Blog Archives
Tyrone Man Auditioning For New James Bond Role Told To Stop Saying ‘Deadly’ And ‘Lethal’ At Wrong Times
A Tattyreagh man who has survived three rounds of auditioning for the new Bond role has been given a last warning over his unusual use of adjectives, according to sources close to the studio.
Cillian Murphy, Tom Hardy, Idris Elba and Henry ‘the red boy’ McCann are currently vying for the prestigious role having been whittled down from 4000 applicants.
McCann, who impressed the direction team with his steely silence, slightly turned-in eyes and ability to diff heavy machinery with one hand on the steering wheel whilst eating an apple, has repeatedly confounded script writers by calling the famous singer and innocent love interest in the film, Beyonce, as ‘a deadly girl’, especially after kissing scenes.
Despite being told she has no role in any violence and is simply there as a romantic liaison, McCann continued to call her ‘lethal’ every time she tried on a new outfit even though it wasn’t one of his lines.
Co-director Roger Morgan explained:
“In the new film, Beyonce is in no way a deadly or lethal persona. She’s sweet and nice but McCann won’t accept that and keeps trying to rewrite her role as some kind of cold killer. Although, we do like his ‘now we’re suckin diesel’ after a big action scene and might adapt that as his new saying.”
McCann and Tom Hardy were also warned about continually arguing over who was best between Bucks Fizz and Johnny Logan.
INTERVIEW WITH….Jennifer Aniston
TELL US ABOUT YOUR INTEREST IN GAA
Well I fell in love with the sport when I happened upon a Periscope video of Tattyreagh playing Loughmacrory. Ever since then I’ve been a Tatts fanatic and have ordered 12 Tattyreagh football tops over the last three years on eBay (chuckles). It’s ironic because Brad Pitt is a massive Loughmacrory fan.
HOW DO YOU THINK THEY’LL GO THE YEAR?
I wouldn’t have high hopes. I thought they’d take Moortown but them East Tyrone lads are hardy fellas. They remind me a bit of Joey in Friends who had a steely determination about him when it came to learning lines and stuff. They should beat Augher though.
HAVE YOU BEEN TO TYRONE OFTEN?
Yes I try to get over as much as possible, maybe three times a month. Last week I flew over to Belfast and stayed for two nights in Plumbridge just wandering the fields and loanans. I like The Plum. It reminds me a bit of LA with the way people completely ignore you on the roads. I was driving down the Glenelly Road recently and a fella in a Davy Brown moreorless drove straight over me. I like that about Plumbridge.
ARE YOU WORKING ON ANY PROJECTS AT THE MINUTE?
Oh wouldn’t you love to know! (chuckles). Yes, I’ve three films on the go and I’m also learning how to make soda bread on the griddle. I saw it in action in a house near Gortin and thought I’d give it a go. So far I’ve had no success but it doesn’t work as well over an electric hob. You really need a fire going but that’s illegal here in Malibu.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE LOGAN AND DOOHER FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR AHEAD?
To be honest, I’m more of a baseball girl but I’ll say one thing. Tyrone need to bring back thuggery and shithousery. It’s why I fell in love with the Tatts (crying).
Tattyreagh Dog Mistakenly Reverses And Does Donuts In Owner’s Car For Three Hours
A Labrador from Tattyreagh was rescued from his owner’s car this evening after mistakenly shifting the automatic car’s gear into reverse, going around in circles for three hours in an estate on the Blackfort Road, at a decent speed.
9 year old Larry was described as ‘dazed, hungry, constipated and a bit bewildered’ after the car was eventually stopped by a neighbour who initially thought it was just some young lads who liked doing donuts for long periods.
Patsy McGoldrick added:
“After about two hours of the car doing donuts I thought it was a bit excessive as I couldn’t hear Final Score on the TV. On three hours I headed out and was met with poor Larry with his head out the window and his tongue hanging out and the car going around in circles.”
It emerged that Larry accidentally knocked the car into reverse after it was left running by its elderly neighbour who went to the toilet for four hours himself.
Larry was given a slap-up meal of sausages and potatoes and went to the toilet straight after.
PSNI have warned automatic vehicle owners of the dangers of having a dog in a car when the car is left running. Last year Cathal, a Collie from Dregish, drove an automatic Datsun Sunny from Killyclogher to Strabane after its owner headed into the bar for a pint of Lilt.
Housewives Despondent After Brolly Axe
50 Shades of Brolly
Thousands of women across the country will now watch Strictly Come Dancing instead of the All Ireland Final replay between Dublin and Kerry after the housewife’s favourite Joe Brolly was replaced on the RTE panel for the game.
Brolly, who was recently voted in an online poll as the man most women aged 40-65 would like to hoke about with after a dance, was told his services were not needed this week on RTE after he refused to allow Pat Spillane to touch his knee live on the TV last week.
A gaggle of women in Tattyreagh gathered at RTE studios this week to complain about the decision, with one telling us:
This is awful. Not since Johnny Logan in the early 80s have we lusted over a man on the RTE like we do Joe with his wee curly head and twitchy nose. I’m 67 but I’d still let Brolly put me through my paces. And I wouldn’t care his he slaughtered my performance after. I’d even wish for it. Swoon.”
RTE are set to lose thousands of viewing figures as disaffected housewives turn to Sky TV to see if they can get a glimpse of Jimmy McGuinness or even Canavan if he wears the tight fitted jeans again.
County’s Only Remaining Pair Of Christmas Socks Reportly Still Intact Near Omagh
Despite rumours to the contrary, a pair of socks given as a Christmas present to a father of four just outside Omagh are still in operation despite approaching the end of January.
Retailers in the county confirmed that over 6900 pairs of socks were bought in the county in the run up to the festive period. It was thought that only 3450 single socks remained after the 25th of January until a man was spotted, and eventually approached, in the Spar in Tattyreagh wearing a matching pair of Game of Thrones socks.
John McCabe, who was out buying wheaten bread and a packet of Fruit Pastilles, admitted:
“It’s a pure fluke. I thought one of them was an A-Team one I’ve had since 1986 but it does now appear that I have two of the same kind. Who’d have thought that? I’m urging other men not to give up hope.”
Meanwhile, a survey has revealed that the long month after Christmas has left many families eating things at the back of their cupboards despite warning from health officials. A mother in Cookstown this morning admitted to friends in the hairdressers that she fed the whole family pickled cockles from a small jar for dinner all week.
Yellow Snow Warning Issued For Outside Sally’s Of Omagh Sometime Soon
The Met Office has issued a yellow snow warning for outside Sally’s entertainment complex in Omagh at some stage in December probably.
The Met Office’s Chief Forecaster said there was a chance of yellow snow on higher ground in the town:
“Some showers, falling as sleet or snow on some higher ground, will occur at times through December and over the early part of 2018. The extent of the yellowness will depend in the time of the day outside Sally’s, with after midnight having a high percentage chance of being that shade of yellow. Inebriated country folk will most likely be affected due to their inability to avoid eating snow.”
In 2012, over 300 people from Gortin and Tattyreagh developed stomach problems after eating snow in the vicinity of Sally’s during the early hours of a Sunday morning. Tests later proved that all the snow at that time was most likely to have been yellow.
A PSNI official has urged rural people to stop eating snow.
Man Wrecks House Before Finding Car Keys
A Tattyreagh man has since admitted he probably reacted inappropriately in completely wrecking his house at 7am after he couldn’t find his keys before work.
Jack McCabe (47) later found his keys in the fruit bowl in the kitchen, despite claiming he looked into it several times, whilst blaming his wife and children for probably moving them.
Jack, who arrived into work THREE minutes before start time, revealed the terror of the search in the minutes between finishing his breakfast and the discovery of the keys:
“It was bedlam. I overturned every cushion, sofa and bed and checked the same places about 20 times each in the hope that they’d magically appear since the last time I checked. I gave the wife terrible abuse as well as blaming several of the children.”
Jack’s wife, Paula, calmly found the keys within seconds of looking, sitting in the middle of the kitchen table in the fruit bowl where they normally rest 90% of the time.
“I definitely checked that about 50 times. I don’t know how that happened and suspect some sort of foul play. Unfortunately, the same thing happened the morning before.”
Paula has since bought a key holder box which she nailed to the wall in the kitchen. Jack has so far refused to use it.
Tyrone On Red Alert As Derry Debate Using Ladies Team In Men’s Championship Next Year
CRISIS COUNTY, DERRY
Mickey Harte has been forced to shelve plans he’d already made to take on crisis-hit Derry on the 28th May next year after it emerged that the Oak Leaf County Board are considering asking the ladies team to represent the county due to a rash of defections from the men’s squad.
The seriousness of Derry’s approach upped a notch today after it emerged that top Derry GAA officials were scouring places with traditionally hardened women such as Knockloughrim, Lavey, Swatragh and Dungiven to mould a side physical enough to take on Harte’s men.
A Tyrone insider explained their predicament:
“We knew Derry were in bother with numbers but we never predicted this approach. We all know the qualities of rural Derry women so this has now moved from an average threat to a serious one. Harte is currently searching places like Carrickmore, Derrytresk, Tattyreagh, Galbally and the Rock for women who match Derry ones for physicality and brutality. This changes everything. We’re worried.”
The mass defections from the Derry senior squad have decimated a county already smarting from a series of defeats to their near neighbours in 2016. In one extreme case, an established Derry midfielder has opted out in 2017 by claiming he has forgotten how to play gaelic football due to early signs of dementia, despite scoring 2-14 in a charity match last week.
Our Tyrone source explained:
“We can handle Derry men. Derry women are a completely different matter. At spontaneous brawls in Clubland or the Glenavon, it was always the Derry women still standing when the dust settled. We have to admit it, we’re spooked.”
Peter Donnelly has reportedly drafted Owen Mulligan onto the backroom team as it is generally accepted he’s the best in the county at tackling women.
Cattle Jealousy On The Rise In Tyrone
Local politicians and religious leaders have called for cool heads after a spike in cattle jealously has resulted in sporadic fights across the county in recent weeks.
Cows and bulls have become the new currency for young people to show off to their peers, replacing low-suspension twin cams or DM boots as a badge of potential popularity.
One such fight broke out in a field outside Pomeroy last week after a group of young men from Galbally repeatedly shouted “shit cows” at teenager walking around his land with four Charolais cows and a Saler bull. A brawl soon ensued with members of the young farmer’s family involved.
Independent councillor James Conlon admitted the levels of cattle envy is reaching epidemic proportions:
“You can’t walk the streets of Cookstown these days without tramping on cow-clap. Young men and women are using cattle as a fashion accessory. I’ve seen Friesians with pink cardigans or on skateboards. It’s out of control. Things spill over and the fights are unavoidable.”
Another major incident occurred outside Tattyreagh when two local women had to be separated after their respective cows were spotted sporting the same leg warmers as they made their way to Mass at the weekend. The accessories, bought in a cattle fashion shop recently opened in Omagh, were sold as a one-off limited edition to both buyers.
Eyewitness Gareth McCabe explained:
“It was probably one of the worst fights I’ve witnessed. Even the cattle were spooked and started going mad and leaping into the traffic and old women were screaming and yahooing. To be fair the Omagh shop shouldn’t have pulled a fast one like that. Limited edition means only one made. We all know that.”
PSNI officials have urged cattle-owners that cow rage will receive stiff penalties from September the 1st.
Omagh Man Awarded Extra Bus Seat After Big Balls Diagnosis
An Omagh window-cleaner today received a certificate to say he is allowed to take two seats on a plane, train or auto-mobile after he was diagnosed with Big Ball Syndrome, otherwise known as Testicle Magnificence in the medical profession.
Damien McNeill (44) revealed last week how he was often on the receiving end of dirty looks and disparaging tuts as fellow commuters fumed at his insistence on a wide-angled sitting approach, often taking up two and sometimes three seats. All that changed today when an Omagh Surgery identified McNeill as a sufferer of Testicle Magnificence, awarding him a certificate which can be shown to all public service operators:
“I was a social pariah. For years I tried to sit on just the one seat but would find myself passing out on the journey from Omagh and Tattyreagh and waking up somewhere miles away like Seskinore. Recently I tried to ignore the threats and slaps as I took up two seats, especially from pregnant women or the elderly. Now I can hold up my Big Ball Syndrome certificate and enjoy the journey.”
McNeill also confirmed he’s looking forward to his upcoming trip to New York where Testicle Magnificence is the norm rather than an exception.
“I might be the first man in Tyrone to be awarded this certificate but apparently 85% of Americans have Big Ball Syndrome and can take anything up to four seats at the cinema or restaurants. I think New York might be my spiritual home.”
Meanwhile, close friend and cynic Lenny Pollock is unsure how the new diagnosis will go down in the town:
“If I was Damien, I wouldn’t be celebrating quite yet. Omagh ones are not a people to accept official documentation and I wouldn’t be shocked if his certificate is shoved somewhere that’ll make his journey even more uncomfortable.”
A BBC documentary on McNeill’s plight will be screened some time in the summer, titled ‘Damien’s Danglers’.
Mortified Tyrone Priest Receives Boxes Of Condoms From Late Late Show
A County Tyrone priest, who won two tickets to be in the audience in The Late Late Show at the Parish Christmas Bazaar, is said to be in hiding after arriving back with 16 boxes of condoms which were given to everyone in the audience by Ryan Tubridy. Fr McCaughey’s maid, who was made to carry the gift into the priest’s car and house, was also said to be ‘beetroot’ over the incident according to neighbours in Tattyreagh.
The Valentine’s Day special episode of the popular RTE show also awarded boxes of chocolates to everyone in the audience, heightening the awkwardness of the situation for the Omagh-born clergyman, who elected to bring his long-serving maid Mary Quinn to the show as his partner.
Fellow spectator and bachelor Kieran Kelly from County Meath confirmed it was a show from hell for the man of the cloth:
“I was sitting beside Fr McCaughey when Tubridy announced it was a Valentine’s special. He muttered something like ‘Ah bollocks’ and tried to leave but they wouldn’t let him budge. I saw him fiddle with the collar a few times but it seemed to be stuck too. It was an unfortunate scenario for the man and the maid, Mary.”
On leaving the studio, all members of the audience were given their chocolates and contraceptives, with the Tattyreagh parish priest attempting to escape the ordeal. Unfortunately, accepting the gifts is compulsory and the pair had to walk a mile to their car holding boxes of Milk Tray and Durex, much to the dismay of elderly Dubliners out walking.
After receiving a torrent of abuse from disgusted onlookers, according to eye witness reports Fr McCaughey tried to explain how to got them but was drowned out by cries of ‘dirty bastard’ and ‘go on yis pair of hoors’.
Tattyreagh Parish confirmed today that the Durex boxes will be donated to any Protestants in the greater Omagh area if they want them.
Rise In Erotic Silage Fetishism ‘A Worry’ Says Health Minister
Man in the form for a bit of hay rolling
A visiting health minister from Norway has alerted local government officials that the levels of farmers rolling around in silage, naked, was probably a bit too high.
Locally called ‘bare hay rolling‘, silage fetishism is said to be particularly popular in Tattyreagh, Loughmacrory, Eglish and Brocagh and is usually performed in the evening when it’s unlikely anyone will be calling to the bespoke silo for a visit.
Professor Nilos Koreen admitted he was surprised at the popularity of silage fetishism in Ulster:
“I’ve been here a month and I’d heard local farmers talking about ‘heading home for a bit of bare hay rolling‘ and smirking so I followed one of them home to see this exciting new farming technique. Little did I know it involved the said farmer throw a bit of fresh silage behind a shed, take off his dungarees and roll around in it naked, shouting things like ‘go on ye blade ye‘ and ‘yahoooo‘ etc. And they’re all at it.”
Tyrone Farmers’ spokesman Francie Mullan responded to allegations that silage fetishism was at an all time high:
“Yiz are making us feel bad, like as if we’re doing something wrong. You people don’t know how lonely an unmarried single farmer can be. There’s no better smell than rancid butter in the evening time, especially after a hard day’s work, and if any of our farmers fancy a roll in the hay where there is a strong presence of yeast prior to the maize being fully fermented, then that’s their business.”
All of the local religious groups have yet to comment on bare hay rolling and have indicated they will furiously search their respective versions of the bible to find out if God, Moses or Jesus said anything about it.
Family Of Deceased Newmills Man At War Over Controversial Epitaph On Gravestone
The immediate family of a recently deceased 89-year-old ex-kite maker from Newmills are said to be at war after an inscription on his gravestone simply read ‘Willie Farmer; He Had Good Teeth’.
Mrs Farmer (88), and her son Adam, are said to be responsible for the inscription, as opposed to the two daughters who believed he should have received a more positive message on the gravestone at Newmills Community Cemetery after Monday’s funeral service.
Defending the inscription, Mrs Farmer maintained that the message they settled upon summed up all that was good about her husband, adding that he was lucky to even have that at all.
“Yes, he had great teeth. But he was an obnoxious, miserable old man. His teeth were the only redeeming thing about him and I should know, after 55 years of marriage. Initially, I just wanted it to say ‘Willie Farmer; He Had Teeth‘ but the son added a bit more information with ‘good’.”
Daughter Emily Farmer maintains there was more to the inscription than met the eye:
“My da went against the grain and left all his land to his daughters in his will. This is simply my ma and our Geoff getting back at him, and him dead.”
The Farmer fiasco is the latest in a spate of gravestone skulduggery in the county after a Tattyreagh wife was chastised by her family for inscribing ‘Jack Quinn; He Lived.’ on his headstone after a tumultuous 61 years of marriage.
The Mid-Ulster council are to vote on a motion that members of the deceased have to write at least one good thing on the headstone from January 1st 2022.
Omagh Driving Instructor Warned About Flatulence And Flirting.
Carr, in car.
A driving instructor of 13 years has been ordered to chew on anti-flatulence tablets after a fifth pupil passed out during a complicated parallel parking manoeuvre.
Mike Carr, who drives a 2009 Vauxhall Corsa, was also accused of ordering learners slow down when passing female pedestrians and making inappropriate hand gestures at people with Donegal tops on them.
Jenny McClaren (19) maintains she passed out for at least five minutes following a loud eruption from the instructor as he polished off a strong-smelling egg and onion sandwich:
“It hit me like a brick to the face. The car even vibrated before the waft touched my nostrils. The next thing I knew I was slumped over the wheel, retching, holding up a snake-line of traffic in the town. Only he’s £10 an hour I’d be well away from Smelly Mike.”
Carr has also been admonished for leering at passers-by during crucial 3-point manoeuvres. 23 year old John Quinn, who passed after 11 failed attempts under Carr’s tutelage, admitted to being seriously embarrassed by his teacher’s antics:
“We’d be executing a 3-pointer and he’d stop me and wind down the window and shout ‘gwan ye blade ye’, wolf whistle and then hide and I’d get the 2-fingers from the poor victim. It was some price to pay for a tenner an hour.”
A third learner, who wishes to remain anonymous, told us of a road-side brawl instigated by Carr in 2014. Kirk McCabe, from 12 Tattyreagh Rd, explained:
“We were cruising at 27 mph towards the end of a successful lesson when he grabbed the steering wheel and veered the motor onto the pavement and scattered a group of lads in Donegal tops. He got out and threw up his eyes, blaming me. Those lads pulled me out and gave me a hiding. He just got back in and said ‘that was some handlin‘ and asked me for a tenner.”
Carr is chewing NoMoreFarts.
Faulty Sat-Nav Sees Avid Tattyreagh Gardener Admit Mowing Down Pensioner
A gardening fanatic from Tattyreagh, who claims to possess a 30-year incident-free clean record in the grass-cutting trade, has received a suspended sentence at Omagh County Court for mowing straight over an 81-year old who was returning from her daily shopping expedition in the local confectionery store after buying the Irish News and three Paris Buns.
Carlito McCabe (41) admitted to trusting a faulty Sat-Nav he had recently purchased to speed up his mowing after receiving three big jobs recently for wealthy garden owners. On the third garden, McCabe’s device insisted he follow its advice and mow straight through a hedge onto the main road where he met the oblivious Mary McGarron:
“The Sat-Nav had been faultless til then. I’d mowed a 3-acred garden the previous day to perfection using the TomTom 2.6 Landscaper Extreme. It did cross my mind that mowing clean through a hedge was unconventional but I had no need to distrust the device.”
Mrs McGarron, who was hospitalised with a shave burns, revealed how the ordeal left her with a fear of mowers:
“I’ve walked that road for 80 years and never once has a lawn mower appeared from a hedge and ridden over the top of me. Any time I hear a cutting device now I duck under the nearest object.”
McCabe’s defence suggested that a hedge grown without permission was at fault, making it impossible for the Sat-Nav to suggest a u-turn before clattering into the pensioner, to which the judge replied ‘I dunno’.
37 Shades Of Tattyreagh Documentary A Commercial Success
An ambitious project to capture romantic liaisons in Tattyreagh has been hailed as a masterpiece after the documentary ’37 Shades of Tattyreagh’ premiered in Omagh last night.
Tattyreagh, a sleepy townland on the outskirts of Omagh, has long been hailed as the Tyrone equivalent of the Lisdoonvarna Matchmaking Festival, with countless tales of marital bliss from those born and bred in the area.
In the documentary, Tattyreagh women were asked to describe what a typical romantic clench with their partner would involve, with camera crews capturing the most intimate moments for the director Barry Moran.
Susie McCabe, a 48 year old wax therapist described her bedroom antics:
“At well Pat would come in to the bedroom around 11, covered in engine oil, peel off the dungarees and just say ‘brace yourself, woman‘. It never really veers off that plot-line really. And sure, it works for me. 3 minutes later I’m back to reading The Reader’s Digest and he’s rambling on about clutches and brake pads.”
Although the camera crew caught one of the embraces, their faces were fuzzed out, keeping McCabe’s identity secret.
The women of Tattyreagh were also lauded as romantically up there with the French as fly-on-the-wall cameras caught romantic moments in kitchens and bedrooms up and down the Letfern Road.
One of the most emotional moments involved John Quinn coming home from work with a bunch of 8-day old flowers from a petrol station in order to make amends after their row over a burnt black pudding the morning. With tears in her eyes, as well as in the eyes of the cinema audience, Janet Quinn leads her husband up stairs as the camera fades out. All that can be heard is Mrs Quinn softly saying:
“Lob it into me, boss”
followed by a ‘yahooo’ from her husband, earning a round of applause from last night’s cinema goers.
37 Shades of Tattyreagh can be seen across many cinemas this week in the county, rated 18.
Worzel Gummidge Was Based Typical West Tyrone Man, Admits Producers
West Tyrone man?
Worzel Gummidge, a scarecrow that could come to life and lived in Ten Acre Field, was modelled on any number of men you’d find wandering aimlessly around Omagh, Killyclogher, Tattyreagh, Strabane or Dromore according to two producers who worked on the show during 1979 and 1981.
Gummidge, whose catchphrase was ‘A cup o’ tea an’ a slice o’ cake‘, was played by John Pertwee with his love interest coming from Aunt Sally acted by Una Stubbs.
In his memoir, producer Kenny Rainhome admitted:
“I was visiting cousins in Tyrone in 1978 and was amazed at the way nearly every fellow was the same as the next: black hats, straw hair, straw hands, muddied face and funny way of talking. And then they’d just be standing in fields looking about. I loved them so I thought I’d pay homage to their existence.”
The West Tyrone Preservation Society have reacted angrily to the revelation but admitted they’re not surprised:
“We’re proud of our men. And so what if they keep a lot of straw about themselves? Sure in England all the men are on drugs and wear wigs and stuff. But this does not come as big news to us. Sure wasn’t The Muppets based on the decision of the Moortown jury to award Mary Quinn from Ballinderry as Miss Wrangler Jeans 1966 when Sarah O’Neill from Brocagh had a far better chassis on her.”
There are no plans to reboot Worzel Gummidge.
Two Women Take Head Clean Off Each Other Over Shop’s Last Family Circle Biscuits
Shop owners have been urged to remind shoppers that their premises will be open again in a couple of days after police were called to the Spar in Brackville due to a violent brawl over the last tin of Family Circle Delux Edition biscuits.
The incident occurred hours after three brothers in Tattyreagh were cautioned for fighting over a case of Shloer in Omagh earlier in the day. Government officials have called on all retail outlets to remind shoppers that goods will be available for purchase in under 48 hours and that there was no word of an apocalypse or extreme weather conditions for the foreseeable future.
The Brackaville brawl occurred after two neighbours spotted the final tin of Family Circle sitting in the middle of an aisle with a big £4.99 sign dangling over them. Shopper Brian Carland witnessed the clash:
“It was like a scene out of a Clint Eastwood film. The two women were equ-distance from the tin and descended on their prize like rockets. Next, all you could see were hair clips and bras flying all over the shop as they tore strips off each other. The odd thing was that both trollies were full of cakes and biscuits and stuff. Them Family Circle must be good.”
Police warned both women regarding future behaviour and reminded one of the perpetrators that she’d already bought two normal boxes of Family Circle as well as a 5-pack of Ginger Nuts.
Meanwhile a family of four in Fintona are said to be distraught after only managing to secure a 20lb turkey, as their appetites are far bigger now than last year. They are willing to accept generous food parcels.
The Tribulation Two Arrested And Charged. Six Months Hard Labour In Tattyreagh
Following the news earlier in the week that both Tyrone Tribulations journalists were at large and on the run from the PSNI’s lie-eradicating team, authorities confirmed that the writers were finally tracked down in a shed in Glenelly, arrested and charged.
Hiding behind a cow, both men gave themselves up without much resistance apart from a bucket of water which was thrown in the direction of one of the officers. The Facebook campaign to show support for the outlawed journalists failed to garner much support with only 13 likes picked up in four days, two of which were from the men themselves.
A solicitor for the pair was unable to present any sober form of defence as a kangaroo court in Omagh found the men guilty of 189 lies over the course of two years. They received a 6-month sentence which is to be carried out in a field in Tattyreagh cutting up rocks for the county’s three stonemasons. Other conditions include no access to laptops or electronic devices in that time period and any postings on the Tyrone Tribulations website will result in the stiffer penalty of moving to a field in Loughmacrory.
Speaking from his cell, Gombeen admitted:
“It was good oul craic, these last couple of years. But, and this is a lesson to the children, your past catches up with you. We wouldn’t call it lies – more like being relaxed with the truth. But sure the site will still be there for anyone to browse over the 200 stories if they’re that bored out of their skulls.”
Shengas McGlumphie was unable to comment as he had already been placed in solitary confinement for writing a story on the walls of his cell about a Moortown man who unsuccessfully travelled to Africa to pick up the $45 million fortune a mysterious e-mailer told him he’d been left by a relation he didn’t know existed, before being eaten by a tribe of Ardboe settlers in Nigeria.
Adiós Amigos.
Misunderstanding Over Pensioner’s ‘Dirty Books’ Cleared Up
Prancett on his doorstep
A misunderstanding over an innocent request saw 3000 locals angrily converge on a Tattyreagh pensioner’s house before order was restored after a three-minute stand-off.
The incident occurred after Lionel Prancett’s grandchildren loudly asked him in the packed local shop if they could ‘go to his shed and have another look at those dirty books’.
Prancett explained:
“I was clearing out the shed recently when I came across hundreds of old dusty comics I’d kept over the years. There were Toppers, Beanos and Dandys by the dozens. They were fairly decomposed and cobwebbed but readable. I showed them to the grandchildren and they were mesmerised by the antics of Desperate Dan and Dennis The Menace.”
The shop incident initiated a stampede as up to 40 shoppers ran after Prancett before he had the chance to explain, some of them breaking off tree branches and lighting them. Due to the power of social media, 3000 turned up on his doorstep within 15 minutes, baying for a live lynching, the first in the area since 1988.
Chief chaser Paddy O’Brien explained:
“Ah it was a misunderstanding just. All is well now. We apologised for kicking his garden ornaments to smithereens but at least a lesson has been learned here. We just need to work out what it was.”
Prancett says he intends to remain living in Tattyreagh but intimated that this was another ‘pretend misunderstanding’ by locals just because his father was actually born in Loughmacrory. We was also chased a year ago from the same shop after telling a buxom cashier that she was ‘well-stacked’ after he saw a mountain of crisps on offer on the counter.
Tyrone Tribulations 