By Landan Seamy
Local spy Sean McGrinny suspects that the anti northern bias in the GAA is even more entrenched than he had previously suspected.
“I heard that RTE is looking for ideas for new programmes to air during the championship season this year so as work in my line tends to be quite slack during Lent when people go off the beer I came up with an idea and decided to research it.
“My idea was to do a programme a bit like the part of Question of Sport when they ask what happens next. I recorded some matches and then looked out for fouls. I would pause the play as soon as I spotted one with the intention of asking “What will the referee do next?”
“When I spotted a Dublin, Kerry or Mayo hallion infringing the rules of our national sport I would pause the video with the intention of jotting down which of the four options the referee would go for:
(a) free with no card
(b) yellow card
(c) black card
(d) red card.
“To my dismay, however, half the time the cynical southern ref would just ignore it and that wasn’t even one of the options. This totally spoiled my idea but having 5 options on the screen would look too messy.
“I also noticed that any time a northern player accidentally infringed the rules there would be a certain black card so again that doesn’t help my programme for it became too easy to predict. The programme would end up going like this:
“Sean Cavanagh accidentally touches some Free Stater. What will the referee do next?”
“Issue a black card”
“Some people may think I’m biased but that’s wrong. Take the Tipperary and Derry match last summer. I looked at it again and Tipperary got far more frees than Derry and I’m saying that as a Tyrone man who has as healthy a dislike of Derry ones as any of my neighbours.
Sean’s wife Kate, who has asked to remain anonymous, has said that she thinks her husband is on to something but suggests that he has not quite hit the nail on the head this time.
She has looked at the videos too and has noticed that it is just the most handsome players that are treated harshly by the referees.
“Of course it is correct to say that lots of cards are issued to players like Sean Cavanagh, Tiernan McCann, Mark Bradley etc” she said. “Strictly speaking however” she continued “The reason why a disproportionate amount of northern players are getting the cards is just that most of the handsome players come from up here.”
GAA headquarters were today said to be frantically searching for an alternative location for RTE’s live broadcast for the All-Ireland Final replay after over 3cm of Joe Brolly’s slabbers fell onto the studio floor before, during and after the drawn final, causing permanent damage to the extensive electronic equipment.
Inside sources maintain the biggest deluge occurred at half time when the Dungiven barrister considered the possibility that supernatural forces were preventing Mayo from gaining their first All-Ireland title since 1951.
Cameraman and ex-Leitrim great Gerry Sullivan explained:
“Even when he arrived he started slabberin about how deadly Dublin were, calling them the second coming and stuff like that. Spillane nearly broke his hip slipping on the Derry man’s drool as he arrived into the studio. At half time, a quarter of our electronic devices were saturated in saliva.”
Michael Lyster attempted to persuade Brolly to don a see-thru bib for the after-match analysis but was thwarted after being electrocuted by Joe’s mic.
An RTE meteorologist confirmed that over 3.2cm of slabber fell in a 3-hour period in the studio, similar to the amount of rainfall collected in the whole of Strabane during the same period. DNA experts believe only 2.9cm of the drool was from the Brolly gene with the remaining 0.3cm shared between O’Rourke and Spillane.
Producers have since vowed never to allow Brolly and Martin McHugh to appear in the same studio at the same time.
In what has been described as a testing year with unprecedented levels of attention and scrutiny, Tiernan McCann’s tremendous hair has finally spoken out about its 12 months in the spotlight since rufflegate in August 2015.
In an exclusive interview, McCann’s sensational hair explained how trying the winter months were in the aftermath of the All Ireland quarter final:
“It’s been tough. The Kerry semi final was a taste of things to come. Kerry players were coming up close to me and staring at me and saying things like ‘mousse-head’ and ‘Elvis’. But that was mild compared to the abuse I’d get back home in places like Clonoe or Carrickmore. I just wanted to curl up and dye.”
2016 appears to have been a more pleasant experience for the beautifully follicled mullet with All-Star performances the norm throughout the championship and a new host of admirers across the island:
“Mickey Harte has been great. He brought in a new conditioner and it has given me my old strength back. On Sunday the McGees were saying all types of stuff to me like ‘gel-breath’ and ‘Dracula’ but this just drips off me now and I gleam resplendently, especially in warm weather.”
The Killyclogher hairpiece is due to release its first autobiography called ‘Hairway To Hell And Back And Sides’ in a final act of its journey towards redemption which will hopefully see the tremendous mane back to its former glory:
“I’m not 100% but almost there. Although some say I’m head and shoulders above most other hairstyles in the game today, I still have bad days. The Derry ones were calling me ‘Sherlock Combs’, ‘Jack the Clipper’, ‘Fat Boy Trim’ and other cutting remarks and it still hurts but there are more good hair days than bad.”
Meanwhile, Jonathan Munroe and Conor Gormley are to have a charity shouldering competition this weekend to raise money for the local school. The Carrickmore men are to run at each other from a distance of 30 yards and shoulder each other. The first man to hit the ground loses.
Colm O’Rourke, the ex-Meath hatchet man and RTE pundit, has admitted to feeling ‘mightily relieved’ and ‘a little bit embarrassed’ after finally getting to the root of the ‘bad smell’ which he originally thought was following the Tyrone football team around the place.
O’Rourke, who visited his GP in the aftermath of the Tyrone/Monaghan quarter final after a particularly bad stench, was told by his doctor that the smell was in fact emanating from his own mouth, known in the medical world as Orificium Manuritis, or ‘talking dung’ in layman’s terms.
A friend of the Navan headmaster told us:
“Colm is a happy man tonight. He couldn’t understand why the foul smell would worsen every time he analysed Tyrone games. Don’t get me wrong, the smell was always there no matter what he was harping on about but any time he mentioned the ‘T’ word it went into overdrive. He thought it was coming from the Tyrone squad but we now know he was just spouting shite from his own orifice. It’s a great relief for everyone. Orificium Manuritis is apparently contagious, especially amongst journalists, so it’s important to manage the outbreak.”
RTE have promised to help O’Rourke during his rehabilitation process and will bar him from analysing Tyrone games for 24 months.
Meanwhile, a source from within the Tyrone camp has revealed that Mickey Harte has called an emergency squad meeting this week after watching last week’s ill-tempered semi final between Mayo and Dublin. It is thought that Harte believes Tyrone are ‘still too nice’ to compete with the big three and has called in trainers from the other semi finalists to share their acute expertise in diving, feigning, sledging and off the ball skulduggery which was brilliantly executed on Sunday, at the highest level.
By Landan Seamy
Local Spy Sean McGrinny has contacted the papers to complain that several times in the last week he has noticed police cars doing way above the speed limit, even in built up areas.
“I’ve no idea what they’re up to but I’m sure it’s no good” Sean began.
“On Monday I was feeling totally scundered after the Kerry match so when one of their cars speeded past me I succumbed to an irrational urge to give chase only to find myself flagged down, pulled over, and questioned by the very same policemen that I was investigating.
Later that night I was explaining to my civilian friends in the pub that there’s absolutely no call for this reckless speeding when one of them suggested they could be heading to the scene of a crime in Armagh or Derry or somewhere like that.
I decided to subject this bizarre theory to a test and can now confirm categorically that there’s not a hate of truth in it for on Tuesday morning I made a hoax call reporting that a robbery was underway in Fintona.
I made the call when out walking on the Dublin Road in Omagh and guess what? I saw 2 police cars racing up the Dublin Road with their sirens blaring in the exact opposite direction to Fintona.
To add insult to injury a few hours later as I was sitting down to write up my notes on the episode two big hallions rapped on my door and started giving me jip about the phone call, insinuating that I was wasting police time.
My mind was still on Dublin and the class restaurants they have around Croke Park so I came up with a story that a cousin of mine in Fintona thought that a robbery was underway at the local Indian restaurant. I guessed that would get them off my back but didn’t they only phone their colleagues in Fintona and discovered I have no cousins there and nor is there an Indian restaurant”.
Sean’s wife says she’s baffled by the entire handlin and has suggested that if the constant police harassment doesn’t cease that her husband might look for a new career.
“Where will the people of Tyrone be then” she raged. “There’s no-one in Ireland who has done more research into aliens and ufos and stuff like that than my Sean. My message to the police is to grow up. But if you want Tyrone to be overrun by aliens then by all means continue what you’re doing”.
After a series of baffling decisions in the All-Ireland Semi Final yesterday, Maurice Deegan was added to the list of public figures that Tyrone people are not to send Christmas Cards to whether they know them or not.
Deegan, who has reportedly been given the freedom of Kerry to herd goats down any town’s Main Street, becomes the 10th GAA figure on the list joining luminaries such as Paddy Heaney, Ciaran Whelan, Colm O’Rourke, Pat Spillane, Paddy Russell, Charlie Redmond, Declan O’Sullivan, Joe Brolly and Kevin McStay.
Tyrone Post Office PR Sammy Hurson reminded the public that there’ll be regular checks at their depots throughout December:
“We can confirm that Deegan has been added to the list so we’ve hired a few extra workers to make sure no Christmas Cards slip through and make their ways to these dastardly men. Any cards addressed to the ten men will be burned on the spot and filmed on YouTube.”
With Brolly and Heaney having a rash of Tyrone relations, the PO have suggested donating the price of a card and stamp to the Strabane Donkey Sanctuary or to sponsor a an eel up at the fishery in Toome.
Meanwhile, Deegan has been given the freedom of Kerry ‘For Services To The Kingdom’ according to a Kerry newspaper. The ‘Kerry Kop’ states that Deegan will be free to herd goats anywhere he wants as long as he uses a bit of blue pipe to shepherd the goats and not a stick or a quad bike.
Sources confirmed that Deegan is unaware of the offer but is unlikely to accept the offer after turning down a lifetime membership of the Mayo Supporters’ Society in 2013.
A hairdresser in Killyclogher revealed this morning that she has already sold over 30’000 units of Tiernan McCann’s inimitable hairstyle after advertising it in the Tyrone Star earlier in the week.
McCann, who will likely line out for the Red Hands on Sunday against reigning champions Kerry, had his 8-week suspension overturned late last night for over-reacting to a Monaghan player’s attempt to dishevel his finest quality.
In a show of support for the Killyclogher player, local hairdresser Linda McHugh commissioned one life-size copy of McCann’s wig only to be inundated with requests since it made its first public appearance.
“I initially only ordered one for a lad who came into the shop looking for ‘a McCann’ but he was already a skinhead. So I had to order a similar-looking one from a Japanese website and then glue it onto his head. When the lad wore it to training that night, I received over 300 calls in the morning from men, women and children looking one as well. The Japanese crowd were only too obliging and put their slaves or whatever they have to work on it immediately.”
Moy man and Tyrone expert Colly ‘Dog’ McKill is sure that the sight of 40’000 McCann wigs will swing the game in Tyrone’s favour if it’s tight late on:
“As long as we don’t concede 4 or 8 or even 6 goals early on we’ll be in with a shout on the hour mark. And when the likes of Gooch or Donaghy look up at the Hill and see thousands of black quiffs guldering back at them it might be enough to see Tyrone over the line. I think so anyway.”
A Strabane tanning salon has also witnessed a spike in sun-bed bookings this week with many wanting the full-body McCann experience. The owner, Tony O’Neill, has since stopped the sun-bed option after a GAA aficionado told him Kerry men are usually fairly tanned, being closer to the equator than Tyrone, and that it might be seen as an act of defiance against Tyrone.
The wigs retail at £39.99 and can be purchased in all good supermarkets and small confectionery shops. You can get them for £37.99 if you use the promo code ‘tyronetribulations.’
RTE face a backlash from the GAA fraternity after it emerged this morning that they will demand Tyrone appear on the field in the semi-final against Kerry wearing a sack cloth each and with ashes on their hair. In addition, there will be deferred coverage of the game after the watershed in case children are influenced by their dasdardly deeds.
RTE spokesman Noel Custard explained:
“Years ago the sack cloth and ashes were a sign of genuine repentance. Now, we’re showing a little mercy to Tyrone by just making them wear ashes on their heads and will forego the need for them to sit ashes as well as that will mess up the Croker turf. Bad enough they’re on it with their northern ways.”
The game will also be aired after 9PM.
Additionally, the Bishop of Dublin will bless the field before the game and will celebrate a decade of the rosary with the Tyrone squad in the midfield area in order to exorcise any previous misdemeanours.
“We’re only interested in maintaining a fair and just society which maybe the northerners aren’t used to. No cute hoors or fraudsters down here atall.”
After a heated debate at their Garvaghey Centre of Excellence regarding the national perception of the county, the entire Tyrone GAA management team have decided to revert to their 1960s, 70s, 80 and 90s form and get beat out the gate every time they play outside of Ulster in order to get people to like them again.
On top of this, the Tyrone GAA School of Dark Arts is to close with immediate effect with college professors Ryan McMenamin, Conor Gormley and Noel McGinn taking their last session tonight on gouging, slagging and nipping.
The discussion, which was chaired by ex-county player Plunkett Donaghy, discovered that the national affinity of Tyrone worsened the more games they won against non-Ulster outfits whilst they were at their most loved when they were getting hammered by the likes of Dublin, Kerry or Cork 20 years ago and beyond.
“We’ve decided to just lay down any time we come out of Ulster and not compete at a decent level. If that’s what it takes for the Dublin media to like us again then we’ll do it. We were everyone’s second favourite team in 1984 when we got blitzed by Dublin. After Meath hammered us in 1996, people just loved Tyrone. Now, we win a few games and we’re public enemy number one. It’s quite simple really and I don’t know why we didn’t think of it earlier.”
The closure of the GAA School of Dark Arts in Dregish will leave thousands of under-age footballers in the county lacking in the qualities that have obviously propelled Tyrone to greatness since 2003. Donaghy says there are no plans to open the college for the foreseeable future:
“Southern media rightly identified that we have been systematically coaching our young players how to log on to the Facebook accounts of opponents and gather crucial information on their girlfriends and mothers and stuff. Pascal Canavan himself was a master at this. Well, as from tonight, Professor Canavan will have to find another sideline. Brian Dooher’s students who have almost finished their Masters in ‘Half Somersaults in Tuck Position’ will have their fees refunded. “
Players who attempt to score heavily in games against non-Ulster sides will be instantaneously dropped from the squad and sent to Urney. Clubs are also prohibited from coaching Dark Arts in their clubrooms, even in Moortown.
The Tyrone County Board have confirmed that they will not overturn their decision to appoint a man with two turned-in eyes as one of their inter-county umpires for 2015.
The controversial decision came to light at the weekend after the umpire, who was officiating at an Under 16 game between Brocagh and Eglish, incorrectly awarded five goals and sixteen points over the course of an hour’s play.
Mayo, Donegal, Dublin and Kerry have already made an official complaint to Croke Park although Derry County Board explained they’d ‘wait and see how it goes’.
Pat ‘The Squint’ Kelly from Aughabrack will officiate his first National League game on February the 1st between Kerry and Mayo which will be televised live, a fact that worries close friends and relatives of The Squint.
First cousin and ex-referee John Quinn urged the county board to rethink the decision:
“No harm to The Squint but he’s the worst umpire in the country and probably across the globe. I took him as one of my umpires to Coalisland for an underage game against Edendork and on three occasions he flagged a wide, a point and a goal at the same time. The fella is seeing 2 or 3 balls every time play comes near him. It’s not his fault but surely umpiring is the last job he should be at.”
Kelly, who has wrote-off nine cars and hospitalised a barman during a game of pub darts, will take the train to Kerry to be safe.
Tyrone County Board confirmed they are firmly behind the turned-in eyes community and have pleaded with the GAA family to give Kelly a chance.
NI State Papers Reveal Devious Plan To Stop Tyrone ’86 All-Ireland Win. McCrea To Air Strike Carrickmore on Hang Glider.
The declassified NI State Papers for 1985/86 have sent shock waves throughout the county as it confirmed Unionist politicians funded Kerry’s training camps in the run up to the All-Ireland Final in 1986.
The papers also revealed the possibility of an aerial bombardment of Carrickmore, Galbally, Cappagh and Coalisland in a plane personally piloted by Willie McCrea and his dog ‘Butcher’.
The £3.2m UUP funding released for Kerry’s preparations for the 1986 final, which they won by eight points, enabled the Munster champions to come strong towards the end of the game, overcoming a seven point deficit early in the second half. A Tyrone insider from 1986 remarked:
“This explains everything. When Kerry ran out on to the field it was noticeable how tanned they were, so they were obviously in Portugal or Africa or something, running on fancy running machines. The Unionists just did not want to see us happy. Also, when Kevin McCabe’s penalty went over the bar I thought there was an unnatural gust of wind just at the moment he kicked it. Some satellite signal no doubt.”
The papers also revealed a request made by Willie McCrea to the Queen of England at the time to personally launch air strikes on republican hotspots using his recently required pilot’s licence and a motorised hang-glider with enough room for Butcher, his trusty dog.
McCrea’s appeal was rejected after what the Defence Secretary called ‘serious consideration’ with reservations about the effect of slingshotting rotten fruit and vegetables would have on the targeted communities proving too strong to ignore.
McCrea ignored their advice but had to abandon an attempt on Greencastle in 1987 when his glider got stuck in the Sperrins 30 seconds after take-off, with Buster visibly stressed and barking loudly.
The Kerryman, who lambasted Tyrone for a decade for having the temerity to bring more than six defenders back into their own half and famously labelled their brand of football ‘puke’ and ‘basketball’, maintains his comments were taken out of context:
“No, I never said anything of the sort. Defending is an art and the more defenders you have the more arty it is. It was magical to watch The Mighty Kingdom swarm around the Donegal forwards. Sometimes we had eight defenders on one Donegal man – it was a pleasure to behold. Kerry have always been innovators and this new blanket tactic we have invented will change the game of Gaelic football. But, a word of warning – no one will be able to do it the way we do it.”
When pressed on the statistics which showed that Kerry made 1399 hand passes and 3 foot passes, he added:
“And what? Listen, foot-passing is an archaic mode of transferring the ball from one player to the next. It’s unreliable and statistically inaccurate the majority of time. No, again Kerry have redefined keeping possession. We’re just brilliant at it.”
Spillane finally became irate when our journalist posed the question regarding the 72 tactical fouls Kerry made outside the scoring zone:
“Away back up north with you and stop whining. It’s a man’s game. You Ulster men come down here with your fancy dan football, soloing and kicking the ball to each other. Well, where’s Sam now? He’s well hidden under the Kerry blanket. Yerra.”
The multiple All-Star forward also defended Barry John Keane’s cynical ploy of kicking the ball off the goalkeeper’s tee in injury time as ‘high jinks’ and that the ‘sun was probably in his eyes’. He added:
“If Sean Cavanagh had done that it’s a different matter. He’d probably have stabbed the ball with a penknife anyway. Puke stuff.”
Jimmy McGuinness, a man renowned for leaving no stone unturned, has reportedly spent the last fortnight hanging around Clady, Strabane and Castlederg in order to pick up some Tyrone mannerisms to pass on to his players at training.
Donegal, who take on Kerry tomorrow in the All-Ireland Football Final, will aim to mirror Tyrone’s achievement of defeating The Kingdom in the national final. As well as making his players run very hard around the pitch doing laps and practising high jumps and long kicks, McGuinness put on compulsory Tyrone speech and elocution lessons at night. Anyone missing a session was made to do 500 press ups with Jimmy sitting on their back.
A squad member told us:
“It was very hard learning them Tyrone words. He wants us to psychologically mess with their heads by calling them ‘clifts’ and using ‘duhhul’. Duhhul (a mucky field) is a hard one. The only context we could find was ‘we’re going to bate ye in this duhhul ye clifts til the clabber is running off ye’. The other bits were easy enough. Recreating the Tyrone body odour was dead easy. We just sponged oil, diesel, turf, Lucozade and soda farls all over each other.”
Our source also confirmed that Ryan ‘Ricey’ McMenamin was called in to do a workshop on ‘The Dark Arts’ which provided tips on general chitchat and fondling during the game:
“Yes, Professor Ricey’s lecture was brilliant. Before he started he stood up at the front and rhymed off all the phone numbers of our girlfriends or wives. That’s real preparation and he opened our eyes as to what needs to be done to defeat Kerry. His quick session on gentle eye-gouging and testicle-tapping was genius stuff. We’ve never felt in better condition.”
Rumours that Jimmy McGuinness was going to shave his head and grow a semi-beard to put the spooks up the Kerry management have failed to materialise after it emerged Mickey Harte has copyrighted the image.
Family and friends have rallied around Mary Ferry (nee O’Donnell) from Killybegs after it emerged her husband exchanged her much sought after All Ireland Final ticket for a bottle of Jameson and three packets of Tayto, all different flavours.
Omagh native and Tyrone fanatic Carl Ferry has been accused of being mean-spirited and insanely jealous by his father-in-law Dan O’Donnell who played full back for Donegal from 1967-1975.
“Typical Tyrone man. He spent the last ten years blowing and winding about Tyrone this and that. As soon as Donegal enjoy a day or two in the sun he can’t take it. The same man couldn’t hold a glass of water, never mind a bottle of Jameson.”
A clearly irritated O’Donnell added:
“The worst thing is, he’s still going himself with his own ticket. He hates Kerry so who the hell will be be shouting for? Both teams can’t lose.”
Neighbours informed journalists that this is the second time Carl sabotaged his wife’s big day after he drove to the 2012 final between Donegal and Mayo the whole way in first gear, missing the entire game and setting the engine on fire near the River Boyne.
This evening, Mr Ferry defended himself by declaring his action was one of love and dedication. The plumber revealed:
“It’s our wedding anniversary on September 30th and I thought we’d have a blow out with the whiskey and crisps. Some thanks you get from Donegal women. Anyways, I take loads of photos for her and get the program and all. It’ll be alright.”
Mrs Ferry refused to comment when questioned on her doorstep an hour ago. ‘Male screams’ were reported soon after.
Following the news that Hunky Dorys have decided not to renew their sponsorship deal with Tyrone GAA, Eskra firm Dick Welding Limited have emerged as firm favourites to take over the sponsorship but have braced themselves for a backlash amongst players and religious groups.
The firm, which was established in 1988 by Dick McMinn, also confirmed that due to limited space on the jerseys they will have to drop the Ltd bit and simply have ‘Dick Welding’ emblazoned on the front.
A current senior player and ex-minor star from Ardboe who did not wish to be named told us:
“There’s no way I’m taking to the field in a Tyrone jersey with Dick Welding on the front of it. Imagine the slagging around Ardboe. I’d nearly transfer to Derry before wearing that. If was hard enough wearing Hunky Dory whilst getting hammered down in Kerry.”
Dick Welding Ltd have also faced opposition from church leaders despite doing the welding on altar rails throughout the county since 2001. Fr Norny from Cappagh added:
“It’s bad enough with the whole Rose of Tralee stuff and then all them music videos with women wearing nothing and shaking themselves. Dick Welding sends out all the wrong vibes to young ones, like some kind of stuff you’d find in 50 Shades of Grey or them late night channels from 901-959, although 902 and 903 seem to be a bit tamer.”
Tyrone GAA officials confirmed they are seriously considering another offer from an international company. The rumour mill suggests it is ‘After Eights’ but with Tyrone’s failure to get past the last eight this year they are concerned that other counties will poke fun at this, so they may take up Dick Welding instead.
A leaked document has revealed that the county committee will discuss a proposal which will see many of the 2003-2008 triple All-Ireland winning side offered ‘Romantic Vacations’ at special rooms up at the new Garvaghey complex.
The ground-breaking initiative will see players like Philip Jordan, Owen Mulligan and Joe McMahon spend weekends in the Ballygawley building with their favourite romantic music blaring out and free chocolates, oysters and bathing robes for themselves and their partners.
Kevin Morgan of the CCCC explained:
“It has dawned on us that our golden generation may never be replicated. So, in order to keep a conveyor belt of winning DNA in the county, we will offer ‘Rooms of Love’ for those special players and leave no stone unturned. Canavan is a bit past it for all that stuff so we’re targeting boys like McMenamin, McGuigan and Hub Hughes and hope they’re given suitable surroundings to boost our chances for future success.”
No players have yet been informed about the project but the leaked document showed a brief itinery of the special weekends. Players and their partners will be met at Garvaghey by a man on a fiddle and led to a carvery of shellfish and limited supplies of wine. After the feed, couples will be shown to their rooms where their favourite music will be played on CD players.
Investigations have already ascertained the Philip Jordan prefers ‘Lady In Red’, Mugsy loosens up to ‘I Would Do Anything For Love But I Won’t Do That’ whereas the theme tune to The Sunday Game gets Ricey going.
The Tyrone CCCC hope for 4o children in total over a 5-year period. They also admit they have not sought Harte’s approval but suspect he wouldn’t be too bothered about it at all hopefully.
“Them Kerry boys are all O’Se, Fitzgerald, O’Dwyer etc. They’ve been at this for years. We’ll get some use out of this Garvaghey site yet.”
Pope Francis sprung a surprise on Sunday after he slipped in the canonisation of Brian Dooher at the last minute towards the end of the high-profile celebration for the declaration of sainthoods for Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII.
800’000 pilgrims were left confused after the current pontiff, before wrapping up the mass, said something under his breath about a third sainthood before pretending to cough and then making a joke about Italian women.
This morning, Vatican officials finally confirmed that Francis had canonised a vet from Donemana who goes by the name of Dooher:
“Yes, Brian Dooher becomes the fastest tracked saint ever what with his plentiful miracles in the white jersey of his county. We researched this thoroughly and the point he scored against Kerry in 2008 was from the boot of a god. We normally wait for years after they’re dead but Dooher was a special case. He has been sent the certificate anyway so that’s that.”
Pope Francis was worried about the reaction to the news especially as Mother Teresa has yet to receive the honour, deciding to slip it in with a well-timed cough and outrageous joke about local female ‘pastatutes’ in the red-light districts. A Mother Teresa supporter from Poland fumed:
“It was a dirty trick alright with the fake cough. Then the joke but he’s a bit of a slagger anyway so we didn’t bat an eyelid at that. If this Dooher boy was any good then why are his club Clann na nGael in the junior division?”
Ballygawley held a vigil on Sunday night in protest at the canonisation after they revealed a petition to have Peter Canavan made a saint in 2005 was dismissed by the Vatican back then as ‘pure mad’.
Scientists last night were said to be dumbfounded and bedazzled at the discovery of old mobile phones at a dig in the area, dating right back to the 1960s.
Authorities were notified about possible important fossils after diggers at a new site on the town came across a pile of massive mobile phones wrapped up in toilet tissue paper. On further inspection, it appears that these mobiles pre-dated the iphone and other smart phones by at least 40 years going by some of the text messages discovered on them.
One such message dates back to the 1969 moon landing and hints at the scepticism around Stewartstown at the time:
Professor Jack Lyons explains:
“This is quite remarkable. It appears that the residents of Stewartstown had invented messaging capabilities long before the superpowers across the globe. Going by the finds, it appears they were using BT as a service provider by hooking up one big phone to an electricity pole as a generator. “
Other examples show a timeline of life in the 80s and 90s in Stewartstown:
Local historian Kitty Fee was coy on the finds:
“Yes I was aware we were ahead of the game at the time. But, it’s something we don’t want dug up, ok? In 1999 we took a decision to destroy all these phones after sexting became rife in the town. Men and women were sending dirty pictures to each other at all hours and the priest was going mad and said he was going to excommunicate us all. It had to stop. Now, move on.”
One of our journalists was able to leak another text to the office which throws light on the sexting debacle that threatened to destabilise the town:
An Omagh plasterer has ‘gone off the rails big time‘ after gorging on a mountain of buns, cakes, biscuits and chocolate when he reverted to comfort-eating in the wake of Kerry’s annihilation of Tyrone on Sunday afternoon. Carl McCrab, who initially committed to a Lenten abstinence from all kinds of pastries and confectionary, has admitted he feels ‘broken’ and ashamed of his fall from grace but lays the blame firmly at the feet of the Tyrone senior footballers and management team.
McCrab (38), whilst wiping the remains of a Drifter from his upper lip, told us this morning:
“Yes, I hit it hard last night. When the third goal went in I went clean mad and raided the larder. The wife was pleading with me to step away and the children crying will live with me for years. But I just couldn’t help myself and devoured a whole tray of coconut buns and a packet of Munchies even before the final whistle went.”
Maire McCrab (44) revealed she took the children and herself to her mother’s house in order to shield her family from the unfolding horror:
“We arrived back and tiptoed in at about 11pm. All we could hear were the groans coming from the living room. Poor Carl – he was smothered in Tuc biscuits and had what looked like most of a Bounty smeared all over his baldy head. And he was saying things like ‘not Kerry for feck sake’ in between the sobs and sighs. He’s off the wagon big time. I’m praying Tyrone do not get turned over by Westmeath this weekend. He’ll go mad on the crisps.”
Tyrone officials have refused to comment on individual cases but have set up a hotline for anyone else considering breaking their Lent after yesterday’s hammering.
The small townland of Derrytresk was described as ‘feeling a bit awkward’ this morning after the English Queen’s New Year’s Honours List included ‘Derryresk Woman’ in the MBE section. This is the first such award in the area although some have always suspected a couple of older men who regularly drink in the club may have been secretly knighted years ago.
The unnamed bag wielder received her award for ‘highlighting the multiple uses of fashion accessories‘ and for being a ‘modern day Joan of Arc‘.
Buckingham officials explained their decision:
“When it was put to the Queen last year about giving ‘The Derrytresk Woman’ an award she refused point blank on the grounds that she had already given two major awards to businessmen from that area in the past and they’d kept it quiet. Gladly though, she has softened a bit this year and has decided to bestow an MBE upon the woman who flung her bag on top of Kerry’s Declan O’Sullivan.”
Locals have admitted to feeling a bit confused about the whole affair. Digger man Malachy McCann admitted:
“Normally we would tell the woman Windsor where to shove her gong. But this feels different. The abuse we took from people regarding the whole Dromid incident is still raw. With this award, we need to work out whether it’ll shut people up or worsen the whole thing. We’ll have an emergency meeting after Mass on Sunday.”
Queen Elizabeth has agreed to post out the MBE to the anonymous woman using recorded delivery.
The identity of the two knighted Derrytresk businessmen has also set tongues wagging. One suspect is Prionsias O’Neill who was often spotted at the bar smiling lovingly at a one pound coin in his hand, for about a year.