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Benburb Wet Sponge £30 Charity Funds ‘A Quare Lift’ Say Greek Authorities

£36

£36

The Benburb Joiners and Plumbers Society have been hailed as ‘saints’ after they raised £36 from a wet sponge game and donated £30 of it to Greece, strengthening their ancient ties with their sister city, Athens.

Greek treasurer and former Benburb Pipe Band member Pathos Havalavaho admitted the £30 was a ‘quare lift’ for his nation but questioned the retention of the £6 by the Benburb Joiners and Plumbers Society for administrative costs including expenses such as sponges and bucket.

“We are very grateful for the £30 but questions have to be asked about the remaining £6. Surely the sponges could have been donated and buckets aren’t exactly scare. This reeks of corruption but I still welcome the £30. It has given us a quare lift.”

Benburb, which was twinned with Athens in 1954 in what appears to be a spelling error when Beirut were firm favourites at the time to pair up with the Greek capital, have promised to hold future events to help ‘those less fortunate than us in Benburb’.

Moy entrepreneur and triangle maker Johnny Padden doubted whether Benburb charity people would honour that promise.

“On hundreds of occasions we’ve asked our neighbours in Benburb to raise money for the upkeep of our lovely flower beds in the village centre but they haven’t given us a bean. Yet, they’re flirting with the Greeks now. And another thing, Greece will never see that £6 as yer man Jordan who runs that charity in Benburb was steaming full earlier in Tomney’s. Crook.”

Meanwhile, Benburb Sunday passed off peacefully last weekend with only one man caught urinating.

Tyrone Newspaper To Capitalize On Page 3 Gap In The Market

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Cappagh man posing for The Tyrone Tabernacle

Following the news that The Sun newspaper have abandoned their Page 3 slot, a prominent Tyrone newspaper has moved to fill the gap in the market by using images of local tradesmen, bare-chested and staring provocatively at the camera.

Despite protestations from local religious groups and most women in general, the paper will reveal their first page three model at the weekend, rumoured to be either Barry McElduff or Owen Mulligan, depending on the results of an online poll compiled today on their website.

In a bid to attract potential male models, the editor of The Tyrone Tabernacle has promised not to be selective and will not insist on size-zero applicants. Tabernacle editor Leon Nolan told us:

“Tyrone women have traditionally yearned for the man who shows signs of having consumed a few pints over the years. It’s like a comfort thing I think, like a sausage supper on a cold night.”

Nolan revealed he has already received 522 photos from men across the county, hoping the exposure will see them land a woman by the end of the year.

“I know masculists will be up in arms over this but if there’s a market out there for plumbers, joiners and stove-fitters from 17-70 in the buff then so be it. We give people what they want. We promise to have their spanners, wrenches and hammers all on show.”

Fishermen will also be allowed to contribute as long as their rods are retractable, especially for close-up shops.

 

97% Of Trainee Painters Failed ‘Cutting In’ Module At Dungannon Tech

Looking for advice on cutting in.

Looking for advice on cutting in.

Standards of painting and decorating in Tyrone are said to be at an all-time low after the Dept of Education’s recent publication of vocational exam results. 

Despite a rise in applicants for the course, Professor Jemmy Hanna maintains the level of competency is shockingly poor:

“Yes, it’s cat altogether. Cutting in was always a hard skill but young lads now don’t even get close to passing it. I was monitoring a lad from Brackaville last week who was painting a 14 x 14 ceiling and his cutting in was that bad it was impossible to know where the wall ended and the ceiling started. He then produced a packet of baby wipes to rectify the error and made a hames of it. Salvador Dali I called him.”

Prof Hanna also lamented the lazy attitude to the tools of work from today’s apprentices:

“On numerous occasions I’ve witnessed trainee painters forgetting to do basic duties in terms of looking after their brushes and rollers after a day’s work. This morning a boy from Killeeshil resumed his duties from last night with a rock hard brush. He more or less painted a wall with a stick.”

Meanwhile, the plumbing course at the college has again seen record numbers applying for a place after it was revealed that plumbers are now more desirable than firemen amongst Tyrone women, according to a poll in today’s Sunday Independent.

Mary Jordan, a 33-year old from the Moy, agreed:

“A man with a spanner in his hand covered in boiler dust just sends me mad.”

 

paul g moss

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