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Brackaville And Newmills To Be Flattened To Make Way For Multi-Million Pound Coalisland International Race Track

 

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Artist’s Impression

Although planning approval has been granted for a £29m Coalisland race track which could play host to international motorsport competitions, residents in Brackaville and Newmills have been informed of the small print which spells bad news for them.

 

All of Brackaville and most of Newmills is to be flattened to make way for the ambitious venture, with both communities to be permanently re-located to hastily erected shanty houses in Derrytresk and Derrylaughan. For the first months, the evictees will receive a daily £20 food voucher which can be spent in Falls’ shop, excluding multipacks of crisps or 2 litre bottles of anything.

Race track co-ordinator, Becky Campbell, admitted the news might be tough to swallow initially:

 “I understand there is some anger being vented towards the plans but if we want the likes of Lewis Hamilton and Sebastian Vettel knocking around east Tyrone eating chips, something has to give. We’d thought about flattening Killyman or Lower Annagher but they represent vital thoroughfares for us to get to M1 so it’s the only sensible call. “

Wrecking balls are to begin knocking down everything in Brackaville the day after Hallowe’en with the GAA club first on the list for demolition. Locals have vowed to tie themselves naked to the gates of the pitch which has been met with a ‘go for it’ response from the driver of the crane, Coalisland’s Rosie McSherry.

Derrytresk residents are also planning a protest at the arrival of Newmills ones.

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Brackaville Hero Saves Snail From Potentially Drowning In Bucket

 

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Simon the snail RIP

An East Tyrone joiner was this morning lauded ‘a modern-day hero’ after he removed a snail from the side of a metal bucket as it headed towards the mouth of the filled vessel. 

 

Petesy Carberry, who has played down the incident as ‘one of those things anyone would do’, admitted he was overwhelmed by the sheer volume of congratulations and well-wishers since his feat went viral on YouTube:

“It was one of those things that you didn’t think much about at the time. I had just put the kettle on and went outside to the toilet when I saw the slime from the snail making a trail across the yard and right up to the bucket. I just went over and tried talking the snail down but it still edged up to the rim. I could stand it no more and just flicked it off.”

Carberry’s son, Petesy Jnr, recorded the whole incident on his phone from the top window and posted it on YouTube. Until the time of writing, it had been viewed over 7m times with comments such as ‘wow‘, ‘Will you marry me?’ and ‘I’m in tears here‘ posted in the section below the video.

Carberry has already been booked to appear on the various chat shows across the globe as well as odds-on favourite for some form of acknowledgement from the Queen of England which he says he will turn down publicly but may accept in private.

The snail, named Simon by fans, has since been put down after destroying Carberry’s lettuces.

Ardboe Spectator Kicked Out Of British Open For Shouting ‘Mullinahoe’ During Putts

 

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Not Mullinahoe

A 45-year-old budding golfer from Ardboe, who took up the sport last month, was asked to leave the British Open Golf Championship in Southport, England, for shouting ‘Mullinahoe’ just as crucial putts were being made on the 18th green. 

 

Billy Forbes, who was attending his first golf tournament this weekend, touched down in Aldergrove tonight stating a serious misunderstanding had been the cause of his eviction:

“I asked the lads in the bar at home what them people were shouting when golfers made a putt, especially in America. They said ‘Mullinahoe’ which is where I was brought up. They said it was in recognition of great Irish golfers over the years. I didn’t know they were really shouting ‘get in the hole’. I was set up.”

Things came to a head when Rory McIlroy heard the ‘Mullinahoe’ shout before he’d even made the shot and pointed him out to the stewards. Fellow spectators said he’d already shouted it over 100 times by that stage.

Meanwhile a bid by the Brackaville 9-hole golf course to hold the 2024 Irish Open met a slight hitch today during an early inspection process by Irish golfing officials, after their head inspector, Graham O’Connor (65), was butted by a buck goat up the 5th hole.

 

£40,000 Valium Uncovered In Edendork By PSNI Before Tyrone Face ‘Sleeping Giants Of Ulster Football’

By Aughohilly Schniffles

sleeping-pillsAs Tyrone prepare to take on Co Down in defending their Ulster title this Sunday, it has emerged that £40,000 worth of sleeping pills has been found in Edendork.

A PSNI spokesman said the intention by certain Tyrone supporters and perhaps backroom staff was to “keep them sleeping” coming up to the weekend.

Down – commonly known as “The Sleeping Giants of Ulster football” – surprised many with their demolition of Monaghan in this year’s provincial semi-final. Fears are rife in Tyrone that the Mourne men may be awaking from their slumber and that slipping sleeping tablets into the Down training camp over the week was a viable option. Horse Devlin was spotted in Newcastle suspiciously eating an ice-cream on the 12th.

It is believed that the ‘sleeping giants’ tag dates back to the Fionn MacCumhaill days, around the time of that mental story about the Red Hand of Ulster, where the best people in the land lived in the highest of the high, Slieve Donard, whilst their polar opposites lived in Ardboe. PSNI have also been out to Brian McGuigan’s house and forced him to dismantle a giant catapult he had constructed to fling shite all over Newry.

When asked about Down’s ambush on Monaghan the last day out, one Down fan we interviewed said

“Well, you can thank that Matty Donnelly bollocks for saying Tyrone would have a tough game against Monaghan in his post-match BBC interview…”

When we pressed said fan about Down’s chances this Sunday he snorted

…let’s just say Mickey Harte, who has now been serving his county longer than the fella who did Kermit the Frog, is in for a rude awakening this Sunday.”

There are unconfirmed rumours around Garvaghey that former County star Paul Donnelly has been taking training sessions, teaching the team how to throw opposition players’ boots into the Gerry Arthurs Stand.

Following allegations of shenanigans from the Red Hand County, it has been alleged that Kevin McKernan, the Down midfielder, was responsible for the theft of Colm Cavanagh’s dog Marley last week, who thankfully turned up alive and barking in Stewartstown. Our best wishes go out to Marley, in his recovery of what must have been a very stressful thirty minutes spent in Stewartstown. All the best Marley.

Brexit Fears Sparks Rise In Miserable Hoors

i_love_stinginess_mug-r185d68c717ef45a6a62bd81ce4aa575c_x7jgr_8byvr_324As the UK and the EU begin official talks on the well-documented leaving, many retailers and vendors across the county have confirmed that the amount of miserable hoors has already spiked with an expectation of further rises before the year is out.

Brexit, a shorthand way of saying the UK leaving the EU, has already started to affect spending habits in many shops with several retailers reporting a rise in shoppers demanding 3 for the price of 2 even when it isn’t on offer at all. Others have described punters impatiently waiting for change as low as 1p.

Patrick Lowry, a Fermanagh native who owns a chain of shops in Brackaville and Newmills, fears the worst is yet to come:

“Tyronnies have always been tight enough but the whole Brexit thing has ramped up their stinginess. I followed a man who drove the 4 miles from Coalisland to Dungannon, stopping at 6 petrol stations on the way to put 50p of petrol in each time and then freewheeling going downhill. The Lost & Found shop in Coalisland is packed every minute of the day. Miserable hoors everywhere in daylight.”

Bar managers have complained about groups of men ‘forgetting’ to bring their wallets out with them and standing just drinking tap water in pint glasses until some unfortunate friend arrives with money, with the miserable hoors asking for a pint for which they’ll never return the favour.

“Food sample stalls are destroyed within an hour. I set up a cheese stall in one of my shops and within 10 mins the extended family of a well known Brackaville clan were all around the stall eating exotic cheese for free, all 33 of them. Then they’d shake the life out of the vending machines.”

Restaurant owners in East Tyrone have complained about miserable hoors booking a table, ordering a slice of melon between them and simply taking home hundreds of sachets of salt and tomato sauce.

Attendance At Dennis Taylor’s 1985 Homecoming In Coalisland Reaches 3 Million

153345893-64487aaa-c41d-4a55-8e8d-8365b47fe77eToday was another momentus day in the career of Coalisland’s snooker guru Dennis Taylor and the town itself as the 3-millionth person claimed to be in Coalisland the day he returned as World Champion in 1985.

Taylor, who overcame being from Tyrone and wearing glasses made by a drunk optician in a shed near Newtownkelly in the 60s, defeated Steve Davis 18-17 in the 1985 final which was finally decided on the final black.

Despite a population of 5000, by the year 2000 it was estimated that over 2 million had claimed to be in Coalisland that glorious day, finally hitting the three million mark yesterday when a 28-year-old from Brackaville said she was there too.

Jacinta Groves, who works in a hairdressers in the town, claims it was a great day:

“Although it was 32 years ago, and I’ve yet to turn 30, I definitely remember being there and seeing Taylor arriving on the back of an enormous cement lorry accompanied by Philomena Begley singing ‘He’s Got The Whole World In His Hands’. And then Taylor headed into Sullivan’s and bought about 2 millions bags of crisps and fired them out from the lorry using his snooker cue. It brings a tear to my eye even yet.”

Patsy Quinn (79), who once made a break of 13 in Gervin’s Snooker Club in the 70s, maintains the crowd were backed the whole way up the M1 to Moira in one direction and Strabane the other way:

“3 million sounds about right. Landi’s nearly ran out of sausages and we narrowly avoided a riot by convincing some people to just have beans and chips without the sausages. And Dennis Taylor is only 4 foot 5 inches so no one could see anything on the lorry. It was a bollocks of a day.”

The 3’000’000 tally surpasses the 2.5m who turned up at Edendork Hall when Darren Clarke won the British Open even though Clarke headed to Portrush himself that day.

Lost Old Testament Verse Confirms Moses Visited Coalisland

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Moses approaching the Lineside

The recently discovered Book of Aloysious, which was dug up by a pack of hounds on a beach near the Holy Lands, has confirmed a long-held suspicion that Moses visited Coalisland in search of something around 1300BC.

The 15-line discovery described how Moses passed through the town, stopping for for refreshments and a few fights before heading on to Omagh. In an exclusive, Tyrone Tribulations can publish the passage in its entirety.

BOOK OF ALOYSIOUS:

  1. And Moses gave his loyal donkey one last kick so to reach what was called the ‘island.
  2. But donkey died of exhaustion because of the big stone thing on his back and was swiftly devoured by the locals who were a hungry people.
  3. Moses said onto the ‘islanders “where can thou get a drink and something to ate?”
  4. The ‘islanders looked at each other and one man, the leader called Sullivan, pointed at the small shop called Landees and Moses was happy.
  5. Moses entered Landees and hailed a supper of fish and a drink of Lilt but was surprised it cost 500 coins.
  6. And Moses asked Sullivan if there were any virgins for him to pick and Sullivan laughed and screamed in mock anger ‘Holy Moses, are thou kidding ye bollix?’
  7. Moses answered “Well then bring me a heifer three years old, a she-goat, three years old, a ram three years old, a turtle dove and a young pigeon”
  8. And Sullivan gave Moses the finger and said “aye I will, like” and walked off towards his own shop, laughing his head of and saying “Yer man’s pure mental”.
  9. A man called Lucan of Derryvale disliked Moses because of the turn in his eye and began to fight him with a sword but Moses was a great fighter and and Moses reached with his left hand, took the sword from his right thigh, and thrust it into Lucan of Derryvale’s belly. And the hilt also went in after the blade, and the fat closed over the blade, for he did not pull the sword out of his belly; and the dung came out.
  10. And Moses said to bystanders “yiz’ll get the same treatment yiz shower a savages” and flashed his enormous testicles. And Mrs Lucan the new widow of Derryvale smiled. And Moses lifted the big stone thing he was carrying.
  11. Moses devoured his supper of fish and his drink of Lilt and made for the off-licence through a dangerous maze of donkeys because, in the ‘Island, donkeys could park anywhere.
  12. And Moses saw a man hanging from a light and asked a resident “Who hangs there?”
  13. A man with little teeth from the lowlands told him it was a donkey warden and that he was the three score and ten donkey warden to hang that week. And there was much mirth from the locals when thus was said.
  14. Moses purchased 4 bottles of vodka and a box of beef Mini Chips and walked towards the hill of Brackaville but not before fighting another one of the Lucans and he cursed the ‘Islanders and God sent 40 bears from Gortgonis and they starting fighting the ‘Islanders but the ‘Islanders were expert snipers and defeated the bears.
  15. And Moses ran like mad up towards Brackaville with his big stone, never to speak of the ‘Islanders again.

Brawl In Coalisland Pub Over Quare Stretch In The Evening Comment

malahidesunsetPolice were called to an East Tyrone drinking establishment after several punters became embroiled in a brawl over a comment made by a regular customer. 

Eyewitnesses claim several chairs were smashed over heads in scenes which one drinker said resembled ‘some old bar-room brawl you’d see in the pictures with John Wayne in it‘. The incident escalated after local general expert Leo Lyons claimed that ‘there was a quare stretch in the evenings already’ which was vehemently disputed by three fellow drinkers at the Nally Stand bar in the centre of the town.

An American tourist, Hank Power, who is in the town researching his roots, described the scene:

“A man with a beard stretched back and claimed ‘there’s a quare stretch in the evenings’ to which another man with a beard told him to ‘stop talking pure bollocks’. It sort of took off from there and even the barman broke a bottle of stout over a third man who also had a beard and seemed to be from a distant land called ‘Brack-a-ville’. Even women were swinging handbags.”

Police confirmed that the brawl spilled outside onto the roundabout and fighting numbers were doubled in size when drivers heard what they were arguing about.

Scenes finally settled after the priest was called for and asked to confirm whether or not there was a quare stretch in the evenings. After some thought he declared that there wasn’t a quare stretch really, which appeared to end the riotous scenes apart from another man with a beard who threw a packet of half-eaten KP Salty Nuts at Fr Fay’s vestments as he walked back to his carriage.

Mid Ulster Council Open Suggestion Box For Coalisland Barracks Replacement

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By Aughoughilley Schniffles old-man-laughing

Following the demolishing of the Coalisland Barracks this week, the Mid-Ulster council have launched a competition to the public as to what should replace it. 

Already there have been over 300 suggestions ranging from a new cinema where the currency is jam jars to a corn mill that actually sells corn.

Early indications show that the idea which has garnered most votes was the suggestion of the erection of a massive hand with the middle finger raised, pointing in the direction of Brackaville, closely followed by a Coalisland Fianna Centre of Excellence which rival wags from Clonoe have renamed the Coalisland Centre of Continued Mediocrity after yesterday’s heavy defeat in the county final.

Tyrone Tribulations got out and about in the town today to ask for ideas. The following list are a snapshot of the suggestions collated during a 3-hour period standing outside Tam Sullivans:

  • a ski slope
  • a digger-driver training centre
  • an international airport
  • a ‘Deadly Craic’ theatre
  • a lethal chicane for doing handbrake turns coming off Plater’s Hill
  • a big triangular spin washing line
  • a checked shirt shop
  • a boxing ring with barbed wire for ropes to settle family disputes
  • a massive catapult to send parcels to family members down south or in England
  • an arms dump (for old or broken prosthetic ams)
  • a statue to Garth Brooks

The new initiative has created great buzz around the town and surrounding areas although rumours tonight suggest that the Planning Department may be considering a new PSNI station.

The idea of an 18-hole crazy golf course full of old bombed out helicopters for the more nostalgic ‘Islanders was thrown out as contentious.

Tyrone O’Neills To Be Re-Classified On Physical Characteristics

Typical O'Neill from Coalisland

Typical O’Neill from Coalisland

The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.

The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.

The following list summarises the main changes:

O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.

O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.

O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.

O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.

Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.

Smug Brackaville Man Was Still Using Snow Chains On Tyres

hqdefaultA 49-year old Brackaville man was described as ‘cocky’ and ‘unbearable’ after his Renault Scenic repeatedly scorched through Coalisland yesterday morning after a sharp snowstorm covered the east Tyrone town, still using the snow chains he put on in December.

Teddy McGuinness, who works as a part-time traffic light inspector, is also suspected of spraying ‘who’s laughing now, yiz wankers‘ on the side wall of a prominent Coalisland pub overnight.

McGuinness’ one-time friend and fellow train enthusiast Leo Maguire admitted it’ll be hard to ignored the smug demeanour of the Brackaville man:

“To be fair to him, he’s been shipping some stick for months now over his refusal to take off the snow chains from his motor and tractor too. He even drove to Dublin at the weekend to the game on the snow chains and was getting some expletive comments from passers-by on the M1. He kept saying ‘it’s coming, yiz wankers‘ but we would just laugh him out of it, especially as it was approaching May.”

After the snow fell, McGuinness reportedly sped through the town over 20 times on Thursday morning, running errands for neighbours as well as strangers, manically driving over kerbs to avoid traffic jams due to the adverse conditions and beeping at anyone showing hesitancy. Maguire confirmed:

“He was in some form in the Central Bar last night, sitting there with a big cocky head on him, making stupid snow jokes about everything anyone said. I’m convinced it was him who wrote that stuff on the side of the pub wall too. He’s always calling people wankers.”

It was reported that McGuinness finally took off the snow chains this morning from his Renault and Massey Ferguson and has taken to applying factor 50 coconut suntan lotion in preparation for the heatwave some time in the near future, despite serious slagging from locals already.

 

Police Warn Tyrone Residents To Desist From Outdoor Line-Dancing Battles

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Coalisland Man Limbers Up

A source close to the PSNI’s Public Disturbance Department has revealed that every home in the county is to receive a letter outlawing spontaneous outdoor line-dancing battles which appear to be on the rise in the run up to Easter.

The impromptu challenges, which appears to have replaced traditional fist fights and brick throwing sessions, appear to be popular now amongst the 18-35 age group and often take place in alleyways and ramparts in remote country areas after midnight, often fuelled by a cocktail of alcohol and tobacco consumed at discos.

The source, who wishes to remain anonymous, added

“It’s getting out of hand. You’d find lads and women pushing each other, arguing over football or women, and then someone produces a CD player and before you know it you have full-on Garth Brooks blasting at that time of the night and drunken revellers trying to outdo the other with their line-dancing skills. It’s only a matter of time before someone is seriously hurt with a sprained ankle etc. At least with the boxing it was over quick enough. I’ve witnessed these dancing battles last over 3 hours. That’s a lot of Brooks.”

The letter, which effectively bans outdoor shows of line-dancing after midnight, indicates a hefty price will be paid for anyone caught challenging others to an impromptu dance-off. Our source confirmed:

“Already, this weekend, there have been three incidences of line-dancing battles in Brackaville on the Main Road, with hundreds of spectators blocking the road ‘yahooing’ and letting out screams of ‘yup, ye boy ye’ and stuff like that. It’s setting a bad example to children. What’s wrong with a box to the nose or are people too soft now? There’ll be £100 on the spot fines for anyone caught.”

The Tyrone Line-Dancing Committee have condemned any shows of spontaneous outdoor line-dancing challenges under the cover of darkness and have pleaded for people not to demean the good name of their discipline.

Nigerian Windfall Delights Brackaville Boiler Servicer

money falling in the sky and green grass background

WIndfall in Brackaville

The unfortunate death of a mysterious Nigerian government official has created a multi-millionaire in Brackaville today, with an unemployed boiler servicer currently £45m richer than he was before he opened the email.

Patsy Nugent, who just happened to see the vital email whilst checking for on-line pictures of a new oil-fired boiler out in Russia, admits he never knew he had a relative in Nigeria or even outside of Tyrone.

“I couldn’t believe it. Some Nigerian businessman called Mr Savevi was killed on safari and in his will he left all his fortune to me as I was his last living relative. His secretary Miss Kuko says I’m to travel to Dublin, pay some man £6000 for storing all the money, and then they’ll hand over the £45m. It’s just too good to be true but I’m a lucky sort of boy.”

Patsy is to book Brackaville Hall this Saturday night to throw a party for the locals, a gesture which has not gone down well with everyone:

“You’d think he’s put on a free bar after his Nigerian windfall. And he has booked More Power To Your Elbow…like he could have gotten Elton John or Mick Jagger for that money. It has left a bad taste in my mouth anyway. The sooner he pisses off to his mates in Nigeria the better.”

neighbour and former close friend Gerry McGroarty told us.

The Edendork Pipe Band are to see off Mr Nugent as he sets out for Dublin, flanking his slow-moving car whilst playing ‘Faith of our Fathers’ and ‘Money, Money, Money’.

Mr Nugent claims he will pay the 6000 in Euros, saving him even more money.

 

Brackaville Man Pushing Wheelbarrow Receives Speeding Ticket

Gillis' barrow in happier times

Gillis’ barrow in happier times

A Brackaville builder has described the actions of the PSNI as ‘petty’ after he received a speeding caution whilst pushing a wheelbarrow down to Coalisland to get its tyre fixed.

Fonsie Gillis (58) was snapped on the downhill slope on Barrack Street pavement going at 8mph outside a school crossing with a 5mph speed limit. Gillis, who initially told the police he was ‘Dr Who’ when cautioned at the bottom of the hill, maintains the PSNI traffic controllers were being petty:

“Anyone who has wheeled a wheelbarrow down Barrack Street knows the thing can get away from you if you’re not careful. Instead of fighting the barrow, I went with it and ran at a steady pace. I even saw the police sitting in a van with the hair-dryer but never did I think they were monitoring me in a million years. There were motors flying past me.”

Gillis, who was as far as Dixon Court when he was eventually stopped, maintains he was going to a hardware store in Coalisland to fix a wobbly wheel. A close friend explained how feelings were running high in the area since the incident:

“Fonsie loved that barrow. He’d go everywhere with it. We’re not happy with what appears to be a deliberate sting on Gillis all because last week he legally parked it in the last parking space in Coalisland, forcing a PSNI motor to park miles away.”

A PSNI spokesman confirmed they issued a £90 fine to a 58 year old Brackaville man claiming to be ‘Dr Who’ for travelling at 8mph on Barrack Street in a restricted speed section of the road.

Gillis has 90 days to pay the fine and has been banned from operating wheelbarrows or any other small hand propelled vehicles. The wheelbarrow in question has been confiscated for the duration of the fining period.

Dolores, The Psychic Eel Who Predicted Wins For Aghaloo And Edendork, Killed And Gutted

Dolores, the psychic eel

Dolores, the psychic eel

PSNI officials are pointing the finger at Urney supporters after Dolores, the celebrity psychic eel from Ardboe, was found hanging from a nail hammered into an electric pole near Strabane. Police said the eel had been gutted.

At a well-attended showbiz event yesterday in front of over 40 onlookers including Plunkett Donaghy, Dolores was thrown into a tank with a stone at either side in the colours of each of the Intermediate finalists. The eel, who correctly predicted the new pope as well as the Great Wind of ’87, immediately swam towards the Edendork eel, indicating she thought the East Tyrone side would lift the title. To make matters worse, Dolores headed towards the Urney-coloured stone and defecated on it.

Witnesses confirmed that the Urney contingent in attendance appeared agitated at the proceedings, making neck-slicing gestures at the eel after it did its business on the Urney stone, with one Urney supporter reportedly shouting ‘you’re dead meat, Dolores’.

Ardboe fisherman Johnny Quinn remarked;

“I can’t believe Dolores is dead. Them bastards are savages.”

Dolores also predicted Aghaloo would win the Junior final over Brackaville Owen Roes, with both sides apparently happy with the eel’s prediction, suggesting the Owen Roes have a hefty bet on Aghaloo winning also.

Dolores’ remains will be arriving home tonight to Ardboe with a Mass at 8:30 pm followed by an outdoor barbecue where Dolores will be eaten.

Beijing Cameraman Who Floored Bolt ‘Has Tyrone Blood’ Says Joe Brolly

The cameraman who took out Usain Bolt after his victorious 200m run has been accused of having ‘Tyrone cynicism’ in his DNA after Joe Brolly claimed his grandmother was one of the Corrs from mid-Ulster.

Tao Song, who appeared from nowhere to flatten the champion sprinter, apologised to Bolt at the awards ceremony but too late for RTE pundit Brolly:

“Young Song might be a great cameraman but you can forget about him as a man as far as I’m concerned. You see the Chinese jumping up and down there thinking their camera work has been great but they’ve achieved something rotten in my book. I won’t be going for a pint with him any time soon. He’s one of the Brackaville Corrs I’m told. Not surprised.”

Colm O’Rourke backed his RTE counterpart after a slo-mo analysis of the incident:

“You can see this has been coached into him. It has Harte’s fingerprints all over it, the way he sneaked up and just pulled his man down and the pretended to be hurt himself. This type of behaviour has been following the Beijing cameramen around like a bad smell. It’ll come back to bite them the next time the voting takes place for a major event.”

Michael Corr, head of the Corr Clan organisation in Tyrone confirmed that a Corr woman did marry a Chinese man in 1933 but wanted to set the record straight:

“Yes it looks bad but what about all the other camera man stuff that goes on? Why are they picking on young Song who is a nice modest lad and who knows he probably shouldn’t have done it.”

Brolly also intimated that Song indulged in a bit of sledging before the incident, shouting at Bolt in a thick Chinese/Mid-Ulster accent:

“Let’s see ye run from this ye glipe”

Stiff Dog Litter Fines In Brackaville Sees Rise In Canine Nappies

An early model

An early model

Draconian measures by the Department of Environment on the long-running problem of dog-littering in Brackaville has resulted in a lucrative dog-nappy business in Coalisland publishing record profits for the third month running.

The DoE announced last month that any dog caught fouling in the Brackaville area will result in a £5000 fine for its owner after thousands of complaints by non-dog owners were made in 2014 over the amount of dog excrement on the roads and pavements. Coalisland residents were having to take the long way around in their motors to get to Newmills as cars were being destroyed by the fresh litter from dogs as big as ‘Russian Alsations on steroids’ according to Coalisland joiner Patsy Hamill:

“Something had to be done like. Them Brackavillians seem to have a blind spot for what their pets do in public. I know they love their dogs up there but sure I love my children but I don’t let them dung all over the town.”

Local businessman Jody McNeill claims he is not cashing in on Brackaville’s misfortune but is in fact providing a much-needed service in the same way a doctor does, with his dog-nappy venture ‘Dog Done Dung?‘.

Dog Done Dung? has saved Brackavillians thousands of pounds in fines. And we’re keeping with the times as our new range of nappies instantly tweets ‘I done dung’ on its personal Twitter account for that dog. And we’ve all shaped and sizes and even seductive ones for dogs on heat.”

McNeill confirmed dog-nappies retail from £9.99 for small dogs to £29.99 for Wolfhounds.

Fraudulent Salesman Sold Newmills Woman ‘A Bit Of The Sky’

Sky divided in Brackaville

Sky divided in Brackaville

The PSNI have warned people in East Tyrone to be wary of a man with a strong South Armagh accent going from door-to-door selling bits of the sky above their houses.

The fraudster, who calls himself ‘Francie’, claims to work for ‘The Sky’ and attempts to sell 16-square feet of sky for £322 in a one-off cash payment. Police have worked out that he targets houses with no satellite dishes in the hope that the residents don’t know much about how Sky TV works.

One woman from Newmills, Dervla Adkins (44), admitted she took on the deal despite having grave reservations about how it all worked:

“Francie from The Sky was very convincing. He said the new Tory government were going to privatise any bits of sky not already bought and that they’d be using it for testing missiles and stuff. I certainly didn’t want that over my roof so I bought it and he gave me a certificate explaining the area of the sky I owned. He said my TV reception would be deadly now too because birds and things would not be allowed to fly through a purchased bit of sky.”

Adkins revealed her suspicions to the police after she spotted a whole flock of blackbirds sitting on her chimney the next day in her recently purchased sky bit, without a care in the world.

The PSNI have received 32 calls from house-owners in the greater Coalisland area who also fell for the sky deal. They were also called to a violent argument in Brackaville over who owned what bit of sky for kite flying and for smoke blowing from chimneys into other bits of sky owned by others.

Brackaville Man ‘On Tablets’ After Sitting Between 3 Brocagh Women At Judo Practice For Hour

3 Brocagh women discuss the price of sausages

3 Brocagh women discuss the price of sausages

A previously happy 45-year old electrician from Brackaville has been described as ‘a shell of himself’ after suffering a severe reaction to listening to three Brocagh women whilst waiting for his daughter to come out of Judo practice in Coalisland.

Kevin O’Carland, whose 9-year old daughter only started Judo practice that week, endured an hour of listening to a range of topics from nail varnish to the weather as well as how much weight Eamonn Holmes had lost recently.

Speaking in a darkened room with a towel over his head, O’Carland revealed how he took part in the opening 3 minutes of discussion before eventually losing the will to live with 25 minutes left of the lesson:

“I forced a smile at the start when they started talking about the election and how all politicians were crooked and how it wasn’t worth voting. Small talk I suppose but when I tried to say something about hung parliaments and proportional voting the whole thing went quiet and I felt a bit awkward. Luckily someone mentioned the weather and I was off the hook.”

O’Carland described how the time seemed to stand still for 50 minutes as all three women talked at the same time about how wonderful their children were at everything as well as what they were eating that night as well as the last 15 nights.

“At about 35 minutes I was sweating in case I was asked something as I had zoned out during the Eamonn Holmes Atkins Diet discussion, despite the small confines of the waiting room. I just stared at whoever was talking which was usually all three at once. My head was spinning. All I could do was sing rebel songs inside my head to see me through the ordeal.”

With 5 minutes left of the lesson, O’Carland flipped and randomly began letting out curse words and laughing to himself at nothing whilst the three women discussed how lovely the visiting priest was at Brocagh mass on Sunday.

Doctors do not expect Kevin to make a full recovery.

Fears Over Solar Eclipse Naked Dancing In Brackaville Heightened

Ritual on Brackaville Golf Course during the '99 eclipse

Ritual on Brackaville Golf Course during the ’99 eclipse

Political and religious leaders were today said to be on red alert on the eve of a near-total solar eclipse after rumours began circulating that a repeat of the 1999 solar eclipse activities around Brackaville and the greater Coalisland area may be on the cards.

Back then, over 200 residents were lifted by police for public nudity, burning of pagan symbols, shouting at clergy and general wrecking about for the entirety of the eclipse. 45 year old lorry mechanic Kevin Carland made the international headlines when he was videoed panicking at the semi-darkness, removing his clothes and running down the Brackaville Road shouting ‘we’re all going to die’ before ordering two pints of stout in the Canal End Bar and kissing women he secretly liked.

Local Independent Councillor Patricia Maguire spent the day reminding people in Brackaville that what happens tomorrow can be explained by studying astronomy and is not a sign from God:

“People need to calm down. Surely everyone can remember from 16 years ago that it passes over in an hour or so. Every time this happens here, people forget themselves and lose their heads completely. It like as if folk here are just looking for any excuse to strip off and go mad, going right back to 1344.”

Maguire’s plea is likely to fall on deaf ears as shopkeepers in the area reported a spike in soap and Vosene shampoo, suggesting many locals are showering tonight in anticipation of baring all tomorrow. Priests, who often bear the brunt of unwarranted abuse during the eclipse, have been advised to stay indoors and not to look directly at lay people.

Meanwhile, Stormont has confirmed there’ll be no claims processed for a loss in solar power during the eclipse for houses using alternative energy.

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