Category Archives: Ballygawley
Double Vaccinated Parents Barred From Ballygawley Sports Day Race For Having Longer Limbs Now
St Feckin’s PS in Ballygawley has notified parents who received at least two Covid vaccines that they are barred from competing in the parents’ race at the sports day next year, due to complaints from local non-vaccinated residents who claim their friends’ limbs grew over an inch each since the jabs were issued.
Although top scientists are refusing to confirm the larger limb syndrome, governors in the school have acted quickly to bar the vaccinated parents, with other local primary schools to follow suit before long.
One teacher, who wished to remain anonymous, confirmed that she has been able to reach the cereal cupboard in her house ever since she received her second dose, having previously stood on a stool or asked her tallest son to grab it for him. The tallest son can now touch the ceiling, having had two boosters.
Principal Steven Kinhead (48) confirmed:
“Yes, we are barring any parents who have received at least two jabs. I know of about ten people in Ballygawley who have longer legs now and it simply isn’t fair. The high jump competition was a farce last year.”
There will be a race for vaccinated parents but it will not be timed and no medals will be given out.
WHAT’S ON IN TYRONE – THIS WEEKEND
SATURDAY 4TH MARCH
BALLYGAWLEY – RAVE AT THE ROUNDABOUT
In order to raise spirits after recent defeats, the Tyrone County Board is holding a rave in the middle of the Ballygawley Roundabout. Classics such as ‘Blanket On The Ground’ and ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ will be rehashed for the techo age. DJ Endza McGinley. Roundabout opens 7pm
STEWARSTOWN – BARE KNUCKLE BOXING FOR WOMEN
Stewartstown Committee has scheduled a bare-knuckle competition for women between the ages of 18 and 90. The ‘last woman standing’ event will see a prize of a £50 voucher to be spent in Lowes Butchers. Outsiders are not welcome. First fight 8pm.
DONAGHMORE – WALK TO POMEROY AND BACK
The Donaghmore Walkers’ Society have organised their maiden Donaghmore to Pomeroy walk, a treacherous expedition not attempted since Paudge Donnelly tried it in 1964. He was never seen again but legend has it he still roams the mountains. Bring your own weapon and a flask of tea. Walk starts at 5am.
SUNDAY 5TH MARCH
STRABANE – BEAR-WATCHING DAY
The annual bear-watching day takes place this Sunday at the Home Bargains car park from 9am-12pm, before the shops open. Bears once ran wild in Strabane over 2500 years ago so the locals maintain a tradition of keeping count of the bears in the area on the first Sunday in March every year. There hasn’t been one since 1744 but that one turned out to be a bare man from Castlederg.
TATTYREAGH – AGRICULTURAL POETRY WORKSHOP
In what will be the third week of the workshop, participants will be asked to find words that rhyme with cow, tractor, baling twine, harvester, and spud. Two hours. The first rhyming word is thrown in at 3pm.
DERRYLAUGHAN – EEL-SKINNED ARTEFACT DISPLAY
The Loughshore Eel Appreciation Society is opening up its valued artefacts to be viewed by the public for free. Some examples are the eel-skinned handbags used by local women up until 1998, eel-skinned dentures, an eel-skinned small tractor, and eel-skinned pencil cases for children which are still in use. The display opens at 12pm.
Possible Donegal Spy Balloon Spotted Flying Over Ballygawley. Shot Down.
Tyrone GAA officials have officially complained to GAA administrators in Dublin after it emerged that a balloon flying over Ballygawley on Thursday was possibly a Donegal spy balloon, as it appeared to be sponsored by McEniff Hotels.
With Donegal set to face Tyrone in Omagh on Sunday, early evidence appears to suggest that they intended to get a head start by spying on any new tactics Dooher and Logan may be thinking of trying out at the weekend.
Luckily Peter Harte spotted the balloon whilst studying clouds during a lull in the training session in Garvaghey. Dooher instructed his players to start doing yoga followed by ballet dancing in order to confuse their rivals.
The balloon was eventually shot down by Feargal Logan who keeps a pile of air pistols handy just in case, in the boot of his Mazda.
UPDATE:
The balloon was actually a helium balloon bought for a 10-year-old’s birthday in Dungannon which blew away due to high winds. Logan has promised to reimburse the young lad.
Vaccinated Gangs Of Pensioners Terrorising Communities Across The County
Police have asked people to be vigilant after it emerged that gangs of vaccinated pensioners are roaming streets of local towns and villages intimidating younger people and only half wearing their masks and stuff.
Plumbridge was one of the first alerts when over 20 pensioners were caught on CCTV ransacking the local Spar and using their trollies as bumping cars. Despite pleas from sons, daughters and grandchildren to cease, the debauched activity continued, splling outside onto the Main Street where they walked about in groups and refusing to move when asked to by street cleaners and postal workers. Several had even taken to wearing hoodies and beeping like mad late into the night on mobility scooters.
An anonymous pensioner, Mary Quinn (81) from the village, explained:
We’ve been couped up long enough. It’s payback time. It wasn’t fun you know, looking out the window every day and seeing youngsters milling about spreading this thing. Now’s that we’ve had the jabs, we’re going to show them how it’s done.
Mary abruptly left the interview to head into the local off-licence, purchasing three bottles of Buckfast and giving us the middle finger as she left.
Similar stories have been reported in Dungannon, Cookstown, Omagh, Ballygawley and Coalisland.
Ballygawley Man Told To Put Some Trousers On FFS
A Ballygawley car salesman has been told for the last time to stick some trousers on FFS after wearing nothing but a 1986 Tyrone top and boxer shorts for the last three days whilst holed up at home.
Patsy McGeehan (44) was even spotted in his trunks answering the door to delivery men and feeding birds out around his back. Calls from his wife and children to put on even a pair of tracksuit bottoms on or pyjamas have fallen on deaf ears until this morning when his mother demanded and even cursed.
Mrs McGeehan (87) added:
“He can be an awful contrary bollocks sometimes. Even if he had changed the boxer shorts it may have been tolerable, and I’m just talking about what I see from Skyping him. I think cursing on the phone made him think again. I haven’t let a ‘fuck’ out of me since Armagh won the All Ireland in 2002.”
The McGeehans have confirmed that Patsy donned a pair of old brown cords today and an A-Team t-shirt he kept from the 80s.
Meanwhile, marriage counsellors have confirmed a 700% rise in phone calls in the county since mid-March.
Woman Who Bought 62 Easter Eggs Still Unsure If She Has Enough
Spare room
A Plumbridge housewife has admitted she might take one more skite to the Spar to pick up a few more eggs despite already amassing over 60 of them since the start of April.
Mary Best (61) revealed she has three children and nine great-grand children but that she couldn’t be sure everyone was catered for as children have big appetites these days:
“I couldn’t sleep last night thinking about it. 62 eggs sounds like a lot but children are a lot bigger these days compared to 20 years ago. I have 27 Wispa eggs so I’m hoping they go down well. If not, there’s going to be Rice Krispie buns til Halloween, so all good.”
Best has a long way to go to break the Irish record for Easter egg gathering. In 2013, a Ballygawley pensioner bought over 400 eggs after panicking the day before Easter, despite having no living relatives.
After only off-loading three of them, Frances McGill ended up melting the eggs and making an erotic sculpture of her hero, Mickey Harte.
Female Politician Of The Year Foster To Present Ginger Of The Year To Canavan
The Tyrone legend Peter Canavan is to receive another honour this weekend in Ballygawley after it was announced he will be the recipient of Tyrone Ginger of the Year, sponsored by Vosene.
In addition, the diminutive Glencull terrier is to collect his award from the newly-crowned and much-deserved female politician of the year Arlene Foster. GAA fanatic Foster, renowned for her economic genius and general open-mindedness, was never seen out of Clones last year and even bought a headband.
Canavan will follow in the footsteps of other ginger winners such as Malachi Cush, Darren Clarke and Hugh O’Neill, Earl of Tyrone.
Event organiser Francis McAssisty admitted he was quite excited by the prospect of Foster and Canavan in the same room:
“It’s like seeing two of The Beatles together or two of ABBA, or even the Bee Gees. Foster is a world-famous politician and Canavan is also well-known in mid-Tyrone. There will be sandwiches and mineral for all attendees and a free sample of Vosene for everyone in a small fizzy drink bottle. The bottles have been well-washed, don’t worry.”
Meanwhile, residents in Ballygawley have been asked to fly DUP flags outside their windows to welcome Foster to the area. If none are available, it has been suggested that a bonfire be lit up on Garvaghey hill.
Confused Man Bought Wife 10 Cadbury Roses Sweets Instead Of Flowers For Valentines
A Carrickmore roof thatcher has just recently been allowed back into the family house after he excitedly but mistakenly threw 10 Cadbury Roses sweets onto their bed on Valentine’s morning instead of the ten roses his wife had requested the night before.
Patsy Gormley, who admitted he was only half listening to his wife Margaret as he was watching The Chase on UTV, painstakingly chose two hazel whirls, two fudges, two strawberry dreams, two coffee ones and two regular caramel sweets from a tin left over from Christmas and flung them onto their bed in what he thought was a dramatically romantic gesture.
OK, I admit I wasn’t really listening but flip sake, did she need to bounce them off my head one by one? I even went out and made up for it and got her a balloon and a packet of crisps but the damage seemed to be have done.”
Ironically, Gormley maintains he was initially going to pick his wife a clatter of daffodils until she mentioned the roses idea.
In other news, the Miss Ballygawley beauty contest has been cancelled for the 6th consecutive year due to the controversially strict entry criteria. The rule in question, Rule 2.4, dictates that all contestants must have their natural teeth, hair and eyebrows. All two contestants were disqualified.
Panic Stations As Teachers Run Out Of DVDs To Show In Class As School Summer Holidays Approach
Teachers across Tyrone were said to be gearing up for a raid on Nutts Corner this Sunday after hundreds of pupils complained they had already watched all their schools’ June catalogue of films several times and would rather do work instead.
Faced with the horrendous possibility of devising lesson plans as well as marking in June, teachers from both the primary and secondary sectors have hired 33 minibuses to arrive at the county Antrim market on Sunday to annex as many previously unheard of movies through acute and effective bargaining.
A maths teacher from Ballygawley, who wished to remain anonymous, added:
“Because of Netflix and streaming, children seem to have watched everything. Last week I heard of a lad who asked to do some sums in class in Omagh because he didn’t want to watch Frozen again, and it in the middle of June. No one wants that creeping in, correcting work and stuff and it sunny outside. It’s hard enough actually teaching after Easter. “
Since this incident, students in various schools have started to post messages on social media stating they would rather learn about irregular verbs in French than sit through another two hours of Batman or E.T. .
Meanwhile, teaching union UTTUR have warned teachers that anyone buying counterfeit DVDs will be made to work from the 21st of August 2018.
Cavanagh, Jordan, Devlin and Harte To Settle Differences In Charity 4-Way Cage Fight In Garvaghey
Following a spate statements and counter arguments regarding Tyrone’s style of play over the last few weeks, the county board have announced a 4-way MMA bout between giants of Tyrone GAA to be held at Garvaghey in aid of a new donkey sanctuary in Aughnacloy.
The fight, which pits two Moy men (Sean Cavanagh and Philip Jordan) up against Ballygawley’s Harte and Ardboe’s Devlin, will be televised live on Sky Sports 3 on the 31st June at 7pm.
Despite differences of opinion on the same issue between the two Moy men, it appears that they are prepared to put that aside for the sake of club loyalty and team up to face the wily experience of their former manager and the pure dirt of his Ardboe assistant.
Speaking at the media launch of the event, Tyrone PR expert Harry Quinn admitted there will be no softening of current mixed martial arts rules:
“Gavin Devlin was adamant that anything goes as soon as the referee gives the nod. Although Sean has the obvious height advantage over both men, Devlin is skilled in the deeper dark arts, something only loughshore men are proficient in. Harte may not have age on his side but he know’s both Moy mens’ Achilles heels inside out. Ruffling Sean’s impressive mane is a predicted tactic.”
Philip Jordan was this morning seen lifting empty kegs of beer outside Tomney’s and firing them at a wall shouting ‘you should have made me captain earlier ye bollocks’, suggesting he has already started intense training.
‘Run to the Hill!’: Ballygawley Residents Over The Moon As Local Landmark Gets Recognition.
By Skitter
a hill near the hill
Plans to grant Ballygawley’s famous Hill ‘listed’ status have been unveiled by Mid-Ulster Council. Just like the town’s eponymous roundabout (world famous to generations of Belfast ones evacuating on The Twelfth) Ballygawley Hill is synonymous with local memories and folklore.
According to respected local hill-watcher Dennis Dunlop,
“The Hill was formed in 400 AD when The Romans were building a slide, but they stopped to take pints so it never got finished.”
When strange and unknown people come to town, the Hill immediately becomes pivotal to their experience. Without even asking for directions we were warmly told, “The Protestant chapel is up the Hill, turn left and straight on down ‘til you come to it.”
The Hill also forms part of the sexy ‘Swingers Corner’, where plenty a buck drives up to Gormley’s Bar, swings her round and heads straight back down again.
Soapbox racing, diffing and cruising often take place on the road of the Hill itself. However, the cherished surface can become quite greasy in the rain. This means, like manys a good Ballygawley woman, conditions are always slippery.
It’s perhaps most infamous for the 2006 ‘Battle of Ballygawley’, when a load of Galbally lads fell out of a bus, rolled down the Hill and bate into Centra. Ejected from the school formal, all they wanted was crisps, toilet roll and “a feckin after-party”.
Despite being full of old people, no one in Ballygawley can ever claim to be over the hill – with many local people admitting they haven’t actually been beyond the top of it. Rumour has it that it leads to some strange and backward dystopia called Carrickmore, but according to Dennis, “that place sounds pretty shite so no one bothers goin’ ”.
Quare Drying Weather Status Announced In Mid Ulster
Thousands of washing lines are this morning said to be under serious stress after the news that Hurricane Ophelia will hit Ulster, which initiated an unprecedented drive to get anything out that can be washed, especially the ones that can’t be tumble dried.
Plumbridge housewife, Cecilia Quinn, admitted she washed bedclothes that didn’t really need washed at all, having got caught up in the hysteria:
“It’s not often you get hurricanes in the Plum so we have to make the most of it. I’m not sure the line will hold out as I’ve 13 duffel coats on it as well most of the settee covers and curtains. This Ophelia better be good though I’ve saved a right few quid on the tumble dryer already.”
Locals have been warned to be on high alert when driving past heavy-loaded lines as underwear and blankets could come off the pegs and restrict vision. Perverts have also been told to stay away as heavy-duty knickers may be aired today as well and could become a choking hazard.
Meanwhile, Errigal Ciaran’s bid to have the game replayed because the hurricane stopped Peter Harte’s penalty has been rejected as the storm was near Portugal at the time.
Farmers Accused Of Using Instagram Filters To Make Cattle Look More Attractive Online
Buyers have been warned not to trust cattle mart websites as social media watchdogs confirmed that dozens of farmers are using unnnatural filters to make their produce more pleasing on the eye. Additionally, it is alledged that specialist bovine make-up is being applied to cows at weekly cattle sales in Dungannon.
Manmade filters such as ‘Amaro’, ‘Valencia’ and ‘Nashville’ appear to be farmers’ unnatural favourites to employ on a rangle of cattle accroding to agricultural media-watcher Kelly Quinn from Cappagh:
“I knew something wasn’t right when I saw a picture of a Friesian heifer ready for bulling, looking like as if it was photographed at sunset even though the sky was quite obviously high in the sky. The sunset filter had been used and, to me, this is false advertising. How disappointed the bull must have been when they met in the flesh.”
Futhermore, reports of cattle with make-up streaming from their faces during wet days at the market in Dungannon have enraged purists from the area. 86-year old Charolais bull specialist admitted he fears the worst the next time he attends the market:
“What’s next? Heifers in petticoats? The world’s gone mad.”
Meanwhile, a traffic jam at the Ballygawley roundabout this morning was caused by two camels mating on the road. Local tradition dictates that it’s bad luck to interrupt such a session.
Cow Dung Art Gallery To Be Built In Ballygawley
Following a surge in the popularity of cow-dung art in mid-Ulster, the Department of Arts and Entertainment has given the go-ahead for a state of the art gallery beside the Garvaghey pitches to showcase the best of what Tyrone have to offer in this discipline.
Cow-dung art, also known as An Pictiur Shoite in Irish, dates back to the time of St Patrick when a group of poor women, in an area of what is now known as Cookstown, offered St Patrick some dung-art in appreciation for the great Masses he said when passing through.
In recent weeks, cow-dung art has experienced something of a resurgence in the county after a 62-year-old posted an Instagram picture he created of his wife in a bikini using only the fresh dung of his own cattle.
Gerry McGarrity, who boasts over 500 drawings he created using only local produce and his fingers, said the centre could draw millions of tourists to Tyrone in the same way as the Louvre in Paris:
“There’s a big market for cow-dung art across the globe. It is a form of 3D art as you can smell the pictures as well as look at them. In my opinion it’s £4.5m of tax-payers money well spent. Think of the chip van or potato stall potential outside the building too, bringing more money to the local community.”
Early brochures suggest that the picture of McGarrity’s wife in the bikini will be the ‘Mona Lisa’ flagship display for the cow-dung arts centre and will be called ‘McGarrity’s Wife In A Bikini’.
Squad Of Tyrone Brickies, Sparks And Plasterers Head To Buckingham Palace In Transit Van
Following the news that Buckingham Palace is to receive a £350m refurbishment, a white Ford Transit van has been seen heading off the Ballygawley roundabout today towards the direction of Dublin and probably eventually to Holyhead.
Eyewitnesses state that over 20 men were bundled into the back of the van which appeared to come with a food rack, plylined to increase carriage of plaster boards & tools, extra deadlocks on the side and back doors, probably just serviced with a new clutch and rear brakes making it a reliable work-horse.
Although a request for tenders has yet to be formally structured, a friend of the driver believes they should have no bother getting the gig. Ballygawley native Pamela McCann maintains the area has a rich history in contributing to world-renowned structures:
“Yes, the Ballygawley/Glencull area is hiving with talented tradesmen. It’s not well known but lads from here helped to build the Eiffel Tower, the Great Wall of China as well as the Great Barrier Reef. It comes as no surprise that the Queen of England turned to here for help. Fair play to her – up to now I though she was an oul bag.”
The van, which was described as having a middlin suspension, was spotted in Navan at a service station with many of the men buying The Daily Star, a packet of prawn cocktail crisps and a Mars Bar.
Canavan Leads Tyrone Tribe To Standing Rock In Support Of Native Americans
Picture by Lee Jackson
Tyrone GAA great Peter Canavan is said to be ‘going nowhere’ after he was confronted by State Troopers during his continued protest with the Standing Rock Sioux Tribe in North Dakota who halted construction of the $3.7 billion Dakota Access oil pipeline.
Canavan, who thanked Native Americans in person for their financial help in 1847 during the Great Famine, is said to have wholly embraced the local culture and customs and may not return to Ballygawley at all.
In return, Canavan has taught many of the Sioux Tribe the finer points of Gaelic Football, Hurling and Camogie. Some of the male members of the tribe, however, are worried that many of the newly born Sioux children have a head on them like Canavan’s but are willing to overlook that if they get tickets for the All-Ireland in 2017.
Canavan remarked:
It’s like my spiritual home. Throw in my experience of throwing bricks and stuff during the troubles and I’m finding this fairly familiar. I don’t know if I’ll ever leave Standing Rock. Big difference to standing in the Rock listening to Gourley waffling away about teaching.”
Canavan’s tribe, made up of over 40 people from Ballygawley, Cappagh and Dungannon, have adopted local names with Peter himself now demanding he’s called ‘Shiny-Domed One’. Using his expertise in hurling which was honed during his spell with the Killyclogher Hurling Club, Canavan managed the Sioux Pearses to a 2-18 to 1-18 win over the Choctaw St Mary’s in the Standing Rock minor hurling final last weekend, earning him the admiration of local women.
A local Native American, who wished to remain anonymous, added:
“He’s a great man for the protests but he’d need to keep his head down. There are a lot of babies the spit of Canavan.”
Tyrone Schools Participate In Inaugural Slagging Competition
In a landmark occasion, schools from Cookstown, Dungannon, Coalisland, Ballygawley and Omagh competed in the first Schools’ Slagging Gala which replaces the traditional debating competitions as of this year.
Although Education Minister Peter Weir has yet to comment on the initiative, it is thought that the Tyrone Schools’ Slagging Gala will be used as a pilot for the rest of the country and will be monitored closely by his ministerial team.
The winners of the first ever competition was a Coalisland school who were judged to be ‘brutal slaggers‘ and ‘capable of shocking banter off the cuff‘ by the three-strong judging panel. They defeated hot favourites Ballygawley in the final when the East Tyrone school played their trump card by slagging the mothers of the Ballygawley pupils.
Chief judge Marian Maguire explained their decision:
“Coalisland showed a real talent for cutting their opponents to the bone. Ballygawley resorted to a lot of ‘aye yer ma’ or ‘you’ve a head on you like a cabbage’ which didn’t really seem to faze the eventual winners.”
It was in round two when Coalisland forged ahead when their captain called a Ballygawley contestant a ‘rare looking bastard‘ and followed up by labelling his opposite captain ‘as thick as a bull’s walt‘.
“After that, the Ballygawley school were easy fodder. They were finally defeated when a Coalisland lad said his opponent’s ma had a face on her like a bucket of smashed crabs. It was mightily impressive.
added Maguire.
The Coalisland school now go on to play the Belfast champions.
Tyrone O’Neills To Be Re-Classified On Physical Characteristics
Typical O’Neill from Coalisland
The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.
The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.
The following list summarises the main changes:
O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.
O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.
O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.
O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.
Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.
20’000 Attend Party For Parents As Children Return To School
An estimated 19’800 parents from all over the county attended an open air drinking session at 10am near the Ballygawley roundabout as thousands of children returned to school after another wet, wild and windy summer holiday period.
Police confirmed that no arrests were made at the impromptu get-together as children were informed by head masters to walk home from school due to lack of sober drivers.
Paddy McCourt, a father of four primary school children, explained:
“Someone put up on Facebook this morning about having a bottle of Buckfast at the roundabout after dropping the children off and before long the place was hiving with hundreds of ecstatic parents. Don’t get me wrong, I like my children alright but I couldn’t do one more day of separating them after another fight over the charger for an iPad. And there’s only so many times you can head to an overclouded Barrys in Portrush or visit the granny in Dungannon.”
Conversely, Ballygawley teacher Harry Quinn was reprimanded by his school governors for being photographed drinking with the revellers, despite supposedly being back to work today. Quinn, who also has four children at primary school age, was described as ‘screaming and shouting like a mad man’ as he was pulled away from the party by several colleagues from the local school.
Meanwhile a P6 boy was sent home from St Malachy’s in Moygashel after he wrote a 2-sentence reply to the ice-breaker exercise of ‘What did you do over the summer?’. Head teacher Mrs Fullerton insisted that “Nothing. Sure wasn’t the weather shit” was not an acceptable reply.
McElduff Fury Over Heated Bus Shelters In Co Down
Tyrone MLA Barry McElduff has reacted furiously to the news that Sinn Fein’s Chris Hazard, the first Minister for Infrastructure, will spend all new money on heated bus stops in County Down.
Hazard, from Drumaness in Co Down, has reportedly been sickened by constant badgering by his party comrade McElduff regarding sorting out the A5 road saga. In response, Hazard has allegedly decided to spend over £3.5m on heated bus shelters in Crossgar, Killyleagh, Ardglass, Portaferry, Downpatrick and Newtownards as well as other minor villages and townlands in his native county.
A dumbfounded McElduff was reportedly seen stomping up and down the hill in Stormont muttering things like ‘typical stoop’ and ‘we exist yknow’
A close confidante of McElduff’s added:
“Obviously I’m not going to say too much about it but Barry’s clean mad about this. He was sure having a Shinner in the infrastructure gig would see the A5 as the number one issue for the next couple of years. The announcement of the heated bus stops in Down has knocked him for six. The worst part of it is that Down ones wouldn’t be short of money normally and you’d see rakes of them with fur coats on anyway standing at the bus stops. And a lot of Down ones don’t use public transport as they’ve 2 or 3 cars normally.”
The news of the heated bus stops also comes as a blow to Coalisland residents as it was hoped that some of the money was to be set aside for the erection of a car parking facility where up to three cars can park in a legal fashion within parking white lines and all.
“We were even going to run courses on parking in a mannerly fashion”
remarked the town’s Lord Mayor Bosco ‘The Spanner’ Coleman.
Tyrone Tribulations 