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Cannibalistic Thoughts On The Rise As January Refuses To End

sk-2017_04_article_main_mobileDoctors across the country have released a joint statement urging people to hang in there for another week after they revealed that almost 55% of the population admitted to having cannibalistic thoughts over the last week.

In what has been labelled ‘the longest January since records began’, households have been scurrying to the back of their cupboards trying to muster up some kind of meal with many resorting to sugar sandwiches and pickled onions from a jar.

However, in a more sinister development, hundreds have admitted to either having cannibalistic daydreams or on the receiving end of weird looks from friends in pubs and at Mass etc.

Without breaking any confidentiality agreement, Dr McGonagle from Dromore revealed the extent of the January blues:

“Only last week, one of the Kelly girls from up the road told me she seriously considered taking a lump out of her sister’s arm whilst she slept. This was just one of thirteen similar stories I received that day. People are also worried that others are sizing them up too. I urge people to hang in there for another week.”

Although most families will receive some form of income within the next seven days, police have doubled their presence in the county to deter any illegal eating.

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Pomeroy Council Considered Cannibalistic Contingency Plans Due To Heavy Snow

Sliding down a mountain in Pomeroy

Sliding down a mountain in Pomeroy

A leaked document this morning has indicated that the Pomeroy Village Council (PVC) met up on Sunday morning to draw up armageddon proposals if the snow didn’t thaw any time soon. With all roads leading out of the quiet townland looking increasingly impassable due to the heavy drifting, the secret council met up after Mass and laid down a two-point plan in case of a worst-case scenario. They were as follows:

 

1. If the roads become totally impassable for more than 24 hours, a time capsule is to be filled with remnants of what life was like in Pomeroy in 2013. Suggested contents included an xbox, a Dandy yoyo, Pomeroy GAA togs, a bit of the mountain, a Wispa, a piece of hair, the Irish News and Philomena Begley.

2. The human race to be kept going as long as possible. This might necessitate eating each other. Everyone over the age of 18 is to write an essay on why they think they should not be eaten. The authors of the worst essays as judged by the council will be slaughtered and fed to the youngsters and babies as they have longer to live and might survive long enough for it to thaw. The council members will only be considered for consumption when everyone else over 18 has been eaten.

The PVC were quick to play down the meeting and its contents today. Danny Devlin, chairperson, stated:

“Ah we got a bit carried away on Sunday morning. The snow flakes were deadly and cars were queued from the bottom of Pomeroy Street to the Bawn Orange Hall. I admit we panicked. I would like to assure the people of Pomeroy that no one will be eaten. All roads seem to be open. In fact none were closed at any stage really. We’ve made a hames of this. Sorry.”

Calls for the PVC to resign en masse have fallen on deaf ears. Devlin laughed when it was put to him and muttered “I’d like to see them try make us” whilst menacingly reaching into his coat pocket and winking.

Dregish Apologise For Eating Missionary

Despite a gap of 160 years, the people of Dregish have finally apologised for cooking and eating a Scottish Missionary on September 13th 1852. The act of contrition occurred as a local witchdoctor, still practising in the area, finally decided that the cannibalistic deed was indeed responsible for their lack of silverware on the football field. He advised that an apology should be issued to help break the lengthy curse.

“I’d heard about the human feasting in Dregish as I child growing up in the area but thought no more of it,”  local joiner Pat Bunion told us. “When you think about it we’ve been fairly dry when it comes to success so an apology to the family of Tamish McStocker is worth a punt. I’d heard that only his boots were left and they even tried to chew through those. He was said to be delicious but a little salty.”

Cannibalism in Dregish, 1800s

How McStocker had annoyed the Dregish villagers is still unclear. Some documentation points to the possibility of him indicating that the women in Drumquin, were he had just come from, were ‘prettier than the Dregish women’.

“There’s a big rivalry between ourselves and Drumquin, especially regarding the women. To be honest, if a man said that today whilst in Dregish he still might get the same treatment. There’d be a short fuse around these parts. There was a preacher from America here last year and he was going on about salvation far too much. We had him boiling in a big pot, alive, before the PSNI intervened. Unfortunately, there’s no place for cannibalism in Ireland these days and we’re poorer for it”

The public apology with be followed up by a ceremony in Dregish involving McStocker’s great, great, great grandson who will be presented with the half-chewed boots his ancestor wore that fateful day. Dregish play Beragh this weekend.

paul g moss

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