£40,000 Valium Uncovered In Edendork By PSNI Before Tyrone Face ‘Sleeping Giants Of Ulster Football’
By Aughohilly Schniffles
As Tyrone prepare to take on Co Down in defending their Ulster title this Sunday, it has emerged that £40,000 worth of sleeping pills has been found in Edendork.
A PSNI spokesman said the intention by certain Tyrone supporters and perhaps backroom staff was to “keep them sleeping” coming up to the weekend.
Down – commonly known as “The Sleeping Giants of Ulster football” – surprised many with their demolition of Monaghan in this year’s provincial semi-final. Fears are rife in Tyrone that the Mourne men may be awaking from their slumber and that slipping sleeping tablets into the Down training camp over the week was a viable option. Horse Devlin was spotted in Newcastle suspiciously eating an ice-cream on the 12th.
It is believed that the ‘sleeping giants’ tag dates back to the Fionn MacCumhaill days, around the time of that mental story about the Red Hand of Ulster, where the best people in the land lived in the highest of the high, Slieve Donard, whilst their polar opposites lived in Ardboe. PSNI have also been out to Brian McGuigan’s house and forced him to dismantle a giant catapult he had constructed to fling shite all over Newry.
When asked about Down’s ambush on Monaghan the last day out, one Down fan we interviewed said
“Well, you can thank that Matty Donnelly bollocks for saying Tyrone would have a tough game against Monaghan in his post-match BBC interview…”
When we pressed said fan about Down’s chances this Sunday he snorted
“…let’s just say Mickey Harte, who has now been serving his county longer than the fella who did Kermit the Frog, is in for a rude awakening this Sunday.”
There are unconfirmed rumours around Garvaghey that former County star Paul Donnelly has been taking training sessions, teaching the team how to throw opposition players’ boots into the Gerry Arthurs Stand.
Following allegations of shenanigans from the Red Hand County, it has been alleged that Kevin McKernan, the Down midfielder, was responsible for the theft of Colm Cavanagh’s dog Marley last week, who thankfully turned up alive and barking in Stewartstown. Our best wishes go out to Marley, in his recovery of what must have been a very stressful thirty minutes spent in Stewartstown. All the best Marley.
Despite being cheered on by the entire county during a magnificent performance against Donegal in the Ulster semi-final, the threat to the county players is now placed at ‘critical’ as they prepare to head back to their clubs for league football before the Ulster final.
As the multi-award winning squad from the 00s can testify, there appears to be a strong correlation between playing well for the county and getting the lining kicked out of you in club games, by the same boys who clapped and roared you on a week earlier.
An All-Star winning forward who wishes to remain anonymous, said from his Cookstown home:
“The feeling of elation when you scored a clinker in Croke Park would soon turn to dread when it dawned on you that some failed corner back from Ardboe is probably going to break you in two at the weekend for scoring it. I remember I nailed one such goal against Dublin, involving dummies, and spotted a boy from Kildress cheering and giving me the thumbs up in the Canal End. Then, in a millisecond, he did the throat-slicing movement and gave me the fingers.”
With Tyrone having so many 5-star performers on Sunday against Donegal, the threat level has been raised from the normal ‘high’ to ‘critical’ with referees made aware of the need to be extra-vigilant over the next few weeks.
A Trillick sharpshooter who didn’t even get on on Sunday told us he’s ‘dunging the togs’ in anticipation of taking on Urney in a week’s time. Urney, who are famed for their particular distaste of Donegal, have promised to tone down the comeuppance for Tyrone heroes playing for Trillick, but refused to make promises.
A leaked document supposedly drawn up by the Tyrone County Board at the start of the year indicated that several radical club game proposals were considered, aimed at giving the county players the best chance at All-Ireland success.
Amongst the more controversial ideas was to play FOUR rounds of league games at midnight on a Sunday to give county players more time to train with the county all weekend, playing some games in car parks to preserve the pitches for county training, and to play at some unusual venues such as the boxing club for Ardboe/Fianna and Barcelona for Clonoe/Dromore.
A club football activist, Reginald McSherry, maintains the leaked plans is another nail in the coffin for non-county players in Tyrone:
“Doesn’t surprise me a jot. Them boys in suits really do think the new CPA stands for the Crap Players Association. Never mind the midnight games or car park venues, but to drag the Clonoe v Dromore game to the Nou Camp in Barcelona is scandalous. Everyone knows Mickey O’Neill cannot fly. He’d be driving for 2 weeks. It’s just another way to get county players off playing club games.”
The County Board also considered imposing a ban on non-county players wearing fancy-coloured boots as it was generally perceived by the board that they were getting above their station and thinking they were deadly. One proposal which did get the go-ahead was that only county players can use the official gym equipment in Garvaghey. Non-county players can use less expensive props such as wheelbarrow ramps and cans of soup.
95% of the proposals were rejected due to a delay in the paperwork but will be reviewed in 12 months depending on who’s in charge of the county team.
An Ardboe octogenarian reportedly spent today winking at people who know him around Ardboe after it emerged he bought his 82 year old wife, originally from Ballinderry, 2 tickets to see Jamie Dornan’s latest steamy movie ‘50 Shades Darker’ as well as a bag of oysters for Valentine’s Day next week.
John Joe Donnelly (84) admitted he is aiming to make up for last year’s gift of a pair of thigh-length leather boots and handcuffs which left the former O’Donovan Rossa player sleeping in the shed until the middle of March.
“A few of the lads in the pub said she’ll go mad for this film. Apparently it’s about a boy who is great at using baling twine around the house and wife hits him the odd slap when he starts acting the bollocks. To me it could just as well have been set in Ardboe. And she likes shellfish so the 120g of oysters will be well-received.”
Donnelly still maintains last year’s boots were a complete misunderstanding and would have proved to be fantastic footwear for dunging out the yard all year around, if she’d given them the chance and not taken the wrong meaning from the gesture.
“I can’t see how this year’s double gift could go wrong. A wholesome country tale in the pictures and a pile of molluscs. There’s no double meaning there. And the handcuffs last year were just a novelty joke thing from a cracker.”
Donnelly was later seen winking at other men in the shop and rubbing his hands with his tongue hanging out.
An Ardboe marketing strategist working in a Belfast office has wowed his workmates after a comment he made to his boss first thing this morning.
Patsy McGuigan (33) has since completed over a dozen high fives on the back of the quip and is currently planning on a Christmas-themed one.
McGuigan himself explained what he has since labelled ‘probably the greatest moment in my adult life’ in great detail:
“All the way up the M1 this morning I kept thinking about people having to take off their costume make-up this morning and then it hit me. The joke to end all jokes. As the boss walked in this morning I waited til everyone was quiet and then let rip ‘Halloween was yesterday’. Well, people were crying with laughter hours later. I’m a beast.”
Since word of the quip hit social media, McGuigan has already received offers of work from Mrs Brown’s Boys and The Hole in the Wall Gang as well as an approach by Julian Simmons to write his script for his UTV segments.
McGuigan, through his agent who was employed as soon as he got home, will be available to switch on Christmas tree lights or open shops for a small fee.
In related news, McGuigan was subsequently sacked today for workplace harassment.
The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.
The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.
The following list summarises the main changes:
O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.
O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.
O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.
O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.
Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.
In a move that has been described as ‘severe’, 20 beauty contestants have been disqualified from the Rose of Ardboe for a range of beauty doping tactics from botox, plastic surgery and colonic irrigation to heavy make-up and spray tans.
The competition was eventually won by mother of five, Gerttude Donnelly (44) from Brocagh who defeated the only other clean competitor Mary Quinn (17) from Moortown.
Chief judge and beauty expert Paddy Forbes defended their decision:
“These women are as bad as the athletes who are off their heads on steroids and blood tampering. Our suspicions were raised at the introduction part of the competition when over a dozen women were simply unable to smile or move any part of their face at all. One woman from Ballinderry couldn’t even say her name in case her new lips cracked. It’s a disgrace.”
The panel of judges were able to access the medical reports from John Morgan, a local unofficial facial reconstruction expert in the townland, who admitted he had received heavy trade in recent weeks. Forbes added:
“We managed to strike off 15 women that way. We then appealed to the conscience of the other women left by telling them we’ll be hosing them down to see if the fake tans come off. Luckily five more women came forward leaving the two finalists. We hosed them any way.”
Rose of Tralee officials have refused to comment on the disqualifications in Ardboe but an unnamed escort revealed that his Rose was practising smiling all day and had nearly mastered it.
John Morgan has since been visited by the Benefit Fraud Bureau.
Our reporters were up and about early this morning to gather memories of the glorious summer of 2016 when the county basked in temperatures of up to 28 degrees for more than 48 hours.
“It was deadly like. I was telling the children about it this morning and they said I was lying. It was like the Algarve. Cars were getting stuck on the road because of the bubbling tarmac and Portuguese people were flocking here for a bit of heat. Women were walking about buck naked. The summer of ’16….it’ll never happened again.” PAT QUINN (77)
“Oh I’ll never forget it. It was like it was yesterday, it’s that fresh in my mind. I remember Tyrone won the Ulster that year, beating Donegal I think by 20 points of so and Mickey Harte scored a screamer goal from 50 yards out and people were fainting because it was nearly 50 degrees. I remember buying a pint in Mulligan’s bar and the beer was warm because his air conditioning was banjaxed and Mulligan was telling people to stop complaining. It was a mad, mad summer. There was talk of a United Ireland that year but I’m not sure if it happened.” MARY MCCANN (56)
“People think you’re making things up but the in the summer of ’16 The Moy was the hottest place on the planet for days and days. People had to head to the blacksmiths in the village to get steel heels and toecaps put on the boots as soles were melting on the road. I remember fish jumping out of the River Blackwater to cool down. I think that was the year we left Europe and became part of the Sahara for a while.” MALACHY MACKLE (41)
“Some people have fond memories of the heat in 2016 but my recollections were not as happy. I was really worried about Hugo Duncan in that heat. He was elderly at that stage and had a big baldy head on him and I was waking up in a state of panic thinking he’d be lying in a drain somewhere boiling and the microphone electrocuting him.” JOHN HAMILL (51)
“Over a million people were swimming in Lough Neagh on the Monday after the Ulster final. I remember that figure because I counted them with my brother. Cameras weren’t really handy back then so I’ve no photos. I remember going to the game on the Sunday and seeing Sean Cavanagh’s hair actually melting in front of us. It was a bad year for eels as they all tasted burnt.” PADDY COYLE (33)
A source from within the European Championship winning Portugal management team has revealed that their manager, Fernando Santos, made a panicked call to an unnamed lough shore manager at half time during their final match against the host nation France.
Santos, who holidayed in Ardboe regularly during the 80s and names eel as his favourite fish, was concerned that the infestation of moths in the Paris stadium was affecting his players and hoped that the experience of dealing with midges on the shores of Lough Neagh could be passed on to his squad.
Our source added:
“He was out of his mind but found a pay phone outside the changing rooms and urgently telephoned an Irish number. He seemed to know him well as he put on an Irish accent and I heard Fernando say at one stage, ‘Ghost-oh Jaysus boys the moths are tarra, Patsy’. His team talk after the call will live in my memory forever”
Santos immediately called the players into a huddle and gave them the most important advice of their young sporting lives:
“It transpired that the advice given by the east Tyrone manager was to ‘ate the bastes’ whilst you’re playing. Ronaldo asked, in Portuguese, what the hell that meant, even though he wasn’t playing at that stage. Santos explained that ‘ate the bastes’ meant to devour the moths as you play as it reduced their numbers as well as providing constant nutritional benefits. He mumbled something about it not doing Brian McGuigan any harm, whoever the hell he is.”
Portugal went on to win 1-0 in extra time, sparking wild celebrations in Porto, Lisbon and Dungannon.
The newly formed Ghost-Oh Party, whose manifesto includes forming a nudist beach on the loughshore by 2030, were today described as bullish and confident that they’ll make inroads on traditional well-performing parties in the area including Sinn Fein, the DUP and SDLP during Thursday’s assembly election.
Furthermore, Sinn Fein election agents have admitted that Michelle O’Neill, Linda Dillon and Ian Milne are nervous about the impact Joey Coney will have in the Mid-Ulster constituency after his recent promise of curing diabetes, heart disease and consumption before the new year appears to have got tongues wagging in the greater Ardboe area.
SDLP voter Ronnie Stooply added:
“Coney’s a crackpot but he seems to be getting noticed. He said he’ll replace the Ardboe Cross with a bronze statue of Frank McGuigan. We thought that’d lose him the religious vote but it only seemed to have strengthened it. I can see the Ghost-Oh Party pulling in at least 6000 votes, especially now that Coney promises to make Midge ‘n’ Eel Soup a national delicacy and increasing tourism in Ardboe by 4000% because of it.”
Already a smear campaign has begun against Coney, with news leaked to local and national newspapers regarding his murky past which included wrestling with an 80-year old lollipop lady in Cooktown in 1998 over the last Irish News in a newsagent and his refusal to contribute money during the collection plate at Mass throughout the 80s.
“I have the Shinners spooked. My promise to bring the US Masters to Ardboe by 2025 is not a pie-in-the-sky scheme. I’ve already run it by Rory McIlroy and he said ‘aye, right’ and winked which is good enough for me. All Sinn Fein can promise is to fix potholes. I intend to tackle black holes, and we all know what I mean by that…”
..before walking off and laughing like mad at a cow dunging.
Despite the Lough Fishermen’s Co-operative Society’s three month fishing ban on all scale fish in Lough Neagh, starting on March 1, an Ardboe fisherman was this morning caught with 200 pollan under a pile of coats on his 26 ft GRP fishing boat with a Perkins 6 Cylinder engine, Borgwarner Gearbox, 64Kw, dual control winch with gantry.
When initially questioned by the bailiffs, the 79-year old man explained that he just was out for a sail when the fish started jumping in, probably because they’d seen other fish get in the boat when he was legally fishing before the ban.
Gaffer Wylie added:
“I believe they thought it was the fashion to get in the boat, maybe seeing their parents or cousins being fished in by net a month ago. I tried to stop them but there was no shifting them. Pollans are a stubborn fish and started beating their heads off the floor to knock themselves out. There was no point throwing them back in after that. Sure they’d just drown.”
Bailiff McIlhatton revealed he found the explanation highly unlikely but had no proof it didn’t happen as there were no rods or nets on Wylie’s boat by the time he arrived over, although he was almost sure he’d seen the fisherman throw equipment overboard when spotted a quarter of a mile out.
“This is the second time I’ve been hoodwinked. Another Maghery fisherman was caught with 800 trout in this boat and he maintained the fish loved his singing so much that they jumped in, and as he had his eyes closed singing he didn’t notice. They also, miraculously, knocked themselves out. Us bailiffs need faster boats. By the time we get over, these men have their stories sorted and gear ditched.”
Flame-haired Maggie Duffy, a new bailiff from Antrim, was stood down this morning from her job after it emerged that the sight of a red-haired woman was considered very bad luck by Lough Neagh fishermen.
After a series of rigorous scientific tests, Clogher Distillery have finally unveiled their new brand of whiskey with three distinctive after-effects depending on your chosen mood – crying, fighting or singing.
Distillery director Seamus Mulgrew maintains his whiskey will revolutionise pubs and clubs around the country, enabling bouncers to predict how the night will pan out:
“We’ve tested it over and over. ‘BLURT’ whiskey, if consumed with water, will have the drinker crying uncontrollably about emigration, the state of the country, dead relatives, failed romances or football defeats in their youth. ‘WARBLE’ convinces the drinker to think they’re a Grade A singer, like Tina Turner or Malachi Cush. Finally ‘SLAP’ encourages the customer to pick a fight with the next person who looks at them. With science behind us, bars can predicted whether it’s going to be a bawling or boxing match.’
SLAP whiskey was already tested out in Falls’ pub in Derrylaughan during a meeting of the Lough Neagh Anglers Association. Bar staff confirmed that a mass brawl of fishermen ensued, with rods inserted in places they wish not to describe in print. However, Clogher distillers were unhappy with the results after they found out that this was a relatively normal occurrence in the lough shore pub.
BLURT will be tasted tonight during the Ardboe Book Club monthly meeting at the Battery Bar, immediately after the 15-strong female readership discuss their book of the month – Dead Puppies In Heaven.
Finally, WARBLE has already been banned at wakes and funerals for fear of having to listen to 32 verses of songs about sons going to Amerikay and never returning.
All bottles retail at £39.99 with a shot costing £6.
Damian Barton, the Derry manager who has been given an eight-week ban as a result of his involvement in an on-field melee in the McKenna Cup final against Tyrone, has been caught red-handed attempting to sneak his way onto the sideline for the match against Tyrone again tomorrow night.
Cookstown plumber, Leo Padraig McCaffrey, who was fixing Barton’s bath revealed that the Newbridge man was in the midst of a cunning plan:
“I was unclogging Barton’s bath when I heard a man with a strong Ardboe accent in the room adjacent to it. Although I had a fistful of blondie hair in my hand, I made my way over and saw Barton in an Ardboe jersey saying “I’m Kyle Coney, ghost oh boys” and stuff like that. I clocked on straight away what this gangster was at and toul him that Coney doesn’t play for the county any more.”
McCaffrey explained how Barton became a bit flustered, denying he was up to anything untoward at first, and then trying to tease out of him who is on the panel but was injured at the minute.
“I was having none of it. He was getting more desperate as I stood there shaking my head and then let rip calling me a typical Tyrone bollocks and was foaming and spitting and stuff. I hope Mickey appreciates what I have done.”
Barton has denied trying to gain access to the Tyrone dug-out and has promised to sit quietly in the crowd tomorrow. GAA officials, however, are investigating a Derry sub who has been named as Dickie Rock from Magilligan.
Meanwhile, Jimmy Nesbitt has been asked to refrain from hogging the hospitality prosecco tomorrow.
The minutes from the monthly meetings of the new East Tyrone Film Club Society (ETFCS) paints a disappointing picture after their ’12 Months of Classics in 2016′ theme failed to impress members, with many supposed epics slaughtered by the 20-strong film viewing group.
Tyrone Tribulations managed to get an official copy of the minutes which makes grim reading for the world’s top film directors and actors:
JANUARY (Jan 2nd): FRANKENSTEIN (1931) – RATING 1 STAR OUT OF 10
Pure dung. The monster wasn’t even called Frankenstein. No scary bits at all, no rocking chairs or machetes or big noise effects. Just a man making another man out of body parts and ballsing it up and then kills him. Well, we think he did because we turned it off after an hour and watched Match of the Day. Do not buy this film. Black and white too. The monster looks more like a Carrickmore midfielder than a notorious villain. And his acting was terrible. Just grunted and hardly moved.
FEBRUARY (Feb 1st): JAWS (1975) – 2 STARS OUT OF 10
Absolute bollocks. A middlin-sized shark torments the people of America. Then these men get in a questionably-sized ‘boat’ to tackle the killer fish. We’ve seen bigger vessels struggling with a shoal of perch on the Lough. They get drunk and one supposed expert gets ate by the fish and the other man kills it, with the older man already in its belly, by making it swallow a barrelful of diesel and shoots it. All it really needed was good bait and a big net according to some of our Ardboe members. 20 mins done and dusted they reckoned, even including the time for drinking. These amateurs deserved to get ate. True story.
MARCH (Feb 20th): E.T. (1982) – 2 STARS OUT OF 10
Complete balls. This ugly-looking craytur arrives in America and a young lad hides it. Totally unrealistic. The thing learns the English language in minutes and can weld things with its finger without using an eye-shield or any protective clothing. Then the cops come and try to kill it but he survives and moreorless tells the lad that he’s mental, pointing at his head and saying ‘I’ll be right here‘ which many of us interpret as the lad showing early signs of dementia and the alien lad knows it, if he exists at all. A spaceship arrives miraculously and takes the thing home. We found ourselves booing.
Next up for Easter: Schindler’s List
Drainage expert Noel Donnelly from Ballygawley has confirmed he can find no problem in the drains around Glencull or Garvaghey, believing that a good rodding would sort out any of the Tyrone manager’s drainage predicaments.
Harte, who controversially spoke about drains this week, was unavailable for comment.
Noel ‘The Drain’ Donnelly revealed he dug up over 100 drains in the last two days since Harte’s comments, admitting he’s prepared to fix any of Mickey’s drains for free such is his admiration for the multiple All-Ireland winning ex-teacher:
“It’s a head scratcher. I’ve rodded, prodded, jetted, CCTV’d, cut roots, dye-tested, traced, gassed, lined and excavated nearly every drain that Harte might be using, even up at the pitches in Garvaghey. They all seem to be ok. I suggest Mickey just uses a coat-hanger the next time his drains are playing up and stop wasting my time.”
Donnelly also revealed he checked all the drains around Ardboe as there was a suggestion that locals on the shore might be suffering from the same problem as the Ballygawley ones. Again, The Drain was at a loss to explain the rumours:
“You can normally tell if drains are playing up by the smell and the way people are walking in the affected area. As far as I can tell, Ardboe smells just the same. Anyway, a lot of people along the shore do their business in the Lough, as per tradition. They’re very traditional people down there.”
Noel ‘The Drain’ Donnelly can be contacted on firstname.lastname@example.org
PSNI officials are pointing the finger at Urney supporters after Dolores, the celebrity psychic eel from Ardboe, was found hanging from a nail hammered into an electric pole near Strabane. Police said the eel had been gutted.
At a well-attended showbiz event yesterday in front of over 40 onlookers including Plunkett Donaghy, Dolores was thrown into a tank with a stone at either side in the colours of each of the Intermediate finalists. The eel, who correctly predicted the new pope as well as the Great Wind of ’87, immediately swam towards the Edendork eel, indicating she thought the East Tyrone side would lift the title. To make matters worse, Dolores headed towards the Urney-coloured stone and defecated on it.
Witnesses confirmed that the Urney contingent in attendance appeared agitated at the proceedings, making neck-slicing gestures at the eel after it did its business on the Urney stone, with one Urney supporter reportedly shouting ‘you’re dead meat, Dolores’.
Ardboe fisherman Johnny Quinn remarked;
“I can’t believe Dolores is dead. Them bastards are savages.”
Dolores also predicted Aghaloo would win the Junior final over Brackaville Owen Roes, with both sides apparently happy with the eel’s prediction, suggesting the Owen Roes have a hefty bet on Aghaloo winning also.
Dolores’ remains will be arriving home tonight to Ardboe with a Mass at 8:30 pm followed by an outdoor barbecue where Dolores will be eaten.
PSNI officials have reminded the general public that they will not be attending any more reports of wasp fighting in the county, especially along the west coast of Lough Neagh, after over 400 cases were phoned in over the weekend by worried neighbours.
An unusual breed of German wasp arrived in Tyrone last week and have taken a particular liking to local ferns and brackens in East Tyrone on which they get highly intoxicated. The drunken wasps, having already serviced the queen bee, have been at a loose end and appear to have used the free time to take on the people around Ardboe, Brocagh and Derrylaughan.
Adding to the volatile nature of the situation, locals have taken to alcohol to relieve the stress of being stung on a daily basis, creating a deadly cocktail of lethal and often fatal drunken violence.
Local journalist and part-time stand-up comedian Concubar Grimes explained:
“I’d maybe take the wife down to the shore for a bit of canoodling at the weekends but last weekend was impossible. The roads and loanans were full of men and women, reeking of drink, swiping at the wasps with their fists, sometimes connecting with each other by mistake. And then that would start a whole other handlin. You can almost hear the wasps laughing, or maybe that’s just the buzzing. Anyway, I had to take the wife to Coalisland cinema instead but it closed in 1986 apparently.”
Police want to remind people that there’s no law at the minute to charge the wasps with drunken flying or drinking in public.
A skirmish broke out in Brocagh this morning after a freshly inebriated wasp attacked an unsuspecting priest during a local funeral, resulting in the persistent wasp and its immediate family being publically excommunicated and cursed with the threat of eternal damnation.
Several scientists arrived in Ardboe this morning to verify that an unusually powerful earthquake caused the famous Ardboe Cross to lean 11 degrees to its left, resulting in a surge of visitors to the historical site.
The Ardboe Heritage Society (AHS) claim that a localised earthquake struck Ardboe last week, measuring 4.4 on their homemade Richter scale, making it the worst earthquake in Ireland since 2888 BC. Despite no one reporting any shaking or noise in the area, the AHS maintained it was so localised that it occurred directly under the Cross, causing it to slant slightly to the side, making it a place of religious, historical and now geological interest. Since the quake, a fee of £10 must be paid by visitors to the Cross.
Professor Pat Brogan remains unconvinced:
“I can see that it’s bent alright but what caused it is a bit of a mystery. There are no fault lines in Ardboe so it’s highly unlikely to experience any earth movement. After a series of tests, I believe that someone simply leaned against it and now they’re making a lot of money out of it. I saw 300 Chinese tourists at it this morning. That’s £3000 in one go. Crooks.”
AHS chairman John John Quinn is disappointed at Prof. Brogan’s findings:
“Ghost oh boys. Sure how could a man move that by leaning against it. It was definitely an earthquake. My son got a B in his GCSE in Geography there and sure he knows what he’s talking about and he says it was a quake alright. Sure the eels have been behaving queerly since that night, like as if they’re nervous or something.”
Quinn added that it’s only £9 for anyone under 16 to see newly named Leaning Cross of Ardboe.
An RTE insider confirmed to us this morning that Des Cahill, Ciaran Whelan and Kevin McStay have put together a video sequence which they say shows Tyrone’s assistant manager Gavin Devlin cynically using a remote control in his ear to operate a flock of birds throughout the entire game yesterday. Shane ‘Cake’ Curran, however, has refused to buy into the idea and blames the Catholic Church and Fianna Fail for Tyrone’s surprise progression to the semi final.
The birds, numbering 20, remained on the field until mysteriously flying off over Hill 16 in the direction of Ardboe as soon as the referee blew the full time whistle. Our informer added:
“Yes, they’ve a pile of footage which shows Devlin talking into his ear piece and then you see the birds patrolling the Tyrone goalmouth, making it seem more congested than it really was. Very cynical by Tyrone when you see it. McStay has a big electronic screen with triangles and all drawn on it to show the Devlin system. It really is very professional.”
Our source revealed that Ciaran Whelan ‘went clean mad’ when McStay showed him his theory and smashed a monitor he was using to show how Tyrone cynically wore a red strip to make Monaghan think they were playing Louth.
“Whelan went berserk. His nostrils were the size of apples. Even Des Cahill was tutting and saying ‘them poor birds’ and stuff like that.”
Sources in Ardboe confirmed that Devlin was a deadly man for the birds in his teens.
The RSPCA are also looking at footage.
Following the news that a farmer who lit up a cigarette in his tractor could face a fine of up to £1,000 after he was deemed to be smoking in his workplace in a commercial vehicle capable of “carrying more than one person”, a 66-year old farmer from the Battery Road in Ardboe has been fined £300 on the spot for smoking a cigarette (Marlboro) whilst manoeuvring a barrow full of compost from his garden to the rampart.
Patsy Quinn, who will contest the fine, maintains it’s one rule for government ministers and another for the average Joe:
“I remember seeing McGuinness holding a barrow up with yer woman O’Neill in her and him with a Benson and Hedges drooping from his lip. There was no word of fines or the like then. Ghost oh, it’s a joke.”
Quinn will also contest the fine on the grounds that his barrow couldn’t hold any of the women in his family as they were ‘all big eaters’, negating the suggestion that it’s a two-person contraption.
Jackie Conlon also appeared before a magistrate at Cookstown Court this morning on a charge of smoking whilst in control of a donkey and cart he uses to sell eels around Moortown and Ballinderry.
Conlon (71) admitted to freely smoking a Cuban cigar on a vehicle capable of carrying ‘about 15 people’ in the back of it. On accepting the charge, an emotional Conlon added:
“Have yiz nothing better til be at like. The country’s couped.”