Monthly Archives: July 2013

Cappagh Beauty Queen Contestant Accidentally Wins Local Gurning Competition

Miss Cappagh/Gurner

Miss Cappagh/Gurner

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIEshengas

Locals were left in confusion on Saturday afternoon at the Cappagh Summer Show after the gurning competition was accidentally won by a woman who had intended to the enter the ‘Miss Cappagh 2013’ contest.

It is thought that the judging process became confused after several of the judges had participated in the ‘Poitin Supplier of the Year’ competition, a hotly-contested category featuring different substances made variously of potatoes, barley, and water.

Clearly worse-for-wear head judge, local car-wash team leader Thomas McIlhenny, said,

“Ah sure, we had had a whole clatter of pints before the day started and the craytur on top. It was all a bit bewildering to be honest. This big lassie came up onto the stage, carrying plenty of timber. It did seem a bit odd her going in for the gurning wearing a swimsuit and talking about how she wanted nothing more than world peace and the new Nathan Carter album, but then I thought nothing of it. To be honest I had trouble seeing straight by that time. Then she started pulling all them grotesque faces like she was havin’ a fit. It was enough to bring the poitin back up. I thought she was a class act, mad for the gurning like. By the time we realised the mistake, it was too late. And we didn’t want to make a fuss. You know what Cappagh’s like. We’ve always been a really tolerant bunch”.

Fortunately, there will be no appeal:

“I was initially confused then surprised then shocked then a bit confused again”, said 26 year old winner Sinead Boyle from through a horse’s collar. “I’m happy now though. The prize for the gurning was a 10-second trolley dash down the biscuit aisle of Costcutter’s in Galbally, so I’m really pleased. I wasn’t really sure about entering the beauty competition anyway after I got my two front teeth kicked out by a heifer last year, but my ma persuaded me to go in for it”.

She did great so she did”, said delighted mother Mary, a part-time cushion fluffer from Corlea Road. “Wee Sinead’s got a lazy eye and I think she must’ve went up onto the wrong stage. Still, she did us proud. We’ve enough Gypsy Creams to last us a year”.

In what is believed to be a further blunder by the judges, the beauty contest was eventually won by a 1982 light-blue Massey Ferguson MF82 tractor.

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McDonald’s Announces Extended Menu In Tattyreagh. Exclusive to Tyrone Residents

Tattyreagh captain this morning

Tattyreagh captain this morning

BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIEshengas

McDonald’s in Tattyreagh today confirmed the introduction of a new range of super-super-sized portions of some of their most popular lines specifically designed for the residents of Tyrone, after a survey showed that what people really wanted were bigger portions of cholesterol.

“Our customers in Tattyreagh simply wanted more. They kept complaining that the portions weren’t satisfying their appetites. Ordinary big plates of food weren’t hitting the mark. What they really want is feckin’ enormous piles of food. They just can’t get enough”, said 16 year old restaurant manager Sean Moore.

Saturday saw the introduction of a ‘Skip of Chips’, and a ‘Lorryload of Onion Rings’, both of which were warmly welcomed by residents.

“Mighty”, said 32-stone man Sidney Clarke, who had travelled from Cabragh to be one of the first to order the new ‘Trough of Baked Beans’. “If you ask thon boys to Sumo-Size your order they’ll do it”, said Clarke through a mouthful of Quadruple Cheeseburger and Diet Coke. “You can almost feel your arteries hardening with every bite. You simply can’t go wrong”.

Other diners at the popular fast food restaurant enjoyed a ‘Bathful of Pop Tarts’ whilst children were invited to try the new ‘Gallon of Milkshake’, a mouth-watering bucket of strawberry-flavoured cola milkshake.

“I’m lovin’ it!” joked mother-of-three Nuala Morgan from Eskra, “And so are the kids. We brought them here last night and we didn’t hear a word from them for the whole meal. In fact, they were quiet for the entire night. And most of today come to think of it. Still, it only cost £2.20 to feed the four of us, so I’m not complaining”.

Later this month Tattyreagh regulars can look forward to ordering a ‘Ditch of Coleslaw’. All of the items in the new range cost 39p.

Siege Of Ballinderry Update

Leaked rebel map

Leaked rebel map

American news outlets have been keeping the world abreast of the situation in Ballinderry following yesterday’s decision to re-allocate the whole of the parish back into Tyrone by changing the flow of the Ballinderry River.

Fox News confirmed that the anti-government forces (Ballinderry Rebels), led by Commander McGuckin, have managed to hold the townlands of Ballydonnell, Ballylifford, Ballyronan Beg and Killymuck. Unfortunately, they suffered great casualties in Ardagh and Ballymultrea which have fallen to Tyrone/PSNI forces. Five rebels were caught and are now being interrogated at the Battery Bar.

Surprisingly, Cm McGuckin has gone on the offense since that loss and have annexed Lanaglug and Mullan Upper from the Tyrone side using a 1966 Wolseley equipped with heavy duty water pistols from Smith’s Store in Magherafelt. Fighting in Mullan Lower is on-going with the rebel forces gaining ground due to Patsy Muldoon, the bare-fist champion from 1961, who simply threatened to come out of retirement and box the head off any Tyrone man or woman for that matter. As the leaked map shows, the Ballinderry rebels are planning to continue their march into Tyrone by taking Ardboe and beyond.

Sky News were chased from Belagherty for asking if anyone knew the way to Brocagh.

Meanwhile, Ballinderry traditional band have commissioned a new song to commemorate the battle called the ‘Siege of Ballinderry’. So far they have the first two lines done:

It was on a late July morning / When McGuckin rose from bed

We’ll bate them red arses back to Tyrone / He’s reported to have said

Civil War Unavoidable As Tyrone Lay Claim To Ballinderry Outright

Tyrone champions 2014?

Tyrone champions 2014?

Tensions are running high tonight in Ballinderry after a leaked document from the ‘maps department’ at Stormont indicates that Ballinderry will now be considered wholly in Tyrone, starting from August 1st, after a re-alignment of the Ballinderry River.

The Ballinderry parish has long straddled the Tyrone border with the sizeable Ballylifford village until now claimed as being on the Derry side with Derrychrin, a much more civilised community, on the Tyrone side. The Ballinderry River was seen as the natural geographical border but that is about to change with the proposed new route for the river. A Tyrone county council spokesman told us:

“If the rumours are true, then this is class news. Everyone knows that the best looking women at the Greenvale come from the Derry side of the river. Our parents didn’t allow us to fraternize with them for obvious reasons. More importantly, Ballinderry’s All-Ireland title in 2002 is now on our records. We will be parading that team around Omagh tomorrow week. I also believe they won 12 Derry titles. Those sides will now play our champions for that same year. The 1927 fixture will be hard to fix up against Donaghmore Eire ogs.”

Not all welcomed the news with such good humour. An elderly local, named simply as “McGuckin”, reacted angrily:

“Balls to this. We won’t go down without a fight. We used to bate the shite out of them Moortown and Ardboe ones on the field. We’ll do the same on our doorsteps when they come for us. We’ll lay waste to the land as a last resort. There’s no way I’m shouting for the red arses next year. Yiz can take Derrychrin but we’ll be Oak Leafers til the deathbed.”

The PSNI have issued a warning to anyone resisting the swtichover that they will be dealt with severely. On August 2nd, houses north of the river will be searched and any pictures of Dana, Seamus Heaney, Henry Downey, Enda Muldoon or Conleith Gilligan will be destroyed. Small statues of Frank McGuigan and Chris Lawn have been sent to all households in the present Derry region of the parish to help them acclimatise to the new changes. The whole of Lissan might be given to Derry as a thank you.

Massive Water Slide Planned for Dungannon

Trials of slide in Eglish

Trials of slide in Eglish

shengasBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

Dungannon residents were celebrating yesterday over plans agreed for the town to get its own quarter-mile long open-air water slide.

“We’re delighted”, said local Councillor Declan Brady. “It’s going to run down the hill on Scotch Street from Thomas Street. We’ll give people a free tub of Vaseline if they’re not going fast enough, or if the fat ones get a bit stuck. We don’t want a pile-up outside Sammy Trotter’s. The slide ends in the freezer aisle of Tesco so people can get a wee Cornetto if they’re a bit hot. Mighty”.

The announcement comes after the ill-timed Dungannon open-air ice rink opened last Saturday in Dungannon Square and promptly closed down just three hours later owing to ‘surface temperature problems’, when all the ice melted and flooded Boots. Brady is hoping for greater success with the ‘Flume of Doom’.

“Them boys from Disney in Americay will come knocking once they see this yolk. Their water slides only go downhill. Ours will go up the hill as well. Or it will just as soon as we’ve sorted out the anti-gravity situation. And if that doesn’t work we’ll hire one of thon big water cannon trucks from Belfast and we’ll just blast people back up the slide. They won’t mind. Especially the Granville ones”.

The timing of the announcement comes in the middle of the warmest summer in the county for several years, prompting residents to start rolling up long johns, sticking their arses into fridges, and showering weekly whether they need to or not.

Environmentalist have expressed concerns about potential water wastage.

“No problem. That’s why we’re banning the drinking of water with immediate effect throughout the County”, countered Brady. “If it gets any worse we might have to impose a hosepipe ban, but obviously that’s a last resort. And people should be looking at other ways to cut down, like fattening up the weans so that they’ll take up less water in the bath”.

The open-air slide is expected to be operational by December.

Galbally’s “Sober For July” Project Shows Mixed Results

Typical Galbally man in July

Typical Galbally man in July

An initiative by Galbally Civil Council to sober up the locals for a full month has witnessed varying degrees of success. Whilst random lane-brawling has seen a decrease in incidents, the side effects of a much soberer community have been devastating. The self-styled ‘King of Galbally’ Pat Tally (50) offered an insight into life in Galbally over the last month:

“It hasn’t been great, personally. After about three days of sobriety, the wife was sufficiently dried out to take a good look at me. It dawned on her that I looked a bit like that elephant man boy. Whilst intoxicated she must’ve thought I was Galbally’s answer to Robert Redford, and we’ve been married 28 years. She won’t even look at me now without either laughing or retching. It’s cat altogether. I wish she’d take a charge at it so we could get back to marital ignorance.”

Housewife Roisin Murphy (29) revealed other crippling side effects of sobriety in the area:

“Before the hubby sobered up, he was a great handyman. Plumbing, wiring, hammering – he could do it all. Now he cannot even dig a hole. He’s a useless lump. It seems that the stout gave him some sort of super-powers. Others are saying the same. Galbally’s falling down around us as the men are now reading books and writing oul stupid love poems. This sober craic is a disaster around here. The cattle are learning to milk each other, that’s how bad the neglect is”.

Some residents have welcomed the period of sobriety. Johnny Nugent (44) says he’s a changed man:

“Jaysus, I’m a new man. This morning I made toast and tea for the whole family. I never thought I could do that a month ago. I shower nearly every other day and the wife and I have had some deadly kissing sessions. In the past I’d have headed out the door to the site without spakin a word, with three half’uns already in me. Flip, I mightn’t drink again.”

The ‘Sober for July’ experiment ends on Wednesday

 

Council to Remove ‘Kill’ From All Tyrone Place Names. ‘Doesn’t Sound Nice’.

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BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIEshengas

East Tyrone Council last night confirmed that it intends to phase out ‘Kill’ or ‘Kil’ prefixes or suffixes to all place names in Tyrone over the next 12 months, and replace them with ‘something nicer’.

Over-excited councillor Paddy Donnelly explained the thinking behind the idea.

“Places starting with ‘Kill’ is a hangover from the times when people were cuttin’ the lining out of each other during the times of the pollan fish riots and such like. We’re more civilised now. It’s time to move on”.

Pointing out the fact to Donnelly that ‘kill’ is a derivative of the Irish ‘cil’, meaning ‘church’, was met with scepticism.

“What? Don’t take me for a mug. What’s churches got to do with killing each other, except when it comes to getting out the car park after mass on a Sunday? ‘Kill’ frightens young children and old people, plain and simple. I’ve seen pensioners quaking in their shoes walking into Killyman. And what about people’s human rights? They might get all intimidated and start thinking of killing and death and stuff. We’d get the blame if someone suddenly went mental with a big stick in Kildress and slaughtered pets. Or should I say, ‘Quaredress’.

Under the proposal, all place names that start with ‘Kill’ or ‘Kil’ are to be replaced with nicer, more tourist-friendly words. From 1st January 2014 ‘Killeeshil’ is changed to ‘Lovely-leeshil’ and ‘Killyclogher’ becomes ‘Prettyclogher’.

“Think it through”, insisted Donnelly. “Tourists will love coming into Kissyman. We’ll be fightin’ off Americans off with a stick. It sounds deadly. So does Drumnacuddly. If them ones in Derry can mess about with all their ‘London Stroke Derry’ stuff, we can do the same. It’s a winner”.

The initiative coincides with a re-vamp of the Tyrone Tourist Board advertising campaign. The previous slogan which has been used since 1987, ‘County Tyrone: For All Your Bog Requirements’ will be replaced in 2014 with the more welcoming, ‘Come To Tyrone. You’ll Never Get Better’.

Next Series Of Downton Abbey To Be Based In Killeeshil

Your average Killeeshil abode

Your average Killeeshil abode

shengasBY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE

The BBC have refused to confirm or deny an increasing number of rumours that the next series of Downton Abbey will be filmed in Killeeshil.

The British period drama, set in the fictional Yorkshire country estate of Downton Abbey, depicts the lives of the aristocratic Crawley family and their servants in the post-Edwardian era. However, recent cuts at the BBC mean they can no longer afford the cost of filming at Highclere Castle in Hampshire, the location used for the first three series of the programme.

An unconfirmed and exceptionally unreliable source said that Julian Fellowes, the writer of the series, had privately admitted that the series was inspired from driving through the townland of Killeeshil whilst looking for Quinn’s Corner when he was holidaying in the county in 2002.

Allegedly, the original description by Fellowes was that Downton Abbey would be based on somewhere that was “nearly as posh as some of them upper-class Killeeshil hoors but not as ruthless”, and that the description of Lord Grantham, the central character, was of ‘a big tall eejit, probably from Killeeshil, but definitely somewhere around there’.

Killeeshil residents however dismissed the descriptions of them as being ‘heartless and discriminatory’. A local landowner, who asked not to be named, stopped hunting swans on his property for a short while to respond to the rumours.

“To make us out to be all posh and out of touch is ridiculous. Killeeshil has come a long way over the years. Yes, we have servants like in the programme and whilst we do still very occasionally hit them obviously it’s only with an open palm. We’re not barbarians you know”.

Asked if he had ever watched actually the drama, the man said,

“Nearly. I was watching the news at Christmas and my wife said that Downton Abbey was on. I didn’t know where the thing was for changing the TV channel and then I remembered it was his day off, so we never got round to watching it. Listen, anyone is welcome to come and see how we live. We’re just like the ordinary folks down in the villages eating their chips and fish and champs and whatnot. Come and visit us anytime. As long as it’s before 8 o’clock. That’s when the drawbridge goes up”

Silent Treatment Begins As Aghyaran Man Forgets Wedding Anniversary

Mary, a few mins ago

Mary, a few mins ago

A 47 year old chimney cleaner from Aghyaran says he’s preparing for ‘the guts of a month’ of silent treatment after forgetting his 20th wedding anniversary.

Patsy Devine, who claims to have forgotten the date only ‘5 or 6 times’ before this one, and Mary McLoughlin were married on the 23rd July 1993 at a fairytale ceremony in the village that had balloons and all. Mary maintains this might be the final straw:

“He’s one gope. He said to me in the morning if I needed anything from the shop. I was sure he was getting some kind of memento for the occasion. He came back with some wheaten bread, cat food and the Irish News. I let it go in case it was some big plan to wind me up. He then got up during breakfast and said he had to get something from the car. I was convinced this was the big moment. He came back in with toilet roll and proceeded to sit on the toilet for 45 minutes. Things only got worse from then on in.”

The penny dropped with Patsy after Mary spilled his spaghetti bolognese over his lap.

“I knew this wasn’t an accident. I was wrecking my head and it finally dawned on me when I was talking to my Derry neighbour. I remembered they won the All Ireland a couple of months after we got married. I rushed out and bought the last bunch of flowers at the garage but they were a bit measly looking and stank of diesel. The woman says they’d been there since Mother’s Day. Well, when I handed them to Mary she just looked at them and set them alight. The diesel was fairly potent.”

Devine has enrolled in a body language course in Clady to see if he can read signals until she starts talking again. With the 20th anniversary traditionally celebrated with porcelain, Devine is considering getting Mary porcelain veneers for her ‘unsightly gnashers’.

Royal Birth A Relief To Foremen Across The County. Coalisland Man To Take Pics.

Coalisland, earlier

Coalisland, earlier

Foremen from across the county breathed a sigh of relief after a day of minimal productivity as builders kept checking their phones to see if Prince William in England had a baby yet. The birth tonight means work levels should return to normal unless they start debating names. Henry Henderson of Coalisland, who’s overseeing the construction of a new coal museum in the town, says hardly a brick was built today:

“Well that was a disaster, like. I have 22 lads on site here and all they did was check their phones for Facebook and twitter updates on that buckin woman. One fellow, from Annaghmore, failed to attend the birth of his own child today in case he missed out on the craic with the lads if the other one was born in England. The country has couped. I blame Sky TV and that Graham Norton boy”.

Dermot Devlin from Crannagh, a plumber at the site, says he was looking forward to a good sleep tonight.

“Jaysus us I never slept a wink last night over the head of it. All I could think of was oul William pacing the hospital’s corridors and yer woman screaming. Then there’s the oul Queen and her maybe suffering in the heat with the crown on and all that regalia. She didn’t need to be worrying about this. I’ll have a beer tonight.”

Other major news tonight from Coalisland has shocked the world’s paparazzi as local photographer Olly Carr has been chosen to take the first pics of the child. A shellshocked Carr told us:

“Holy God. Surely not. All I have is a wee disposable yoke from Boots after my main contraption melted at Peatland’s Park yesterday. This is some handlin. I wouldn’t even know what road to take to get to Buckingham. I think the M1 would be quickest. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t excited like. I’ll take a few close ups of yer woman houlin the chile saying ‘cheese’ and then get out. What is she called anyway? Hope there’s sandwiches laid on”.

World’s Wisest Man Found In Brackaville

O'Hanlon, this morning

O’Hanlon, this morning

Last night it emerged that the world’s wisest man is currently living in Brackaville and has lived there all his life. This startling claim was backed up by his wife who says he probably knows everything about everything. Bus shelter painter Leo O’Hanlon (66) maintains he can solve every problem on the planet and beyond, from global warming to not losing odd socks. Leo makes most of his proclamations from a bar stool in any of Coalisland’s famed watering holes.

“Aye he’s some pup,” claimed borderline alcoholic Jemmy Kettle. “Just last night he solved world hunger. Leo says if you plant more oranges, peas, spuds and stuff like that inside greenhouses in Africa then the searing Sahara heat will not affect them. The man’s a genius. On Friday he told us how to beat Kildare. It was simple really but brilliant thinking. He said if you take your points the goals will come. Lo and behold, that’s what happened. This stuff must be filtering back to Mickey”.

O’Hanlon also claims to have solved the recession. He suggests that the bankers do about 140 or 15o charity walks each and the money raised pays off the national debt. His sister, Jackie, added:

“This man’s vast intellect knows no bounds. I remember when he was about 20 or 22 and he was able to answer about maybe a dozen puzzles on Catchphrase on the TV, sometimes even before the contestants did. We used to just stare at him in awe. You could nearly see his brain moving. When he was in P6 at the Primate Dixon the teacher said he was “hateful but potentially bright” in the school report. We knew we had a star on our hands, right here in Brackaville too.”

O’Hanlon was too inebriated last night to comment but even in that state he was able to offer brilliant advice to the girl in Landi’s about how to sprinkle the chips with just the right amount of salt using an unusual wrist action, before being barred for lewd remarks.

People Queued Up For 5 Hours in Newtownstewart For Nothing

Queue to nowhere

Queue to nowhere

A 3-mile long queue in Newtownstewart turned out to be pointless, after a 5-hour wait for whatever it was they were meant to be queuing for ended quietly at 3pm this evening. 23 people were treated for sunstroke whilst another two were hospitalised over a row about the Fermanagh fracking situation.

The queue began after two boys (Tom Chapman and Barry Keating) stopped for a chat outside the pharmacy to discuss the previous night’s episode of Emerdale. Within 20 mins, a queue the whole way down the whole of the Main Street had formed as people mistakenly waited patiently on what the people in from were waiting for. Jackie McConnell, who was about 150th in the queue, explained:

“Aye, it was a bit of a waste of time. It’s very hard to resist a queue though isn’t it. You’re awful afeard of someone getting something you might like and them boasting about it in the pub. I’ve had nothing to eat since last night and only headed out to get a loaf of bread for the family. Jaysus, they’ll be starving too. That was five hours ago”.

Chapman and Keating filled the five hours debating Syria, Guantanamo, the price of steak, the GAA, Mick Jagger, Mrs Kelly’s skirt last week, magic, leaking valves, Korea, the weather, existentialism, itchy arses and the Eurovision amongst other things, before saying their goodbyes.

The PSNI refused to comment after it was revealed four of their officers were also in the queue, and getting paid for it. Of the 2612 in the queue, 909 were teachers. 2490 were men. Stewards also appeared from nowhere to direct the queue.

Good Weather Sees Rise In Safari Animals Wandering Tyrone

Lion on bus to Omagh

Lion on bus to Omagh

The recent good spell has sparked a rise in desert mammals popping up across the county according to animal spotter Hugh Pat Bonner from Ardboe. Elephants in Eskra, gazelles in Greencastle and camels in Carrickmore have become the norm as the animals acclimatise to the balmy mid-Ulster climate. Bonner admitted that even he was surprised to see an alligator drinking out of a ditch outside the Battery bar.

“Aye, thon was a bit of a shock. What surprised me most was that the alligator just nodded at me like as if he’s been here for years. My brother said he saw a cheetah in Moortown chasing after midges. I wonder do these animals lie dormant in Ireland until we get Sahara-like weather.”

John Agnew admitted he now misses being stuck behind cattle on the road to Dungannon compared to what’s happening now:

“I was on the Killeeshil Road yesterday and was caught behind a herd of elephants heading towards Castlecaulfield. You think cow-pats are bad. These boys drop monster-sized dungs and then swipe the stuff at your windscreen with their trunks. Then from the Killyliss Road we were attacked by a shower of monkeys. I’ll never complain again about oul Cullen’s cattle.”

Carrickmore residents however have welcomed the arrival of 44 camels. Mary Kelly, a lady of the night, admitted:

“They’ve been a welcome addition to the Carmen landscape. These boys can haul 600 bales no bother and only need a spoonful of water. Also, their milk is less fattening. Women are drinking straight from the teet and are losing pounds by the day. And the humps are good oul craic too.”

However, an oranguan in Donemana is proving to be a social pest, spying on women getting ready by hanging upside down from guttering.

Crucial Talks Between Springsteen And Harte Remain Deadlocked

BRUCEHAR1In an unprecedented move, US ambassador for Ireland Hank Power has arrived in Clones to broker a peace deal between Bruce Springsteen and Mickey Harte who have been at loggerheads for 24 hours over the timing of Saturday’s concert and Tyrone/Kildare game. Delegations for both parties arrived in Clones on Tuesday morning to thrash out a deal that hoped to see Springsteen delay the start of his concert til about 11pm to cater for the returning Tyrone fans from Newbridge.

After three hours of stalemate, Harte and Springsteen arrived to slug it out head to head with both in bad twist about being woken up. It is understood that Harte promised to win or lose the game in normal time so that there’d be no extra time and all fans and players would be at the King’s Hall by 11 if he delayed it to then. An eye witness told us that Springsteen lost the head:

“Bruce lost the bap completely like. The veins were showing in his neck and he was saying things like ‘You think you’re the boss. I’m the boss goddamit’. Harte was giving it out well. He was shouting ‘Born In The USA? I was born in Glencull and don’t you forget it.’ I thought the boxing was about to start.”

Springsteen attempted a compromise by suggesting he put a big screen up showing the game so that Tyrone supporters could enjoy both at the same time. He said he’d even sing Old Ardboe or the Hills Above Drumquin. Harte rejected the offer, stating that it would affect the players knowing their family and friends were at the concert. Things turned nasty with Springsteen saying the “Glory Days” were well and truly over for Tyrone and that Mugsy should be in the squad. Harte told Bruce he could ‘sing none’ and that in terms of another All-Ireland he was still very much a ‘hungry Harte’.

Talks continue.

Moy Man Spotted Clapping And Smiling At Armagh Game. Public Punishment Considered.

The man.

The man, masked.

Photographic and video footage has finally confirmed rumours that a high profile Moy man, locally named as ‘Mac’, was seen openly smiling and even clapping as Armagh struck eight goals past Leitrim last weekend. The man’s best friend has moved quickly to defend the once-popular clubman by explaining to journalists gathered outside Tomney’s that he was only putting it on to impress a woman from Armagh he’d been chasing for a while. Locals, however, are refusing to accept this theory. Tom Donaghy (67) said:

“Listen, if God himself said he was an Armagh man I still wouldn’t be smiling and clapping when they scored. I’d rather be savaged by a pack of ravenous hounds. I’ve had my suspicions about this fellow for years now. He has a history of straddling the Blackwater. This man needs to be tied to a tree in the middle of the village with a sign hanging around his neck saying “Up Armagh”. Unfortunately he might like that though.”

The man’s family are refusing to comment though an unnamed cousin claimed he’s not surprised:

“Ah he’s an old romantic. One time he was going with a French girl and he started wearing stripy jumpers and berets. It didn’t make him any less a Tyrone man. Smiling at an Armagh goal might be hard for some to swallow but there’s worse things out there. However, if he did clap I cannot defend him. I would disown the fella too. A flogging might be justified here. See if he goes to Galway this weekend….”

The Moy GAA committee have called an extraordinary meeting to decide on how they will deal with the whole debacle. Video footage is being closely studied with lip-readers expected to confirm whether he said “deadly stuff” after the 6th goal. ‘Mac’ is expected to claim an unreasonable hatred of Leitrim in his defence.

Water Cannons May Be Deployed At The Glenelly Rockin By The River Festival

Glenelly this weekend, possibly

Glenelly this weekend, possibly

The Glenelly Rockin By The River Festival organisers have reminded punters that they won’t be trigger-shy if things cut up rough during the Nathan Carter concert and have especially warned women who may let excitement get the better of them. Having watched with interest the goings-on in Belfast at the weekend, Glenelly officials were quick to ask for a loan of one of the water cannons but added a sinister warning:

“Let us assure you, we’ll be testing this yoke to its capacity. And it’ll not just be water coming out of it if people don’t behave.”

Organisers have drawn up a list of potential troublemakers, topped by women from Plumbridge who have a reputation for going ‘buck mad’ when they hear country music.

“Yes, it is true that Plumbridge women are high on our radar, especially after they wrecked the hall during Hugo’s charity concert last summer. Any sign of wrecking during Carter’s concert and they’ll be getting the hose on them. Even if we think we don’t like the look of someone they’ll be sent 60ft into the air without warning. We’ll show these PSNI ones how it’s done.”

The use of dye in the water has not been ruled out as well as throwing in a distinctive odour.

“The Chinese wouldn’t be behind the door when it comes to using dye. We’ll be spraying pink at drunken lads. Also, a fertiliser will be added if Carter is inundated with women’s knickers. Tam Jones emailed us to say he wished he’d done a concert in Glenelly if that had been the policy back in his day.”

Organisers have added that there’s almost a 99% chance of the water cannon being deployed during the More Power To Your Elbow concert on Saturday, simply to give the locals a “much-needed wash” for Mass the next day. Shower gel will be added.

Dark Secret Discovered In Derrylaughan

Derrylaughan, this morning

Derrylaughan, this morning

Top secret papers were today discovered in a bin near the Washingbay which suggest that a 100-year campaign of manufactured romances, courtships and marriages has resulted in 99% of children born in Derrylaughan having the perfect physical characteristics for stooling turf.

Although not as severe as the US and Nazi methods of ‘eugenics’ over 100 years ago which saw the sterilisation of people they thought were ‘weak’, it is clear that men or women who did not have good long arms and curved back for the bog had their romances sabotaged by all manner of skulduggery.

Susie McAliskey, a 67 year old spinster who now lives in California, claims it all makes sense now:

“Even though I was the prettiest girl in the area, I never seemed to be able to get a man. Any time I did a bit of flirting down at the club or in Falls’ Bar, the lad would mysteriously go home or disappear for a year or two. It happened nearly every time. One fella even told me he couldn’t go out with me as he heard I had a big moustache. I told him to look at me sure I had the smoothest skin in Ireland. He just ran away. Now I know that ‘the lads’ were sabotaging my chances by having a word in the ear of any potential suitors. All because I hadn’t the perfect features for stooling turf.”

The secret papers reveal that parents were asked to identify children who weren’t good at stooling so that the Derrylaughan Betterment Committee could keep an eye that they didn’t strike up any courtships within the townland. Suspected Ex-committee member Barney Taggert claims it’s an exaggeration.

“The fact that nearly every child born here has the perfectly bent spine and long arms is simply down to the diet here of pollans and cabbage. Nothing sinister there. Susie McAliskey did have a moustache by the way. It was blonde so it was mostly camouflaged.”

The documents have been passed on to the United Nations who have reiterated they’re not afraid to send in troops to stop this practice.

Early reports suggest that almost three thousand 18-20 year olds with straight backs and normal arms were ‘encouraged’ to leave Derrylaughan, settling in England, Australia, USA or closer to Coalisland since 1920.

Ballygawley Priest, Banned From Singing During Mass, To Defy Orders.

Shevlin during the Our Father

Shevlin during the Our Father

A Ballygawley clergyman has been told by his peers to cut out the singing parts during any service due to complaints from the congregation that it was setting off hearing aids and bothering babies. Fr Shelvin (61) has been PP in the area for a few years and often sang up to 50% of the mass, even bits of his homily. The church sacristan, Maggie McAleer, maintains it was about time action was taken:

“I vividly recall the first time I heard him sing. It was like a cross between a cat in heat and rubbing a shovel fornenst metal. He’d be singing nearly every bit of it too, even whilst dishing out the communion. At the end everyone used to roar ‘Thanks be to God’ but I think they meant it in a different way than oul Shelvin thought they did. People would run from the building, weans crying and pensioners banging their hearing aids. You’d think in Maynooth they’d practise the singing a bit during those seven years”

Reports suggest a recording was sent to the current Pope who supposedly cursed in Italian before slapping a ban on him singing until he was trained up by one of those singing priests. Shelvin is reluctant to follow orders:

“These Ballygawley ones would need to lighten up a bit. When I was seven I won the Quinn’s Corner ‘Sing Like Baby Elvis’ competition with a spirited rendition of Wooden Heart. You don’t become a bad singer overnight like. I’ve sent Pope Francis a tape of me singing ‘The Heat Is On’ and ‘The Final Countdown’ in the bath this morning. Who does he think he is anyway – Simon Cowell? I’ll be singing this Sunday so the people of Ballygawley can lump it.”

Bookies reckon there’ll be no drop in numbers as Shelvin does Mass in 23 minutes on average, more than half the time of the other boy in the parish. Skin-coloured camouflaged earmuffs will be sold outside though by McAleer with funds going towards 100 pairs of gutties for the local walking club.

Eglish Man Gives In To 21st Century And Buys CD Player

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BY SHENGAS  MCGLUMPHIEshengas

A man from Eglish finally succumbed to the relentless march of progress and bought a CD player on Saturday afternoon in Dungannon.

“I’ve always been an early adapter with all the new technologies, and buy stuff just as they come onto the market”, said Terry Malloy, an astro-physicist from Eglish. “I was one of the first to buy a fax machine about three years ago and you still don’t see very many of them about. I’ve always loved vinyl but now it’s time to embrace the modern world, and this Amstrad CD player is a beauty”.

Malloy bought the Amstrad CD430 stereo system for £35 from Johnny Skinner’s hardware shop in Dungannon, which comes complete with a twin-deck tape recorder.

“Two tape recorders, not just one!” said a proud Malloy. “So I can tape the CDs and then play them on my Walkman when I’m in the lab smashing photons into each other. Did you know that it’s got something on it called ‘Shuffle’? I know what you’re thinkin’. But it’s nothing to do with playing cards. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like putting all the songs that were in one order into a different order but not the same different order every time but a different different order. I’m still getting my head round it”, admitted Malloy, shaking his head in wonder. “Everyone will have one of these soon”, he predicted. “Well, maybe not them ones in Greencastle”.

Malloy’s first foray into the CD market was the purchase of Daniel O’Donnell’s ‘Moon Over Ireland’ album. Unfortunately, he got so excited about hearing the Donegal pensioner-botherer, the CD got badly scratched when Malloy got confused and tried to play it on his old record deck.

“Fitting 70 minutes of music onto this wee disc thing is deadly”, enthused Malloy. “In like a hundred years, they might find a way of squeezing maybe 2 hours onto it, but I’m not holding my breath. Jaysus, it would be like something out of Doctor Who or Space 1999”

Bono Spotted In Beragh. Speculation Rife.

Bono in Beragh in daylight

Bono in Beragh in broad daylight

Beragh has been awash with theories today as to why Bono has apparently moved there with speculation that it’s a charity initiative gone wrong the most probable reason. The U2 frontman has been spotted dandering around the village and country lanes patting children on the head and crying whilst humming sad songs that haven’t been written yet.

Local joiner Paddy Grimes reckons he’s sure why the sun-glassed millionaire has moved to the area:

“The oul eejit thinks this is Bosnia or Baghdad or something like that and is here on some kind of humanitarian mission. Beragh might be finding it tough in this recession but Jaysus it’s not that bad like. The Costcutters have been charging £1.50 for a 2-litre bottle of semi-skimmed but that’s hardly good enough reason for a full scale disaster appeal. I wonder is Sting coming too.”

Others do not share Grimes’ thinking. Paula Agnew thinks it’s a much more sinister development:

“Even the dogs in the street know that Beragh’s the epicentre for dirty diesel, cheap fags and benefit fraud. This Bono boy isn’t behind the door when it comes to financial hoodwinkery and I think he’s crying to sneakily merge himself in to the Beragh culture. I saw him at the Beragh game against Loughmacrory last week and he was watching the corner backs closely. Wouldn’t be surprised if the Dub togs out next week. Can’t be any worse than we have though.”

With the Beragh Manure Matrix on next week, others are suggesting he’s after the pure bred limousine – the prize if anyone can guess where the heifer will dung on the field. Sean Collins is sure he’s sussing out the competition:

“That’s what it is. He’s after the cattle, the bollix. Well, for all his millions he’s still only allowed to pick one square. If he wins fair enough. If not, he can head back to America or Gibraltar after singing maybe two or three songs.”

Bookies are siding with Grimes and believe he’s here to sound out a benefit concert, with Sting, Beyonce, Malachi Cush and Tom Jones joining him for the big day. This morning he was witnessed giving brown money to children playing iPads in the park. The Edge has not been spotted yet.

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