By Shengas McGlumphie

It emerged yesterday that the main exercise a woman from Brocagh gets at the gym is from ripping the back out of other people. Marie McAleese, 36, from Mountjoy Road, has been spending around three nights a week at Gold’s Gym in Coalisland, in case Obama pops in to the local Asda where she works to pick up some sandwiches and the like.

“I’m not meaning to be unkind, but I was at the gym water fountain last week just giving my lashes a wee touch-up and I spotted this wan dolled up to the nines”, commented McAleese. “For the gym like? She looked like a wrestler in drag, all spandex and attitude. When she started doing the squats I didn’t know where to look. Disgraceful. I watched her for about 15 minutes and caught her giving me this filthy stare. Jaysus, there are some wicked hoors in that place”.

McAleese also recognised a work colleague with whom she works at Asda.

“Every time she’s in the butcher department she’s gigglin’ and flirtin’ away with yer man behind the counter. She ought to be ashamed, her married an’ all. I’ll bet she’s been getting more than just a sirloin steak, that’s all I’m sayin’. No wonder she’s on the rowing machine so often. Trying to build the strength up in her back I’d say”.

McAleese went on,

“And I was at the zumba class having a wee seat to give my thyroid a rest, and I was watching this wan bouncing about in the leotard like she was off of Baywatch. Baywatch? Crimewatch more like. Face like a melted wellie. You could feel the floor thumpin’ like there was an earthquake going on. Tara”, she declared. “And I saw her in the gym café afterwards, eating a Shape yoghurt. The way she was going at it was like a labrador eating custard. Disgusting”.

McAleese’s comments have not been confined to the gym.

“I was at the Balmoral Show the other week, which wasn’t easy in 9-inch heels and a micro skirt and the field like a bog but I carried it off. Anyway, you should have seen some of the poor cows on display. Half of them looked riddled with disease. I was fair put off my WKD Blue after I saw all those flies buzzin’ round their backsides. And the cattle were no better”.

McAleese is looking forward to getting more exercise later in the month when she attends the Strictly Come Dancing event in Pomeroy with her grand-daughter.