Monthly Archives: October 2016
Tyrone Schools Participate In Inaugural Slagging Competition
In a landmark occasion, schools from Cookstown, Dungannon, Coalisland, Ballygawley and Omagh competed in the first Schools’ Slagging Gala which replaces the traditional debating competitions as of this year.
Although Education Minister Peter Weir has yet to comment on the initiative, it is thought that the Tyrone Schools’ Slagging Gala will be used as a pilot for the rest of the country and will be monitored closely by his ministerial team.
The winners of the first ever competition was a Coalisland school who were judged to be ‘brutal slaggers‘ and ‘capable of shocking banter off the cuff‘ by the three-strong judging panel. They defeated hot favourites Ballygawley in the final when the East Tyrone school played their trump card by slagging the mothers of the Ballygawley pupils.
Chief judge Marian Maguire explained their decision:
“Coalisland showed a real talent for cutting their opponents to the bone. Ballygawley resorted to a lot of ‘aye yer ma’ or ‘you’ve a head on you like a cabbage’ which didn’t really seem to faze the eventual winners.”
It was in round two when Coalisland forged ahead when their captain called a Ballygawley contestant a ‘rare looking bastard‘ and followed up by labelling his opposite captain ‘as thick as a bull’s walt‘.
“After that, the Ballygawley school were easy fodder. They were finally defeated when a Coalisland lad said his opponent’s ma had a face on her like a bucket of smashed crabs. It was mightily impressive.
The Coalisland school now go on to play the Belfast champions.
East Tyrone Priest Mistakenly Beaten Up By Dads After Dressing Up As Clown At Halloween Party
Fathers of children at an Irish Language School in Clonoe have apologised for ‘kicking the dung’ clean out of a local priest who unexpectedly arrived at a children’s Halloween party in the school today dressed as a clown.
Fr O’Fay accepted the joint apology from the parents and admitted it was probably a bad decision to burst into the assembly room dressed as the traditional circus performer, carrying a bloodied meat cleaver, given the current bad press clowns are receiving across the country.
Mother of three Geraldine Hanna explained how quickly concerned fathers reacted to the jovial priest’s surprising arrival:
“He just burst through the doors dressed as a clown and wielding a meat cleaver shouting ‘where are yiz ye wee scitters?’. Within twenty seconds he was having the tripe kicked out of him by upwards of 30 fathers up and down the school corridor before they realised it was just the parish priest Fr O’Fay dressed up.”
After the screaming and cries of the children and mothers had died down, an ambulance arrived to whisk O’Fay away to Craigavon A&E which was followed by three decades of the rosary in the school led by the principal of Gaelscoil Na Rahillys Mr Martin, and an unexpected early finish to the Halloween party.
Fr O’Fay released a statement tonight saying he regretted dressing up as a killer clown and should have stuck to his original decision to wear his Dolly Parton outfit. He also promised a good long Mass at Clonoe this Sunday to make up for his error.
Judge Orders Trillick Bakery To Make Dromore Cake
In what has been described a landmark decision, a baker in Trillick has been told to cease their discriminatory practices and to fulfil an order placed the day before Dromore play Trillick by a Trillick fanatic, an Omagh court heard.
The bakery, owned by Dromore native Henry Davidson, has only sold three Paris buns and a wheaten bread today, with Davidson adding that he has received dirty looks by Trillick natives on a daily basis.
The cake, a plain sponge cake with a bit of cream in the middle, was to read ‘Dromore R Shite’ on the icing, a request denied by Dromore man Davidson who opened his bakery in Trillick in 1991. Davidson added:
“I can’t believe this ruling. Surely I should be able to run my shop any way I want. I don’t walk into a cafe and tell the owner I want the design of a naked Jamaican woman on the froth of my cappuccino and then cause all manner of trouble when he refuses. This is just a form of ethnic cleansing. Trillick is a cold place for Dromore ones. I won’t be making that cake.”
The customer, Gerry Breen, maintains he will stand outside Davidson’s Bakery until the cake is made. Breen had planned to eat the cake himself over the course of three days, washed down with tea and sometimes ordinary brown mineral or even water.
“He’ll be making that cake. Sure Dromore are shite. I’m not trying to be funny.”
Shock As Newly Wed Couple Perform Traditional First Dance
Despite rumours of an appearance by Elton John and the use of a herd of dancing elephants from Dublin Zoo, a newly wed couple from Benburb performed a traditional first dance at their wedding reception, slowly moving to Islands In The Stream by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers, much to the shock and awe of a 250-strong guest list.
Peter Small and Lisa Hughes, who married after a 15-year courtship, managed to fool onlookers by having fireworks, a troop of little people, dogs and a PSNI water cannon lying around the reception, sparking rumours of a spectacular opening dance. Video footage subsequently showed guests preparing themselves for the anticipated extravaganza up to 30 minutes before the dance by standing on chairs and setting up tripods.
Videographer Patsy Killen admitted he was blown away by their performance:
“I’d heard rumours that Peter was going to fling Lisa up on top of the chandelier that was going to turn into a diamond-studded staircase which she’d walk down whilst twerking to some rap tune about muthafookers. You know, the standard stuff. Well, our jaws dropped when we saw them move slowly to the dulcet tones of Dolly and Kenny.”
Still disbelieving, guests waited patiently for the track to change mid-song, probably sparking a dance routine involving the bridal party whipping each other and the groom’s aged grandfather dabbing furiously to Snoop Doggy Dog. When nothing happened and the song ended, the hall erupted into rapturous applause with some guests reportedly crying with happiness.
“I’ve never seen anything like it. Well since 1998 anyway. They just….slow danced. It was quite remarkable.”
Mr and Mrs Small also refused to have a chocolate fountain and turned down the opportunity to be photographed peering around a tree in the middle of a lake.
Mid Ulster Council Open Suggestion Box For Coalisland Barracks Replacement
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Following the demolishing of the Coalisland Barracks this week, the Mid-Ulster council have launched a competition to the public as to what should replace it.
Already there have been over 300 suggestions ranging from a new cinema where the currency is jam jars to a corn mill that actually sells corn.
Early indications show that the idea which has garnered most votes was the suggestion of the erection of a massive hand with the middle finger raised, pointing in the direction of Brackaville, closely followed by a Coalisland Fianna Centre of Excellence which rival wags from Clonoe have renamed the Coalisland Centre of Continued Mediocrity after yesterday’s heavy defeat in the county final.
Tyrone Tribulations got out and about in the town today to ask for ideas. The following list are a snapshot of the suggestions collated during a 3-hour period standing outside Tam Sullivans:
- a ski slope
- a digger-driver training centre
- an international airport
- a ‘Deadly Craic’ theatre
- a lethal chicane for doing handbrake turns coming off Plater’s Hill
- a big triangular spin washing line
- a checked shirt shop
- a boxing ring with barbed wire for ropes to settle family disputes
- a massive catapult to send parcels to family members down south or in England
- an arms dump (for old or broken prosthetic ams)
- a statue to Garth Brooks
The new initiative has created great buzz around the town and surrounding areas although rumours tonight suggest that the Planning Department may be considering a new PSNI station.
The idea of an 18-hole crazy golf course full of old bombed out helicopters for the more nostalgic ‘Islanders was thrown out as contentious.
Priest Admits He’s Not Deadly At Marriage Guidance
An Omagh clergyman has broken ranks from Church hierarchy by admitting he’s sort of out-of-his-depth preaching to couples about marriage and the trials and tribulations of the sacrament.
Fr Turley, who turned 68 on Monday, acknowledged that there were times that he was talking ‘completely out of his hole’ about love and relationships:
“There were times when I was talking completely out of my hole”
Turley’s revelation has already sparked a reaction from Rome. Vatican officials have sent missives to all priests which will be read out at Mass on Sunday across the country. It sets out to remind worshippers that:
- Priests are married to God and have the same ups and downs real people have
- Many priests were womanisers in their teens and sometimes into their 20s
- Maynooth Seminary had biology lessons once a year where priests learned all about how they were born
Fr Turley, however, rejects the latest directive:
“What the hell do I know about women? A husband came to me recently complaining that his wife isn’t interested in nocturnal activities any more. I just told him to say three Hail Marys and the Confiteor. I was completely out of my depth.”
Turley also admitted his visits to schools to talk about relationships and love usually ended up in children throwing rubbers and crayons at him.
Meanwhile, an ecclesiastical study by Queen’s university has revealed that over 70% of Eucharistic Ministers are ‘some of the biggest crooks in the community’, a claim Fr Turley refused to refute, instead laughing and muttering something about ‘don’t I know it’.
St Enda, The Patron Saint Of Flooding, A ‘Bad Choice’ For Omagh Says Priest
Following the postponement of the replayed Tyrone final between Killyclogher and Coalisland, a Tattyreagh priest warned the Omagh club that the weather will never be kind to them as long as they continue to pay homage to St Enda, the patron saint of flooding and drenchings.
St Enda, who was a lethal soldier in his day until his sister told him to quit the killing, was known for his ability to conjure serious bad weather, whether it was a call to military arms or the building of new monastery somewhere on an island. Fr McCabe maintains he lectured Omagh GAA officials that they’d have bad luck with his name:
“St Enda was a disaster with the weather. He once commissioned the building of a grotto in Glenelly and three men working on it perished with the cold, and it the middle of July. It’s no wonder that the Omagh pitch is no better than Dungannon swimming pool on its best days.”
However, the Chairman of St Enda’s in Glengormley Co Antrim maintains that this theory is ‘a load of shite’ and that ‘Omagh was always a bog of a field, saint or no saint’.
Meanwhile, it has emerged that a misunderstanding between county officials resulted in an alternative venue being overlooked in the event of bad weather. When asked to book a Plan B for Sunday, the treasurer hired London-born Plan B – the hip-hop recording artist – who insisted he was still paid for flying over to Omagh at short notice for what he thought was the half-time show.
Finally, Frank Mitchell has denied reports that he told Barra Best to tell Adrian Logan that Sunday would be the warmest day of the year. Logan has shouldered a lot of the blame for Sunday’s fiasco after tweeting his followers to bring their sun lotion on Sunday as he had it on good authority it’d be a scorcher. Mitchell and Logan fell out last year over the paying of a round of drinks at the George Best airport.
Ulster Council Officer Hospitalised With Third-Degree Burns After Championship Draw
An Ulster Council officer was said to be ‘comfortable’ this morning after he received serious burn damage to his hands and fingers seconds after drawing the tubes that sees Derry play Tyrone in next year’s Ulster Championship.
The draw, which was transmitted live on RTE2, also pitted Armagh against near neighbours Down to create two mouthwatering and lucrative fixtures for the Ulster Council. To his credit, the officer completed the draw process despite further damage to his hands when it emerged the Armagh and Down tubes were freezing cold.
An RTE studio manager attempted to explain the accident:
“It must have been the studio lights that made the Tyrone and Derry tubes heat up to 80 degrees celsius. Also, because of the length of time the draw took, the Armagh and Down tubes were like icicles by the time he got to them. That’s our explanation anyway. The Ulster man got a bit of a shock but he soldiered on through it, God help him.”
Meanwhile, neighbours confirmed that immediately after the draw was made Ronan O’Neill was spotted doing several dabs as he ran around his garden. Zachary Quinn from Gortin, a neighbour and friend, added:
“He was even doing dabs when he was getting into his motor this morning. He seems really pleased about something.”
Finally, RTE confirmed that Joe Brolly is to be given a specially-commissioned seat made of velcro to stop him sliding down off his seat in 2017.
Mid Ulster ‘Giant Gene’ Confirms Finn McCool Tackled Cookstown Woman
Following the news that mid-Ulster has been identified as a “giant hotspot” by scientists studying a gene defect which causes people to grow abnormally tall, a local long-standing old wives’ tale that Finn McCool spent a drunken night with a woman from Cookstown may actually be 100% true.
The gene can result in too much growth hormone, which is produced and released by the pituitary gland, a pea-sized gland just below the brain. It is believed that half the county have the gene though in most cases it’s rarely activated, going by the size of the Tyrone GAA team over the years.
Cookstown shopkeeper Benjamin Sheehy admitted that the development was not news to him:
“This part of the country is full of long, lanky bolloxes. See that man over there browsing around the magazine section, you should see the legs on his wife. Apparently they go the who way up.”
The Finn McCool tale was often passed off as a piece of local fiction but the news from the London School of Medicine Queen Mary appears to verify the story that he had a bit of luck with a local woman a few thousand years ago. Sheehy added:
“I’m not surprised, going by the calibre of men our women tackle outside the Greenvale on Saturday night . Anything goes it seems. McCool knew what he was at when he stopped off here. We’ve a bit of a reputation. Anyway, that’s why the Tall Ships never come here. They’re just normal ships to a lot of us.”
The Tyrone County Board have contacted as many carriers of the gene who are single at present in order to match them up so they may produce a couple of towering midfielders for 2034.
Coalisland Fianna Hire 1000 Dublin Supporters For Replay
Killyclogher are calling foul play after it emerged last night that over 1000 Dubs are making their way north by foot to Omagh on a daily basis to bolster the Coalisland support for the Tyrone Senior Final replay this Sunday.
In addition, it was revealed that the Fianna committee have paid for a dozen Dublin fans to arrive on the express train tomorrow morning to offer singing lessons to the Coalisland faithful including well known ditties such as ‘Come On You Boys In Blue’ and ‘Molly Malone’.
Killyclogher vice-chairman Mesut McCann blasted:
“It’s not against the rules but it’s against the spirit of the game. They’re trying to make their crowd look bigger and sound louder. It’s a disgrace but it’ll come back to bite them. There’ll be a thousands Dubs staggering around Coalisland on Sunday night and these boys wouldn’t be known for their affection for the law. I suppose they’ll blend in rightly then.”
The Dublin/Tyrone Supporters’ Club chairperson Ronald McSherry maintains that the Dublin fans are still match-fit after their recent extended run in the All-Ireland Series and will bring an unprecedented level of pure hallionism to Sunday’s affair.
Killyclogher’s plea for Omagh fans to attend in support was laughed out of it.
Sinn Fein To Host Buckfast Breakfast After Success Of DUP’s Champagne Lunch
Following the large turn out at the successful DUP Champagne Reception in an art gallery at the International Conference Centre in Birmingham, an East Tyrone Sinn Fein member has organised a Buckfast Breakfast in Coalisland where members and outsiders can come together and get lathered while chomping on Cookstown sausages and black puddings.
The innovative DUP initiative apparently saw members consume copious amounts of the devil’s buttermilk and, whilst under the influence, admit that a United Ireland mightn’t be that bad a thing really and that some Nationalists were actually dead on. Having sobered up by late evening, the DUP reverted back to their initial stance that Ulster is and always shall be British and that Nationalists are not to be trusted to even go to the shop for you.
Sinn Fein’s Malachy O’Neill is sure that a alcohol-fuelled event is the way to go:
“Adams is very keen about this. If they’re softening with a couple of Moets in them, what’ll they be like with a skinful of Buckfast in their system. We’re bringing along all sorts of contracts and agreement documents for them to sign whilst under the mellowing influence of the Lurgan Champagne. Might even get the curt from Arlene.”
O’Neill hopes that after the third bottle, Foster will hand over Tyrone, Fermanagh and Armagh, with Derry possibly needing a Barrack Buster thrown in.
Bull Arrested For Indecency Following New Bovine Crackdown Laws
A Ballycairn Tiergan bull has become the first victim of new draconian cattle laws which forbids various shows of indecency ranging from rampant defecation in public to open displays of romance.
The new ruling, introduced by the DUP’s Pastor William McGrin who retained his position last year as Minister for Standards and Decency, has come under fire in recent weeks for being obsolete as no beast had been convicted since its introduction.
However, PSNI officials confirmed that at 3:45pm today, a bull from Eskra was arrested for mounting three cows in the space of two hours in a field beside the local primary school.
Chief Constable Patrick Talbot confirmed:
“Today we received reports of a Tiergan bull indulging in lewd behaviour in full view of 150 schoolchildren as well as several elderly teachers who were treated for shock. On arrival, the bull continued to show no sign of control and continued to trouble the cows who just seemed to be interested in the grass. He also brazenly dunged when arrested.”
The constable revealed that Barry the bull continued to show complete disregard for authority by defecating all over the police van as well as in the incident room where he refused to answer any questions and wrecked the table.
“This is just the start. Some of the behaviour in the fields is almost worse than the scenes outside Sallys or Strabane on a Saturday night. We’ll take no prisoners. There will be many more Barrys, mark my words.”
A new Cattle Finishing School has been set up in Garvaghey to help worried farmers train their livestock to behave in a more refined manner.