By Aughoughilley Schniffles
News of an annual report from Strava, a website and mobile app that allows you to track cycling and running speeds and which revealed that Omagh has the fastest runners in the whole of Scotland, Wales, England and the North of Ireland, has alarmed Canadian based gold mining company Dalradian Resources – the firm seeking to extract Gold deposits from the Sperrin Mountains.
According to Dalradian, the Sperrins holds more than four million ounces of gold, with an unnamed representative adding:
“Most of the pure stuff lies in Tyrone, with the lower grade shite in the Derry parts – but to be honest we are mostly concerned that each of those potential employees who sent us their CVs are world-class sprinters. It hardly fills a gold mining company with confidence, given the security issues we face on a daily basis world-wide with workers trying to sneak out the stuff in increasingly cunning ways.”
Pete “Legs” MacDougal, a former mining engineer in the silver mines in Stirling, Scotland, confirmed it’s a trend he’s seen before:
“In ‘98/‘99, Stirling had the fastest runners in the whole of the UK. It was no coincidence either that they were queueing up for the mining work, with one a week on average legging it past security while flashing a smile of a solid gold front row teeth. From the stories I’ve heard of Tyrone people, I wouldn’t put it past them Omagh folks to have been doing sprint drills for years just waiting on the mining project to get the green light”
Both Darren Clarke and Rory McIlroy have been spotted in Sallys recently, watching YouTube videos on how to fill golf balls with gold. It is understood a syndicate of as yet unnamed individuals are planning on constructing a giant washing machine with a magnet in the back, so that McIlroy can train them how to drive gold filled golf balls 350 yards out over any potential security fences.
In unrelated news Spandau Ballet are due to play Sallys night club this St Stephen’s night- with Gold VIP tickets priced at £3.50 each. All proceeds go to a good Claus.
Despite pronouncements from pulpits across the county this evening during various masses, Pope Francis has moved quickly to deny that he sanctioned ‘kicking Derry people in the testicular reason for slabbering and stuff‘.
Following on from his views on smacking children and boxing anyone who slagged his mother, thousands of mass-goers believed clergy when they sanctioned the use of the foot on the nether regions on anyone from the other side of the Sperrins in the name of The Holy Father.
Depsite the Pope’s statement tonight, it has been reported that hundreds of kicks have been dished out already to Derry ones who have strayed into Tyrone territory, especially around Cookstown and Ballinderry. Fr Toner, an 88-year old priest from Carrickmore, has urged his parishioners to ignore the Pope’s denial:
“The Pope is just backing down because of a media backlash since the smacking children thing. He has got cold feet but I urge my flock to stuck to the original message. And remember what I said, steel toe-capped Doctor Marten’s are the best job.”
When questioned by parishioners on how severe the kick should be, Fr Toner said it is in direct proportion to the slabbering:
“Depends on the level of tripe coming out of the Derry man’s mouth. If he’s just slagging family members and stuff like that then just a flick to the knackers is enough. However, full-on oral manure deserves a crippling and prolonged hammering.”
Spokesmen for the Vatican confirmed that Pope Francis has nothing against Derry people and that he really loved Dana’s All Kinds Of Everything from the early 70s but wasn’t as fussed on The Undertones.
NI State Papers Reveal Devious Plan To Stop Tyrone ’86 All-Ireland Win. McCrea To Air Strike Carrickmore on Hang Glider.
The declassified NI State Papers for 1985/86 have sent shock waves throughout the county as it confirmed Unionist politicians funded Kerry’s training camps in the run up to the All-Ireland Final in 1986.
The papers also revealed the possibility of an aerial bombardment of Carrickmore, Galbally, Cappagh and Coalisland in a plane personally piloted by Willie McCrea and his dog ‘Butcher’.
The £3.2m UUP funding released for Kerry’s preparations for the 1986 final, which they won by eight points, enabled the Munster champions to come strong towards the end of the game, overcoming a seven point deficit early in the second half. A Tyrone insider from 1986 remarked:
“This explains everything. When Kerry ran out on to the field it was noticeable how tanned they were, so they were obviously in Portugal or Africa or something, running on fancy running machines. The Unionists just did not want to see us happy. Also, when Kevin McCabe’s penalty went over the bar I thought there was an unnatural gust of wind just at the moment he kicked it. Some satellite signal no doubt.”
The papers also revealed a request made by Willie McCrea to the Queen of England at the time to personally launch air strikes on republican hotspots using his recently required pilot’s licence and a motorised hang-glider with enough room for Butcher, his trusty dog.
McCrea’s appeal was rejected after what the Defence Secretary called ‘serious consideration’ with reservations about the effect of slingshotting rotten fruit and vegetables would have on the targeted communities proving too strong to ignore.
McCrea ignored their advice but had to abandon an attempt on Greencastle in 1987 when his glider got stuck in the Sperrins 30 seconds after take-off, with Buster visibly stressed and barking loudly.
As NI’s political leaders rejoice in the signing of a new agreement, a well-read man from Kildress has urged people to read the small print carefully before giving the document the green light, a document which includes restrictions on wearing turned-up jeans in daylight and playing Garth Brooks music in public.
Paudie McCleen (51) also had specific reservations about plans to rise the water level of Lough Neagh which will see Brocagh, Derrylaughan and Derrytresk eventually submerged in 12 feet of water, proposals to see the other half of Ballinderry returned to Tyrone, schemes to bore into the Sperrins and build caves for ‘Jobseekers Allowance and Customs and Excise officials’ and the possible renaming of many towns and villages across the county to make them more romantic or continental.
McCleen had a word of warning for residents in the Rock who are to be renamed ‘Brewer’s Droop’ and the Moy who will now be known as ‘Little Armagh’.
“Not a lot of consultation here. And if these proposals are to see the light of day, then it’s bye-bye to the loughshore townlands as we know it with the artificial rising of the water. Falls’ Pub will be a luxurious watering hole for eels. It’s really disappointing too what with the mouth-watering Derrylaughan/Derrytresk derby clash on the horizon next year.”
Other alterations will see no Tyrone flags in county border flashpoint areas such as Trillick, Castlederg and Cookstown, the banning of turned up jeans in daylight and the ruling against the playing of Garth Brooks songs in public from March-October.
“I’m also concerned about Ballinderry being returned to its rightful county. The Ballylifford townland ones have been a part of Derry for so long now and will have developed Derry customs and behaviour. It could take years of re-education to get them ready for the civilised world.”
The Stormont House Agreement also sees heavy sanctions for anyone slagging Fermanagh ones.
The creation by an Omagh housewife of an omelette that coincidentally looks ‘almost exactly like Tyrone’, is expected to take pride of place in a hastily-convened showcase at Croke Park.
44-year old Philomena McCaughey was making a two-egg cheese omelette for her husband Peader, when she noticed that it looked quite like Tyrone.
“It’s mighty. It looks almost exactly like Tyrone if you look at it sideways-on with your eyes closed a wee bit. And I had thrown on a big pile of grated Crackerbarrel that made it look just like the Sperrins, especially if the Sperrins were yellow and a bit more cheesy-looking”.
McCaughey’s husband admitted that the eggy phenomenon looked a little less like Tyrone after he devoured the south eastern part of the omelette, around Clonfeacle, whilst waiting for RTE to turn up.
“Aye, that’s true. I was as hungry as a horse because we had run out of eggs and Philomena hadn’t been to Newell Stores yet. I just had a wee corner of it though. It now looks like Aghaloo’s been wiped off the map, but sure, they won’t mind. It still looks deadly”.
He went on,
“RTE never turned up. Their loss. The very least we were expecting was Sky News and some reporters from London, or maybe some of them celebrity chefs like Jamie Olivers or Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. In the end we just took a photo of it and stuck it in the fridge next to the Kerrygold”.
The pair have offered to stage an exhibition of the so-called ‘Omagh Omelette’ at Croke Park in place of the cancelled Garth Brooks’ concerts later this week.
“At least people would still get their money’s worth”, said Peader. “We’d have the Omelette on a big video screen and Philomena could play the spoons while I sing Friends In Low Places, so that people still think they’re getting a bit of the Brooks’ magic, while they’re looking at the Omelette. I’m some chanter once I get going. And for a lock of extra pounds I’d be happy doing a couple of matinee performances”.
In 2012 McCaughey dug up a potato in his father-in-law’s field which had an exact resemblance to England footballer Wayne Rooney, before digging up a further 200 potatoes that also had an exact resemblance to Rooney.
A 2-second blast of thunder left most of East Tyrone on high alert throughout the night with police reporting 1340 calls from worried homeowners. PSNI officials also admitted they spent a couple of hours driving about looking for the noise before the Met Office in Belfast informed them that the sound was actually thunder.
The blast, which occurred around 10pm last night, was described as something close to the sound of a nuclear bomb according to Dungannon pub-owner Jamesey Sloan:
“I’ve never heard anything like it. There were boys running all over the town screaming and shouting about the war being back on and about heading to the bunkers. Women were crying and wailing, saying rosaries in the middle of the street. It was like a film.”
Meanwhile in Ardboe, thousands of residents got into their boats and rowed for Antrim on the other side of the Lough. Patsy Coney remarked:
“Ghost oh boys it was tara. We thought maybe the Sperrins were falling down or something so we all sailed East. A couple of boys swam it. The clergy were handing out Last Rites all over the joint.”
PSNI spokesman Herr Steinburger admitted there were a few red faces in the force:
“Yes, we got caught up in the whole excitement. We had 400 officers out in jeeps looking for the noise. When you add in the 200 or so vigilantes also out searching for the noise there was chaos on the roads. We thought it came from a poitin barn in Stewartstown but he said he’d made all his Christmas batches months ago.”
BBC Weather confirmed it was just one short blast of thunder and warned locals not to go clean mad again tomorrow when hailstones are predicted.
Government officials today were refusing to comment on the news that upwards on 150 claims are to be investigated by the ‘Bad Snow Compensation Bureau’. The Bureau were alerted to the possible misdemeanors after a zoo official, who was in their office registering a personal snow-plough, indicated that there were definitely no giraffes in Greencastle. Farmers were invited last month to forward a list of animals they may have lost in the drifting snow in the hope that some compensation would ease their financial losses. The Bad Snow Compensation Bureau’s Johnny Bingham explained:
“We received an unusually large quota of claims from the Greencastle area in the immediate aftermath of the recent snowfall regarding the loss of a vast array of animals not really seen that often around the bottom of the Sperrins. Farmer Devlin claims he lost 33 ostriches and an elephant in the snowdrift. A neighbour, Johnny ‘the yellow boy’ McCullagh, maintains the extreme weather cost him three giraffes, two alligators and four kangaroos. I know the snowdrifts were unusually high but the giraffe is stretching the imagination a bit. Add to that the fact that no one had ever seen a giraffe in the area and it’s beginning to look a bit dubious.”
McCullagh is still adamant he is a few exotic animals down after the snow and explains why locals had never spotted them before the tragdey:
“What does it matter if these people hadn’t seen the giraffes? People here in passing would just put them down as big horses. The two alligators were fairly camouflaged so I can explain that one away. The kangaroos are private individuals and brilliant at avoiding detection. I’m fairly gutted about their disappearance to be honest.”
When pressed on the fact the coyote noises coming from the barn were quite obviously his wife and children faking it and that no animal was recovered when the snow melted, McCullagh muttered something about them being in heaven and to get off his land. Devlin and McCullagh stand to receive £300’000 if successful. John Teague’s claim for a missing wooly mammoth wasn’t even processed.
A Greencastle fitter, Malachy Teague, feared he’d lost days after taking too many flu tablets that the local doctor had prescribed for him. Although it explicitly said to only take two every four hours, an under-the-weather Teague mixed the numbers up and swallowed four every two hours.
“I went to lie down around 2pm for a quick sleep only to wake up and it dark. I was confused so I grabbed the tablet pack and saw they were done. On reading the label, I knew I’d made a terrible mistake and surmised that I must’ve been out cold for a few days at least. I’d seen that word surmised on Countdown a while ago and thought it was a great word.”
With all clocks and watches stopped in the house, Teague headed down to Eddie’s to find out what day it was, only to experience how difficult finding out that information actually was.
“I asked Sean behind the bar if he had a paper so I could check how my greyhound tip got on. I had no tip but just wanted to see the date on the paper. Sean asked what greyhound it was. I had to think on my feet and just made up a name – “Kissy Slippy”. Sean said it came nowhere and walked off. I went to the back bar and this time just asked for a look at today’s paper. Geordie said his wife had it upstairs and sure there was nothing in it anyway. Exasperated, I saw oul Johnny Devlin reading the Irish News at the back wall with a magnifying glass. At this stage I’d decided that if he refused to give me the paper I’d kill him, 93 or not. I just grabbed the thing off him, saw it was still today’s date and handed it back politely.”
It turned out that Malachy had just been sleeping for five hours due to the heavy flu.
“Gee I was quare and relieved to get that sorted. You just cannot go up to someone and ask them to give you the day of the week.”
In other local news, Greencastle GAC have started a petition to get the Sperrin Mountains moved.
A recently discovered book not included in the New Testament bible explains the role a man from Augher played in moving the stone from the tomb of Christ.
Previously known as the Q Hypothesis, the Book of Thomas was recently found by archeologists in Egypt, which unifies the gospels of Matthew, Mark and Luke and explains the striking similarities between the three books, all of which share stories, phrases and even direct quotes with one another.
The transcript reveals 13 verses in Chapter 6 about a man from Ireland who was travelling close to Golgotha at the time of the entombment of Christ:
13 A man who was from the place called Augher in the Land of the Sperrins, travelled a long distance from the west. 14 His name was Eugene, and he had made a great fortune selling pallets.
15 He passed the tomb of Christ where nine men stood by the stone, looking at it. 16 He did say unto them ‘Are yous thinking about moveth thon stone?’ And they said unto him ‘Yes’. 17 And the man who was called Eugene did say back to the nine men, 18 ‘Deadly. The stone is heavy but I can help yous coup it for a lock of camels’.
19 And the ten men pushed and heaved and pushed and heaved and there was much wailing and gnashing of teeth, but the stone did not move. 20 So the men stopped and sat and drank tea and ate wheaten and Eugene talked about the evil Clogher and after an hour stood up again. 21 Again they pushed and heaved, and they did sweat and toil, loudly shouting ‘Christ Almighty’. And lo the stone did slowly roll away.
22 The men went into the cave with Eugene and he said unto them ‘Red everything out will yiz’ but there was no sign of the Lord, 23 and the man called Eugene did say ‘This is some handlin’ brethren’. 24 Then he said unto them to go with him to a house of wine where they slaked their thirst with home spirit the man Eugene had made. 25 And there they talked in tongues and drank more spirit and lo they slowly fell to their knees and to the floor where they lay for many hours.
Eugene of Augher’s direct family are to open their family home on the Crossowen Road where people can come and look at the bed he would have slept on if he had been born 2000 years later.