Monthly Archives: January 2019

Tyrone To Hire Artane Band And 80’000 Spectators To Spook Mayo Before NFL Game In Omagh

imageTyrone have decided to up the ante this weekend in an attempt to gather their first points in the National League by pretending that Sunday’s game in Healy Park is actually the All Ireland final.

Charging away spectators 90 Euros, the Tyrone County Board are confident that their plans will spook Mayo into losing what we believe will be their 23rd All Ireland Final defeat in a row. In an effort to make the event even more realistic, the board have developed a new ‘Dick Clerkin End’ of the ground where under 8s will be rounded up into and made to sit down and shut up.

Explaining their decision, a county spokesman said that no expense will be spared to recreate All Ireland Final day and put the shivers up Mayo:

“We all know Mayo have lost their last 39 All Ireland Finals. If we can get the 80’000 into Healy Park, the Artane Band and some boy to jump out of a helicopter with the ball before the game, we’ll be well on our way to those two points. Making sure half the crowd are well inebriated shouldn’t be a problem either.”

The Tyrone Board have admitted that fooling Michael D Higgins into attending will take a bit of work because of a bad experience Higgins had with a girl from Omagh in 1958.

 

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Three Injured As Another Whist Drive In Carrickmore Turns Ugly

 

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The calm before the storm

Police have urged whist players across the country to calm down a bit after a fifth whist game resulted in a mass brawl last week, this time in the sleepy village of Carrickmore. 

 

Following on from the shooting in Ardboe last month when an unsuccessful and irate whist player shot at the car tyres of one of his opponents after the event, Carrickmore Social Club was the latest scene of whist violence which threatens to grip the county in fear.

Although the exact reason for the brawl in unclear, onlookers claim there was a menace in the air from the first minute the cards were shuffled. Henry Gormley, a whist expert of 71 years, maintains the game may need to go underground until order is restored again:

“It is out of control. Whist is on the verge of witnessing drive-by shootings and the like. This happened with dominos in the 1970s. All of a sudden domino meetings were witnessing riots all over the county and it was finally halted after a man was scalped in Derrytresk halfway through a game. Us Tyrone ones just take things too seriously after a while.”

Last week there were 32 Whist Drives held in GAA rooms across Tyrone, with police reporting disturbances at 31 of them.

Cannibalistic Thoughts On The Rise As January Refuses To End

sk-2017_04_article_main_mobileDoctors across the country have released a joint statement urging people to hang in there for another week after they revealed that almost 55% of the population admitted to having cannibalistic thoughts over the last week.

In what has been labelled ‘the longest January since records began’, households have been scurrying to the back of their cupboards trying to muster up some kind of meal with many resorting to sugar sandwiches and pickled onions from a jar.

However, in a more sinister development, hundreds have admitted to either having cannibalistic daydreams or on the receiving end of weird looks from friends in pubs and at Mass etc.

Without breaking any confidentiality agreement, Dr McGonagle from Dromore revealed the extent of the January blues:

“Only last week, one of the Kelly girls from up the road told me she seriously considered taking a lump out of her sister’s arm whilst she slept. This was just one of thirteen similar stories I received that day. People are also worried that others are sizing them up too. I urge people to hang in there for another week.”

Although most families will receive some form of income within the next seven days, police have doubled their presence in the county to deter any illegal eating.

GAA FACTS: Who Was Dr McKenna?

By Aughoughilley Schniffles

p06ylcgsDoctor McKenna, who happily gave his name to the cup Tyrone adore so much, is an often rumoured about and mistaken figure. One legend has it that he wasn’t a real doctor at all, like Ian Paisley senior. This legend is probably correct. Today, for the first time, we reveal the man behind the silverware…

Doctor McKenna is often mistaken as being “the man who founded the IRA along with Saint Patrick in 1868”. That was the other Doctor McKenna and Saint Bridget.

This Doctor McKenna, our Doctor McKenna, actually hailed from a land across the sea. He was born into the Rappahoe people of Nevada in 1847, and in 1849 the then 10-year-old father of none, who felt he was destined for more than “just hills and buffalo”, set off for Boston and a began an apprenticeship as a silversmith.

Soon after, Mendeleev published his perodic table of the elements and the young McKenna, realising he had an allergy for all things Ag, set sail for the port of Clonmel in County Tipperary. He first set foot in Ireland in 1844 aged just 19.

Significantly for the people of Hibernia, he brought with him a clay glass with a handle on it, which he called his “wee cup”. This is credited as the introduction of the word “wee” in Ireland.

He immediately fell in love with the ignorant and foolish Irish people he met, and liked to tap his right foot to reels (never jigs) with his cup full of whiskey of an evening.

A Tyrone woman, Kitty Harte, who travelled to Clonmel in hunt of a baby, was smitten by McKenna and remained smited but not bited.

Not much is known about Kitty other than she returned to Tyrone and went mad talking about and longing for a cup and a Doctor McKenna the remainder of her days.  The Tyrone natives of the time saw what the talk of the cup did to the woman. Over a million of them attended her funeral, swearing to hunt down Doctor McKenna and his cup, and drag both kicking and screaming by hook or by crook back to the O Neill County, not least for child support for all the wee McKennas.

And so it remains. Every January since, the people of Tyrone scour the land in their droves remembering the hurt and the loss caused to one of their own all those years ago.

The accuracy of the record above hasn’t been certified by the National Gallery of Ireland or Wikipedia.

Armagh Caught Spying On Tyrone Before McKenna Final

unknownA number of Armagh officials disguised in a variety of ways have been caught spying on Tyrone training this week in the run up to their much-anticipated clash in the McKenna Cup final this Saturday. 

Suspicions were raised on Tuesday night when a fish and chip van pulled up outside one of the training pitches up in Garvaghey intending to sell fast food to the players and management as soon as they finished training. Although it was perceived as odd at the time, suspicions were only confirmed when assistant manager Gavin ‘Horse’ Devlin order a pastie bap, only to be told there was just one Wispa and a tin of Irn Bru on sale by a man in a thick Silverbridge accent. He was asked to leave.

On Wednesday, three Armagh officials were caught pretending to fix the boiler in the weights room during the Tyrone strength and conditioning night. Alarms were raised after half an hour when a Tyrone backroom team member mentioned there were no boilers in the building. All three were chased with a broom by Peter Donnelly. They apparently headed the direction of Maghery.

Finally, a man eating apples turned up for Tyrone training today insisting he was Sean Cavanagh, even though the Moy man had already retired two years ago. Although he uncannily resembled the novelist, the fact that he ate three apples and washed down the final one with Buckfast gave the game away. Peter Donnelly also chased him with the same broom the whole way to Lurgan.

Coalisland Chip Shop Stockpiling Cowboy Suppers In Case Of No Deal Brexit

cgcojy8w0aab4icA famous Coalisland chip shop has admitted to stockpiling ‘maybe a million’ cowboy suppers as fears about a no deal Brexit continues to haunt businesses up and down the county. 

The Cowboy Supper, consisting of 2 sausages, chips and a slap of beans, has been the staple diet of most East Tyronians since the early 1900s and is often cited as a reason why county managers tend to pick lads from the west. Coalisland firm Landi’s have reportedly hired a storage unit in Dungannon and have already filled it with frozen versions of the meal.

A Coalisland local and avid Cowboy Supper consumer, Paddy Quinn, added:

“This a great piece of news to be fair. I couldn’t care about diesel or Disprins. If we can throw a Cowboy Supper into us once a day who gives a damn about hard borders and stuff. Stick on a Dolly Parton record and all is well.”

Other chip shops are said to be looking into commencing a similar operation, with an outlet in Cookstown already revealing they have stored over 300 pastie baps for Belfast ones who may be visiting their famous market on a Saturday.

Half Of Tyrone On Tablets For Nerves After 80% Of Bins Not Emptied On Normal Day

_95176464_image2Despite repeated warnings that bin collections may be disrupted over the festive period, over 20’000 applications were made for a fresh course of nerve tablets as hordes of Tyronnies struggled to look at overflowing bins this week.

In an additional concern, many families paid uncles and grandfathers to watch bins overnight in case rodents attacked overfilled carcasses of turkeys and other meaty deposits. Over 300 cases of hypothermia were cited in the greater Omagh area since December 27th.

Local GPs have reminded patients that tablets will only be offered if the bin-lid is over 45 degrees open and will only accept photographic proof.

Sion Mills binman and social commentator Jessie Kavanagh admitted that it was worse this year due to the inability of people to look at stickers on bins:

“Unless it’s on Twitter or Facebook, no one knows anything. On my rounds this month for example,  I stuck three stickers on a particular bin close to me about the festive dates and, lo and behold, I saw it sitting on the kerb on the day it shouldn’t have been. People need to read bins.”

The Tyrone Bin Association are to run night classes on bin-sticker reading from February the first. The course will cost £35 or £100 for a family of four.

 

Chinese Make It To Dark Side Of Moon And Find Killeeshil Size 5 O’Neills Ball

C1-000000000003453001-638Wx638HThe Chinese have confirmed that the first image from their un-crewed Chang’e-4 probe which touched down in the South Pole-Aitken Basin this morning was that of a GAA football with ‘Killeeshil GFC’ clearly marked on it. 

Early reports suggest that it may have been kicked in late 2008, hinting at suggestions it was actually a point scored by Hub Hughes against Aghaloo in a crucial intermediate league game. The ball was never found despite extensive searches right into Dungannon.

Efforts to retrieve the ball are now underway due to a shortage of funds at the club. Already, the Killeeshil treasurer has made contact with a few Chinese people to see if they can get the plans they used to get their motor onto the moon.

This is not the first time a successful score by Hughes caused international headlines. His point, ironically in the same year at the end of the All-Ireland final, saw the ball block out the sun in most of the southern hemisphere. The event lead to the creation of a Hughesian religious cult in Taiwan and the Philippines.

Tyrone Farmers’ Association To Trial Sheepflix And Cowflix Movie Apps

p05r3g5yRecent market research has prompted the Tyrone Farmers’ Association (TFA) to roll out two new movie apps aimed at fans of sheep and cow based films.

Sheepflix and Cowflix will be available on all good app stores from February 1st and will include classics such as Shaun the Sheep, Rams (I, II and III) and The Cow and I.

Tullyhogue farmer and animal film buff Winston McMahon maintained he is beside himself with anticipation:

“It’s often said you shouldn’t work with children or animals. In my book, there’s no other work that comes close. The unpredictable nature of our four or two-legged friends can be the source of some comical scenarios. Annabelle’s Wish is one of my all-time favourites. It’s about a cow that becomes one of Santa’s reindeer. I cry every time I see it.”

The TFA reckon their projection of over two million downloads within a year may be ambitious but are confident of reaching at least a million by the start of the summer.

Although an 18+ subscription service is currently in the pipeline, the TFA added that their main focus is to cater for bog-standard material normally ignored by mainstream TV.

“When was the last time you saw Farmageddon on the BBC? And we’re paying our TV licence for what?”

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