Leading boffins at Queen’s University have confirmed that ‘man-cold’ can have just as equally debilitating effects as man-flu does, at any time of year.
Symptoms such as being unable to put the bin out this week and losing the ability to make a cup of tea have been cited as classic signs of mancold according to scientist Prof Barry Donnelly from Belfast:
“We’ve long suspected that man-cold can be compared to man-flu in many ways and recent observations have confirmed this. We observed three men in the early stages of a mild head cold and they displayed typical signs such as laying on the sofa feeling sorry for themselves, to shouting at the children for trivial things. In fact, being unable to do any family activities was the confirmation we needed.”
Man-cold sufferers have been advised to avoid looking for sympathy from spouses and to definitely refrain from comparing the head cold to child birth at all costs. Three man-colders suffered severe bruising in east Tyrone last week after refusing to attend a ‘Back-To-School’ information evening for parents in Moortown, citing being unwell.
Doctors have asked man-cold sufferers to drink a glass of water and to get up.
A Greencastle fitter, Malachy Teague, feared he’d lost days after taking too many flu tablets that the local doctor had prescribed for him. Although it explicitly said to only take two every four hours, an under-the-weather Teague mixed the numbers up and swallowed four every two hours.
“I went to lie down around 2pm for a quick sleep only to wake up and it dark. I was confused so I grabbed the tablet pack and saw they were done. On reading the label, I knew I’d made a terrible mistake and surmised that I must’ve been out cold for a few days at least. I’d seen that word surmised on Countdown a while ago and thought it was a great word.”
With all clocks and watches stopped in the house, Teague headed down to Eddie’s to find out what day it was, only to experience how difficult finding out that information actually was.
“I asked Sean behind the bar if he had a paper so I could check how my greyhound tip got on. I had no tip but just wanted to see the date on the paper. Sean asked what greyhound it was. I had to think on my feet and just made up a name – “Kissy Slippy”. Sean said it came nowhere and walked off. I went to the back bar and this time just asked for a look at today’s paper. Geordie said his wife had it upstairs and sure there was nothing in it anyway. Exasperated, I saw oul Johnny Devlin reading the Irish News at the back wall with a magnifying glass. At this stage I’d decided that if he refused to give me the paper I’d kill him, 93 or not. I just grabbed the thing off him, saw it was still today’s date and handed it back politely.”
It turned out that Malachy had just been sleeping for five hours due to the heavy flu.
“Gee I was quare and relieved to get that sorted. You just cannot go up to someone and ask them to give you the day of the week.”
In other local news, Greencastle GAC have started a petition to get the Sperrin Mountains moved.