The Assembly are to announce a new rash of rules for pub-going this week in a bid to curb the spread of Covid-19. Fighting, courting and slabbering are all on the menu for discussion this week at Stormont.
Although the press conference will not take place until Thursday, a leaked document spells out a range of new conditions for revellers:
- Fights must be finished or broken up by 12am.
- Last minute romantic courting must begin at 10.30 and last no longer than 15 mins with members of the same or opposite sex.
- You can only curt/tackle people from your own parish and your hands must be visible at all times. Cousins are allowed in BT71, 77 and 78.
- Slow songs can only be played for 10 minutes and one of them must be Lady in Red by Chris de Burgh played in full.
- 6 people can sit at your table but at least 4 of them must look like each other a bit.
- Slabbering at taxi drivers must be done with a mask on.
All new rules will come into force on October 7th and and breaches will be dealt with harshly.
Meanwhile Dungannon ones have been told to stop leppin about if their footballers win the last league game.
Tyrone Tribulations understands that Dungannon Thomas Clarkes GAC has already evoked “The Granny Rule” which became famous in the 1990 World Cup by Jack Charlton and his charges in order to capitalise on the foreign national population currently living in the town, and has done so without the blessing of HQ at Croke Park
We understand multi-lingual flyers have been placed in Moy Park, Linden Foods and Powerscreen to name but three local businesses in an attempt to secure all potential talent. We caught up with raising gaelic star Paolo Cuineihera for his thoughts
“ach well aye, I’ve been togging out for Donaghmore for the last three seasons and Dungannon haven’t taken heed of me yet, and me LCC top scorer three weeks running this year. It seems as if they just want to branch out and grab anyone they can in a bid to get one up on Trillick and rub their faces in it for that defeat in the intermediate championship a lock of years ago. Its tara hi”
It is understood that Clarkes backroom staff have approached a number of experts at an MMA gym for “special assistance” but denied this was anything to do with potential violence, despite the fact mannequins with Matty Donnelly’s head on them have been spotted in the Clarkes changing rooms.
Trillick has declined to comment, other than to shout “Hon te buck Fermanagh” at this shocked reporter.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Officials in Edendork are up in arms alleging that Dungannon Borough Council are guilty of engaging in “gaelic gerrymandering”, following new 30mph limit signs being relocated to just south of Darren McCurry’s home house, extending Dungannon’s reach by a couple of miles.
The chairman of the club has accused Dungannon Clarkes GAA as having a hand in the action, in a bid to annex some of the local talent to assist its mission for a first ever O’Neill cup victory on Sunday 20 September.
Groundsman, Peadar McAtasney, confirmed:
“Aye they are some shower of bolloxes. The signs were unearthed at 2.00am last night and wheeled down the road on the back of a Datsun and re-erected just outside Mallaghans. They are hoping that it means that by default McCurry becomes a Clarkes man, and will tog out for them in the Senior final. I heard on the grapevine they wanted to get it as far as Morgan’s home place too, but that would mean taking half of Brackaville with them, and sure what would be the point in that. It’s unreal, considering the wealth they have at their disposal with all the endorsements and prime billions in sponsorship that comes with being based in a major town, that they would stoop to such a low”
Husband of one, McAtasney, went on, pointedly:
“sure luk at the cut of thon: it says you are now leaving Dungannon right outside our pitch. My Grandfather didn’t die in the war for this. It would sicken ye… Anyway, I’m away to move these sheep, they’re atein’ away at the goal mouth there a bit much”
It is understood that should this move be rubber stamped by Dungannon Council at an emergency meeting convened for this evening, that up to one fifth of the Edendork population would be left with no choice but to ditch the gold and green colours of Edendork, to don the green and gold of Dungannon. If the move were to be successful, it would mean eighteen O’Donnells, five McGearys, half a dozen Mallons would be annexed, and force to play for their closest rivals, with some predicting riots and no more Powerscreen gear being permitted to get near the M1.
In other unrelated news, a row has broken out as to where the real Gortin is, whether at the top of the Coalisland Road, or the other Gortin. Tempers have frayed between several oul biddys on Facebook, who have promised to settle their differences at half time of the Intermediate final. We will be opening a book and selling hot dogs at the event.
Three Dungannon barbers have pleaded for no more customers after working flat out since last Sunday when it was announced that Dungannon Clarkes GAA club would play live on TV for the first time ever.
Timmy Timlin (56) admitted he had a mini-breakdown on Wednesday after 67 cuts within the first 3 hours, the majority asking for blonde highlights as well.
There were even lads like oul Colton the hurler walking in and him with frig all to work with. I gave him a Mohican and charged him a fiver. It’s just mental. I really worry if they get to the final. I can only do a two at the sides and one on the top really. The Mohican was easy.
Adrian Logan and Darren Clarke are also rumoured to be attending tomorrow night as well as Ken Maginnis, or Baron Maginnis of Drumglass as he prefers to be called at matches.
Dungannon will play Errigal Ciaran tomorrow live on RTE at 7.30pm and will be screened live at Curley’s.
It has emerged that the Department for Infrastructure (DfI) have already received three claims for pothole damage to cars from the new proposed Scotland to Ireland bridge, despite the fact the bridge will probably never be built.
It was confirmed that two of the claims came from Dungannon residents with the other coming from a single mother near Coleraine. A fourth claim was immediately dismissed as it detailed damage from hedges and overhanging branches, despite the supposed bridge being situated in mid-air over the North Channel.
DfI spokesperson John ‘Beefy’ McCoy has asked motorists to be careful with speed before setting out on the mythical bridge:
“We’re thinking of setting maybe a 60mph speed limit on the bridge if it’s ever built, reduced to 30mph around build-up areas. My message is, take it easy.”
Meanwhile, the Parades Commission have also received over 25 applications from various organisations who want to become the first to march down the new bridge which is unlikely to be built. As well as the Orange and Hibernian Orders, other proposals were received from The Society of United Pig Farmers and The Cookstown Sausage Secret Society.
The Moygashel Triangle Band are favourites to become the first band to play on the bridge.
Fivemiletown DUP party member Kenneth Potts has claimed he has scientific proof that Catholic wasps only sting in mainly Protestant areas whereas Protestant wasps sting indiscriminately and evenly in both communities.
The recent influx of wasps across the county has already led to a surge in the purchase of dish clothes used as weapons, as well as a rise in broken windows due to high heels wrongly applied as killing machines on glass.
Potts visited many Protestant homes in his constituency to exam dead wasps and is in no doubt of his findings:
“Yeah, 90% of the dead wasps I found had their eyes really close together. That is a sure sign of a wasp brought up in a Catholic area and it appears they only sting Protestants. Protestant wasps are noticeable by their unique tattoo-like markings on their legs and their musical prowess as they fly down roads. Those wasps sting anyone without discrimination.”
Potts has called for more protection against Catholic wasps. The PSNI have suggested building bonfires covered in jam to attract any angry Catholic wasps. Sinn Fein have refused to confirm that a dissident wasp battalion have started to attack its own people, despite close-eyed wasps rampaging around Coalisland at the weekend before flying to Dungannon to demand equal rights to bees.
In unrelated news, Ardboe pet shop owner Soapy Hagan denies selling three wasps to a simpleton Derry family holidaying on the lough shore.
The Flags Commission have issued a final recommendation that all lamp posts be taken down for at least five years in order to address the tricky flags conundrum the group were set up to solve.
They also added that anyone wishing to fly a flag of any sort should have their own portable lamp post and walk around with it. Any unattended lamp posts will be confiscated by a lamp post watchdog committee who will lurk in all counties in unmarked cars.
The Flags Commission treasurer Chris Campbell revealed they have already started removing lamp posts in areas like Moygashel and Larne as a trial run:
“It does make the streets a bit darker we admit, but with the advent of mobile phones and health watches there should be enough light generated to complete a safe journey by foot.”
Already, three portable lamp post manufacturers have sprung up locally with the help of a grant set up by the newly formed Northern Irish Renewable Light Incentive.
Carrying his own lamp post with flag attached, Dungannon man Norman Hanson admitted the whole ordeal is starting to get a bit cumbersome:
“The whole ordeal is starting to get a bit cumbersome. God Save The Queen.”
Meanwhile, Tyrone GAA have hinted that they will give out free portable lamp posts if the senior team progress to the latter stages of the Championship this year.
A Dungannon bouncer was celebrated across the county today after it emerged he managed to cut a soda bread exactly down the middle with a kitchen knife before loading it into the toaster this morning.
Patrick McNally, who, coincidentally, was sacked three weeks ago from his job in a bakery in the town for refusing to ice a cake with “Up Coalisland” on it, admitted it was a result of sheer determination as well as staying sober the night before:
“I’ve been slicing sodas for 44 years and never have I managed to slice her right down the middle. Last week I completely missed the soda and stuck the whole side of it into one section of the toaster. I’m delighted. If I can do it, others can with persistence and staying off the drink.”
McNally posted his achievement on Instagram, earning over 300 likes and 24 comments.
In other news, a Gortin woman reversed the whole way to Fintona last night.
A Cookstown welder has decided to run the gauntlet one more time after buying his wife her entire Christmas gift in the local Spar despite being warned not to by friends and family.
Phillipe Mulligan, who was banished to his brother’s house at 10am last Christmas after his wife unwrapped three packets of Spar paracetemol tablets and a box of Lemsips, was witnessed browsing the razor and shaving cream section intently this morning before settling for a Gillette Fusion Facial Combo and a roll of wrapping paper.
Despite pleads from the cashier, who happened to be a third cousin of Mrs Mulligan, Phillipe completed the transaction, muttering something about hoping she ‘takes the positives out of it’.
Mrs Mulligan’s mother added:
“That’ll be four years running he has just dandered to the Spar. The first time he bought a three-pack of cooked ham and pink Lucozade. The man’s head isn’t right.”
Meanwhile, three men shopping in Woolworths in Dungannon were rescued by the Fire Brigade after getting stuck in the women’s Aran jumper aisle. Although two recovered in the back of the ambulance, a Castlecaulfield man was still on a drip this evening.
Government officials have admitted that the rise in banana trees popping up around Moygashel and the greater Dungannon area may be linked to the amount of RHI beneficiaries who left their doors open whilst burning pellets by the million.
At the last count, over 20’000 banana trees were spotted in the mid-Ulster area with that number expected to rise over the coming months. With dates from palm trees also on the rise, the Irish economy is set for boom times according to junior DUP official Cedric Cedricson:
“People may be slagging us about the pellets but the amount of jobs we have created by leaving shed doors open is astronomical. Already there are van loads of teenagers making their way to banana fields all over Dungannon and surrounding areas in the evening to earn money as banana pickers. Throw in the booming date industry and we’re the Costa Rica of the northern hemisphere.:
Already there are plans for the 2019 Tyrone GAA county board to accept the bid from Chiquita Bananas to be their jersey sponsor for the forseeable future.
Unfortunately, Armagh apples have pledged a fruit war if the Tyrone banana trade begins to impact on their business plans for the next five years.
Lough Neagh’s fishermen and women are on the cusp of becoming millionaires after a leaked UK government document revealed plans to pay them to shine wind-up torches at land from the Lough.
A no-deal Brexit could see energy providers in Ireland cutting off power to the north of the country, leaving counties in darkness at night. As well as giving eel-fishermen thousands of pounds per week to shine lights, the document will also urge people to shower and wash during the day in waterfalls and rivers and to learn how to build fires again to make tea and cook sausages.
Additionally, car owners are to be encouraged to fill their motors to the max with petrol or diesel so they can shine their lights at discos or late-night football games or Mass.
Owen Coyle, a fishing entrepreneur from Ballinderry, excitedly revealed:
“This is class. If reports are true I can earn up to £1.3m a year if I have three torches shining from my three boats and they even give you money for the batteries if you don’t have the wind up torches. I’ve already bought a caravan in Bundoran off the back of it.”
Meanwhile, government officials have warned people that only already-registered fishermen and women will be considered after over 600 turned up at the Fishers’ registry office yesterday in Dungannon with rods and bait, wearing waders and caps.
Scientists from across the globe have descended on Omagh today after it emerged that despite consecutive days of over thirty degree heat, an U16 match in Healy Park had to abandoned due to a waterlogged pitch yesterday.
With a hosepipe ban already in force, environmental boffins from as far as California and Cappagh are stumped as to how the Omagh sod remains unplayable after such a relentlessly hot period of weather.
Manager of Gortin U16s, Paddy Coyle, vented:
Calls for the official county ground to be moved to Dungannon have increased overnight with East Tyrone Lord Mayor Ginny Campbell adamant that this was the last straw:
“There hasn’t been a dry pitch in Omagh in my living memory. That’s why the Omagh ones always have dirty legs on holidays in Portugal. You can spot them a mile away. Dungannon is the multi-cultural capital of Ireland. It’s time we won back what is rightfully ours.”
Although it’s early days for a diagnosis, scientists are pointing to a phenomenon of the ‘anti-vanishing lake’ theory as a possible explanation for the Healy Park dampness. This theory suggests that there is a permanent invisible rain cloud over the ground which also explains why Joe McMahon and Ronan O’Neill always have slick hair.
Dungannon Counsellor Accused Of Making Sheep Noises At Galbally School Children During Award Ceremony
A Dungannon-born independent counsellor admitted he overstepped the mark after making sheep noises at five Galbally children who were being recognised for winning the Tyrone U12 Quiz title, defeating his beloved Dungannon in the final.
Frankie McGorian, who was barred from the council for a month in 2008 for calling the successful Derrylaughan Minor team ‘a crowd of cow-washers’ during the post-match presentation, made the sheep noises as each of the winning quiz side marched up to the stage in the Ranfurly House with parents and teachers in attendance.
One parent, Kelly Tally, described the scene:
“It was quite embarrassing. McGorian was obviously hurting from the fact that his son was in the Dungannon quiz side that lost to our children. He was standing up throughout the whole award ceremony giving us dirty looks. Then the sheep noises started when Galbally were called up. He even did cow ones too. He’s a disgrace.”
Dungannon District Council revealed that McGorian is indefinitely barred from meetings and is currently undergoing anti-culchie therapy in the town.
Meanwhile, the bus shelter outside The Money Shop in Dungannon is to receive listed status in 2019. A ceremony to mark the occasion will included a specially penned song by Malachi Cush about courting women in the shelter after a few pints in the Fort.
By Aughohilly Schniffles
What do an architect, a stone mason and a sculptor all have in common? We went along to meet Edendork Chairman Patsy McCann to find out…
It seems Edendork are looking for their ‘Thing’. The Red Hand County is littered with prominent features: Donaghmore and Ardboe have their respective crosses, Dungannon has the Hill of the O’Neills, Derrylaughan have the flies, Clann na Gael has Brian Dooher, Clonoe have the McClures, while the Windmill have certified lunatics living normal lives.
“y’see – were luckin till stand out a bit, particularly now the hall is going to be demolished for our new primary school. Tyrone Crystal and Tyrone Brick have shut up shop… If Powerscreen was till close its doors, we’d be left with just a primary school and a chapel, and sure everybody knows that there’s no craic in mass these days.”
While Dublin is famous for Molly Malone, the Phil Lynott statue, and the Spire, Edendork have taken stock and engaged help from a range of professionals to enhance their profile county-wide.
“Apart from a few fine young footballers, what have we left? The bingo has stopped, all the good factories are closing, and as much as we love it, the bazaar only takes up one day. We want to get back on the map for something other than Johnny Three Bulbs.” [referring to the story about the local man with 3 eyes that was on Sky News last year].
With £3,500 already spent on architect, stone masonry and sculpting prototype fees, Edendork seem serious about their new eye-catching, focal point. However the project appears to have temporarily stalled after the architect halted its services following Edendork issuing 3,500 entries into the club lotto as payment.
“We held a committee meeting about it and considered stealing the Nally Stand off Carrickmore, but that was narrowly defeated by a single vote – thirteen to twelve. We need something, like! Not that we’re jealous or nothing, but look at the Rock- why’s it even called the Rock – there are no rocks even anywhere round it. Their pitch is even tarra sandy like…”
It is unclear how the committee vote ran in at thirteen to twelve, given there are only five people on the committee. McCann declined to comment, but wouldn’t stop winking.
In unrelated news, former pro-wrestler and actor Dwayne Johnson will be attending a fund-raising event on the Tullyodonnell Road outside Cookstown for the Rock St Patrick’s GAA club, which will be a major coup for the area.
Community leaders in Coalisland have called for calm after it emerged that a well-known cafe in Coalisland added beans to their morning fry this morning, resulting in a 200-strong brawl at the roundabout between pro-bean and anti-bean gangs.
Landi’s, where diners travel to from all over Ireland to experience its suppers, maintain the beans are here to stay despite the ongoing riot which is still simmering in pockets around the town, as well as being a non-optional item on the dish.
Anti-bean gang leader Tommy Quinn is adamant that they will succeed in getting the new item removed from the menu:
“It’s a disgrace. I know for a fact that this is to placate the Dungannon ones who we all know are into their beans. But what about us, the loyal local fry-eaters? Beans will never be a staple ingredient of a fry in Coalisland for as long as I’m about. This is worse than the day they added the tomato.”
Three brothers from Brackaville were told to leave the premises at 10am after they demanded a fry with no beans. Despite being warned five times that the beans were a new non-optional item on the menu, they refused to order anything else and proceeded to fire opened ketchup sachets around the room, one of which ruined Fr Toner’s collar.
Seven arrests were made in Annagher after a pro-bean gang from the area defaced a road sign with the message ‘beans are deadly’.
Soon after a report by a chief medical officer who warned of a “post-antibiotic apocalypse” due to a natural resistance to the medication, it has emerged that doctors have attempted to address the problem themselves by giving blunt and accurate advice to complaining patients.
Hundreds of barely-ill members in various surgeries across the county have been seen leaving medical establishments in tears after being told to ‘f**k away off’ by doctors determined to raise the effect of antibiotics in years to come.
Two sisters from Fintona, Mary (68) and Ellen (66) Quinn, explained how they were recently dismissed from their local surgery with a barrage of abuse ringing in their ears:
“We were both suffering from mild throat irritations and were hoping for a short blast of an antibiotic to clear it. Dr Johnson took us in and after a few polite comments he looked down both our throats. He walked back to his seat, scratched his chin, and said ‘yiz can f**k away off now and drink some water’. We left in floods of tears. There’s surely a better way of dealing with this crisis.”
Similar stories were being regaled across the county, with an elderly man in Strabane told by his doctor never to darken the door of his surgery again after asking for an antibiotic for an ear infection. The offended man torched his doctor’s car later that evening.
A surgery in Dungannon was picketed today after one of its doctors gave a patient, who was complaining of a nasal blockage, a banana and a glass of Lucozade. The one-man picket drew a blast of a car horn of support from three seperate cars.
PSNI officials have managed to calm tensions in Dungannon today after a row between newlyweds spilled over onto the main road.
Early reports suggest that Mr Thompson, a 29-year-old fitter from the town, greeted his wife in the kitchen this morning with the comment “I see you’ve got your false face on already” despite her not having it on yet. Friends say Mrs Thompson responded with a clean box to the jaw of her recently married husband, sparking a rowing session which went on for nearly an hour.
Police Constable Jack Young added:
“We’re not meant to give opinions on these things but she did over react a bit. That joke has been doing the rounds for decades and it’s not even a particularly good one. Mrs Thompson is a fine-looking young woman so there was no need for her to stretch him out with the one punch.”
Ironically, Mr Thomspon was due to attend a fancy-dress party tonight in the town dressed as Rocky Balboa. The bruising around his eyes and nose today now means he will save a packet on make-up.
Fermanagh and South Tyrone Independent councillor Tony Quinn has urged people to be careful with old sayings and clichés.
“People need to be careful with these things. A boy said to be ‘keep your friends close but your enemies closer’. That’s pure bollocks and dangerous. I befriended a man who tried to shoot me for being on his land last week. I invited him in for tea the next day and he kicked my balls in.”
Meanwhile, tomorrow will have average temperatures.
Disappointed professional animal enthusiasts from across the globe are today departing the island of Majorca after several sightings of the near extinct Great White Moose turned out to be a 45-year-old from Dungannon on his first foreign holiday since 1989.
Excitement in the island grew over the weekend as the moose was spotted in a variety of locations. Some claimed it emerged from the sea on several occasions, as well as browsing the crisps section in a local spar. Another report indicated it started to go pure red after laying out in the scorching midday heat at a poolside, sipping on bottles of Estrella.
Pierre leCont, a moose expert from outside Paris, admitted it was greatly disappointing:
“I travelled first class to get here as did over 300 other moose fanatics. The early photos did look promising but it was only when we saw it close up at a restaurant eating a pizza that we realised this wasn’t the Great White Moose at all but a man from Ireland in tight-fitting 80s shorts, bare-chested. It was a bit of a let down even though it made moose-noises when eating.”
The man/moose in question was 45-year-old Malachy Power, a boiler-servicer from Dungannon who ended up chronically burnt from head to toe by the third day and was finally admitted to the local A&E ward this morning.
“This was my first holiday since the late 80s and in fact the first time I’ve taken my top off outdoors. I knew I was white but didn’t think it was that bad. I saw a woman praying after I walked past a white wall and seemingly disappeared to onlookers. The burns are bad but I thought factor 5 would do me rightly.”
Malachy ‘Moose’ Power has since returned to his villa but has been told to wear a duffel coat for the rest of his vacation.
Supermarkets and off-licenses across the county have confirmed a sharp spike in wine purchased by parents between the ages of 25 and 50 over the weekend.
Consumer experts immediately explained the phenomenon as nothing unusual, linking the annual trend at this time of the year to the start of school holidays, adding that vineyards in France and Chile intentionally increase their production rate for women at this time of the year from Tyrone, as well as in Derry, Fermanagh and Armagh. Additionally, a group of stay-at-home-fathers have formed a counselling group in Cookstown to counter the summer trauma.
One woman, who wished to remain anonymous, told us as she exited Tesco in Dungannon with over 30 bottles of savignon blanc:
“It’s completely medicinal. There’s only so many times you can tell them to stick on Frozen before you go a bit mad, like. A glass at 12pm eases the strain somewhat. By 4pm they can draw all over the walls for all I care or even notice.”
Businesses have also started to notice a rise in productivity as parents appear to be prepared to do any amount of over time, even free of charge. Many workers have also decided to forego their own transport and have taken to walking home from work, sometimes not returning until late evening after walking up to 15 miles.
Coalisland businessman Leo Keown added:
“It’s a pure lethal time of the year. Parents of young children are mad for the overtime and I’m paying them buck all. And they’re at the gates at 6am too. Long live the summer holidays.”
Meanwhile, a group of men in Brocagh have been arrested after trying to hack into the local primary school’s website and changing the calendar dates, creating a 31st July ‘Back to School’ deadline. One of the arrested claimed he was delighted to be caught and ‘hopefully jailed for a few weeks’.
In an obvious 2-fingered salute to the electorate, it has been reported that the DUP may already be looking into purchasing £800m worth of enormous wood chip boilers as well as £200m of wood pellets, some of which resemble a full-sized ash tree.
Locals in Dungannon have already voiced concerns about two sky-scraping boilers which are beginning to dominate its dreary steeples as well as the disappearance of thousands of tress from Drum Manor Forest Park.
Local environmentalist Bobby McGeown is adamant that this is a show of strength after surviving the recent RHI scandal:
“The DUP are untouchable now with this money. Not only are they buying these monstrosities, you have to have a degree in Ulster Scots to get the job of working on them. Just recently they upped the college fees for an Ulster Scots course in Jordanstown to £1m a year and a pile of ones from Larne have mysteriosly become millionaires overnight. So they’re the only students enrolled on it.”
Additionally, PSNI officials have warned spectators that Lambeg drums during this year’s Twelfth festivities will be twice the size as in previous years and have advised parents to buy earmuffs for young children.
Meanwhile, a DUP spokesman has denied there is a link between the rise in Holywood locals walking around wearing crowns and golden robes and their recent £1.5b windfall. Visitors to the metropolis have also complained about having to take their shoes off when walking into the area as well have having their cars spray-washed at least a mile outside Holywood.
“They’re completely up their own arses now since this money thing.”
stated Eoin O’Catherty from Poleglass.
In other news, Dungannon Rugby and Cricket Club have announced plans for a £90m 80’000 all-seater stadium.