Sources have confirmed that the English PM Boris Johnson made an unexpected break across the Blackwater in an attempt to catch sight of either Darren McCurry or Sam Maguire, both highly desired icons in the northern hemisphere.
To his delight, Johnson encountered both the Dazzler and the cup in a boutique in Dungannon which McCurry was visiting to get kitted out for the All Star awards in December. The Edendork sharpshooter had coincidentally brought Sam Maguire along to make sure he could lift it when wearing a tight-fitting shirt.
Although no photos exist of the occasion, onlookers described how Johnson persisted in calling McCurry ‘The Dangler’ and dropped the cup five times during a three minute conversation. Johnson proceeded to have a fish supper from a van on the Killymeal Road before heading back to Armagh.
Boris Johnson was in Armagh to commemorate 100 years of Buckfast brewing in Lurgan.
For the record, Dazzler opted for a William Westmancott Ultimate Bespoke Suit which is designed and woven in a traditional Irish mill near Killyman. Padraig Hamspey will be wearing 32-inch Wranglers and a Top Gear ’96 t-shirt.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
Officials in Edendork are up in arms alleging that Dungannon Borough Council are guilty of engaging in “gaelic gerrymandering”, following new 30mph limit signs being relocated to just south of Darren McCurry’s home house, extending Dungannon’s reach by a couple of miles.
The chairman of the club has accused Dungannon Clarkes GAA as having a hand in the action, in a bid to annex some of the local talent to assist its mission for a first ever O’Neill cup victory on Sunday 20 September.
Groundsman, Peadar McAtasney, confirmed:
“Aye they are some shower of bolloxes. The signs were unearthed at 2.00am last night and wheeled down the road on the back of a Datsun and re-erected just outside Mallaghans. They are hoping that it means that by default McCurry becomes a Clarkes man, and will tog out for them in the Senior final. I heard on the grapevine they wanted to get it as far as Morgan’s home place too, but that would mean taking half of Brackaville with them, and sure what would be the point in that. It’s unreal, considering the wealth they have at their disposal with all the endorsements and prime billions in sponsorship that comes with being based in a major town, that they would stoop to such a low”
Husband of one, McAtasney, went on, pointedly:
“sure luk at the cut of thon: it says you are now leaving Dungannon right outside our pitch. My Grandfather didn’t die in the war for this. It would sicken ye… Anyway, I’m away to move these sheep, they’re atein’ away at the goal mouth there a bit much”
It is understood that should this move be rubber stamped by Dungannon Council at an emergency meeting convened for this evening, that up to one fifth of the Edendork population would be left with no choice but to ditch the gold and green colours of Edendork, to don the green and gold of Dungannon. If the move were to be successful, it would mean eighteen O’Donnells, five McGearys, half a dozen Mallons would be annexed, and force to play for their closest rivals, with some predicting riots and no more Powerscreen gear being permitted to get near the M1.
In other unrelated news, a row has broken out as to where the real Gortin is, whether at the top of the Coalisland Road, or the other Gortin. Tempers have frayed between several oul biddys on Facebook, who have promised to settle their differences at half time of the Intermediate final. We will be opening a book and selling hot dogs at the event.
Pope Francis, who has been lauded as one of the more progressive popes in recent centuries, surprised worshippers during an open air Mass in Philadelphia with an audible outburst during a minute’s silence for private intentions.
The Pope, who momentarily forgot he had a microphone wired into his robes, finished the silent minute with a quite clear ‘C’mon Urney te feck’ before blessing himself and carrying on with the rest of the ceremony.
Urney supporter and jersey washer Harriet McElhinney is adamant that, as expected, God is on the side of the West Tyrone men as they prepare for the Intermediate final against Edendork:
“We’re not getting complacent or anything but surely this is a sign that the man above is watching over us in our pursuit of senior status. Pope Francis is obviously keeping a close eye on Urney St Columba’s this year. I’d say he’s not overly fond of Edendork what with their gambling and all in that bingo hall. And St Malachy wasn’t half the man Columba was. Sure didn’t Columba build a monastery in Derry with his own hands, plastering it himself and him with his back broke from rowing back and forth to Scotland for sand.”
Papal officials confirmed Francis did not know his microphone was on at all times and apologised to Edendork players, officials and supporters, adding that McCurry would ‘take some watching’.
Meanwhile, the Vatican have granted Urney an audience with the Pope this week but have yet to decide whether or not to accept the gift of a bottle of home-made poitin after recent figures suggested 98 bottles of wine are consumed per person in the Vatican per year. Pope Francis maintains accepting the gift would be a bad start for his ‘Go Sober In October’ initiative.
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
It was revealed at last night’s emergency Tyrone County Board meeting that, due to Tyrone’s “higher than expected” scoring concessions in the National Football League Division One campaign, the Red Hand County will be using new 3D print technology to create SIX new copies of Ryan McMenamin.
Tyrone, having scored 140 points and conceded 135 points in the 2014 NFL, will be looking to tighten up for their championship opener which is just a matter of weeks away.
Marty ‘eyebrow’ Canavan, former Trillick U16, Ardboe minor, and Fintona senior full-back, and current chairman of the board, revealed:
“ach aye… no doubt!”
whilst squinting his eyes and scratching his forehead.
“Indeed byjaysis. See, Tony Donnelly said til Mickey at training Wednesday wick ago that lookin at the stats we could be doin wi somehin’… any’hing, y’see. After scoring the last of his 5-18 in an in house match, young McCurry shouted over til Mickey that it was all a bit too easy for him, and that you’d need a clatter of Riceys in the back line, ye’know, til put a bit of bite into the thing, and it all really tuck aff from there hi. Nixt ‘hing we got the printer organised from Germany, an she arrived at Garvaghey the other night and were good till go!”
Operation ‘Ricey-kill’, which kicks into action this week, intends to put a more snap and crack into the fold, with funds reputedly coming from recycled crisp packet moneys of empty Hunky Dory bags that have been left at Omagh’s county grounds since January.
It is anticipated that the 6 ‘Riceys’ will be ready to pop into action for the first week of the All Ireland Senior Football Championship. In a move some will find controversial, initial reports suggest it will cost $6million in titanium alone, shipped from NASA, for the skeletons, with $350,000 worth of hydrochloric acid (also being flown over from the US), for use as the blood – all of which the board insists will be money well spent.