Category Archives: Galbally
A survey carried out by the Galbally Ramblers Society in conjunction with KFC revealed that over 80% of Tyrone wives have considered maintaining mask wearing and social distancing within the household for the foreseeable future.
The 800 responses to the survey also threw up other startling facts which may have repercussions for years to come. Over 94% of wives revealed lockdown confirmed that their husbands are no more useful around the house when they’re there permanently than they are for the normal much shorter periods such as after work or at the weekends.
GRS chairperson Bernadette Conlon confirmed that she’s not surprised at the results:
I can only talk about my own situation. I’ve convinced my husband to wear the mask 24 hrs a day and it has been like a second honeymoon. I’m also very strict about the 2m rule, even in the middle of the night. It’s class. We’ve written to Robin Swann about these findings. If he has any interest in promoting a positive mindset, he’ll enforce these things in the house for another 2 years at least.
In other news, Stewartstown has moved up to No. 377 in the list of the World’s Most Desirable weekend destinations. The Stewartstown Pipe Band will parade for free tomorrow in celebration. Due to current enforcements, they’ll only play one song – Tin Town Races.
The Department of Education has urged older teachers to sharpen their aim for the return to teaching in September. Social distancing regulations means normal methods of sharing classroom work have to be shelved in favour of throwing the exercise books at each other.
Teachers will be brought back early in August to practise long-range throwing for pupils sitting in the back row. Any pupils caught purposely mis-throwing their books in order to hit other pupils or firing them intentionally hard at the teacher will be moved to the front for a two-month probationary period.
Education Minister Paddy Weird added:
We have also advised the cooks and catering staff to get used to flinging sausage rolls and pizza slices at pupils, either landing on a disposable plate or directly into their mouths. Foot such as mashed potato and gravy will be funnelled down pipes onto the plates from at least a 10m distance.”
Teaching unions have surprisingly supported the workbook-flinging initiative and have pushed for pens, staplers and sharpeners to be included in the hurling list.
Meanwhile, teachers of History have voiced concerns that local children may have a completely one-sided version of history now that they’ve been homeschooled by parents, especially those in Galbally and Carrickmore.
Our reporters spent most of yesterday wandering around the county asking people, from a safe distance, what their plans are for reintegration into normal life again and what is the first thing they’ll do.
“I’ve had a lot of time to watch old videos. So, as soon as I can, I’m going to raise funds to build a marble statue in the middle of the hamlet of Plunkett Donaghy in the pose when he kicked that ball in the 1986 Ulster Final.” C MACKLE, MOY
“Flat out Massey diffing the whole way to Cappagh” P McCANN, GALBALLY
“This has given me time to reflect, and, in an act of solidarity with our neighbours, I’m going to buy an Urney jersey. I suppose they’re not that bad.” A HARKIN, STRABANE
“Straight to the pub. The bars being closed has turned me into an alcoholic.” K LUNDY, COALISLAND
“The barber. Doing your own colouring is unreliable. I look like an Armagh flag.” O MULLIGAN, COOKSTOWN
“I just want to lay a blanket on the ground, at Drum Manor” P BEGLEY, POMEROY
“I’m going to do a free concert in Donaghmore for all the new hairy Tyrone women out there” M CUSH, DONAGHMORE
“I’m considering swearing an allegiance to Armagh” L FAY, DUNGANNON
“I’m the same as the Mulligan boy above. I feel like I’ve lost my superpower. The barber for me.” J LYNCH, CASTLEDERG
“It has changed me too. I’m going to learn the Lambeg.” M O’NEILL, CLONOE
“I’m going to hunt down anyone who likes Mrs Brown’s Boys” O CORR, COALISLAND
“I’d an idea for a great comedy show called Donaghmore Girls about their lack of razors over the lockdown but looks like Malachi Cush will be in there first with his free concert and all.” M GRIMES, DONAGHMORE
“Starting up a GAA team in Newmills.” R MCSHERRY, COALISLAND
“Starting up an Arsenal Supporters’ Club in Leckpatrick.” G EARLY, LECKPATRICK
“Erect a big outside heater in Garvaghey for goalkeepers. Not standing around there all night doing nothing any more.” N MORGAN, EDENDORK
In a controversial move, the Tyrone Council are to start charging farmers for rain tax from January 1st 2020, irrespective of what they are farming.
Due to budgetary concerns, the county’s officials have attempted to stem the financial tide by charging farmers for any form of precipitation including drizzle and soft hail.
Any farmers resisting payment of the rain tax will be subjected to the full force of the law according to the council’s meteorological minister Pat Spaniel:
Why should these farmers be allowed to sit back and rub their hands when it rains? All they’re thinking about is the size of their tomatoes or strawberries whilst the rest of us run for cover or get our death from the wet. And this is a warning – we’re looking at a sun tax for the hay farmers.”
How the tax will be charged has yet to be confirmed though it is believed that farmers will be charged £50 for every half hour that it rains.
Meanwhile, the Christmas Lights will be turned on in Galbally this weekend. Guest of honour will be one of the Kardashians who are well known for their love of the Galballian culture and people. Kanye West has confirmed he’ll do the bingo in the hall on the same night and will sing if asked.
After a long and arduous investigative mission, we can exclusively confirm that Phil Collins has been secretly integrating himself into the Galbally community since 2003 and is frequently heard humming rebel songs to himself on the way home from the shop.
Collins, who hit fame with the band Genesis and once controversially taught a gorilla to play the drums, moved to the mid-Tyrone settlement after attending the All Ireland Final in 2003 and falling in love with the locals and their untamed ways.
Our reporter told us:
“He feels safe in Galbally. Even though most of them know who he is, they don’t really care and the majority even think he’s shite. He never gets asked to sing at wakes and stuff. I think he likes the anonymity.”
Known locally as ‘Brit Phil’, Collins finished third at the Galbally over-60s solo singing feis last month, singing a mournful version of the Broad Black Brimmer. He was defeated by an 81-year old self-taught yodeller and Hughie Begley, a third cousin of Philomena’s.
Collins is also a regular attendee at Galbally GAA games and can be regularly heard threatening the ref that he’ll not make it out of the ground alive.
Dungannon Counsellor Accused Of Making Sheep Noises At Galbally School Children During Award Ceremony
A Dungannon-born independent counsellor admitted he overstepped the mark after making sheep noises at five Galbally children who were being recognised for winning the Tyrone U12 Quiz title, defeating his beloved Dungannon in the final.
Frankie McGorian, who was barred from the council for a month in 2008 for calling the successful Derrylaughan Minor team ‘a crowd of cow-washers’ during the post-match presentation, made the sheep noises as each of the winning quiz side marched up to the stage in the Ranfurly House with parents and teachers in attendance.
One parent, Kelly Tally, described the scene:
“It was quite embarrassing. McGorian was obviously hurting from the fact that his son was in the Dungannon quiz side that lost to our children. He was standing up throughout the whole award ceremony giving us dirty looks. Then the sheep noises started when Galbally were called up. He even did cow ones too. He’s a disgrace.”
Dungannon District Council revealed that McGorian is indefinitely barred from meetings and is currently undergoing anti-culchie therapy in the town.
Meanwhile, the bus shelter outside The Money Shop in Dungannon is to receive listed status in 2019. A ceremony to mark the occasion will included a specially penned song by Malachi Cush about courting women in the shelter after a few pints in the Fort.
Plans to grant Ballygawley’s famous Hill ‘listed’ status have been unveiled by Mid-Ulster Council. Just like the town’s eponymous roundabout (world famous to generations of Belfast ones evacuating on The Twelfth) Ballygawley Hill is synonymous with local memories and folklore.
According to respected local hill-watcher Dennis Dunlop,
“The Hill was formed in 400 AD when The Romans were building a slide, but they stopped to take pints so it never got finished.”
When strange and unknown people come to town, the Hill immediately becomes pivotal to their experience. Without even asking for directions we were warmly told, “The Protestant chapel is up the Hill, turn left and straight on down ‘til you come to it.”
The Hill also forms part of the sexy ‘Swingers Corner’, where plenty a buck drives up to Gormley’s Bar, swings her round and heads straight back down again.
Soapbox racing, diffing and cruising often take place on the road of the Hill itself. However, the cherished surface can become quite greasy in the rain. This means, like manys a good Ballygawley woman, conditions are always slippery.
It’s perhaps most infamous for the 2006 ‘Battle of Ballygawley’, when a load of Galbally lads fell out of a bus, rolled down the Hill and bate into Centra. Ejected from the school formal, all they wanted was crisps, toilet roll and “a feckin after-party”.
Despite being full of old people, no one in Ballygawley can ever claim to be over the hill – with many local people admitting they haven’t actually been beyond the top of it. Rumour has it that it leads to some strange and backward dystopia called Carrickmore, but according to Dennis, “that place sounds pretty shite so no one bothers goin’ ”.
The PSNI in Tyrone have begun Operation Tight Trunks this afternoon after three days of complaints from women regarding the re-emergence of 1980s GAA shorts in the county due to the recent good spell of weather.
Already there was been several arrests after clothing offences in Carrickmore, Trillick, Brocagh and Galbally. Reports of sporadic fighting in Omagh, Cappagh and Gortin have also been confirmed, mostly between 80s short wearing men and more fashionable younger males.
Pomeroy fashion guru Mary Grimes admitted she fully supports the PSNI initiative:
“Enough’s enough. Whilst Plunkett Donaghy and Prince Kevin McCabe looked the part jumping like salmon into the Clones air in the 80s, it’s just wrong today. Half them shorts are ripped and torn in the wrong places. The last thing I need to see whilst nipping out for a bag of plums is the other variation of the same fruit swinging in all directions no matter where you look. Men of Tyrone, get with the times.”
Grimes was also scathing of the inability of local men to realise they had probably put on weight around the waist since their 80s heyday, even though they were rightly tight back then.
“The Carrickmore ones are the worst. They’re like hot pants on 50 year old men.”
Gok Wan, the fashion consultant, has turned down the chance to hold a ‘Wearing Modern Shorts’ seminar in Edendork Hall next week, citing the fact that he was ‘chased out of it’ after trying a similar attempt in Kildress last year.
Whist Drives across the county are said to be taking too long ever since the beleaguered Donald Trump became President of the United States of America.
Whist, a classic English trick-taking card game which was widely played in Irish clubs and societies until recently, involves the use of the term ‘trump’ which is the suit chosen by the last-dealt card that will beat all other suits regardless of rank. When two cards are played from the trump suit, the higher card wins the trick.
88-year old whist fanatic Geraldine McGuire from Beragh explained:
“Any time the word trump is mentioned now, you have to listen to grunt and tuts and then people start calling him a bollocks and that America is couped and stuff like that. The thing is, we can’t remember taking about it the last time so it just starts all over again when ‘trump’ comes up in the game. Maybe about 40 times a match. We didn’t get the game finished last night and it was 4am.”
A petition is now underway by a group of whist players in Galbally to get the word trump removed from the game and replaced with ‘deadly’, so that the deadly suit beats all other suits.
“We’re not trying to change the world here. Our generation prefer the word ‘trump’ to describe passing wind from your behind and we’re happy to still call it that, so we are.”
Rumours of fights at the Greater Coalisland Weekly Whist Drive have also been attributed to pro and anti Trump supporters from the surrounding area, with Stewartstown being a particular safe-haven for Trump fans.
Mickey Harte has been forced to shelve plans he’d already made to take on crisis-hit Derry on the 28th May next year after it emerged that the Oak Leaf County Board are considering asking the ladies team to represent the county due to a rash of defections from the men’s squad.
The seriousness of Derry’s approach upped a notch today after it emerged that top Derry GAA officials were scouring places with traditionally hardened women such as Knockloughrim, Lavey, Swatragh and Dungiven to mould a side physical enough to take on Harte’s men.
A Tyrone insider explained their predicament:
“We knew Derry were in bother with numbers but we never predicted this approach. We all know the qualities of rural Derry women so this has now moved from an average threat to a serious one. Harte is currently searching places like Carrickmore, Derrytresk, Tattyreagh, Galbally and the Rock for women who match Derry ones for physicality and brutality. This changes everything. We’re worried.”
The mass defections from the Derry senior squad have decimated a county already smarting from a series of defeats to their near neighbours in 2016. In one extreme case, an established Derry midfielder has opted out in 2017 by claiming he has forgotten how to play gaelic football due to early signs of dementia, despite scoring 2-14 in a charity match last week.
Our Tyrone source explained:
“We can handle Derry men. Derry women are a completely different matter. At spontaneous brawls in Clubland or the Glenavon, it was always the Derry women still standing when the dust settled. We have to admit it, we’re spooked.”
Peter Donnelly has reportedly drafted Owen Mulligan onto the backroom team as it is generally accepted he’s the best in the county at tackling women.
A new list of collective nouns has sparked outrage across the county after the contents of a new dictionary was leaked to media outlets by a photocopy manager in Dungannon.
The new wording helps to define sections of the community according to compilers Webster & McGlinchey but some of the terminology appears to have offended more sensitive areas of the county.
As a county, a group of Tyrone people are collectively to be known as ‘a shower of’ as in ‘I was at the match yesterday and there was a large shower of Tyrone people at it’. Other collective nouns included:
‘A herd of Carrickmore people, an abomination of Eglish ones, a gaggle of Gortin folk, an ambush of Cappagh lads, an annoyance of Aghalooians, a buffoonery of Brocagh women, a clatter of Clogher people, a dose of Donaghmore ones, a dungheap of Dregish folk, an embarrassment of Augher boys, a groan of Galbally girls, a lump of Loughmacrory people, a maul of Moortowns, a mess of Strabane folk, a plague of Coalisland lads, a prick of Derrytresk ones, a rabble of Ardboe players, and a shitload of Cookstown people’.
Retired teacher of English Dr Eamon O’Fee remarked:
“I find this very insulting. Who gives Webster & McGlinchey the right to name us like this? I’m from Dungannon and apparently we’re a ‘stench of Dungannon people’. It’s just not on. The only thing which was perhaps acceptable was the ‘tyranny’ of Edendork people or the ‘runt’ of Omagh ones but quite frankly the rest are offensive.”
Webster & McGlinchey are currently working on a Derry dictionary and have currently simply named the county collective as a ‘a lechery of Derry people’.
Bernard McIlroy, the 66-year old DUP councillor from Galbally, has warned his voters to stay indoors when Storm Eric arrives next month, as God has told him that this weather phenomenon might be gay.
McIlroy, who famously campaigned against YMCA being played in Clubland in the 80s in case it made young men amorous towards their friends, maintains the storm might even be illegal due to Northern Ireland’s progressive laws.
The retired preacher added:
“It was only a matter of time. We’ve had gay cakes and TV presenters. I’ve even watched Brokeback Mountain a few times and I’m pretty sure there is a homosexual undercurrent in that. Now Mother Nature is weighing in with the latest trend. I’m urging all DUP voters to stay indoors during the storm.”
Galbally shopkeeper Paul Norman countered McIlroy’s claim by reminding the elements that his village is not a discriminatory community and is even looking forward to Storm Felix Hi, which scientists maintain is a Derry-born storm.
“Pastor McIlroy is acting the bollocks with his guff. I’ve never seen anywhere in the Bible about rejecting any violent disturbance in the atmosphere because of its sexuality. Sure didn’t it say: ‘The LORD hurled a great wind on the sea and there was a great storm on the sea so that the ship was about to break up‘. If the Lord says storms are great, then it’s good enough for me, and I’m not even religious.”
Meanwhile, the Galbally Whist Drive has been cancelled this week.
Following the news that a motion supporting the name change of Londonderry to Derry was passed at a meeting of Derry City and Strabane District Council, a south Derry cartographer has confirmed the existence of a townland in Kildress called London which had been played down by locals since 1677.
This startling revelation has resulted a petition signed by 16’000 Derry people asking for a public apology for the verbal abuse received from Tyrone men and women at football matches and nightclubs about there being ‘no London in Tyrone’, especially in the 90s.
Ballinderry headmaster Aidan McGuckian confirmed there’ll be no rest until someone like Barry McElduff makes a public apology:
“So it turns out that not only was there no Sam in Tyrone from 93-03, but there was also a London in it. This changes everything. Thinking back, when the chant of ‘Oh there’s no London in Tyrone’ was reverberating around Clones back in the 90s, the Kildress ones never took part in the insult and stood huddled together, sweaty and red-faced. I just thought that’s the way they were. Bastards.”
Moves are already underway to plan how the apology will be presented to the people of Derry. An extraordinary meeting was called in Kildress involving high profile Tyrone figures from Dennis Taylor to Hugo Duncan. Duncan has promised to pen an apologetic song which he’ll play on the radio, entitled ‘Kiss my Derry Air’. A statue of Dana will also be commissioned to be erected at the middle of the road in Galbally.
Sinn Fein’s Barry McElduff has promised to wear a Derry jersey for a week at Stormont and use ‘sur’ at the end of every sentence.
Slap Bladder, Fifa president, has come under fresh scrutiny after a gang of Pomeroy supporters blamed the Swiss man for inteferring in the Pomeroy/Derrytresk Intermediate championship game which saw the East Tyrone side emerge with a 4-point victory.
The Pomeroy Plunketts, who were deemed ‘unbackable’ by many bookmakers in the county, were left shellshocked after two second half goals saw The Hill progress to the quarter finals where they meet the winners of Edendork and Moortown whilst Pomeroy players safely book holidays in Ibiza and Downings.
Long time Pomeroy supporter James Kavanagh was left in no doubt as to why the result stood:
“Bladder’s hands are all over this. Why did the wind die down in the second half? Why was our player sent off for nothing? Why was the match played in Galbally? Why are there cows on the Derrytresk jerseys? These are important questions but you can be sure Bladder will pretend he knows nothing about it. A crook.”
External match-fixing investgator Kirk Forlan from Berlin admitted there may be some link between Derrytresk and the Fifa head-man.
“People have always been suspicious of why Derrytresk had the best roads in Ireland – so smooth you could iron your clothes on them. There’s money in that townland and it didn’t appear out of nowhere.”
Derrytresk PR spokesman John-Hugh McWallace denied any wrong-doings:
“People need to wise up. Yes, there is money in Derrytresk but that’s simply because we’re fairly tight. And yes, our roads are good but that is down to the beautiful aridity of this part of the world, often likened to the dry plains in southern Portugal. And finally yes, Bladder has stayed here a few times but blame the Fitzgeralds for that. He’s a third cousin, four times removed. But to say Slap had anything to do with this result is ridiculous. He wouldn’t even know where Galbally is.”
The anti-corruption agency NGO Transparency International warned Derrytresk that they’ll be sending an envoy of 32 delegates to watch the quarter-final.
For the 19th consecutive year, many film aficionados across the county have resorted to violence after Donaghmore man Conor Grimes and his Coleraine comic compatriot Alan McKee were overlooked at the 87th Academy Awards ceremony in LA on Sunday night.
The Donaghmore Road was said to be ‘ablaze alright‘ after fans of the famous pair went on the rampage in Newmills, Pomeroy and in Grimes’ homeplace of Donaghmore, burning hedges and overturning apple-carts. In Coleraine, angry graffiti was daubed on a wall near the Diamond shopping centre including ‘you can stick your gongs up yer holes‘ and ‘for feck sake, lads‘
A friend of the pair informed us that this may be the last straw:
“We’re rightly hacked off, so we are. That’s 19 years running these lads have been overlooked. I wouldn’t be surprised if the two packed it in and went back to the undertaking. Grimes even changed his name from Connor to Conor in order to appease the American audience. It’s fixed so it is. Tom Hanks and Julia Roberts haven’t a patch on these two.”
McKee reportedly purchased a blue tuxedo in The Moy at the weekend, ‘in case they FaceTime us as a surprise‘ he was heard telling shoppers. Grimes had reportedly been on a no-fry diet since last month and was said to be practising smiling and crying.
The pair, who are currently touring the country with their play ‘‘St Mungo’s Luganulk‘, were unavailable for comment although locals commented that Grimes appeared bleary eyed coming out of an off-licence in Dungannon at 2pm, having stayed up all night to watch the awards show with his loyal dog Malachi.
The news adds to a barren run at the Oscars for the Tyrone movie scene. The last trophy to reside in the county was in 1959 by Galbally director John ‘The Red’ Talbot whose 15-minute subtitled Short Film ‘The Dufflecoat Man’, which depicted a day in the life of a door-to-door pitch fork and rake seller in the area, won a whopping 13 awards.
By Mary Ann Jackson
There has been mixed reaction to the news that a new Boxing Club in Galbally is to open its fine facilities very shortly in a state of the art gym built by local volunteers.
Many “auld hands” in the area had expressed their opinion that the younger generation were “goin saft” before recalling with pride the many times they had engaged in the noble pugilist art bare-chested in the snow and the rain in the car parks of The Gap, Knocknamoe Hotel, along with the neighbouring Cookstown venues of the Glenavon and the Greenvale not to mention the bouts in the middle of the busy A5 at Garvaghey or the on the main Dublin Derry road at Main Street Emyvale.
Now after a number of very successful boxing nights in the local Community Centre, locals appear to have developed a “Grá” for the better conditions boxing under a roof and a surprising new attachment to rules and regulations.
One lady, who recently moved to Galbally under the impression it was a modern settlement full of metrosexual New Men, expressed surprise to learn that a Boxing Club was opening shortly, commenting:
“I thought the local lads were more into synchronised swimming and singing along to girly videos, going on what I’d been told.”
She later required medical intervention when it was explained to her that a few local lassies are also up for the fight.
Some Galbally men are not impressed that the local lads are to fight under the Queensbury rules, believing Stormont’s fingerprints are all over this. Founder Arthur Nugent confirmed that this was not the case.
Heaney, who was voted ‘Rear of the Year’ for seven consecutive years at the Kildress Sports, signed up to Twitter by teasing his female following with a profile picture of him as a cheeky young lad playing for Carrickmore as well as an unidentified road scene.
34 year old Galbally woman Leona Kilpatrick reckons it’s a subliminal message:
“Paddy Heaney, to us women, is WB Yeats and Liam Neeson rolled into one. He has that dashing swagger coupled with words to melt a woman’s heart. That picture of the road – I think it means you can find the road to my heart if you look hard enough. He’s a bit like Willy Wonka doing this. I’ll be looking long and hard, mark my words.”
As of now, the Irish News’ Heaney has 400 followers, 388 of which are women aged 25-45. This has sparked a backlash from men across the province who have taken to switching off the wifi and confiscating the password.
Relationships guru Donglan Bogue explained this away as ‘pure jealousy’:
“It’s an open secret that GAA chairmen and their male members of club committees have been nervous about getting Heaney to speak at charity debates or opening pitches. Paddy has the same effect on women as Elvis would have had back in the 50s. Some say he’s the 5th Beatle. Others would have other words for him.”
Twitter have yet to confirm whether or not Heaney will receive a blue tick beside his name. If he does he joins Nadine Coyle as Derry blue tickers as Eoghan Quigg has yet to be recognised.
Following the furore of Gregory Campbell’s mockery of the Irish language during a Northern Ireland Assembly meeting yesterday, a Killyman entrepreneur has been accused as ‘being as bad as the DUP man’ after setting up shop on the side of the road outside the village, selling a curry yoghurt and a tin of ‘Coca Coalyer’ for a pound this morning.
Teddy Og McKenna, who has a history of cashing in on controversial events, maintains he made £300 in one hour with his novelty meal deal:
“I did get a bit of abuse from family and friends but a serious crowd from Moygashel and Newmills arrived when word got out. Them boys are the salt of the earth, and them from the other side of the house to me too. Deadly friendly.”
Teddy Og’s father Teddy Snr lambasted his son, calling him an ‘oul bollocks’ and a crook:
“This is not the first time our Teddy has stooped to this level. When Sammy Wilson was photographed running through fields in the nude a few years ago, he sold a range of invisible clothes at the same spot in the road called ‘Emperor Sammy’s New Clothes’. He sold 36 units to a pile of lads from Carrickmore and Galbally. 36 units of nothing on a hanger at £22 a shot.”
Meanwhile, the Irish News food critic sampled the curry yoghurt and labelled it ‘one of the best culinary experiences of my life’ and that the meal was ‘like a ballet of heavenly angels dancing on my palate’. It was later revealed she was still half-drunk from a charity Night At The Races in The Moy the previous night.
A brand new sport was introduced in Galbally last night at the Community Centre, as locals participated in ‘Chess Boxing’, a hybrid sport that combined chess with boxing in alternating rounds.
“We’ve tried some of these hybrid sports before, with mixed success”, said Fergal Tiernan, who organised and refereed the event. “We tried Cage-Fighting Gymnastics last year which was quite good, although Archery Wrestling didn’t end very well. And the less said about Karate Skydiving the better. We got the timing of the rounds wrong. Jays, that was a messy one to red up. Still, you’ve got to try these things”.
The Chess Boxing competition involved eight competitors, although Tiernan immediately encountered challenges.
“Aye, only one of them could play chess. We forgot this was Galbally. The rest were just there for the fighting really, and the free Tayto afterwards”.
Tempers boiled over when one of the competitors, 52-year old Oisin McShea, refused to learn the rules of chess, saying that he would involve himself in no loyalist scheme involving a Queen, King, or any other member of royalty, regardless of whether or not they were made of moulded plastic.
In fact, the only competitor able to play chess was Peader Carson from Kilnaslee Road, one of the first to apply for the competition, although it transpired that he hadn’t fully grasped the rules of the competition when applying. “Poor Peader”, explained Tiernan. “His eyesight’s not so good so he didn’t really understand about the boxing bit of it until he got into the ring. It might not’ve been so bad, but he’s 84 next birthday. Still, he paid his £3 entry so he was entitled to a go same as the rest of them. Jays, you should have seen him going down. Like a sack of spuds mangled up in a zimmer frame”.
“That’s true”, said the octogenarian Carson from his hospital bedside. “I went into the ring with a tactical plan of how I was going to open up my chess game with maybe a classic Budapest Gambit or a Sicilian Defence, and then I got punched in the face really really hard. Jays, my dentures flew halfway across the ring, and then it was goodnight Vienna. Don’t remember much after that, but it’s surprising how good Baxter’s pea and ham soup tastes through a straw. Still, it’s a lesson learned. If they repeat the competition next year, I’ll come back older wiser and stronger. Well, certainly older. Sorry, would you mind helping me onto the commode?”
The event was won by Father Polland of St Luke’s Chapel in Cappagh who won all of his chess matches after insisting he was, ‘on very good terms with both of his bishops, and had ecumenical dispensation to take any piece he wanted”.
- The controversial plans to bring time forward in the Republic of Ireland have reportedly left Stewartstown residents furious. Retired teacher Johnny Fee, wearing an A-Team jumper, remarked “We’re still trying to catch up with 2014 and now this happens. How will we ever get out of 1983 at this rate?”
- Augher woman Hillary Frank plans to make good the changes to the Republic’s new time by watching the RTE Lotto in Tyrone and then scooting across the border, losing an hour in the process and arriving before the draw has happened in the south, to bet on the magic six numbers.
- Clonoe have decided to put an end to the general downcast mood on show in the area since the senior team bowed out of the Championship by bringing Christmas forward to December 3rd to give people something to look forward to. PP Fr Fay has also promised to make masses shorter and have good looking Eucharistic Ministers in order to raise spirits.
- Omagh teacher Carlito McCabe has been awarded a £3000 grant to go towards his research into why so many Tyrone men are bald by the age of 25. His lab at Queen’s University has already operated on 18 bald Tyrone men with results inconclusive so far though some early signs hinting at midges, eels and brown sauce as possible causes.
- Derrytresk GFC, who cannot represent Tyrone if they win the Junior title this year, are considering finding a way around the ban by changing their name. Early suggestions include Hanna Hill, Fitzgerald Fighting Cocks and Little Italy.
- Galbally have registered their anger at tripadvisor.co.uk after someone was allowed to write ‘Crap. Don’t go near this place. A hellhole’ on the Galbally page, their first ever comment. To add salt to the wound, the comment was made by someone with the username ‘kildresswolfetonesabu’.
- Sion Mills entrepreneur Sammy Gibson has shelved his plans to create ‘Google Underpants’ where you control the computer screen by moving your pants about. Early tests indicated it just looked wrong in places such as libraries and schools.