Dick Welding Ltd Confident Of Securing Tyrone GAA Sponsorship Despite Fears
Following the news that Hunky Dorys have decided not to renew their sponsorship deal with Tyrone GAA, Eskra firm Dick Welding Limited have emerged as firm favourites to take over the sponsorship but have braced themselves for a backlash amongst players and religious groups.
The firm, which was established in 1988 by Dick McMinn, also confirmed that due to limited space on the jerseys they will have to drop the Ltd bit and simply have ‘Dick Welding’ emblazoned on the front.
A current senior player and ex-minor star from Ardboe who did not wish to be named told us:
“There’s no way I’m taking to the field in a Tyrone jersey with Dick Welding on the front of it. Imagine the slagging around Ardboe. I’d nearly transfer to Derry before wearing that. If was hard enough wearing Hunky Dory whilst getting hammered down in Kerry.”
Dick Welding Ltd have also faced opposition from church leaders despite doing the welding on altar rails throughout the county since 2001. Fr Norny from Cappagh added:
“It’s bad enough with the whole Rose of Tralee stuff and then all them music videos with women wearing nothing and shaking themselves. Dick Welding sends out all the wrong vibes to young ones, like some kind of stuff you’d find in 50 Shades of Grey or them late night channels from 901-959, although 902 and 903 seem to be a bit tamer.”
Tyrone GAA officials confirmed they are seriously considering another offer from an international company. The rumour mill suggests it is ‘After Eights’ but with Tyrone’s failure to get past the last eight this year they are concerned that other counties will poke fun at this, so they may take up Dick Welding instead.
Tyrone County Board To ‘3D print’ Ricey For Championship
By Aughoughilley Schniffles
It was revealed at last night’s emergency Tyrone County Board meeting that, due to Tyrone’s “higher than expected” scoring concessions in the National Football League Division One campaign, the Red Hand County will be using new 3D print technology to create SIX new copies of Ryan McMenamin.
Tyrone, having scored 140 points and conceded 135 points in the 2014 NFL, will be looking to tighten up for their championship opener which is just a matter of weeks away.
Marty ‘eyebrow’ Canavan, former Trillick U16, Ardboe minor, and Fintona senior full-back, and current chairman of the board, revealed:
“ach aye… no doubt!”
whilst squinting his eyes and scratching his forehead.
“Indeed byjaysis. See, Tony Donnelly said til Mickey at training Wednesday wick ago that lookin at the stats we could be doin wi somehin’… any’hing, y’see. After scoring the last of his 5-18 in an in house match, young McCurry shouted over til Mickey that it was all a bit too easy for him, and that you’d need a clatter of Riceys in the back line, ye’know, til put a bit of bite into the thing, and it all really tuck aff from there hi. Nixt ‘hing we got the printer organised from Germany, an she arrived at Garvaghey the other night and were good till go!”
Operation ‘Ricey-kill’, which kicks into action this week, intends to put a more snap and crack into the fold, with funds reputedly coming from recycled crisp packet moneys of empty Hunky Dory bags that have been left at Omagh’s county grounds since January.
It is anticipated that the 6 ‘Riceys’ will be ready to pop into action for the first week of the All Ireland Senior Football Championship. In a move some will find controversial, initial reports suggest it will cost $6million in titanium alone, shipped from NASA, for the skeletons, with $350,000 worth of hydrochloric acid (also being flown over from the US), for use as the blood – all of which the board insists will be money well spent.
Hunky Dorys Unlikely To Be Replaced As GAA Tyrone Sponsor By Urney ‘Cheesy Peas’ Chip Shop
It was revealed yesterday that the two-year sponsorship deal between current sponsor Hunky Dorys and Tyrone GAA football is unlikely come to an end following a bold offer from local Urney chip shop owner, Pearse Donnelly.
In front of disbelieving county journalists at a hastily-convened press conference in Omagh, a proud Donnelly said,
“‘Pearse’s Cheesy Peas’ is one of the biggest chip shop businesses in upper north-west Tyrone”, he said, “But I’m ambitious and it’s time to take on the world. I want a ‘Cheesy Peas’ in every town and village within a 3-mile radius of Urney by 2018. That’s right lads, you heard me. We’re going all the way to Clady”.
Donnelly was at pains to point out the range of products available in his chip shop, and in particular his ‘Cheesy Peas’ speciality.
“Them Cheesy Peas is world famous. They’ve even got onto the television a couple of months ago. They’re perfect for the lads”. He explained, “Them boys need fattening up. It’s fine giving them a lock of crisps, but that doesn’t keep them warm, does it? I saw Ciaran McGinley training up at Garvaghey the other week and the lad was foundered, you could tell. His legs were blue. He needs a big feed in him. And a slap of my Cheesy Peas could sort him out no bother. My passion for Cheesy Peas is mirrored in the management and team’s passion for the GAA in Tyrone. We’re a perfect match. In the meantime me and the family are switching to Tayto. That’ll put the wind right up whoever owns Hunky Dorys”.
Critics have pointed out that the peas are of the processed variety, and that the cheese isn’t cheese at all, but from a Latvian-based manufacturer of a substance which translates as, ‘I Can’t Believe It’s Not Cheese, Dairy, Or Killed Someone By Now’.
“Listen, luminous orange cheese is neither here nor there”, said Donnelly. “That’s the natural colour of cheddar. You learn that when you’re in the business. My customers aren’t complaining. You should see my shop on a Friday after midnight. People are fighting over Cheesy Peas. When you see grown men hoofing each other in the groin just to get to a portion of the stuff, you know you’re onto a winner”.
The deal between Hunky Dorys and the club was signed in 2012 for a two-year period for an undisclosed sum, but considered to be six-figures.
“Six-figure deal?” snorted Donnelly. “So what? I’m offering a seven-figure deal. £700 a year for three years. That’s got a seven in it. And don’t forget I’m offering unlimited cheesy peas to every player and a 25% discount for their families and all club officials. Beat that, Hunky Dorys”.
Donnelly denied that the TV appearance he referred to was an episode of ‘Watchdog’, when three people were taken to hospital with gastro-enteritis in February after having consumed extra-large portions of Cheesy Peas.
Neither Hunky Dorys or Tyrone GAA were available for comment.
Harte Worried About Mugsy And Crisps
With the recent news surrounding Tyrone GAA’s new sponsors, Mickey Harte has expressed fears that the new partnership may play havoc with his plans to keep tabs on members of the squad who ‘winter too well’ over the non-footballing months. With Kevin Hughes retired, initial hopes were that the Hunky Dory freebies would remain largely untouched, enabling Harte and the squad to deliver the crisps to the less fortunates in Brocagh, Eskra and Dregish. However, all changed with a phone-call the management team received last night from a Healy Park attendant.
“At first I thought it was a wind-up,” an anonymous official told us, “as it was wile cold last night. But I could hear the lads codding about in the background. It didn’t take long to identify the voices: Mugsy, Joe McMahon, Gavin Devlin, big Pascal and Cathal McCarron. The poor Omagh gatekeeper said they were demanding to get training at the field in preparation for next year, even though we’ve given them time off til St Stephen’s Day. The penny soon dropped with me. Them bloody crisps.”
Harte and his team made their way to Omagh only to be confronted by the hungry fivesome, McCarron doing the talking, not a kitbag between them, demanding to hear the full details of the sponsorship deal and when the first batch would be arriving. Negotiations went well into the night with threats of resignations and counter-threats of walking from the panel before McCarron persuaded the others to accept the only deal on the table: 50 packets each for the months of November and December with a renegotiation in January, as long as the other squad players weren’t aware of it, especially Colm Cavanagh and Marty Penrose who also ‘winter well’ at the best of times.
Penrose, in particular, is reported to be devastated that they didn’t pursue his idea of a dream deal with Milky Bars or Snickers.