Cannibalistic Thoughts On The Rise As January Refuses To End
Doctors across the country have released a joint statement urging people to hang in there for another week after they revealed that almost 55% of the population admitted to having cannibalistic thoughts over the last week.
In what has been labelled ‘the longest January since records began’, households have been scurrying to the back of their cupboards trying to muster up some kind of meal with many resorting to sugar sandwiches and pickled onions from a jar.
However, in a more sinister development, hundreds have admitted to either having cannibalistic daydreams or on the receiving end of weird looks from friends in pubs and at Mass etc.
Without breaking any confidentiality agreement, Dr McGonagle from Dromore revealed the extent of the January blues:
“Only last week, one of the Kelly girls from up the road told me she seriously considered taking a lump out of her sister’s arm whilst she slept. This was just one of thirteen similar stories I received that day. People are also worried that others are sizing them up too. I urge people to hang in there for another week.”
Although most families will receive some form of income within the next seven days, police have doubled their presence in the county to deter any illegal eating.