A Dungannon plasterer has vowed to end his working from home schedule after his family complained about having far less room-space to walk about in. In addition, the newly installed pool room has been made redundant as the walls have been plastered so many times you can only do spin shots from above.
Danny Maguire, who once re-plastered the whole of Dungannon church in the two hours between Devotions and the Stations of the Cross one evening, decided to do his bit to fight the pandemic by working from home since March 2020. In order to hone his skills, he re-plastered his whole house 88 times despite pleas from his wife not to ruin the ensuite, which now doesn’t exist as it has been totally plastered out of existence.
“I needed to keep sharp so I kept re-plastering everything. I knew it had to stop when I realised our wall TV was only 2 metres from our faces and it’s a 56-incher. Can’t see a thing now and our eyes have gone to shite.”
Maguire has already been giving the onerous task of plastering Arlene Foster’s new holiday home in Brackaville, as she is a notoriously poor payer and doesn’t offer tea or anything.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Officials in Edendork are up in arms alleging that Dungannon Borough Council are guilty of engaging in “gaelic gerrymandering”, following new 30mph limit signs being relocated to just south of Darren McCurry’s home house, extending Dungannon’s reach by a couple of miles.
The chairman of the club has accused Dungannon Clarkes GAA as having a hand in the action, in a bid to annex some of the local talent to assist its mission for a first ever O’Neill cup victory on Sunday 20 September.
Groundsman, Peadar McAtasney, confirmed:
“Aye they are some shower of bolloxes. The signs were unearthed at 2.00am last night and wheeled down the road on the back of a Datsun and re-erected just outside Mallaghans. They are hoping that it means that by default McCurry becomes a Clarkes man, and will tog out for them in the Senior final. I heard on the grapevine they wanted to get it as far as Morgan’s home place too, but that would mean taking half of Brackaville with them, and sure what would be the point in that. It’s unreal, considering the wealth they have at their disposal with all the endorsements and prime billions in sponsorship that comes with being based in a major town, that they would stoop to such a low”
Husband of one, McAtasney, went on, pointedly:
“sure luk at the cut of thon: it says you are now leaving Dungannon right outside our pitch. My Grandfather didn’t die in the war for this. It would sicken ye… Anyway, I’m away to move these sheep, they’re atein’ away at the goal mouth there a bit much”
It is understood that should this move be rubber stamped by Dungannon Council at an emergency meeting convened for this evening, that up to one fifth of the Edendork population would be left with no choice but to ditch the gold and green colours of Edendork, to don the green and gold of Dungannon. If the move were to be successful, it would mean eighteen O’Donnells, five McGearys, half a dozen Mallons would be annexed, and force to play for their closest rivals, with some predicting riots and no more Powerscreen gear being permitted to get near the M1.
In other unrelated news, a row has broken out as to where the real Gortin is, whether at the top of the Coalisland Road, or the other Gortin. Tempers have frayed between several oul biddys on Facebook, who have promised to settle their differences at half time of the Intermediate final. We will be opening a book and selling hot dogs at the event.
Tyrone Crest Buffering Screen On Tyronegaa Live Matches Hypnotising Gaels Into Buy Merchandise, Claims Man
A psychologist from Brackaville maintains he bought three jerseys from O’Neills website straight after he purchased an online game on tyronegaa for £5 which buffered for 38 minutes in total.
Other pundits have also admitted to being similarly transfixed by the buffering screen which features the Tyrone crest and a small swirly ball which moves in a clockwise direction for up to seven solid minutes at a time. Many racked up 100s of pounds buying merchandise straight after games and not remembering doing it.
Pat Gillis, who used to bend spoons with his mind in the 80s, claims there may be a hypnotic algorithm at work here:
“One minute you’re tearing your hair out and calling tyronegaa all the bollockses of the day as you miss three scores and a sending off because of the buffering and staring at that wee ball and the crest, the next you’re feeling the need to buy 20 Tyrone face masks from O’Neills. All of a sudden £5 turns into £120.”
Tyronegaa have denied no such hypnotic approach to the streaming of live games but did admit they had a new head of merchandise PR who has proposed setting up 5G masts in the county for better streaming services.
Meanwhile, supporters have been told to stop f**kin and blinding on live matches as many children have been heard cursing straight after games in homes.
Barbers and hairdressers across the county are said to be dismayed and worried at the lack of customers in their premises since lock down rules were relaxed.
In what is said to be a related trend, over 300 new 80s tribute bands have been registered in the county, with many groups formed within single households featuring siblings with big hair and imitating bands such as Bon Jovi, Bananarama and Europe.
Coalisland barber John ‘Crowbar’ Timlin fumed at the latest development:
“People would need to wise up. Most can sing for none and although they may look the part I wouldn’t spend a penny on going to see a rake of Gervins singing The Final Countdown. Come and get your hairs cut for feck sake.”
Already, four sisters from Brackaville have received several bookings for their tribute band to The Bangles called ‘Yer Bangles’ after growing seriously big hair over the lockdown, even though three of them are tone deaf.
Meanwhile, a barber in Killyman has been reported for taking a Samurai Sword to customers with more difficult barnets.
Uproar In Brackaville As Priest Makes Parishioners Shout Confessions From 100 Metres Away, Up His Lane
Thousands of spectators are gathering in Brackaville to listen to confessions of their neighbours after Fr Gillis demanded they are shouted from the bottom of his lane due to the current health crisis.
Already there have been three major disturbances due to the nature of some confessions, whilst many onlookers drink their carry-outs, sitting in deck chairs and clapping and yahooing at some confessions.
The PSNI confirmed they had been called three times to the area:
“Yes, there was one major incident in the village when a farmer admitted he had impure thoughts about another farmer’s wife. Unfortunately the other farmer was listening too. Another fight occurred when an elderly women confessed she didn’t pay for a Mars Bar in the local garage. The final incident was in relation to a confessor admitting he thought Coalisland people were dicks. People need to mind their own business and go home.”
Cheers and laughing were still echoing around the area this morning as guilt-ridden parishioners divulged personal details to Fr Gillis who at one point appeared to be giggling himself.
The police confirmed that no one will be prosecuted for confessions heard in this manner although they did initially arrest a 49-year old man who confessed he hadn’t used legal diesel since 1997.
Fr Gillis has absolved everyone so far.
By Aughohilly Schniffles
It was discovered this week that the last remaining gas kettle on any construction site anywhere in the Ulster can be found in County Tyrone. The revelation came as part of a Construction Industry Federation (CIF) report into Europe-wide health and safety in construction.
A gang of plasterers from Brackaville are the proud owners of the accolade. Tim Hanna and his four labourers had considered hooking up to an extension cable and a generator like everyone else in the world in 2018, but decided against it some time ago.
When we interviewed Mr. Hanna, he told us:
“the tae tastes better y’see. Its all about how the hydrogen molecules split when acceleration commences at a lower temperature, elongating the period at which the vapour pressure rises above standard of one atmospheric bar . It’s kind of like that thing where if you throw a frog into a pot of hot water he will hop out. But put him in cold water and turn up the heat gradually to a boil and you’ll have one red hot deceased Kermit before long. The only tae to taste better than any from thon ring is my granny’s, God rest her, and she swore by spitting in it. You can ask any of my cousins…. Her’s was pure class…”
Tim Hanna was presented with a bronze gong of a man boiling a kettle for his achievement and will enter the Guinness Book of World Records this December. Mr. Hanna narrowly missed out on being recognised for the award for the whole of the island of Ireland after it was found that a Mr. Michael O’Donnell from County Tipperary, who plies his trade as an electrician also continues to use the gas ring kettle boiling system for his bi-daily brew.
It has emerged that the DUP have been backing a bid for Hanna to be recognised as the only man in the United Kingdom or ‘Great Britain and Northern Ireland’ to continue to opt for a gas fire ring on a building site, but when we spoke to Mr. Hanna he said that they can “go and shite” and that he knows where he would stick their award.
Following on from the innovative idea by the League of Ireland Bohemians soccer club to have an image of Bob Marley on their jerseys, Coalisland Fianna have decided to follow suit and launch a series of potential jerseys for their 2019 campaign.
Although Bohemians have shelved their idea because of image rights, the Fianna club have promised to overcome any potential legal issues by contacting anyone they use on their jersey by email or by even phoning them.
One of the favourites to win the competition is the use of 1985 World Champion and ex-Fianna player Dennis Taylor on the front of the jersey. Dennis recently was guest on a Malachi Cush programme when he tried to remember good times living in Coalisland before he left at 17 years of age. He eventually recalled Edendork bingo hall and started dancing and singing.
The other two candidates for the 2019 Coalisland jersey are a fresh fish supper out of the world-renowned Landi’s and the much beloved traditional Coalisland parking techniques which have been a topic of controversy but a source of local pride for centuries.
Local historian Kitty McGranaghan, who once chased a traffic warden as far as Brackaville by foot, admitted it’s a tough choice on deciding between the three:
“I think if you ask anyone about Coalisland, the three things they’ll talk about is the parking, fish suppers and Dennis Taylor. It’s a pity we have to choose one. My idea would have been to put all three on the jersey.”
Voters have been given up to Christmas Eve to vote on their choice of the three entrants.
Community leaders in Coalisland have called for calm after it emerged that a well-known cafe in Coalisland added beans to their morning fry this morning, resulting in a 200-strong brawl at the roundabout between pro-bean and anti-bean gangs.
Landi’s, where diners travel to from all over Ireland to experience its suppers, maintain the beans are here to stay despite the ongoing riot which is still simmering in pockets around the town, as well as being a non-optional item on the dish.
Anti-bean gang leader Tommy Quinn is adamant that they will succeed in getting the new item removed from the menu:
“It’s a disgrace. I know for a fact that this is to placate the Dungannon ones who we all know are into their beans. But what about us, the loyal local fry-eaters? Beans will never be a staple ingredient of a fry in Coalisland for as long as I’m about. This is worse than the day they added the tomato.”
Three brothers from Brackaville were told to leave the premises at 10am after they demanded a fry with no beans. Despite being warned five times that the beans were a new non-optional item on the menu, they refused to order anything else and proceeded to fire opened ketchup sachets around the room, one of which ruined Fr Toner’s collar.
Seven arrests were made in Annagher after a pro-bean gang from the area defaced a road sign with the message ‘beans are deadly’.
Brackaville And Newmills To Be Flattened To Make Way For Multi-Million Pound Coalisland International Race Track
Although planning approval has been granted for a £29m Coalisland race track which could play host to international motorsport competitions, residents in Brackaville and Newmills have been informed of the small print which spells bad news for them.
All of Brackaville and most of Newmills is to be flattened to make way for the ambitious venture, with both communities to be permanently re-located to hastily erected shanty houses in Derrytresk and Derrylaughan. For the first months, the evictees will receive a daily £20 food voucher which can be spent in Falls’ shop, excluding multipacks of crisps or 2 litre bottles of anything.
Race track co-ordinator, Becky Campbell, admitted the news might be tough to swallow initially:
“I understand there is some anger being vented towards the plans but if we want the likes of Lewis Hamilton and Sebastian Vettel knocking around east Tyrone eating chips, something has to give. We’d thought about flattening Killyman or Lower Annagher but they represent vital thoroughfares for us to get to M1 so it’s the only sensible call. “
Wrecking balls are to begin knocking down everything in Brackaville the day after Hallowe’en with the GAA club first on the list for demolition. Locals have vowed to tie themselves naked to the gates of the pitch which has been met with a ‘go for it’ response from the driver of the crane, Coalisland’s Rosie McSherry.
Derrytresk residents are also planning a protest at the arrival of Newmills ones.
An East Tyrone joiner was this morning lauded ‘a modern-day hero’ after he removed a snail from the side of a metal bucket as it headed towards the mouth of the filled vessel.
Petesy Carberry, who has played down the incident as ‘one of those things anyone would do’, admitted he was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of congratulations and well-wishers since his feat went viral on YouTube:
“It was one of those things that you didn’t think much about at the time. I had just put the kettle on and went outside to the toilet when I saw the slime from the snail making a trail across the yard and right up to the bucket. I just went over and tried talking the snail down but it still edged up to the rim. I could stand it no more and just flicked it off.”
Carberry’s son, Petesy Jnr, recorded the whole incident on his phone from the top window and posted it on YouTube. Until the time of writing, it had been viewed over 7m times with comments such as ‘wow‘, ‘Will you marry me?’ and ‘I’m in tears here‘ posted in the section below the video.
Carberry has already been booked to appear on the various chat shows across the globe as well as odds-on favourite for some form of acknowledgement from the Queen of England which he says he will turn down publicly but may accept in private.
The snail, named Simon by fans, has since been put down after destroying Carberry’s lettuces.
A 45-year-old budding golfer from Ardboe, who took up the sport last month, was asked to leave the British Open Golf Championship in Southport, England, for shouting ‘Mullinahoe’ just as crucial putts were being made on the 18th green.
Billy Forbes, who was attending his first golf tournament this weekend, touched down in Aldergrove tonight stating a serious misunderstanding had been the cause of his eviction:
“I asked the lads in the bar at home what them people were shouting when golfers made a putt, especially in America. They said ‘Mullinahoe’ which is where I was brought up. They said it was in recognition of great Irish golfers over the years. I didn’t know they were really shouting ‘get in the hole’. I was set up.”
Things came to a head when Rory McIlroy heard the ‘Mullinahoe’ shout before he’d even made the shot and pointed him out to the stewards. Fellow spectators said he’d already shouted it over 100 times by that stage.
Meanwhile a bid by the Brackaville 9-hole golf course to hold the 2024 Irish Open met a slight hitch today during an early inspection process by Irish golfing officials, after their head inspector, Graham O’Connor (65), was butted by a buck goat up the 5th hole.
£40,000 Valium Uncovered In Edendork By PSNI Before Tyrone Face ‘Sleeping Giants Of Ulster Football’
By Aughohilly Schniffles
As Tyrone prepare to take on Co Down in defending their Ulster title this Sunday, it has emerged that £40,000 worth of sleeping pills has been found in Edendork.
A PSNI spokesman said the intention by certain Tyrone supporters and perhaps backroom staff was to “keep them sleeping” coming up to the weekend.
Down – commonly known as “The Sleeping Giants of Ulster football” – surprised many with their demolition of Monaghan in this year’s provincial semi-final. Fears are rife in Tyrone that the Mourne men may be awaking from their slumber and that slipping sleeping tablets into the Down training camp over the week was a viable option. Horse Devlin was spotted in Newcastle suspiciously eating an ice-cream on the 12th.
It is believed that the ‘sleeping giants’ tag dates back to the Fionn MacCumhaill days, around the time of that mental story about the Red Hand of Ulster, where the best people in the land lived in the highest of the high, Slieve Donard, whilst their polar opposites lived in Ardboe. PSNI have also been out to Brian McGuigan’s house and forced him to dismantle a giant catapult he had constructed to fling shite all over Newry.
When asked about Down’s ambush on Monaghan the last day out, one Down fan we interviewed said
“Well, you can thank that Matty Donnelly bollocks for saying Tyrone would have a tough game against Monaghan in his post-match BBC interview…”
When we pressed said fan about Down’s chances this Sunday he snorted
“…let’s just say Mickey Harte, who has now been serving his county longer than the fella who did Kermit the Frog, is in for a rude awakening this Sunday.”
There are unconfirmed rumours around Garvaghey that former County star Paul Donnelly has been taking training sessions, teaching the team how to throw opposition players’ boots into the Gerry Arthurs Stand.
Following allegations of shenanigans from the Red Hand County, it has been alleged that Kevin McKernan, the Down midfielder, was responsible for the theft of Colm Cavanagh’s dog Marley last week, who thankfully turned up alive and barking in Stewartstown. Our best wishes go out to Marley, in his recovery of what must have been a very stressful thirty minutes spent in Stewartstown. All the best Marley.
As the UK and the EU begin official talks on the well-documented leaving, many retailers and vendors across the county have confirmed that the amount of miserable hoors has already spiked with an expectation of further rises before the year is out.
Brexit, a shorthand way of saying the UK leaving the EU, has already started to affect spending habits in many shops with several retailers reporting a rise in shoppers demanding 3 for the price of 2 even when it isn’t on offer at all. Others have described punters impatiently waiting for change as low as 1p.
Patrick Lowry, a Fermanagh native who owns a chain of shops in Brackaville and Newmills, fears the worst is yet to come:
“Tyronnies have always been tight enough but the whole Brexit thing has ramped up their stinginess. I followed a man who drove the 4 miles from Coalisland to Dungannon, stopping at 6 petrol stations on the way to put 50p of petrol in each time and then freewheeling going downhill. The Lost & Found shop in Coalisland is packed every minute of the day. Miserable hoors everywhere in daylight.”
Bar managers have complained about groups of men ‘forgetting’ to bring their wallets out with them and standing just drinking tap water in pint glasses until some unfortunate friend arrives with money, with the miserable hoors asking for a pint for which they’ll never return the favour.
“Food sample stalls are destroyed within an hour. I set up a cheese stall in one of my shops and within 10 mins the extended family of a well known Brackaville clan were all around the stall eating exotic cheese for free, all 33 of them. Then they’d shake the life out of the vending machines.”
Restaurant owners in East Tyrone have complained about miserable hoors booking a table, ordering a slice of melon between them and simply taking home hundreds of sachets of salt and tomato sauce.
Today was another momentus day in the career of Coalisland’s snooker guru Dennis Taylor and the town itself as the 3-millionth person claimed to be in Coalisland the day he returned as World Champion in 1985.
Taylor, who overcame being from Tyrone and wearing glasses made by a drunk optician in a shed near Newtownkelly in the 60s, defeated Steve Davis 18-17 in the 1985 final which was finally decided on the final black.
Despite a population of 5000, by the year 2000 it was estimated that over 2 million had claimed to be in Coalisland that glorious day, finally hitting the three million mark yesterday when a 28-year-old from Brackaville said she was there too.
Jacinta Groves, who works in a hairdressers in the town, claims it was a great day:
“Although it was 32 years ago, and I’ve yet to turn 30, I definitely remember being there and seeing Taylor arriving on the back of an enormous cement lorry accompanied by Philomena Begley singing ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’. And then Taylor headed into Sullivan’s and bought about 2 millions bags of crisps and fired them out from the lorry using his snooker cue. It brings a tear to my eye even yet.”
Patsy Quinn (79), who once made a break of 13 in Gervin’s Snooker Club in the 70s, maintains the crowd were backed the whole way up the M1 to Moira in one direction and Strabane the other way:
“3 million sounds about right. Landi’s nearly ran out of sausages and we narrowly avoided a riot by convincing some people to just have beans and chips without the sausages. And Dennis Taylor is only 4 foot 5 inches so no one could see anything on the lorry. It was a bollocks of a day.”
The 3’000’000 tally surpasses the 2.5m who turned up at Edendork Hall when Darren Clarke won the British Open even though Clarke headed to Portrush himself that day.
The recently discovered Book of Aloysious, which was dug up by a pack of hounds on a beach near the Holy Lands, has confirmed a long-held suspicion that Moses visited Coalisland in search of something around 1300BC.
The 15-line discovery described how Moses passed through the town, stopping for for refreshments and a few fights before heading on to Omagh. In an exclusive, Tyrone Tribulations can publish the passage in its entirety.
BOOK OF ALOYSIOUS:
- And Moses gave his loyal donkey one last kick so to reach what was called the ‘island.
- But donkey died of exhaustion because of the big stone thing on his back and was swiftly devoured by the locals who were a hungry people.
- Moses said onto the ‘islanders “where can thou get a drink and something to ate?”
- The ‘islanders looked at each other and one man, the leader called Sullivan, pointed at the small shop called Landees and Moses was happy.
- Moses entered Landees and hailed a supper of fish and a drink of Lilt but was surprised it cost 500 coins.
- And Moses asked Sullivan if there were any virgins for him to pick and Sullivan laughed and screamed in mock anger ‘Holy Moses, are thou kidding ye bollix?’
- Moses answered “Well then bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon”
- And Sullivan gave Moses the finger and said “aye I will, like” and walked off towards his own shop, laughing his head of and saying “Yer man’s pure mental”.
- A man called Lucan of Derryvale disliked Moses because of the turn in his eye and began to fight him with a sword but Moses was a great fighter and and Moses reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into Lucan of Derryvale’s belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.
- And Moses said to bystanders “yiz’ll get the same treatment yiz shower a savages” and flashed his enormous testicles. And Mrs Lucan the new widow of Derryvale smiled. And Moses lifted the big stone thing he was carrying.
- Moses devoured his supper of fish and his drink of Lilt and made for the off-licence through a dangerous maze of donkeys because, in the ‘Island, donkeys could park anywhere.
- And Moses saw a man hanging from a light and asked a resident “Who hangs there?”
- A man with little teeth from the lowlands told him it was a donkey warden and that he was the three score and ten donkey warden to hang that week. And there was much mirth from the locals when thus was said.
- Moses purchased 4 bottles of vodka and a box of beef Mini Chips and walked towards the hill of Brackaville but not before fighting another one of the Lucans and he cursed the ‘Islanders and God sent 40 bears from Gortgonis and they starting fighting the ‘Islanders but the ‘Islanders were expert snipers and defeated the bears.
- And Moses ran like mad up towards Brackaville with his big stone, never to speak of the ‘Islanders again.
Police were called to an East Tyrone drinking establishment after several punters became embroiled in a brawl over a comment made by a regular customer.
Eyewitnesses claim several chairs were smashed over heads in scenes which one drinker said resembled ‘some old bar-room brawl you’d see in the pictures with John Wayne in it‘. The incident escalated after local general expert Leo Lyons claimed that ‘there was a quare stretch in the evenings already’ which was vehemently disputed by three fellow drinkers at the Nally Stand bar in the centre of the town.
An American tourist, Hank Power, who is in the town researching his roots, described the scene:
“A man with a beard stretched back and claimed ‘there’s a quare stretch in the evenings’ to which another man with a beard told him to ‘stop talking pure bollocks’. It sort of took off from there and even the barman broke a bottle of stout over a third man who also had a beard and seemed to be from a distant land called ‘Brack-a-ville’. Even women were swinging handbags.”
Police confirmed that the brawl spilled outside onto the roundabout and fighting numbers were doubled in size when drivers heard what they were arguing about.
Scenes finally settled after the priest was called for and asked to confirm whether or not there was a quare stretch in the evenings. After some thought he declared that there wasn’t a quare stretch really, which appeared to end the riotous scenes apart from another man with a beard who threw a packet of half-eaten KP Salty Nuts at Fr Fay’s vestments as he walked back to his carriage.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Following the demolishing of the Coalisland Barracks this week, the Mid-Ulster council have launched a competition to the public as to what should replace it.
Already there have been over 300 suggestions ranging from a new cinema where the currency is jam jars to a corn mill that actually sells corn.
Early indications show that the idea which has garnered most votes was the suggestion of the erection of a massive hand with the middle finger raised, pointing in the direction of Brackaville, closely followed by a Coalisland Fianna Centre of Excellence which rival wags from Clonoe have renamed the Coalisland Centre of Continued Mediocrity after yesterday’s heavy defeat in the county final.
Tyrone Tribulations got out and about in the town today to ask for ideas. The following list are a snapshot of the suggestions collated during a 3-hour period standing outside Tam Sullivans:
- a ski slope
- a digger-driver training centre
- an international airport
- a ‘Deadly Craic’ theatre
- a lethal chicane for doing handbrake turns coming off Plater’s Hill
- a big triangular spin washing line
- a checked shirt shop
- a boxing ring with barbed wire for ropes to settle family disputes
- a massive catapult to send parcels to family members down south or in England
- an arms dump (for old or broken prosthetic ams)
- a statue to Garth Brooks
The new initiative has created great buzz around the town and surrounding areas although rumours tonight suggest that the Planning Department may be considering a new PSNI station.
The idea of an 18-hole crazy golf course full of old bombed out helicopters for the more nostalgic ‘Islanders was thrown out as contentious.
The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.
The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.
The following list summarises the main changes:
O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.
O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.
O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.
O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.
Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.
A 49-year old Brackaville man was described as ‘cocky’ and ‘unbearable’ after his Renault Scenic repeatedly scorched through Coalisland yesterday morning after a sharp snowstorm covered the east Tyrone town, still using the snow chains he put on in December.
Teddy McGuinness, who works as a part-time traffic light inspector, is also suspected of spraying ‘who’s laughing now, yiz wankers‘ on the side wall of a prominent Coalisland pub overnight.
McGuinness’ one-time friend and fellow train enthusiast Leo Maguire admitted it’ll be hard to ignored the smug demeanour of the Brackaville man:
“To be fair to him, he’s been shipping some stick for months now over his refusal to take off the snow chains from his motor and tractor too. He even drove to Dublin at the weekend to the game on the snow chains and was getting some expletive comments from passers-by on the M1. He kept saying ‘it’s coming, yiz wankers‘ but we would just laugh him out of it, especially as it was approaching May.”
After the snow fell, McGuinness reportedly sped through the town over 20 times on Thursday morning, running errands for neighbours as well as strangers, manically driving over kerbs to avoid traffic jams due to the adverse conditions and beeping at anyone showing hesitancy. Maguire confirmed:
“He was in some form in the Central Bar last night, sitting there with a big cocky head on him, making stupid snow jokes about everything anyone said. I’m convinced it was him who wrote that stuff on the side of the pub wall too. He’s always calling people wankers.”
It was reported that McGuinness finally took off the snow chains this morning from his Renault and Massey Ferguson and has taken to applying factor 50 coconut suntan lotion in preparation for the heatwave some time in the near future, despite serious slagging from locals already.
A source close to the PSNI’s Public Disturbance Department has revealed that every home in the county is to receive a letter outlawing spontaneous outdoor line-dancing battles which appear to be on the rise in the run up to Easter.
The impromptu challenges, which appears to have replaced traditional fist fights and brick throwing sessions, appear to be popular now amongst the 18-35 age group and often take place in alleyways and ramparts in remote country areas after midnight, often fuelled by a cocktail of alcohol and tobacco consumed at discos.
The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, added
“It’s getting out of hand. You’d find lads and women pushing each other, arguing over football or women, and then someone produces a CD player and before you know it you have full-on Garth Brooks blasting at that time of the night and drunken revellers trying to outdo the other with their line-dancing skills. It’s only a matter of time before someone is seriously hurt with a sprained ankle etc. At least with the boxing it was over quick enough. I’ve witnessed these dancing battles last over 3 hours. That’s a lot of Brooks.”
The letter, which effectively bans outdoor shows of line-dancing after midnight, indicates a hefty price will be paid for anyone caught challenging others to an impromptu dance-off. Our source confirmed:
“Already, this weekend, there have been three incidences of line-dancing battles in Brackaville on the Main Road, with hundreds of spectators blocking the road ‘yahooing’ and letting out screams of ‘yup, ye boy ye’ and stuff like that. It’s setting a bad example to children. What’s wrong with a box to the nose or are people too soft now? There’ll be £100 on the spot fines for anyone caught.”
The Tyrone Line-Dancing Committee have condemned any shows of spontaneous outdoor line-dancing challenges under the cover of darkness and have pleaded for people not to demean the good name of their discipline.