Disappointed professional animal enthusiasts from across the globe are today departing the island of Majorca after several sightings of the near extinct Great White Moose turned out to be a 45-year-old from Dungannon on his first foreign holiday since 1989.
Excitement in the island grew over the weekend as the moose was spotted in a variety of locations. Some claimed it emerged from the sea on several occasions, as well as browsing the crisps section in a local spar. Another report indicated it started to go pure red after laying out in the scorching midday heat at a poolside, sipping on bottles of Estrella.
Pierre leCont, a moose expert from outside Paris, admitted it was greatly disappointing:
“I travelled first class to get here as did over 300 other moose fanatics. The early photos did look promising but it was only when we saw it close up at a restaurant eating a pizza that we realised this wasn’t the Great White Moose at all but a man from Ireland in tight-fitting 80s shorts, bare-chested. It was a bit of a let down even though it made moose-noises when eating.”
The man/moose in question was 45-year-old Malachy Power, a boiler-servicer from Dungannon who ended up chronically burnt from head to toe by the third day and was finally admitted to the local A&E ward this morning.
“This was my first holiday since the late 80s and in fact the first time I’ve taken my top off outdoors. I knew I was white but didn’t think it was that bad. I saw a woman praying after I walked past a white wall and seemingly disappeared to onlookers. The burns are bad but I thought factor 5 would do me rightly.”
Malachy ‘Moose’ Power has since returned to his villa but has been told to wear a duffel coat for the rest of his vacation.
70% of women in East Tyrone were said to be distraught this week following the decision by The Irish News to give Paddy Heaney a break from writing his column last Tuesday.
Heaney’s ‘Against The Breeze’ slot is said to be a firm favourite with women from Ballinderry right down to Derrytresk with sales on Tuesdays doubling that of a normal day, with some comparing it to ’50 Shades of Grey on tap’. Paddy’s dreamy middle-aged looks and suggestive smirk has long been the bane of many husbands in mid-Ulster, with any form of marital communication a write-off on a Tuesday. Mary Muldoon, a 45-year old school cook, maintains this has been the longest week of her life:
“When I woke up on Tuesday to find 32 text messages and missed calls on my phone I knew something was up. I could feel the blood draining from my forehead as the horrible truth was laid bare in front of me. Disbelieving, I walked down to the Spar to get the paper anyway. Alas, it was true. No Paddy Heaney this week. I only had to look around me to witness at first hand the effect this man has on us women down here. Bernie McGahan was crying at the meat counter. Denise Molloy was buying wine at that time of the morning. Two of the McGoreys were fighting over cooked ham. We all hit the drink by midday. It was carnage.”
Reports suggest that husbands and boyfriends frantically searched their recycling bins in order to placate their partners with old Tuesday editions of the paper but Muldoon admits it wasn’t the same:
“To be fair, my Harry tried his best to comfort me. But looking at old pictures of Paddy isn’t the same. We need fresh pictures, with the new smell of the paper wafting off his alluring mop of Oak Leaf hair. Oh Paddy, never do this to us again. Seriously, The Irish News need to give us a firm warning a few days beforehand that we’ll not be getting our Paddy-fix on any given week. Kitty Tougher from Brocagh drove the whole way to Belfast to sit outside The Irish News on Tuesday just to get a look at him, and him in Majorca probably with some oul money-grabbing bint.”
Heaney has yet to comment on his missing column but there was woman rejoicing along the loughshore this morning as he appeared in today’s paper, with Paddy reportedly looking particularly handsome.