-length swimming pool and a tennis court capable of holding one of the world majors.
Kitty treasurer Kitty Grimes told us:
“If the boys are correct about this, we’ll be the richest village in Ireland, if not the world. The jealously will be dripping off the Omagh ones. We’ll make sure every penny is accounted for and if there’s any left over we’ll have a fun day or something like that. Well done to the lads in the pub. I’m quietly confident they’ll come up smelling of roses. And a big thank you to Westwood bookmakers who laid on generous odds of 10’000-1 even though he stands to lose a fortune.”
The village has already been kitted out in Uruguay colours, much to the delight of soccer expert and chief debater John McCaughey:
“Ah it’s great to see the flags all around. They’ve really got behind our decision. It was a heated debate and strong arguments were made for France, Spain, Mexico and even England but we all agreed eventually that Uruguay was the most likely underdog to win it. That Luis Suarez lad is lethal.”
Although unsure when Uruguay’s first game is, McCaughey maintains it’ll be one hell of a party to begin a month of celebrations before the expected financial windfall.
A Dungannon woman was made to wait over 145 minutes after security was called during her check-in at Belfast International Airport due to a message she received at the moment of mobile-device scanning.
It transpired that Moira McFerron was checking in using her smartphone app when her husband, at home in Dungannon, decided to send her a picture of his backside in an attempt to keep her happy. The image of Denis McFerron’s posterior appears to have caused a serious malfunction in the airport’s multi-million pound high-tech computer system, resulting in a series of delayed flights as well as two cancellations.
Moira, who collects money for a range of charities, maintains she hadn’t a clue her husband could do something like that:
“Why the hell would I want to see that man’s arse? Sure I’d only left the house 3 hours earlier and was only going to be away for a lock of days in total for a hen trip. What he did has ruined the holiday. Especially when the police printed out the image, magnified. Denis has got the whole sexting things arse about face, in more ways than one.”
Aldergrove admitted they’d experienced a near-terminal computer malfunction after an attempted mobile phone flight ticket scan:
Denis, who was unavailable for comment today, received a smart phone as a 50th birthday present last week and had apparently been getting carried away about how quickly photos could be sent and had already been cautioned for sending his neighbour a photo of his wife showering ‘for an oul laugh’.
Despite almost universal critical acclaim after his two concerts in Dublin at the weekend, Bruce Springsteen was said to be reeling after it emerged a group of Dungannon country and western fans were left unimpressed by the American singer, lamenting his decision not to even attempt Wagon Wheel and for ignoring their placards and pleas to sing ‘If Tomorrow Never Comes’.
Springsteen (66), who played for over three hours during both concerts, wooed 150’000 fans with renditions of classics such as ‘Born in the USA’, ‘Born To Run’ and ‘Dancing in the Dark’ but it was the songs he left out which annoyed music fanatics in Dungannon.
Concepta Doris (49) fumed:
“We spent a fortune buying massive fake wagon wheel biscuits, stetsons and cowboy boots…and all for what? All he sang about were rivers and glory days and the USA. Not even a line from Wagon Wheel or Blanket on the Ground. People say he’s a great performer but you’re only as good as your ability to sing these classics and, in my opinion, Springsteen ducked it.”
Doris’ best friend Jackie Quinn went as far as asking for a refund:
“Even after two hours I still hoped he could stop with the crap and sing a few bonafide country and western tunes. But he copped out of it. I’ll be writing to Springsteen to ask for my money back. Even The Gambler would have done. But he kept harping on about the promised land and factories and sticking it to the man. Rock Me Mama was never happening.”
The 8-strong Dungannon posse staged a mass walk out at 10pm after which Springsteen sarcastically broke into a couple of bars of Margo’s ‘Dust on Mother’s Bible’.