Monthly Archives: January 2015

‘The Little Book Of Derrytresk’ Not Selling Well

p646_1Following the phenomenal success of Cathal Coyle’s The Little Book of Tyrone, a Derrytresk entrepreneur has admitted his attempt to cash in on the idea with a local book hasn’t been successful after a month of trading amidst claims of lies and extortion.

The Little Book of Derrytresk was penned by Pat ‘Jam’ O’Neill and retails at the surprising sum of £19.99 despite being only 14 pages long. Local historian and literary critic Jemmy Hanna was not impressed by the publication:

“A score is a bit too much for just over a dozen pages. 8 pages are given over to the Dromid game a couple of years ago and most of that is just pictures of handbags that were possibly used in the attack on Declan O’Sullivan. He’s ripping the arse out of it at that price. The Little Book of Tyrone is brilliant. This one is….middlin.”

Hanna was also critical at the section labelled ‘Famous Sons of Derrytresk’:

“Jam is just making stuff up now to pad the thing out. He says Tom Cruise, Elvis Presley, JFK, Napoleon, Wolfe Tone and Moses can all be traced back to Derrytresk through their DNA. I’m very dubious about this. I do know that Foster and Allen drove past The Hill on the way to a concert in Edendork but that’s as good as it gets.”

Jam O’Neill rebuffed all complaints, issuing the following statement:

“People hate to see you doing well. It took me two full weeks to compile this comprehensive history of my homeland, and £20 is about right. There’s women here that would spend that amount on sun beds and nail brushes. Feck yiz all. We can’t all be Cathal Coyle and him backed by millionaires from America. “

The Little Book of Tyrone can be purchased at many local outlets or here. The Little Book of Derrytresk has been withdrawn from the same outlets.

Man Warns Frank Mitchell After Buying Snow Shovel and Bags Of Salt

McMahon, waiting

McMahon, waiting

An Omagh cupboard fitter has issued a stark warning to UTV’s weatherman Frank Mitchell that he’ll ‘take his head clean off‘ if it doesn’t snow heavily over the next two days after forking out £12 on a new shovel and three small bags of road salt.

Pat McMahon (66), who was caught out three years ago by a heavy show shower and got soaked right through to his vest and pants despite many fore-warnings from BBC and UTV, maintains he could have spent the money on scratch cards or drink but didn’t want to be called names again after the last time.

“The local wags labelled me soaky-knickers and stuff like that after I got drenched in a blizzard whilst out daylight lamping with my pet labrador Bubbles. I didn’t heed Mitchell the last time but on this ocasion I’m ready for it. I’ll be annoyed now if it doesn’t come. In fact I’ll bust him if it doesn’t lay at least 7 cms. Head clean off with the shovel.”

Tensions are already high in Omagh regarding the same weatherman after he was accused of not trying hard enough to create a decent cryptic clue for the town during his ‘Where Was Our Weather Watching Camera?’ segment. For the 9th time in six years, Mitchell has told the viewers ‘what you say when your mother passes wind‘ whilst showing a picture of Omagh in the background, before excitedly answering ‘Oh, Ma!’ and laughing heartily to himself.

‘He’s not even trying now. That’s three times this year he has used that same cryptic clue. What about ‘it sounds like you’re in Armagh but not quite‘ or something deadly hard like that. Come on Frank – a bit of respect like.”

McMahon had reportedly still not used the shovel as of 7pm.

 

 

Tyrone Standing By Decision To Appoint Umpire With Turned-In Eyes

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Pat ‘The Squint’ Kelly

The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that they will not overturn their decision to appoint a man with two turned-in eyes as one of their inter-county umpires for 2015.

The controversial decision came to light at the weekend after the umpire, who was officiating at an Under 16 game between Brocagh and Eglish, incorrectly awarded five goals and sixteen points over the course of an hour’s play.

Mayo, Donegal, Dublin and Kerry have already made an official complaint to Croke Park although Derry County Board explained they’d ‘wait and see how it goes’.

Pat ‘The Squint’ Kelly from Aughabrack will officiate his first National League game on February the 1st between Kerry and Mayo which will be televised live, a fact that worries close friends and relatives of The Squint.

First cousin and ex-referee John Quinn urged the county board to rethink the decision:

“No harm to The Squint but he’s the worst umpire in the country and probably across the globe. I took him as one of my umpires to Coalisland for an underage game against Edendork and on three occasions he flagged a wide, a point and a goal at the same time. The fella is seeing 2 or 3 balls every time play comes near him. It’s not his fault but surely umpiring is the last job he should be at.”

Kelly, who has wrote-off nine cars and hospitalised a barman during a game of pub darts, will take the train to Kerry to be safe.

Tyrone County Board confirmed they are firmly behind the turned-in eyes community and have pleaded with the GAA family to give Kelly a chance.

Dyslexic Ardboe Man Files Law Suit Against ADOBE© For Libel

old-man-laughingby Aughoughilley Schniffles

A 64 year old dyslexia sufferer from the sleepy hollow of Ardboe, County Tyrone, has tasked lawyers to take legal action against pdf giant Adobe©, for his misinterpretation of the wording “Adobe reader” on a billboard in the area, which he alleges reads ‘Ardboe reader’ and has been construed as a personal jibe at his poor literacy skills.

The pensioner, from Ardboe, which translates from Gaeilge as “tall cow”, says he believes that the company have been taunting him personally over his dyslexia ‘by going on about this Ardboe reader stuff‘ and could not be convinced otherwise.

Mr Rab Fee, or ‘Bra’ as he is known locally, says he understands “Not waan hate” (a term which locally describes a scant knowledge of a subject) of Adobe’s advertising campaign.

In a preliminary court hearing at Cookstown district court recently, Mr Fee stated that he believed ‘pdf’ referred to a paramilitary grouping and accused them of utilizing ‘intimidation tactics’ towards him personally, due to his dyslexia.

Fee, when pressed, has admitted that he once mistook a sign for the local lake – Lough Neagh – as ‘low knees’, referring to him being short in stature at all of 5 feet 4 inches tall, and believed it was placed there by the same individual or group of individuals.

Mr Fee also reportedly confused the sign post for the local Battery Bar as a sign for a burger van, and stood outside the closed bar for 12 hours last December.

When interviewed in depth and asked about his thoughts regarding the beauty of the locality, including questions on the Ardboe cross, he replied,

“Cross? Of course I’m cross, I’m feckin’ raging – you would be too if you thought people were talking behind your back and pushing you around…”

Tyrone Tribulations did not want to point out that this statement held a lot of truths, as he is currently in a wheelchair with mobility aid from a talkative relative.

Local Catholic clergy issued a statement on the matter, stating:

 ‘Away and leave the poor man alone, sure he knows no better. Why don’t you go tackle the banker or the politician? They are the real bolloxes in all of this’.

A spokesman for Adobe was unavailable for comment, however it is thought that it will not deter the company’s advertising in any way.

West Tyrone Water Shortage Victims Were Beginning To Smell Like Derry Ones

Strabane plumber yesterday

Strabane plumber yesterday

The water crisis in West Tyrone had escalated to the extent that many friends and visitors of those affected were unable to tell the difference between them and Derry people, especially around Castlederg.

As the NI Water industrial action temporarily ends, enabling most homes to return to normal, baths and showers have been running freely again with many people returning unused Lynx and Soft & Gentle Roll-On deodorant to chemists.

During the height of the crisis, with rivers close to an unbearable temperature, many decided to hold out from a full body washing in the hope that the NI Water came to their senses and looked after its customers.

A cousin of one of those affected informed us:

“You’d have thought you were in Feeny or Dungiven or Maghera even. There was a wile smell of Derry off the Castlederg folk and it was quite confusing. It would be like sniffing a clove rock and smelling Brussels sprouts.”

One of those affected, Brian Furey, admitted he almost took home the wrong wife during a shopping expedition in the Spar in Claudy, Co Derry:

 “There were a pile of women at the check-out and I normally can indentify my wife due to her neutral odour compared to the Derry women. But because of the water crisis she just blended in. I closed my eyes and luckily grabbed the right one.”

A 44-year old father of three in Strabane is still refusing to wash, claiming he is taking part in an experiment after he read somewhere in the Readers’ Digest in the 1980s that the human body cleans itself after three weeks anyway.

 

 

Tyrone Newspaper To Capitalize On Page 3 Gap In The Market

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Cappagh man posing for The Tyrone Tabernacle

Following the news that The Sun newspaper have abandoned their Page 3 slot, a prominent Tyrone newspaper has moved to fill the gap in the market by using images of local tradesmen, bare-chested and staring provocatively at the camera.

Despite protestations from local religious groups and most women in general, the paper will reveal their first page three model at the weekend, rumoured to be either Barry McElduff or Owen Mulligan, depending on the results of an online poll compiled today on their website.

In a bid to attract potential male models, the editor of The Tyrone Tabernacle has promised not to be selective and will not insist on size-zero applicants. Tabernacle editor Leon Nolan told us:

“Tyrone women have traditionally yearned for the man who shows signs of having consumed a few pints over the years. It’s like a comfort thing I think, like a sausage supper on a cold night.”

Nolan revealed he has already received 522 photos from men across the county, hoping the exposure will see them land a woman by the end of the year.

“I know masculists will be up in arms over this but if there’s a market out there for plumbers, joiners and stove-fitters from 17-70 in the buff then so be it. We give people what they want. We promise to have their spanners, wrenches and hammers all on show.”

Fishermen will also be allowed to contribute as long as their rods are retractable, especially for close-up shops.

 

Tang Trucker Sacked From Fire Brigade After 2 Days For Issuing ‘Keep Her Lit’ Instructions

rprt5By our Monaghan Correspondent, Phil McCracken

Records were broken this week after a fire department employee was given his P45 in just 48 hours on the job due to dialectal differences which saw firemen pour fuel on the flames of a lorry as well as almost setting a depot on fire.

Monaghan firemen

Monaghan firemen 

Trevor Farrell successfully applied to the Monaghan Fire Brigade last June, becoming the first Tyrone man to work in this depot since the great fire of 1988 near Clones which was started by a fireman from Trillick.

Trevor explained why he applied in the first place:

“Here I had no notion of doing that aul DCPC shit (The Driver Certificate of Professional Competence for all professional bus, coach and lorry drivers), what a waste of time, boy. I saw that the fire department was taking people on so be Jaysus I applied for the post and didn’t I get the job”.

On Trevor’s second night of his new job his week, he was on phone duty when a call came in about a truck on fire out by Balls Cross.

“Oh be God I was all excited, lad. I was waiting on that call since I started the new job. I tell ya, if I hadn’t got that call I was going to start a fire myself. No point in having men sitting around doing feck all like. Anyway I called out to they rest of the lads to get the plant lit up and blow her for Balls Cross. Well Jaysus after the boys left I went outside to find every fecking shrub in the station garden on fire.  I wonder to meself ‘what kind of thick glipes am I working with’.

Long serving fire officer David Boyle was on duty that night. He recalls:

“I was in the office when the call came in. Trevor told us to light the plants up and get to Balls Cross. Sure be Jaysus we thought that it was strange but we poured fuel over the plants and lit them and we were soon off to Balls Cross. Anyway we were half way out the road and that nutcase Trevor kept shouting down the two-way radio to “keep her lit boys, that road is clean and green”. Well never before did we here the likes of that. Sure for feck sake we had to stop by Foyles Filling Station to get drums of clean diesel and green diesel”.

Trevor had a different take on events:

“Ah be the Lord Jaysus the boys told me the were running five minutes behind because they had to stop to diesel up. What sort of bullocks doesn’t refuel the plant up when he comes back to the yard? I told them boys to get there quick and keep her lit until I got there”.

Fire Officer Jonathan O’Neill gave his views on the calamity:

“We wondered what kind of crazy dick that Trevor fella was. We radioed back to him that it was a Sawyers lorry on fire. All we could here from him was ‘oh Lord Jaysus lads, I’m on my way flat to the mat boys, I’ll keep her lit’. We never had to keep a fire lit before, and that man Trevor was on his way and he wanted to keep it lit so we started to pour the clean and green diesel over the lorry”.

Trevor remarked on his arrival at Balls Cross:

“Well feck me, how them thick runts got a job with the fire brigade is beyond me lad. Every fecking time the flames started to die down them crazy bastards put more fuel on that lorry, and they said it was my fault that lorry and fridge was burned to the ground”.

A disappointed Sawyers spokesperson added:

“Gutted boy, fucking gutted. I bet that Trevor fella worked with McBurnley Transport, fucking gutted.”

Sawyers Transport Lurgan has ordered a full investigation.

Garda in Monaghan also threw in their penny’s worth when adding:

“There won’t be an investigation because we don’t know if we should investigate the man that told them to keep her lit or the shower of savages that kept it lit”.

MJM Training confirmed that Sean is booked in next week to sit his DCPC.

Monaghan fire department revealed they have four officers off sick with burns after Trevor told them to ‘keep the toe on her boys’.

Cookstown Politician Comes Out As A Vegetarian

andrew-martin-001A Cookstown Councillor has today bravely announced to his constituency and beyond that he’s a full-blown vegetarian.

Brian Sheehy admitted his decision to come forward was inspired by recent politicians who have announced their own personal preferences on a range of issues from their favourite colour to sexuality.

Sheehy, fighting back the tears at a hastily-arranged press conference outside Margaritas Restaurant Wine and Cocktail Bar in sub-zero conditions, told us:

“I have to do this to kill the rumour-circuit concerning my dietary habits. Yes, it’s true – I’m a rampant vegetarian. I haven’t let a steak near my gob since 2003. Judge me if you want but I have faith in the Cookstown people that they won’t turn their backs on me just because I’m into lettuce and tomatoes.”

The scale of Sheehy’s predicament was brought home during the interview when a passing Ford Fiesta slowed down enough for a man to stick his head out and shout ‘go on ye big cauliflowerhead, suck a carrot’ in a strong East Tyrone accent.

A quivering Sheehy continued:

“If I lose votes on this, so be it. I can’t help it if I prefer a cucumber to a couple of tuna baps.”

The councillor added that he is most certainly not a vegan as he likes a glass of milk before bed and sometimes wears mink fur coats to church.

One-time voter Harry Quinn revealed he’ll not be voting for Sheehy again:

“That bollocks can go and shite. If a man turns down a ham shank in favour of a few tomatoes is not to be trusted with things like fixing roads and getting the broadband in.”

Other vegetarians are expected to come out from the shadows after this news.

Greencastle Report Flying Cows Again During Windy Spell. Hoax Says Dungannon Tech Students.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERAResidents of Greencastle have been asked to return to their houses after the reported flying cow news story turned out to be a hoax. Government officials confirmed there’ll be no claim forms for this. 

Photoshop experts from Dungannon Tech confirmed that the image captured and shared by Frank Mitchell on UTV Weather Watchers was a really poor computer job by a B-Tech IT student and not a real depiction of cattle hurtling towards the Sperrins.

Dermot O’Devlin, an esteemed local historian, remains sceptical:

“Well, I think I know that cow from my Christmas party shenanigans. The lights on it are a give away. Anyway, I’m not heading back to my house until I know there are no livestock casually hurtling about in my locality and them weighing a few hundred tonnes. If there’s a claim, I’m in though.”

Local Photoshop guru, Jack McKinless, labelled the picture ‘one of the worst Photoshop jobs’ he’s ever seen.

The Greencastle flying cow story follows on from the Kildress Old People’s Home incident which lamented the loss of 44 elderly residents who blew away ‘northwards’ during the high winds. Worker Patricia Hurson maintains she saw them fly off ‘towards Derry’ whilst out for their morning walk.

Shortly afterwards, workers applied for a grant which caters for Act of God bereavement stress amongst their staff.

 

Galbally to Finally Regulate Its Boxing Culture

By Mary Ann Jackson

Galbally 1944

Galbally 1944

There has been mixed reaction to the news that a new Boxing Club in Galbally is to open its fine facilities very shortly in a state of the art gym built by local volunteers.

Many “auld hands” in the area had expressed their opinion that the younger generation were “goin saft” before recalling with pride the many times they had engaged in the noble pugilist art bare-chested in the snow and the rain in the car parks of The Gap, Knocknamoe Hotel, along with the neighbouring Cookstown venues of the Glenavon and the Greenvale not to mention the bouts in the middle of the busy A5 at Garvaghey or the on the main Dublin Derry road at Main Street Emyvale.

Now after a number of very successful boxing nights in the local Community Centre, locals appear to have developed a “Grá” for the better conditions boxing under a roof and a surprising new attachment to rules and regulations.

One lady, who recently moved to Galbally under the impression it was a modern settlement full of metrosexual New Men, expressed surprise to learn that a Boxing Club was opening shortly, commenting:

“I thought the local lads were more into synchronised swimming and singing along to girly videos, going on what I’d been told.”

She later required medical intervention when it was explained to her that a few local lassies are also up for the fight.

Some Galbally men are not impressed that the local lads are to fight under the Queensbury rules, believing Stormont’s fingerprints are all over this. Founder Arthur Nugent confirmed that this was not the case.

Housewives Log-On As Paddy Heaney Joins Twitter

phpDungannon and Omagh Techs have admitted a sudden surge in women looking to enrol in computer courses following the news that Ulster heart-throb Paddy Heaney has joined Twitter.

Heaney, who was voted ‘Rear of the Year’ for seven consecutive years at the Kildress Sports, signed up to Twitter by teasing his female following with a profile picture of him as a cheeky young lad playing for Carrickmore as well as an unidentified road scene.

34 year old Galbally woman Leona Kilpatrick reckons it’s a subliminal message:

“Paddy Heaney, to us women, is WB Yeats and Liam Neeson rolled into one. He has that dashing swagger coupled with words to melt a woman’s heart. That picture of the road – I think it means you can find the road to my heart if you look hard enough. He’s a bit like Willy Wonka doing this. I’ll be looking long and hard, mark my words.”

As of now, the Irish News’ Heaney has 400 followers, 388 of which are women aged 25-45. This has sparked a backlash from men across the province who have taken to switching off the wifi and confiscating the password.

Relationships guru Donglan Bogue explained this away as ‘pure jealousy’:

“It’s an open secret that GAA chairmen and their male members of club committees have been nervous about getting Heaney to speak at charity debates or opening pitches. Paddy has the same effect on women as Elvis would have had back in the 50s. Some say he’s the 5th Beatle. Others would have other words for him.”

Twitter have yet to confirm whether or not Heaney will receive a blue tick beside his name. If he does he joins Nadine Coyle as Derry blue tickers as Eoghan Quigg has yet to be recognised.

Moy Woman Warns ‘Tang’ Husband Over Love For His Scania V8

Tyrone Tribulations

o_saab-scania-car-jacket-74c1A Moy civil servant has publicly announced she will throw her husband out of the house if he continues his love affair for his Scania V8 and general ‘tang’ lifestyle. Kelly Trucker, who admits to once having a liking for life on the road, didn’t realise the extent of her husband’s love for the tang experience.

“It’s just embarrassing now. We had a Christening in Armagh to go to last week and Roger arrived in his Scania jacket, Ben Sherman shirt open to the naval with oil stains, gold necklace, brown belt, denims and his Super Hampton boots – the same clothes he slept in. This is not the silage cutter I fell in love with as a teenager. That’s just full-on tang.”

Kelly admits the breaking point came when he suggested a weekend away in Donegal.

“I was thinking he was being all romantic. As it turned out we…

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Archeologists Told To Stop Finding Things For A While

Recent find near Cappagh

Recent find near Cappagh

Following the discovery of six coins from 1972 in a field near Gortin, archeologists in the county have been warned for the final time to tone it down a bit and stop finding things for a while at least.

Professor Joe Quinn, who spearheads the Tyrone Legacy Association which looks into catering for future generations and leaving plenty for them to do, demanded that people stop trying to find old ruins and memorabilia and to leave some of it for our grandchildren and their children:

“Every time I open the paper I hear of some find on a remote field and it drives me insane. People are selfishly thinking of themselves and leaving nothing for people to find in 200 years. I urge people to put things back and tell no one.”

The recent coin find follows last week’s discovery of the ruins of an underwater settlement in Lough Neagh, dating back at least 150 years. Moortown fisherman Patsy McQuaid now admits he should have turned a blind eye to the find, adding that it has only created problems since he went public:

“I should’ve said nothing. There are still people alive today who had parents that maybe lived in the underwater settlement and this has dredged up problems with the tax man claiming it was a tax haven for wealthy Mootown linen factory owners. No good can come from archeology these days.”

The Tyrone Tourism Board are considering fining anyone who discovers anything until 2020. Loughshore metal-detector fanatic Jim Walshe raged:

“Them boys aren’t telling me what to do. What they are now creating is an underground archeological society where people will meet in secret to exchange treasure. Fcuk the future generations.

Jim Walshe was arrested this morning and his metal detector confiscated.

Killyman Man Claims Disneyland Paris ‘The Most Depressing Experience’ Of His Life

Families fight outside Pirates of the Caribbean chips kiosk

Families fight outside Pirates of the Caribbean chips kiosk

A Killyman teacher has urged the French Tourist Board to issue a health warning for any parents hoping to purchase tickets for the entertainment resort in Marne-la-Vallée, just a bit up the road from Paris.

Tony McKenner, a 40-year old father of three, was made to go to the attraction as a birthday surprise for his 6-year old daughter and returned vowing never to set foot in any amusements again, even Portrush.

“It’s the most miserable experience anyone could put themselves through. It was bad enough forking out 75 Euros for three sets of Mickey Mouse ears before we’d time to look around us, but then we queued for an hour to get on a ghost train which drove slowly through a house that wasn’t scary. However, I expected all that.”

McKenner maintains he failed to see anyone smile during the 6-hour ordeal:

“Sisters were kicking brothers. Brothers were whacking sisters. Mothers were pulling the ears off children, some which were not their own. Fathers were staring vacantly into the distance, ignoring the pleas of wives urging them to shout at the children with sore ears. All this was happening in the queue for an ice cream.”

The Killyman educationalist believes the resort’s backroom team Photoshop pictures to convince punters that they had a really good time:

“I came off the Buzz Lightyear Laser Blast thinking that was dung. We were then handed the photos and I was grinning from ear to ear. Now I’m starting to believe I actually had a really good time. But I know what I saw and experienced and I’m nearly sure it was horrendous. I definitely remember giving the child in the car in front of me the middle finger for shining his laser gun in my eyes.”

McKenner claims the big parade at the end was a celebration of the fact that the ordeal was at an end and that was why parents and children appeared to be generally in good spirits during it.

“I’d imagine it’s worse than childbirth,”

added McKenner whilst receiving a dirty look from his wife.

Coalisland Undertaker Told To Stop Winking And Smiling At Old People

Tyrone Tribulations

Dorman, just very friendly? Dorman, just very friendly?

Worried Coalisland residents have signed and handed in a petition to local undertaker Padjoe Dorman, demanding that he maintain a consistent facial expression whilst out and about in the town.

Dorman, who claims he has absolutely no special ability to predict when old people will expire, has been accused of worrying hundreds of pensioners since he expanded his business last month by adding on an extension at the back of his premises. 77-year old retired wrestler Kenny Campbell from Annagher told us of his ordeal:

“I met Dorman outside the butchers on Christmas Eve and he winked at me with a smirk on his face. Then he says ‘I hope ye get time to ate that ok’. He’s trying to scare us into the grave. Some operator.”

81 year old Mary McAleer from Newtownkelly added to the catalogue of complaints:

“That man has me tortured. At…

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Kim Kardashian’s Arse To Fire Gun For Start Of Strabane 10K Fun-Run

Kim Kardashian looks casually chic at Jimmy Kimmel - Part 2Strabane Lord Mayor Bill Johnson confirmed this morning that he has secured a big-name signing to launch the town’s weekend 10k run in an attempt to make up for last year’s debacle which saw a drunken ex-Tellytubby shoot himself in the foot.

Demanding a much bigger celebrity this year, at a hastily-arranged press conference the crowd in attendance were amazed to hear that Kim Kadashian’s backside has agreed to pull the trigger for 2014. Within an hour 600 tickets were already sold including most men’s sporting clubs from the hockey society to the local cricket association.

Lord Mayor Johnson added:

“It was touch and go for a while. Kim already had a road bowls tournament to attend in South Armagh that same day but she did agree to lend us her arse for the occasion. It’s a mighty coup (and hoop) and I assured Kim that her derrière will be treated like royalty when it arrives on Tyrone soil.”

The fee, estimated to be in and around £50, will secure her posterior for two other gigs in the area that day including opening a new branch of Quinn’s Funeral Services and drawing the balls for the Pensioners’ Weekend Bingo.

Retired kite-maker Lionel Kildare admitted he had never looked forward to the run until today’s news. Licking his lips and smirking, he explained:

“Bloody fantastic. I’m a big fan of Kardashian’s buttocks, especially for their charitable works. I just hope the old blood pressure behaves itself.”

Kim’s rear end will pull the trigger this Sunday at 17:00 hrs.

Meanwhile, a local women’s group have promised to picket the event under the slogan “What’s wrong with our arses?”

Ardboe Man Regrets Buying Wife A Drone

Undressed-Seattle-woman-reports-peeping-Tom-drone-spying-through-her-window_st_thDrinkers in an established bar on the shores of Lough Neagh have shunned long time friend and one-time centre of attention Geordie Forbes after his wife kept driving her expensive drone into the pub to spy on him using an in-built camera.

Quinn’s Watering Hole have also issued a barred notice to Forbes, claiming the drone was intimidating other punters after news emerged that a cackle of wives and girlfriends were gathering in Forbes’ house every night to watch live footage of who was in the pub when they shouldn’t have been.

The S800 professional Hex-Rotor Platform Big Aircraft (£2500) has a hovering time of 16 minutes, giving it enough time to leave Mrs Forbes’ porch and spend over 5 minutes inside the pub whilst a live feed of the images are shown on her laptop in her front room.

Former bowls champion and full-time drinker Mal Quinn admitted it was hard to enjoy his pints with the humming of the drone over his head and knowing that his wife is watching the whole thing in Forbes’ living room:

“It’s bad enough knowing that you’re now going to be killed when you get home for being late with the bread but that humming noise is making it an altogether irritating experience, especially when you’re trying to watch The One Show in the back room. Either Forbes finds another place to drink or the drone will be kicked up and down the pub, expensive or not.”

Neighbours also revealed that Mrs Forbes has acquired a silencer for the drone and has been using it to look in through windows of neighbouring houses to check on the colours of settees and what they’re watching etc.

“What man buys his wife a drone for Christmas?”

said Forbes’ brother Pat before threatening to buy a drone-exterminating aircraft from Ebay.

 

Violence Erupts At Pub Quiz Over World War Question

Artist's impression of quiz fight

Artist’s impression of quiz fight

The organizers of a Cookstown Pub Quiz have admitted that strict regulations on mobile phone technology may have been a reason for the violent scenes witnessed during last night’s Monday Night Quiz in Mullavan’s Pub.

Police were called to the venue at 11pm after three windows were smashed and furniture broken following a tie-break question, which caused a difference of opinion, to see who would finish in last place.

The question – ‘Which world war came first – World War I or World War II?’ saw The Sinister Pumpkins answer WWI with Badger Breeders adamant it was WWII. The Quiz Master awarded the points to Badger Breeders, sparking an aggressive debate and accusations of underhand tactics before a glass was thrown at a supporter of the winning team. Within minutes an all-out brawl engulfed the premises.

Paul O’Farrell, captain of The Sinister Pumpkins, told us from his bed:

“This was blatant favoritism. Everyone knows that WWI was first – there should be no debate about this. That’s why it’s called One and not Two. I can’t believe we even had this discussion, never mind a brawl.”

Kieran Molloy of the Sinister Pumpkins disagreed:

“If you invented a time machine and started traveling back in time, then you would encounter WWII first as it is most recent to us. It makes sense to me. The whole wording of it is a side issue. Sure didn’t The Hobbit movies come out after The Lord of the Rings movies and that’s all messed up when you think about it. Same with Star Wars – the prequel one which came out after the first ones in the picture-houses which were actually earlier chronologically. And who’s to say Jaws 3 didn’t happened before Jaws 2, in real life like.”

Pub owner Eoin Mullavan admits a simple Google search on someone’s phone would have solved the dispute but a strict policy on technological devices prevented their use. He added that he personally believes WWII was first but would surf the answer later.

 

Conor Gormley Takes Down Fintona Wind Turbine With Shoulder Charge To Celebrate Retirement

Wind-turbine-mainA stricken wind turbine which was felled on Friday on the Screggagh wind farm on Murley mountain near Fintona was said to be a last act of defiance by recently retired All Star defender Conor Gormley, sending out a message to the Tyrone side before they take on Armagh in the McKenna Cup this weekend.

A close friend of the Carrickmore man confirmed it was something Gormley would do and should not be looked on as an act of vandalism but as heroic as Finn McCool or Cuchulainn.

“Aye that’d be Conor alright. He’s not a man for words. I’d say he’s thought long and hard about a parting gift for the current squad, so he has decided to shoulder charge a wind turbine to the ground. He’s some boyo.”

The 80 metre turbine, valued at over £500,000, collapsed on Friday evening, scattering debris over a wide area. The sound of the failing mechanical structure was heard more than seven miles away. Some people said the sound was like thunder.

“I remember him shouldering Oisin McConville in 2003 and it was a similar sound.”

added former county squad player Sean Cavlan.

The Gormley turbine saga puts into the shade Armagh’s Francie Bellew who marked his retirement by clattering into the gable wall of the Crossmaglen PSNI barracks, causing £6000 worth of structural damage.

 

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