By Aughoughilley Schniffles

Kevin McGuigan, a bathroom fitter, from Mourne Crescent has finally won an argument with his wife Alisha, albeit the next morning and while alone in the shower.

The former Coalisland Celtic Youth star got into an altercation with his missus on Valentine’s night last week, when he returned home from work with nothing more than a big bag of spuds and a fairly decent stubble.

McGuigan was met with outrage at missing the fifth Valentine’s Day in a row as well as three of her last four birthdays and two of the couple’s recent wedding anniversaries.

“I sat down to watch the match on the sofa, and got a rap over the head with the saucepan, not the wee one you use for pancakes, but the big one she uses for the fry of a Saturday. I also got called a lazy bollicks and was told I was the worst kind of man there is. Frankly, I was stunned.”

Left licking his wounds on the night, McGuigan told us how he actually won the argument in the end, albeit the next day and on his own in the shower.

“Aye, well I was slapping a load of her Timotei shampoo on me when I felt the bump and remembered the bad manners I had received the night before. I ran over it all again in my head. Says I to myself –  YOU’RE the useless one – you can’t cook a sausage without burning it, the toilet roll holder is always left with just the wee cardboardy bit and my jeans are always ironed with the pleat down the middle. You wouldn’t know a decent man if he fell at your feet… and while I’m at it, you’re looking more and more like your ma every time I clap eyes on ye…that was her told… I walked to my work two inches taller that morning I can tell you.”

McGuigan advised us he is available for bathroom renovations big or small anywhere in Tyrone. Discounts offered for single young women with good road frontage.