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Tyrone Schools Participate In Inaugural Slagging Competition

a21dbba9-eb6c-40bf-b141-cb8f3cab4529-1In a landmark occasion, schools from Cookstown, Dungannon, Coalisland, Ballygawley and Omagh competed in the first Schools’ Slagging Gala which replaces the traditional debating competitions as of this year. 

Although Education Minister Peter Weir has yet to comment on the initiative, it is thought that the Tyrone Schools’ Slagging Gala will be used as a pilot for the rest of the country and will be monitored closely by his ministerial team.

The winners of the first ever competition was a Coalisland school who were judged to be ‘brutal slaggers‘ and ‘capable of shocking banter off the cuff‘ by the three-strong judging panel. They defeated hot favourites Ballygawley in the final when the East Tyrone school played their trump card by slagging the mothers of the Ballygawley pupils.

Chief judge Marian Maguire explained their decision:

“Coalisland showed a real talent for cutting their opponents to the bone. Ballygawley resorted to a lot of ‘aye yer ma’ or ‘you’ve a head on you like a cabbage’ which didn’t really seem to faze the eventual winners.”

It was in round two when Coalisland forged ahead when their captain called a Ballygawley contestant a ‘rare looking bastard‘ and followed up by labelling his opposite captain ‘as thick as a bull’s walt‘.

“After that, the Ballygawley school were easy fodder. They were finally defeated when a Coalisland lad said his opponent’s ma had a face on her like a bucket of smashed crabs. It was mightily impressive.

added Maguire.

The Coalisland school now go on to play the Belfast champions.

Moy Man Accused Of Cynically Ironing Wife’s Clothes And Sledging Children During Breakfast

Cynical ironing

Cynical ironing

A long-suffering Armagh wife as decided to strike while the iron is hot and highlight the ‘typical Tyronisms’ she’d had to put up with since marrying her Moy husband in 1995.

Conor Mackers (45) has been accused of cynically ironing and making dinner whilst indulging in verbals with his children before school every morning. Mrs Mackers also claimed her husband would throw himself to the ground when out walking and then blame her for pushing him.

Caroline Mackers explained:

“There’d be days he’s ironing my blouses and he’s deliberately and cynically burning tassels or sleeves. You’d see him smirking after. Then when he’s asking the children about school during breakfast he’s start sledging them about how crap they are at the writing or sums. He’s a modern Tyrone man to the core and not the man I thought I’d married back in ’95.”

Mrs Mackers revealed how he deliberately tripped himself queueing up for Communion and then blamed it on a man from Maghery who was three down from him.

“It’s getting worse. This morning he was pulling on his own shirt over his head and then started grappling with himself, ripping his own shirt off again and finally flung himself to the floor. If that wasn’t bad enough he began slagging himself. It’s very inconvenient when we’re in a rush.”

Conor Mackers has played down the allegations and asked the public not to be sucked in by the one-sided allegations, adding ‘it takes two to tango’.

Meanwhile the Moy’s ‘Sledging and Slagging Competition’ has received over 400 applications this year with reigning champion Ainsley Coney from Ardboe favourite to retain his title.

 

Brocagh Woman’s Main Form Of Exercise At Gym Is Slagging Other People

By Shengas McGlumphieshengas

It emerged yesterday that the main exercise a woman from Brocagh gets at the gym is from ripping the back out of other people. Marie McAleese, 36, from Mountjoy Road, has been spending around three nights a week at Gold’s Gym in Coalisland, in case Obama pops in to the local Asda where she works to pick up some sandwiches and the like.

“I’m not meaning to be unkind, but I was at the gym water fountain last week just giving my lashes a wee touch-up and I spotted this wan dolled up to the nines”, commented McAleese. “For the gym like? She looked like a wrestler in drag, all spandex and attitude. When she started doing the squats I didn’t know where to look. Disgraceful. I watched her for about 15 minutes and caught her giving me this filthy stare. Jaysus, there are some wicked hoors in that place”.

McAleese also recognised a work colleague with whom she works at Asda.

“Every time she’s in the butcher department she’s gigglin’ and flirtin’ away with yer man behind the counter. She ought to be ashamed, her married an’ all. I’ll bet she’s been getting more than just a sirloin steak, that’s all I’m sayin’. No wonder she’s on the rowing machine so often. Trying to build the strength up in her back I’d say”.

McAleese went on,

“And I was at the zumba class having a wee seat to give my thyroid a rest, and I was watching this wan bouncing about in the leotard like she was off of Baywatch. Baywatch? Crimewatch more like. Face like a melted wellie. You could feel the floor thumpin’ like there was an earthquake going on. Tara”, she declared. “And I saw her in the gym café afterwards, eating a Shape yoghurt. The way she was going at it was like a labrador eating custard. Disgusting”.

McAleese’s comments have not been confined to the gym.

“I was at the Balmoral Show the other week, which wasn’t easy in 9-inch heels and a micro skirt and the field like a bog but I carried it off. Anyway, you should have seen some of the poor cows on display. Half of them looked riddled with disease. I was fair put off my WKD Blue after I saw all those flies buzzin’ round their backsides. And the cattle were no better”.

McAleese is looking forward to getting more exercise later in the month when she attends the Strictly Come Dancing event in Pomeroy with her grand-daughter.

Omagh Journalist Hires Personal Security After Goading Utd Fans

Outside Omagh offices this morning

Outside Omagh offices this morning

In a bizarre development, roving journalist Roger McGuinness was seen walking into his Omagh offices this morning surrounded by a bevy of American-style security men in sunglasses talking down into their wrists. In what he is now calling ‘a severe backlash’, McGuinness took to social networking last night to wind up as many Manchester United fans humanly possible within an hour of the English soccer club’s demise in a top European competition. Misjudging the chronic disappointment of their fans, the freelance hack received a torrent of abuse initially before things took a turn for the worse overnight.

“Jaysus boys it’s tarra. I was only having a laugh like – the sort of barstool slagging you’d dish out in Sally’s or Tessie’s. I didn’t realise how serious these boys took it all. At the start it was just the odd gentle bad-tempered reply. Soon it got personal. I was up at three o’clock this morning hosing down grown men who were dancing on top of my motor shouting “Twelve Cantonas” or something like that whilst giving me the fingers. I never slept a wink.”

McGuinness immediately contacted Fermanagh novelist Damien Brogg who suffered the same fate after claiming in his highly-acclaimed book that Donegal smelt of vomit most of the time.

“I knew Brogg had been through this too. I remember he said men from Donegal would just stare through the kitchen window of his house in Fermanagh at night for six months after the book launch, as a form of silent psychological intimidation. He put me onto these six boys from New York who used to look after Tom McDermott from Greencastle after he came out of the Big Brother house. So far so good. They’ve managed to stretch out three United fans who went for me in the Centra this morning. I’ll not be letting my guard down yet and ironically saw a martial-arts course flyer in Pomeroy this morning. I’ll be fly-kicking these boys soon myself.”

McGuinness says his slagging days are well and truly behind him though he claims he might have one more shot at Liverpool supporters before the season finishes.

paul g moss

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