TELL US ABOUT YOUR INTEREST IN GAA
Well I fell in love with the sport when I happened upon a Periscope video of Tattyreagh playing Loughmacrory. Ever since then I’ve been a Tatts fanatic and have ordered 12 Tattyreagh football tops over the last three years on eBay (chuckles). It’s ironic because Brad Pitt is a massive Loughmacrory fan.
HOW DO YOU THINK THEY’LL GO THE YEAR?
I wouldn’t have high hopes. I thought they’d take Moortown but them East Tyrone lads are hardy fellas. They remind me a bit of Joey in Friends who had a steely determination about him when it came to learning lines and stuff. They should beat Augher though.
HAVE YOU BEEN TO TYRONE OFTEN?
Yes I try to get over as much as possible, maybe three times a month. Last week I flew over to Belfast and stayed for two nights in Plumbridge just wandering the fields and loanans. I like The Plum. It reminds me a bit of LA with the way people completely ignore you on the roads. I was driving down the Glenelly Road recently and a fella in a Davy Brown moreorless drove straight over me. I like that about Plumbridge.
ARE YOU WORKING ON ANY PROJECTS AT THE MINUTE?
Oh wouldn’t you love to know! (chuckles). Yes, I’ve three films on the go and I’m also learning how to make soda bread on the griddle. I saw it in action in a house near Gortin and thought I’d give it a go. So far I’ve had no success but it doesn’t work as well over an electric hob. You really need a fire going but that’s illegal here in Malibu.
WHAT ADVICE WOULD YOU GIVE LOGAN AND DOOHER FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR AHEAD?
To be honest, I’m more of a baseball girl but I’ll say one thing. Tyrone need to bring back thuggery and shithousery. It’s why I fell in love with the Tatts (crying).
Following the news that Ardboe is to have its first outside Christmas tree, a series of unseemly public brawls have littered American televisions with top celebrities vying for the honour of turning them on. George Clooney, Clint Eastwood, Madonna and Kiera Knightly are all said to be offering their services for free with Adam Sandler promising to do a celebrity eel-gutting extravaganza thrown in if he gets the nod.
Ardboe Christmas Lights chief organiser, Pa Forbes, admitted he wasn’t all that overwhelmed by the interest:
“To be fair, I sorta knew there’d be a deadly rush for the job as soon as it appeared in the Tyrone Times. Liam Neeson was on the mobile by that afternoon, joking ‘I don’t know who you are, I don’t know where you live, but when I find you, I will light them’. I didn’t like his tone so I put the phone down.”
Tom Cruise was another caller but Forbes again turned him down as they’d need a digger to lift him to the light switch.
“Yes, it would look cat with the digger and all. Jennifer Aniston was a favourite of mine but she was was being all prima-donna about it and asked for a big warm coat and a free drink at the Battery. No chance says I.”
Forbes has since created an online poll as to who the locals think should turn them on. Presently it sits as follows:
- Rod Stewart 11%
- Victoria Beckham 3%
- Brad Pitt 16%
- Messi 10%
- Lynette Fay 39%
- Malachi Cush 21%
Of the above, only Fay and Cush have yet to express an interest.
Forbes added that this is a time for cool heads. Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have been asked to quit the slagging and mudslinging after Jolie accused Pitt of calling Ardboe ‘Arboe’, telling CNN “Ghost-oh, he’s some clift.”
We emailed leaders and celebs across the globe to get their take on Clonoe’s victory over Carrickmore in the county final yesterday. Here is a sample response:
“Holy fook – the carmen were defeated? God darn it. I’d a dollar on Team Barney to bring home the bacon. You do the Math. Have a nice day.” President Obama
“Wonderful news. Do I prefer the O’Rahilly’s over Carrickmore? That would be an ecumenical matter. Let’s just say their weekly donations are healthier. There’s a lot of money in Clonoe. The McGraths and all.” POPE FRANCIS
“What?” Paul McCartney
“Stunning. To see the wee faces of the Clonoe ones brought a tear to my eye. Time for Brocagh, Derrytresk and Derrylaughan to get up off their arses and donate their players to Coney Park. Like feeder clubs. Feed the O’Rahilly’s.” Bob Geldof
“Wow. Just wow. LOL. WTF?” MILEY CYRUS
“Jaysus.” Pope Benedict XVI
“Great to see a six-county team prevail again. Another blow to the republic. No surrender.” SAMMY WILSON
“I’d say Tessie’s got some hammering last night. They’ll be ripping in Falls’ Bar.” VICTORIA BECKHAM
“I regret giving Big Oz the advice about using cooking gloves.” PAT JENNINGS
“What?” JENNIFER ANISTON
“Shocked. Gormley was the toughest marker I ever faced. Showed a healthy interest in my ma too.” LIONEL MESSI
“I’d like to echo Sammy’s comments. Up the Wahillys.” JAMIE BRYSON
“Catch yerself on Bryson.” BARRY MCELDUFF