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Quare Drying Weather Status Announced In Mid Ulster

1 P165Thousands of washing lines are this morning said to be under serious stress after the news that Hurricane Ophelia will hit Ulster, which initiated an unprecedented drive to get anything out that can be washed, especially the ones that can’t be tumble dried. 

Plumbridge housewife, Cecilia Quinn, admitted she washed bedclothes that didn’t really need washed at all, having got caught up in the hysteria:

“It’s not often you get hurricanes in the Plum so we have to make the most of it. I’m not sure the line will hold out as I’ve 13 duffel coats on it as well most of the settee covers and curtains. This Ophelia better be good though I’ve saved a right few quid on the tumble dryer already.”

Locals have been warned to be on high alert when driving past heavy-loaded lines as underwear and blankets could come off the pegs and restrict vision. Perverts have also been told to stay away as heavy-duty knickers may be aired today as well and could become a choking hazard.

Meanwhile, Errigal Ciaran’s bid to have the game replayed because the hurricane stopped Peter Harte’s penalty has been rejected as the storm was near Portugal at the time.

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Family Concern For Lottery Winner Who ‘Doesn’t Know Herself at all’

Not at herself at all

Not at herself at all

The family of Ballygawley lottery winner Josie McGinley are said to beside themselves with worry for her after her £3000 win on the local GAA club lottery. McGinley (61), who is reported to have splashed out on plants and garden ornaments, has alarmed friends and family after repeatedly stating she doesn’t know herself at all since the windfall.

Sister and clinical psychologist Sadie McGinley reckons it’s time for social services to step in:

“I was talking to her yesterday and asked her how she was feeling after the big win. She just kept saying ‘jays I don’t know meself at all’ whilst browsing through the Littlewoods catalogue for expensive pyjamas. She either needs the money taken off her and given to her siblings or committed to some institution, with the money given to her siblings. She can’t go about not knowing herself.”

Concerns have also been raised about her husband Joe who has been spotted as ‘laughing’ whilst saying ‘she doesn’t know herself’ when asked how things were since the big win. Sadie added:

“I think he has what she has. Maybe it’s the early signs of ebola or something but he’s going about smirking and laughing about our Josie not knowing herself. If that’s what winning money does to some people they’re better off not having it at all and the winnings given to her siblings.”

Errigal Ciaran GFC released a statement indicating that they’ll monitor future payouts in their lottery and set up a winners’ counselling committee from tomorrow onwards for any wins over £50.

 

GAA Team’s Goodwill Gesture Falls Flat In Eglish

7159403222_163c72644c_zInspired by the story of a senior panel from Donegal club Naomh Columba who stopped to help a man turn his turf in Galway at the weekend, Ballygawley outfit Errigal Ciaran attempted a similar gesture whilst driving through Eglish on the way back from a game in The Moy yesterday.

Unfortunately, the attempted act of kindness which involved digging up 300 kilos of potatoes the size of grapes and 600 pallets of unripe strawberries, has left Eglish farmer Phonsie Jordan thousands of pounds in the red.

Clubman Johnny Bradley admitted:

“We’ve cocked up, yes. We thought it would be great PR for the club after we saw the Donegal lads do the same with the turf. We’ve a lot of students on the team and they haven’t really seen fields with spuds or strawberries in them so they aren’t to blame. We just ripped everything up and waited for the farmer to get back, with smiles on our faces. When he lifted that gun we fairly moved. In fact, some lads ran more in that thirty seconds than in the game against The Moy, going by the GPS trackers still on them.”

Jordan, who has been producing high quality produce for 50 years, fumed:

“Shower of do-gooders. Some of them spuds were as small as peanuts. How did it not dawn on them? And green strawberries….holy Jaysus.”

The Ballygawley outfit have vowed to make up for the innocent error by offering their services as scarecrows over the summer for the Eglish entrepreneur, starting with the defenders in July.

Croke Park Foil Tyrone Minor Skulduggery. Canavan Won’t Tog Out.

How he may have looked

How he may have looked

A devious plan to introduce Peter Canavan as a second half substitute in the All-Ireland Minor Final was foiled this morning when the hairdresser in charge of managing hair implants on the aging ex-Errigal Ciaran forward spilled the beans during a random gossiping session during the haircut of an Irish Times journalist. Josh McCann, who has been a local hair expert since primary school, says he’s glad his conscience is now clean:

“I was approached by these three men wearing red and white balaclavas and they stuck me in the boot of the car, driving me to a ‘mysterious location’ they said. I had a fair idea they were bringing me to the Moy as there was a deadly stench of chickens and I could also see the ‘Welcome To Moy’ sign when I got out. They then said they’d pay me £100 if I made a bald man hairy again and to ‘make sure the hairstyle was fairly hip, like Tyrone hip’. I couldn’t turn down that enormous amount of money so I agreed eagerly.”

It wasn’t until the first hair replacement session that the shocking truth dawned on McCann:

“Well I set up shop anyways and didn’t I get a quare shock when Canavan hopped onto the chair. He didn’t speak and one of the men in the red and white balaclavas stood nearby, waving five £20 notes. I did the best I could and by the second session he looked like a 17-year old from Brocagh with the bobbed blonde highlights and all. He rolled back the years as he jinked his way out of the studio, locks flowing carelessly behind him. I nearly shed a tear. It was like watching Elvis one more time.”

Unfortunately, an Irish Times journalist caught wind of the scam after seeing an unidentified player at Tyrone’s media night put on a pair of slippers after training and then take a drag on a tobacco pipe when he got into his car. One visit to the only hairdresser in Ballygawley did the trick. McCann feels a weight lifted off his shoulders:

“To be honest I was panicking. What if the glue holding in the hair softened in the rain or the close-in camera caught his long nose hairs or bushy ears? There’s no way they’d believe it was Gary O’Neill from Brocagh. I would also like people to know I will not use the £100 for food and stuff but will instead stick it all on Mayo to win the game by 30 points.”

Tyrone play Mayo in the minor final this Sunday. Peter Canavan will be doing media work for various outlets wearing a monkey hat.

Dromore Man Has Cut On Leg – Fears For Sanity

Dromore butcher, Seamus Hassett, was said to be ‘inconsolable’ after a quick shower this morning unearthed a cut on his shin. The normally mild-mannered meat merchant was blubbering wildly as family and friends rallied around his house in a show of support.

“I hadn’t taken a shower since last Monday and didn’t think much more of it. As I was soaping away I saw a small cut on my leg, about the width of my small fingernail. I have no recollection of how it got there. You’d think you’d remember something like that.”

The leg. Cut not visible to naked eye.

Hassett gathered his family downstairs and, dressed in only a Transformers towel, questioned them on the cut to see if they could remember anything.

“All I saw were blank faces. Not a dicky. Then my youngest son got his iPhone out and typed in memory loss into the Internet. What he said next has haunted me for the rest of my life, well, since this morning. He mentioned things like Alzheimers, dementia, severe cognitive impairment, aging, depression and death. I just cannot believe it. There was one time, in 1988, when I went out into the shed and forgot why I had headed out there in the first place, for about twenty seconds. I then remembered it was to get a hatchet. I thought that was a one-off but obviously it was a very early warning sign.”

One comfort for Seamus has been the speed of well wishers to the house this morning. A distant cousin, Johnny McMenamin, was the first to arrive at the family home on the Tattysallagh Road.

“To be honest it’s a bit of excitement. Not since the town was burnt to the ground in 1798 has there been this much talk in Dromore. I’m devastated at the news. Jaysus. It could happen to anyone of us at any time and if the Internet says he’s more or less a goner then so be it. My condolences to his family and I can reassure Seamus that we’ll look after his wonderful and beautiful wife as well as the children.”

A collection will be made at the county final involving Dromore and Errigal Ciaran to raise money for whatever Seamus has and if he still has it.

 

 

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