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Drumquin Man Caught Legally Driving Last Night. Parents Distraught.

Tyres in deadly condition

Tyres in deadly condition

A Drumquin man’s family is blaming modern society after their son was caught with insurance, tax and MOT certificates, good tyres as well as a full tank of clean diesel.

Jeremy Maguire, a 26 year old joiner with no convictions since 2008, was stopped by police whilst travelling at 34 mph on the Dregish Road at 9pm on Sunday night for a random spot-check.

Onlookers described confusing scenes as police officers were seen nodding their heads in approval while rifling through documents and joking with the driver, at one stage giving a high five to the ex-Drumquin full back soon after the diesel was dipped.

Maguire’s father Pat, who did time for driving a pick-up with no tyres in 1988, admitted he felt ashamed walking around the local Spar this morning:

“People just kept staring or shaking their heads. I bought The Irish News, a pint of semi-skimmed and three apples and was charged £8.33. Everyone just stood there ready to light on me if I questioned the tally so I just paid it in silence and dandered out a broken man. Our Jeremy has always been a bit strange – filling up the windscreen washer regularly with the correct stuff and all.”

Mrs Maguire, who refused to be officially interviewed, blamed modern society on her son’s tendency to stick to the rules and has warned other parents to be careful of the dangers of YouTube and social media.

PSNI confirmed this evening that a car was stopped last night in the Dregish area and given the all-clear following a stringent spot-check including an emissions test.

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Housewives Log-On As Paddy Heaney Joins Twitter

phpDungannon and Omagh Techs have admitted a sudden surge in women looking to enrol in computer courses following the news that Ulster heart-throb Paddy Heaney has joined Twitter.

Heaney, who was voted ‘Rear of the Year’ for seven consecutive years at the Kildress Sports, signed up to Twitter by teasing his female following with a profile picture of him as a cheeky young lad playing for Carrickmore as well as an unidentified road scene.

34 year old Galbally woman Leona Kilpatrick reckons it’s a subliminal message:

“Paddy Heaney, to us women, is WB Yeats and Liam Neeson rolled into one. He has that dashing swagger coupled with words to melt a woman’s heart. That picture of the road – I think it means you can find the road to my heart if you look hard enough. He’s a bit like Willy Wonka doing this. I’ll be looking long and hard, mark my words.”

As of now, the Irish News’ Heaney has 400 followers, 388 of which are women aged 25-45. This has sparked a backlash from men across the province who have taken to switching off the wifi and confiscating the password.

Relationships guru Donglan Bogue explained this away as ‘pure jealousy’:

“It’s an open secret that GAA chairmen and their male members of club committees have been nervous about getting Heaney to speak at charity debates or opening pitches. Paddy has the same effect on women as Elvis would have had back in the 50s. Some say he’s the 5th Beatle. Others would have other words for him.”

Twitter have yet to confirm whether or not Heaney will receive a blue tick beside his name. If he does he joins Nadine Coyle as Derry blue tickers as Eoghan Quigg has yet to be recognised.

Silent Treatment Begins As Aghyaran Man Forgets Wedding Anniversary

Mary, a few mins ago

Mary, a few mins ago

A 47 year old chimney cleaner from Aghyaran says he’s preparing for ‘the guts of a month’ of silent treatment after forgetting his 20th wedding anniversary.

Patsy Devine, who claims to have forgotten the date only ‘5 or 6 times’ before this one, and Mary McLoughlin were married on the 23rd July 1993 at a fairytale ceremony in the village that had balloons and all. Mary maintains this might be the final straw:

“He’s one gope. He said to me in the morning if I needed anything from the shop. I was sure he was getting some kind of memento for the occasion. He came back with some wheaten bread, cat food and the Irish News. I let it go in case it was some big plan to wind me up. He then got up during breakfast and said he had to get something from the car. I was convinced this was the big moment. He came back in with toilet roll and proceeded to sit on the toilet for 45 minutes. Things only got worse from then on in.”

The penny dropped with Patsy after Mary spilled his spaghetti bolognese over his lap.

“I knew this wasn’t an accident. I was wrecking my head and it finally dawned on me when I was talking to my Derry neighbour. I remembered they won the All Ireland a couple of months after we got married. I rushed out and bought the last bunch of flowers at the garage but they were a bit measly looking and stank of diesel. The woman says they’d been there since Mother’s Day. Well, when I handed them to Mary she just looked at them and set them alight. The diesel was fairly potent.”

Devine has enrolled in a body language course in Clady to see if he can read signals until she starts talking again. With the 20th anniversary traditionally celebrated with porcelain, Devine is considering getting Mary porcelain veneers for her ‘unsightly gnashers’.

Crowd Of O’Neills Turned Away From Swedish Royal Wedding, Then Wreck The Place.

Should’ve happened in Dungannon

Approximately 300 O’Neills from all over Tyrone were impolitely refused entry to Princess Madeleine’s lavish wedding with New York banker Christopher O’Neill in Stockholm on Saturday. With numerous pleas from the leaders of the different local clans to Swedish police falling on deaf ears, the former powerful dynasty’s descendants drank the city dry before “completely wrecking half of Sweden” according to a British tabloid journalist. One of the O’Neills, Paddy ‘The Ram’, told us:

“It was some handlin. When we heard that boy O’Neill was marrying into the Swedish royal family, we decided to welcome her into the family by surprising King Carl XVI Gustaf and his clan by landing on his doorstep with gifts from Ireland. We brought over a leg of lamb, plum poteen, 3lb of ham, a box of Tayto, The Irish News from all of last week, a DVD of Diarmuid Corr’s Sketchy and a few other bits and bobs. Well, we mightn’t have bothered. Them Swedish police started batoning us outside the church. There was a whole flaying session for the guts of an hour, all caught on the international news channels. Not friendly at all. Should’ve been marrying in Dungannon anyway.”

Swedish officials say the O’Neills ‘just went buck mad’ and drank every bar dry in Stockholm before jumping through hedges, singing songs about Peter Canavan and lying on top of cars. Chief of Police Johanna Johannason admitted:

“Pure animals. What’s all this “yahooing” they do? It was like a scene out of Braveheart. One boy, Peter ‘The Mower’ O’Neill, cycled the whole way to Malmo, full. The bike was so mangled when he got there that locals thought it was a unicycle.”

Christopher O’Neill has since released a statement saying he is not one of the Tyrone O’Neills and is, in fact, London born and bred. Paddy the Ram refuses to buy into this theory:

“Who’s he trying to kid?  He has that oul O’Neill head on him. Sort-of pointy at the top and square at the back. Listen, we’ll have him pinting in Mulligan’s before the year is out. The Swedish princesses will love Benburb, the Island, Tullyhogue and slapping the eel soup down them at the Battery. That was only Round 1. Fermanagh has the G8. We’ll have this shower.”

East Tyrone Women Frustrated By Missing Paddy Heaney Column

East Tyrone women, weak at the knees right now

East Tyrone women, weak at the knees right now

70% of women in East Tyrone were said to be distraught this week following the decision by The Irish News to give Paddy Heaney a break from writing his column last Tuesday.

Heaney’s ‘Against The Breeze’ slot is said to be a firm favourite with women from Ballinderry right down to Derrytresk with sales on Tuesdays doubling that of a normal day, with some comparing it to ’50 Shades of Grey on tap’. Paddy’s dreamy middle-aged looks and suggestive smirk has long been the bane of many husbands in mid-Ulster, with any form of marital communication a write-off on a Tuesday. Mary Muldoon, a 45-year old school cook, maintains this has been the longest week of her life:

“When I woke up on Tuesday to find 32 text messages and missed calls on my phone I knew something was up. I could feel the blood draining from my forehead as the horrible truth was laid bare in front of me. Disbelieving, I walked down to the Spar to get the paper anyway. Alas, it was true. No Paddy Heaney this week. I only had to look around me to witness at first hand the effect this man has on us women down here. Bernie McGahan was crying at the meat counter. Denise Molloy was buying wine at that time of the morning. Two of the McGoreys were fighting over cooked ham. We all hit the drink by midday. It was carnage.”

Reports suggest that husbands and boyfriends frantically searched their recycling bins in order to placate their partners with old Tuesday editions of the paper but Muldoon admits it wasn’t the same:

“To be fair, my Harry tried his best to comfort me. But looking at old pictures of Paddy isn’t the same. We need fresh pictures, with the new smell of the paper wafting off his alluring mop of Oak Leaf hair. Oh Paddy, never do this to us again. Seriously, The Irish News need to give us a firm warning a few days beforehand that we’ll not be getting our Paddy-fix on any given week. Kitty Tougher from Brocagh drove the whole way to Belfast to sit outside The Irish News on Tuesday just to get a look at him, and him in Majorca probably with some oul money-grabbing bint.”

Heaney has yet to comment on his missing column but there was woman rejoicing along the loughshore this morning as he appeared in today’s paper, with Paddy reportedly looking particularly handsome.

Out And About: Reflecting On Christmas

christmas-free-wallpapers019-santa-claus-funny

We went out and about this morning to catch the opinions of the early shoppers in Cookstown regarding how their Christmas went:

Ghost-oh. It was some handlin. I had a few stiff ones on Christmas Eve but came home early to let herself head out to pick up a few last minutes. I must’ve had more drink in me than I thought as I fell asleep whilst looking after the weeins. I woke an hour later to find they’d opened every present under the tree and ate most of the chocolates. She was like a pishmire when she came home. Christmas was a cold, dark day. She didn’t even comment on the pliers I got her.”  JOHN DEVLIN, ARDBOE

Santa the bastard. Didn’t come near me. Well, he can slide on. Did ye hear oul Margaret died this morning? She’ll not have to do that again I suppose.” PATSY JOHNSTONE, DREGISH

Ah it was OK. Big feed and all but you miss The Irish News.” DARREN HUBBERT, AGHALOO

Terrible. I’ve nine children and they  just wrecked the place. At one stage two of my sons were in casualty having shot each other in the eyeball with an air rifle. A daughter broke her ankle trying to roller-skate down Scotch Street. Uncle Joe got drunk by midday and vomited over his own dinner. Mark, my husband, didn’t like the pants I got him as they were too small and he thought I was sending him a message. Hateful memories.”                                  CATHY MULLAN, DUNGANNON

Brillant day altogether. Went to mass and all the wemen had new clothes on. I was so impressed I went to all the masses in the neighbouring parish to look at the women and their frocks. It’s my favourite day of the year.” SEAMUS MCANALLAY, OMAGH

A buckin book about Louis the bollocks Walsh. What was he thinking, the miserable oul hoor.” KATE CAMPBELL, COALISLAND

 

Coalisland Crowd Storm Brackaville Demanding Removal Of Flag

A tense Brackaville, earlier.

A tense Brackaville, earlier.

Inspired by the goings on at the City Hall in Belfast earlier in the week, a group calling themselves the Coalisland Restoration Appreciation Party (CRAP) have stormed the Brackaville Social Club tonight, demanding that the Brackaville Owen Roes flag hanging from the guttering is removed before Monday morning or they ‘take her down’ themselves. CRAP spokesman, Jab Herron, claimed they were willing to tolerate the flying of the flag in the midst of the local club’s failed assault on the Ulster title but now that it was at an end, there was no reason to keep it up.

“It’s bloody ridiculous. Brackaville is really the outskirts of Coalisland. We call it inner-city Coalisland where the shanty town type families scrape together a living by doing odd jobs like collecting golf balls. Now and again we do tours out to Brackaville for the Primate Dixon ones to show them what happens if you don’t do your sums and learn the english. Recently, we discovered that a few Brackaville residents were making forays into Coalisland under the cover of darkness. They were probably drinking the slops in bars or hanging around the back of Landi’s for scraps. We need to be vigilant about that. However, this flag flying craic must stop. Sometimes we have to travel through Brackaville to get to other places. We don’t need to see those dirty flags goading us. Provocation, all from a movement to follow a team bate by a river in Armagh.”

Brackaville Disaster Fund spokesman, Harry Gillis, sees it differently.

“Them fcukers would paint over us if they could. We are Brackaville. We are a people. This great run that the Owen Roes lads performed was a real lift for the community. Ok, we’ve had to start us a disaster fund to cover the expenses of every family in Brackaville heading to the final last week, but we can survive without tourism from the Island. We have the golf course and a lock of other lads doing stuff like welding. Them hoors are just jealous that we had Sean McNally, probably the best footballer in Tyrone ever after Iggy Jones. We shall not be moved. The flag stays. No surrender.”

CRAP have given Brackaville 48 hours to comply or they will dam Barrack Street, cutting off vital supplies like soda bread and the Irish News.

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