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Cookstown IT Shop Workers Break World Record For Non-Verbal Communication On Staff Night Out
An artist’s impression of the night out
The bar manager at Bar 15 in Belfast confirmed this morning, with the aid of CCTV footage, that a group of co-workers from Cookstown managed to break the 2-hour barrier for non-verbal communication on their annual night out in the big city.
The 5 workers from ‘That IT Shower’ on Molesworth Street all managed to ‘check in’ on Facebook, post a combined 45 pictures of their cocktails on Instagram and browse the latest developments on the Strictly Come Dancing potential line-up on Twitter for two hours and five minutes before a Team Leader asked the rest of the group if anyone wanted another drink.
Waitress Abba Edberg from Sweden added:
“It was a quite remarkable feat. When they all took an individual selfie within the first five minutes I knew we could be onto a new world record here as they spent the next 25 minutes checking to see who liked their picture. Then the Instagramming started and it was all downhill from there. They are a resilient bunch. Oh how we cheered behind the bar when they reached the 2-hour mark.”
One of ‘That IT Shower’ workers told us this morning that it was the best staff night out ever. Billy Sheehy (40) remarked:
“It was deadly craic. I got 210 likes for my selfie, 44 likes for an Instagram of my Margarita with sepia filter and how I laughed at some of the comments on Twitter about Daniel O’Donnell’s appearance on SCD. We’re just a mad bunch of lads and I cannot wait personally until next year’s do. I’m suffering today though…my battery’s dead.”
The previous record for staff night out non-verbal communication occured in 1998 at the joint Sinn Fein and DUP fancy dress party at Stormont which lasted 1 hour and 45 minutes, ending when Martin McGuinness told a dirty joke about a woman in Portrush.
Donegal ‘Operation Dirty Tricks’ Foiled As DL Reg Cars Chased Back Across Border
Donegal car in outside McMahon’s house in Omagh
Over 20 vehicles with Donegal number plates have been chased back through Strabane and Clady into Donegal after people complained of suspicious behaviour outside the houses of all the Tyrone players due to start in the Ulster preliminary round game between the sides tomorrow.
News of Operation Dirty Tricks first surfaced when two Datsun Sunnys were said to be suspiciously parked outside the homes of the Cavanagh brothers in the Moy, playing Daniel O’Donnell’s greatest hits at full blast from 11am this morning.
In Edendork, a red Fiat with the plate 89 DL 2012 was strategically parked outside Darren McCurry’s penthouse with a TV in the boot playing Packie Bonner’s 1990 save against Romania in loop, with the windows down.
A Tyrone GAA spokesman revealed over 20 cars were forced to flee towards Donegal after angry locals surrounded the vehicles with petrol-lit moss reeds:
“Clonoe and Dromore also saw a number of Donegal cars parked near the homes of McAliskey, O’Neill, McCarron and McNabb. McAliskey’s home was being drowned out with the loudest version of Enya’s Orinoco Flow I’ve ever heard, blasted from the boot of a 1982 Peugeot 504. Paul Brady and Clannad were also in the air around Dromore.”
Mickey Joe Harte was reportedly spotted in person outside the home of Mickey Harte, confusing the issue completely. He was half-way through his Eurovision hit ‘We’ve Got The World Tonight‘ before being chased by Mickey’s nephew Davy.
No cars were damaged, though a poster of Moya Brennan was defaced in Cappagh.
Fingers have been pointed at Jimmy McGuinness who left his Diary of Skulduggery behind in Ballybofey before leaving his post as Donegal manager
Riots In Greencastle As Local Author Denounces Fairies
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
Rioters ran amok in Greencastle last night following the publication of a controversial book challenging the existence of fairies.
Gerard Fox from Coalisland published ‘The Fairy Delusion’ last week to critical acclaim in the literary capital of Omagh, but closer to home locals have been less than welcoming.
Local Greencastle man Hugh McElvogue was particularly scathing about the book.
“Shhh. Keep the voice down”, he whispered furiously. “Them ones at the bottom of the garden might be listening”. He went on, “Once we got someone in the parish to explain all the big words in the book a lot of people went off the bap. This is blasphemous. He can’t go saying fairies don’t exist when the bible says they do. It does, doesn’t it? Or am I getting mixed up with elves?”
The book goes on to make further allegations regarding the existence or otherwise of other creatures. The author asserts that sprites don’t exist although mermaids do, gnomes don’t, unicorns do, ogres do, trolls don’t, and remains uncertain about midgets.
“It’s not been easy the past few days”, admitted Fox. “All people are doing is focusing on the fairies bit of the book. Like, I definitely don’t believe in fairies although to be honest I can’t really explain how the tooth fairy works. That’s a hard one. That’s why I’ve argued in the book about not cutting down fairy trees, but maybe just giving them a wee trim and then running away, or maybe blaming the neighbours. You can’t be too careful”.
The author was keen to discuss other material in the book.
Figment of the imagination?
“Them ones in Greencastle need to wise up. They’re even going on about the comment that Hugo Duncan is a myth and everyone’s known that for years. Even the ones in Clogher. Same goes for Daniel O’Donnell. He was invented by parents as a threat to children that they’d put his music on if they didn’t get to bed”.
Violence in Greencastle escalated after someone misquoted the book as saying that Santa was an ‘evil old arsehole’ and should be renounced by everyone, especially children. It transpired that the book was actually making a reference to Satan.
Eglish Man Gives In To 21st Century And Buys CD Player
BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE
A man from Eglish finally succumbed to the relentless march of progress and bought a CD player on Saturday afternoon in Dungannon.
“I’ve always been an early adapter with all the new technologies, and buy stuff just as they come onto the market”, said Terry Malloy, an astro-physicist from Eglish. “I was one of the first to buy a fax machine about three years ago and you still don’t see very many of them about. I’ve always loved vinyl but now it’s time to embrace the modern world, and this Amstrad CD player is a beauty”.
Malloy bought the Amstrad CD430 stereo system for £35 from Johnny Skinner’s hardware shop in Dungannon, which comes complete with a twin-deck tape recorder.
“Two tape recorders, not just one!” said a proud Malloy. “So I can tape the CDs and then play them on my Walkman when I’m in the lab smashing photons into each other. Did you know that it’s got something on it called ‘Shuffle’? I know what you’re thinkin’. But it’s nothing to do with playing cards. It’s hard to explain, but it’s like putting all the songs that were in one order into a different order but not the same different order every time but a different different order. I’m still getting my head round it”, admitted Malloy, shaking his head in wonder. “Everyone will have one of these soon”, he predicted. “Well, maybe not them ones in Greencastle”.
Malloy’s first foray into the CD market was the purchase of Daniel O’Donnell’s ‘Moon Over Ireland’ album. Unfortunately, he got so excited about hearing the Donegal pensioner-botherer, the CD got badly scratched when Malloy got confused and tried to play it on his old record deck.
“Fitting 70 minutes of music onto this wee disc thing is deadly”, enthused Malloy. “In like a hundred years, they might find a way of squeezing maybe 2 hours onto it, but I’m not holding my breath. Jaysus, it would be like something out of Doctor Who or Space 1999”
Tyrone Tribulations 