DUP Man Suspended After Mobile Footage Shows Him Tapping His Foot To Ireland’s Eurovision Entry, On A Sunday
A junior DUP party member from Cookstown, who hasn’t been at his desk for over a week, has finally revealed that he has been disciplined after mobile phone footage showed him tapping his foot and smirking to Ireland’s Eurovision song which celebrated same-sex relationships, on a Sunday.
Wilbert McFettridge (22) claims he hasn’t been told which aspect of his party’s principles he had violated but has vowed to be a better DUP man in the future:
“I haven’t been informed yet if it was the fact that I was toe-tapping to an Irish entry, or that the song was about a love story between two men or finally if it was the fact that I did all this on a Sunday that I have been suspended for. I didn’t know I was smirking but I was probably thinking of a good joke or something.”
McFetridge wanted to confirm to his supporters and voters that he has spent the last week listening to the Moygashel Loyalist Flute Band Greatest Hits CD non-stop in his car even since his lapse and will be more aware of his musical preferences in future:
“To be honest I wasn’t aware of anyone filming me. I just happened to be listening to it whilst waiting in traffic to get into the Cookstown Fr Rock’s game against Greencastle. Damn it, I mean Sunday Service,”
The DUP now are currently monitoring CCTV footage of cars arriving at the Cookstown GAA ground that Sunday. If spotted, McFetridge could be up on all four accounts of breaching party ethos.
Greencastle Man Vows To Try Pancake-Making Again Next Year After Kitchen Wrecked For Third Year Running
An adventurous Greencastle entrepreneur claims he will not be deterred from giving his family a pancake breakfast on Shrove Tuesday next year after he ravaged his kitchen for the third year running.
Describing his pancakes as ‘a bit crispy to be fair’, Diarmuid O’Devlin maintains he is not far off from producing the finished product despite causing over £20’000 worth of damage to their state-of-the-art kitchen area:
“It’s just a matter of timing. Last year I put too many eggs into the pan and that seemed to start a bit of a fire which was eventually extinguished somewhere near the Gortin Glens. This year I got slightly distracted by a rerun of a good Knight Rider episode and the pancakes were a bit burnt, as well as the front part of the house.”
Luckily, the NI Fire Brigade West Tyrone Division hired over 40 part-time fire fighters for today due to the expected rise in previously kitchen-shy men striving to impress family members with their pancake-making skills, especially the day before Valentine’s Day this year.
Meanwhile a family in Omagh spent most of the morning eating their breakfast from the tops of ladders after all six pancakes made by local footballer Joey McMahon ended up stuck on the roof during an attempt to impress with his pancake-flipping skills. Mrs McMahon was later admitted to hospital with neck strain.
PSNI officials have confirmed that over 30 people have been arrested in the greater Kildress/Greencastle because of the recent hole-punching craze. Hole-punching, which sees a victim being punched on the backside by a passer-by or lingerer, has been on the rise in recent weeks in the area with many crimes going unsolved due to the stealth-like nature of the antagonists.
Although the majority of crimes have been committed in the open air, usually in busy shopping streets, there has been a marked rise in incidents during Communion at Mass or in the queue at the Jobcentre Plus offices.
The most recent arrest occurred at the Kildress Chip Shop when a 55-year-old man became a victim whilst ordering a cowboy supper with a tin of Lilt. Paddy McGurk explained:
Yes, there I was queuing up for a feed and all of a sudden Mrs Burns came up behind me and gave me an unmerciful punch on the backside. It was quite a shock and I didn’t expect it from a woman of 49. This hole-punching has to stop. It’s as bad as the yo-yo.”
The art of hole-punching can be traced back to the mid-1500s when old Gaelic Lords and their armies used the same tactic to great success against the English due to a lack of weaponry.
A BBC documentary on hole-punching was abandoned last week after their production team had ‘the holes punched clean off them‘ after an ambush by the Kildress Cabal.
The various current O’Neill family nicknames within the county are to be phased out and replaced with sub-clan names based on general physical characteristics.
The O’Neill Lineage and Genealogy Society have agreed that many of the current nicknames are either outdated or clouded in mystery as to their origin. They are to be re-classified on the 1st of October, categorised by location. O’Neill households are to receive official documentation within a fortnight, adding that there will be no appeal procedure for any disgruntled recipients.
The following list summarises the main changes:
O’Neills from Omagh, Plumbridge, Strabane, Dromore, Gortin and Fintona and any towns and villages west of these: The big-boned O’Neills. These O’Neills have a remarkably consistent characteristic across all families – they all have large behinds. We considered calling these clans ‘The Big-Arsed O’Neills‘ but considered that to be too crude for general consumption.
O’Neills from Carrickmore, Pomeroy, Greencastle, Galbally, Aughnacloy, Ballygawley and surrounding area: The Long-Nosed O’Neills. This breed have long, pointy faces and a matching oblong noses which makes them excellent tax-collectors or traffic wardens.
O’Neills from Dungannon, Donaghmore, Brackaville, Cookstown and Coalisland: The Square-Headed O’Neills. The O’Neills from this area have distinctive square heads, often causing difficult childbirths for O’Neill mothers. They are not to be confused with the oblong O’Neills just west of this area.
O’Neills from Ardboe, Moortown, Clonoe Parish, Moy: The Yellow O’Neills. These clans have a natural tanning during the summer, often caused by their tendency to sunbathe at the Lough shore. However, over the winter, their skin turns a remarkable yellow colour and are often wrongly diagnosed with jaundice despite being perfectly healthy. We considered naming them the Banana O’Neills but that threw up too many opportunities for people to poke fun at.
Any other O’Neills not covered by the above areas are to contact the O’Neill Society for re-classification as well as providing a photo for the same purpose.
In a desperate bid to placate the anti-mining supporters in the Greencastle area, an offer of gold teeth for every resident has been proposed by a joint Stormont/Dentistry Association organisation. The offer, however, has been rejected by a majority decision after three nights of deliberation and forceful arguments which also saw a minor brawl on the Crockanboy Road involving bits of wood, turf, three dogs and a pellet gun.
The use of cyanide has been a contentious issue in the gold-mining proposals at the foot of the Sperrins, with many believing that the long-term effects are unproven and potentially unsafe. Local traveller, Kieran Donnelly, travelled to Finland to speak to residents of a village which experienced gold-mining recently:
“There was a definite side-effect. I couldn’t understand what any of them were saying and not one of them was for Clones in May. But their gold teeth was something to behold. I’d be rightly tempted by that – heading to a disco and the Kildress ones being jealous of our teeth. But, I suppose gold teeth are no good to you if you’re riddled with the consumption because of the cyanide.”
The 3-day debate over the offer of gold teeth appears to have revolved around a certain Diarmuid Devlin who seemingly convinced several friends that cyanide might have similar properties to kryptonite and, if fed under strict conditions to the senior football team, might make them giants and win the senior championship.
Devlin backed down when told that Superman wasn’t real and anyway if he was he’d probably get out of Greencastle straight away and head to warmer places like Bundoran or Downings.
Tyrone Tribulations supports Greencastle Says No To Cyancide.
Recent tax returns have confirmed that a Greencastle entrepreneur has pocketed over £3.2m in profit due to his ‘Sperrin Air’ production line which sees customers buying wheelbarrows full of air he has gathered from high up in the Sperrin Mountains.
Dermie Doherty, who has over 140 wheelbarrows currently in action, travels up Sawel Mountain in the Sperrin range by foot and, armed only with his wheelbarrow, collects the natural high-altitude air by walking around randomly before wheeling it back to his yard and emptying it into jam jars or leaving it in the barrows for bulk sale.
However, despite a roaring trade and soaring profits, concerns have emerged over serious side effects including cheering on Derry and fancying close relatives. Long-time customer Patsy Hurl of Cappagh explained:
“There’s no better feeling than opening up a jar of Sperrin Air and breathing in the delights of pure mountain atmosphere. At £39.99 a shot it’s not cheap but you definitely feel healthier. But they way I cheered Emmet McGuckin’s penalty against my home county was a bit disconcerting. And then I fought a lad over my cousin’s affections at the Slaughtneil disco. I’m weaning off it.”
Doherty has promised to label the barrows or jam jars with a health warning that some may suffer Derry-related side effects but argued that the overall positives outweighed the cons:
“Only 3 in every 5 are showing signs of Derryitis. To me that’s good odds. I’m shipping 35 wheelbarrows full of Sperrin Air every day so I’m doing something right.”
Health watchdog ‘Fresh’ have asked customers to be careful when wheeling the air home as any spillage of the air from the barrow could contaminate Tyrone air with catastrophic effects.
Health watchdogs have castigated the new Mid-Tyrone Hospital management after the board advised patients in all wards to maybe ‘smile a bit more’, accusing staff and patients of making the institution a miserable place to walk through for visitors.
The Greencastle-based hospital, which opened in 2009, holds over 700 patients as well as 188 staff. The management also offered free make-up bags for nurses in order to brighten the place up a bit for visitors and inspectors.
Their 3000 word report detailed how patients looked ‘miserable and depressed, like as if the world was ending‘ and that they should ‘maybe lighten up a bit‘. It also went on to state how nurses were sometimes ‘grumpy with awkward patients‘ and that ‘some female nurses wore little or no make-up whilst male nurses could probably slap on some foundation too‘. It also accused doctors of delivering ‘bad news with a frown‘ and advised them to dress it up a bit with the positives about ‘having had a good life so far‘ and winking.
Health watchdogs MediLook fumed:
“This is a disgraceful report. It’s like they want to be the McDonald’s of the medical world. Our sources tell us they chastised a man who’d arrived in A&E with a 6-inch nail in his hand for ‘crying like a wee girl‘ and shouted at a male patient who had been diagnosed with severe piles for ‘getting on like a dick‘. It’s unacceptable.”
Mid-Tyrone Hospital CEO Dermot Devlin hit back at the watchdog’s analysis by reminding the public that ‘millions of years ago there were no humans‘ and that ‘people are moaners, especially the sick ones‘.
Devlin also revealed they’re commencing their Hospital Radio next week, which will be pumped into all wards. Opening tracks include ‘Don’t Worry, Be Happy’, ‘Staying Alive’ and ‘The Final Countdown’.
The Chief Executive of the Mid Ulster Council has been accused of allegedly demoting the status of Tyrone’s largest towns to just ‘hamlets’ or ‘villages’ as well as harbouring long term plans to relocate half of Tyrone into Derry over the next ten years.
Anthony Tohill, who played a major role in the simmering rivalry between Tyrone and Derry during the mid 90s, has yet to be caught red-handed but veteran council member Declan Rafferty maintains you couldn’t trust him despite having no concrete evidence.
“I’ve had my suspicions about that Swatragh man since he landed the job. No Derry man should be in such a powerful position over Tyrone affairs. There was that time he teased us about Ballygawley being a town. Sure nothing came of that. Now there’s talk he’s downgrading Omagh, Dungannon, Cookstown and Coalisland to just small villages. He’ll be officially labelling them shit-holes next.”
Another committee member who wishes to remain nameless reveals he overheard Tohill deliberating whether or not to swallow up Greencastle, Kildress, Cranagh, Cookstown and Glenelly into County Derry.
“Not only that but I believe he’s to award Draperstown city status with all the benefits that entails. This man is a tyrant and will stop at nothing until he has dismantled Tyrone. Apparently he’s to re-classify Pomeroy as a shanty town. He’s worse than Cromwell.”
Committee members predict a stormy meeting when the council meet up at the end of the month to discuss Tohill’s motion to permanently close the M1 before the Tamnamore roundabout on the Belfast side and replace it with a mud road for horses and carts.
Meanwhile, Tohill’s PR team maintain there is no truth in the rumours and wanted to remind people that he even has some Tyrone friends.
A well known Greencastle entrepreneur, photographer and triangle player is under pressure tonight to explain away the dubious photograph he allegedly took of the unusual red moon last night from his back garden.
Diarmuid O’Develane (38) posted the photo on Facebook, after previously telling everyone in Greencastle not to take any photos of the moon as he would supply the definite Greencastle picture to the world in all its brilliance.
The picture, which raises many concerns, drew a rash of abusive comments from friends and family who went to bed early last night in the knowledge that Diarmuid was representing Greencastle with his state of the art Kodak camera. O’Develane’s uncle and former press photographer was first to comment on the supposed ‘Red Moon From Greencastle’:
“Expect us to believe that, ye bollox.”
A friend added fuel to the fire:
“The next time I see ye Diarmy I’ll ram that Kodak up yer jacksie.”
An ex-girlfriend remarked:
“Stunning. (being sarcastic).”
O’Develane finally weighed in to the debate, defending his picture:
“A lot of you people here don’t understand digital photography so I suggest yiz shut up. It was a deadly windy night and the WiFi connection was coming and going so all-in-all it’s a decent photo. I’m the one who had to stay up to 4am in the cold, drinking gin.”
A Greencastle GAA player immediately replied:
“Sure how come I saw you tweeting a picture of yourself in bed at 10:30 watching Downton Abbey, drinking gin? Get up the road, Diarmy.”
O’Develane courted controversy last year when he posted photos of himself at the World Cup in Brazil when he was actually in his house watching all of the Game of Thrones series.
To tumultuous applause and four wolf whistles, Greencastle man Dermie Devlins won his home club’s talent contest for the ninth consecutive year with his ‘Deadly Stare’ act which sees him stare at the judges for 4 minutes solid without blinking.
Despite stiff competition from a man from Plumbridge who can spin on his backside using a broom handle for manoeuvring and a woman with a moustache from Glenelly, Devlins took 98% of the vote from the audience in attendance, a new record despite no change in his act since his first victory in 2007.
Chief judge Jilly Kincon explained the result:
“Everyone knew who the class act in the field was. Devlins’ Deadly Stare really is deadly. He just stares like, for 4 minutes and doesn’t blink at all. It’s like a goat or the devil himself. Staring is not something any Tom, Dick or Harry can do. Well Dermie can.”
A small protest outside the clubrooms caused some disruption around midnight when friends and family of the Kildress entry refused to allow cars to leave until the judges were replaced and a new competition held. Their man, Kieran Molloy, who sang ‘Do You Want Yer Oul Lobby Washed Down‘ in Ulster Scots, received no votes.
Traffic was eventually allowed past when organisers agreed to buy a round for all Kildress supporters at the show.
Residents of Greencastle have been asked to return to their houses after the reported flying cow news story turned out to be a hoax. Government officials confirmed there’ll be no claim forms for this.
Photoshop experts from Dungannon Tech confirmed that the image captured and shared by Frank Mitchell on UTV Weather Watchers was a really poor computer job by a B-Tech IT student and not a real depiction of cattle hurtling towards the Sperrins.
Dermot O’Devlin, an esteemed local historian, remains sceptical:
“Well, I think I know that cow from my Christmas party shenanigans. The lights on it are a give away. Anyway, I’m not heading back to my house until I know there are no livestock casually hurtling about in my locality and them weighing a few hundred tonnes. If there’s a claim, I’m in though.”
Local Photoshop guru, Jack McKinless, labelled the picture ‘one of the worst Photoshop jobs’ he’s ever seen.
The Greencastle flying cow story follows on from the Kildress Old People’s Home incident which lamented the loss of 44 elderly residents who blew away ‘northwards’ during the high winds. Worker Patricia Hurson maintains she saw them fly off ‘towards Derry’ whilst out for their morning walk.
Shortly afterwards, workers applied for a grant which caters for Act of God bereavement stress amongst their staff.
NI State Papers Reveal Devious Plan To Stop Tyrone ’86 All-Ireland Win. McCrea To Air Strike Carrickmore on Hang Glider.
The declassified NI State Papers for 1985/86 have sent shock waves throughout the county as it confirmed Unionist politicians funded Kerry’s training camps in the run up to the All-Ireland Final in 1986.
The papers also revealed the possibility of an aerial bombardment of Carrickmore, Galbally, Cappagh and Coalisland in a plane personally piloted by Willie McCrea and his dog ‘Butcher’.
The £3.2m UUP funding released for Kerry’s preparations for the 1986 final, which they won by eight points, enabled the Munster champions to come strong towards the end of the game, overcoming a seven point deficit early in the second half. A Tyrone insider from 1986 remarked:
“This explains everything. When Kerry ran out on to the field it was noticeable how tanned they were, so they were obviously in Portugal or Africa or something, running on fancy running machines. The Unionists just did not want to see us happy. Also, when Kevin McCabe’s penalty went over the bar I thought there was an unnatural gust of wind just at the moment he kicked it. Some satellite signal no doubt.”
The papers also revealed a request made by Willie McCrea to the Queen of England at the time to personally launch air strikes on republican hotspots using his recently required pilot’s licence and a motorised hang-glider with enough room for Butcher, his trusty dog.
McCrea’s appeal was rejected after what the Defence Secretary called ‘serious consideration’ with reservations about the effect of slingshotting rotten fruit and vegetables would have on the targeted communities proving too strong to ignore.
McCrea ignored their advice but had to abandon an attempt on Greencastle in 1987 when his glider got stuck in the Sperrins 30 seconds after take-off, with Buster visibly stressed and barking loudly.
Mary Devlin, who had to re-sit her driving test this year after banging into half a dozen motors on her way to collect her grandson from school, maintains she noticed a few bad habits the Formula One World Champion has developed over the last few years:
“For starters, he’s always driving over the kerb. But that’s maybe a result of breaking too late before corners and stuff. Then sure he’s always taking breaks for a minute or two every half an hour or so. How this man won that trophy last night amazes me. Looksee, I can drive to Belfast without stopping at all.”
Devlin did not hold back on other sporting high achievers:
“I hear people going on about this Rory McIlroy and how he should have won it. This is a man who walks slowly around a field in a jumper and chinos hitting a ball with a stick maybe 70 times over 4 hours. And don’t get me started about people riding bikes. I’ve been riding since I was 17.”
Meanwhile, Devlin wanted to reiterate that she is not related to the Greencastle woman who accidentally drove up Croagh Patrick or the Greencastle woman who drove to Dublin in first gear. (click on links)
It emerged this evening that two Tyrone Tribulation journalists, Shengas McGlumphie and Gombeen, have fled their offices and are at large after they received a tip off from a security forces insider.
The PSNI initiative, nicknamed ‘Operation Bulldung’, is aimed at ridding the Internet of lies and untruths. Reports suggest the Tyrone Tribulation journalists are their most wanted suspects after two years of writing complete nonsense online on a daily basis.
DCI McKillop, who has a reputation of getting the job done, explained the situation:
“We’re sick and tired of them boys writing utter tripe on the Internet, giving people cause to imitate stupid things. Last week we received calls from parents worried their daughters were going to spend a fortune on getting that trout look. Their lies is getting a bit tedious and no one likes a liar around these parts.”
Friends of the on-the-run pair have started a Facebook page called ‘Free The Tribulation Two’ and have already amassed 6 likes. One of the anonymous authors told us:
“It’s a disgrace so it is.”
The PSNI have send out leaflets to homes across the county, warning people not to approach the pair as they are armed with untruths, and in case they start lying again. They added:
“Let them two be under no illusion. Tyrone is a small place and by the weekend there’ll be nowhere to hide. We have men with flippers in the Lough and half the county are touts so it’s a no-win situation for the bullshitters. That’s where lies get you. Hand over your laptops.”
Eye witness reports have confirmed the presence of two suspicious men walking around Greencastle heading in the direction of Kildress with two laptops, a fishing rod, a piece of chicken and a loaf of bread.
Derrylaughan, Derrytresk, Brocagh and Clonoe have issued a joint statement asking for Clonoe Parish residents to stop watching UTV until Frank Mitchell features one of them in his weather watching camera segment.
The segment, which occurs at the end of the 6pm News, sees Mitchell give an almost impossible obscure cryptic clue to accompany a photo of somewhere in Ulster. Examples this week have been: ‘tired of donating to charity’ (DUNGIVEN), ‘American money’ (KESH) and ‘what you do in school’ (LARNE).
Spokesman for the parish and Fermanagh native Duckie Bogue defended their stance:
“Let’s be clear about this. Mitchell is acting the bollocks here. He has featured Coalisland SEVEN times in his bit. Seven times! Like how often can he come up with clues about coal and an island? He’s rubbing our faces in it and he knows it.”
Bogue went on to declare Clonoe Parish as a Frank Mitchell-free zone and warned the radio presenter that he’d be burned out of it if he’s spotted anywhere near East Tyrone.
“It’s not as if Derrylaughan or Brocagh are particularly hard to create clues for. I can’t think of any right now myself but sure I’m not paid to. He’s meant to be the wordy genius. We exist, Frank, we exist.”
Meanwhile, Mitchell has been accused by viewers of not even trying any more after putting up his 15th picture of Greencastle and stating ‘It’s a castle that might be green‘. Avid watcher and former Armagh footballer Jarlie Byrnes ranted:
“if he’s not going to make the effort any more I’m turning over to the BBC slightly early to prepare to watch the local news again”.
The recent TV coverage of tennis at Wimbledon has prompted a local opportunist entrepreneur to capitalise on the renewed interest in the sport.
Fergal Donaghy from Annaghmore decided to make the investment after seeing two youngsters playing with tennis racquets near Greencastle last week during the Wimbledon fortnight.
“Sure, they were using them to belt lumps out of each other, but still, it’s the Wimbledon effect”, said an excited Donaghy. “The cubs are mad for the tennis in Tyrone, and once my tennis centre opens, they’ll be flocking in”.
Donaghy has already started work on a permanent venue for the centre and a search for much-needed equipment.
“Aye, we’re still sort of planning where the site’s going to be. The place I’m using at the moment is amazing with lots and lots of space and kids think it’s class, but apparently Asda say it’s ‘their’ car park. Sure, we’ll squeeze it into a corner of Garvaghey. They won’t mind. We don’t need much space because I’m going to use much smaller tennis courts. The size of existing courts has players run ragged. No wonder Andy Murray’s always got a face like a slapped arse. The poor lad’s knackered. No, we’re going to reduce the court by about three quarters. Revolutionary”.
“Thon Andy Murray’s a class act. Unbeatable. I didn’t get to see much of Wimbledon this year, but I didn’t have to to know that he’s won it again. He’s unbeatable that boy”.
Sourcing appropriate kit has so far has proved a challenge for the entrepreneur.
“I picked up all these class state-of-the-art wooden tennis racquets at a sale. The kids love playing with them. Imagine how much more they’ll like them once we put strings in them. Tennis racquet string’s supposed to be made from catgut, and we tried sourcing it locally, but Jays, it was some handlin’. The miaowing’s still ringing in my ears. I’ve still got the scratches. I’m not making that mistake again. A wee bit of blue rope will do the job just as well”.
Donaghy revealed exciting expansion plans for the future.
“Once this tennis centre’s open, I’ll do one in every county. Armagh’s first, then Fermanagh, probably in Enniskillen. I want to come up with a snappy name for it that combines ‘Enniskillen’ with ‘tennis’, but so far it’s got me stumped”.
Donaghy has also sent a fax to Cliff Richard asking him to stay away from the centre when it opens.
Following Eamon Dunphy’s four letter word slip-up yesterday live on RTE during their World Cup coverage, parents and teachers across Ulster have reported a rise in bad language today in homes and schools, highlighting the popularity of both football and Eamon Dunphy.
Dunphy, who has since made two apologies for his error, believed the cameras were off air before he offered his opinion on Neymar’s penalty kick for Brazil against Croatia. Headmaster Michael McGlone indicated that it is too late for his class of P6s from Greencastle, at the bottom of the Sperrin Mountains:
“Ah, I know mistakes can happen but Holy Jaysus this morning has been an eye-opener for me in terms of the power and influence TV has over youngster these days. At 8:45am, on his way in to the school, our head boy and chief altar helper said to me ‘Master, I’m hope there’s no fuckin homework today as it’s fuckin hot again out there’. This boy hasn’t cursed since birth.”
It’s not just in the classroom that colourful language has been on the increase, as mother of three Julie O’Neill from Brocagh on the shores of Lough Neagh explained:
“The children were up watching RTE last night as we’re big Mexico fans because we love their food, especially all that taco shit. We paid no heed to the slip-up last night and assumed the children had not heard it. Well, this morning I overhead my two youngest Peter (6) and Mary (5) fuckin and blindin away about the Corn Flakes. I thought two work men were in that kitchen, not my precious angels. Eamon Dunphy, you’re one fuckin bollocks!”
Meanwhile, it has been rumoured that Dunphy will tour Ireland to visit schools to promote ‘Say No To Bad Fuckin Language’ although the tour’s risky title is still under review.
Following his comments over Scottish independence last week, the President of the United States made some astonishing remarks regarding the recent re-configuration of the parking and road layout in Dungannon Square.
Speaking on NBC television, Barack Obama fumed,
“There is a democratic process in place in Tyrone and what they do to Dungannon Square is up to the people who live there. But from the outside, anyone can see that a two-way system going up to the library flanked by only 27 parking spaces is sheer lunacy. What’s going on? Is Barry McElduff still a counsellor?”
He went on,
“And how is The Beast supposed to get parked outside The Fort in Scotch Street for a quick pint of the black stuff after the match when there’s nowhere to park? And by The Beast I mean my big car, not Michelle”, he added hurriedly. “She’s great at parking”.
The President went on to explain his interest not just in the future sovereignty of Scotland but also the potential late afternoon traffic congestion in a small provincial town in Northern Ireland.
“Folks don’t realise I have family background in Tyrone”, he explained. “The popular myth is that I’m from Moneygall which is why I went there in 2011, but actually I have some Tyrone blood too. I just pretended to come from Moneygall because the FBI were too scared to take me to Greencastle. To use a local expression, they said that turning up there could be a ‘right handling’, the likes of which they had never seen before. And don’t forget some of these guys were in Vietnam”.
Obama explained how his cover was nearly blown last time he visited Dungannon in cognito.
“I was wearing my usual disguise as a Kildress man and popped into the library to take some books back. Well of course, thinking it through there’s not many Kildress men who are into reading about Egytian poetry, so the librarian new that something was up. Well, it was either that or the 26 security men that were sitting in the children’s section pretending to read The Gruffalo”.
President has privately vowed to support ‘regime change’ in Dungannon and failing that might just ‘nuke the hell out of it’.
An undercover investigation by a Welsh journalist has revealed that up to 80% of taxi drivers in the county are doubling up as personal strippers for parties of women who crave a bit of live entertainment.
The report discovered that a lack of disposable income has resulted in the majority of young people staying indoors at the weekend, depriving taxi drivers of a much-needed income whilst also leaving the adrenaline-fuelled 18-40 year olds without excitement in their lives from Friday til Sunday.
A Greencastle taxi man, Garrett Devlin, revealed to the journalist:
“Aye, it’s really kicking off now. People don’t have the money these days to be travelling to places like Omagh and Kildress, so they’re sitting in the house getting full and listening to Garth Brooks or The Saw Doctors. Then we started getting calls to pick up at houses but when we arrived, there’d be wemen pleading for us to go in and strip off for double the fare. It’s a no-brainer. I now bring my fireman and farmer uniforms. I’ve never been more flush with cash.”
The taxi-stripper phenomenon quickly spread across the county with a particular spike in the Brocagh area. Lifelong taxi-man Seamie Dornan added:
“It has got to the stage now that we’ll only hire taxi men who are fairly slim and can flex a few muscles. They also must supply their own uniforms with Superman, sewage-worker and a boiler servicer the most popular striptease routines amongst women this direction. Although, we’re an equal-opportunities employer and we do employ fatter taxi men as there still a demand for big men around Ardboe and Ballinderry.”
Meanwhile, Jobseekers’ Allowance officials are to clamp down on these double jobbers by means of dummy runs. A dole-office worker accidentally caught out a taxi-stripper in Dungannon last week after ordering a taxi only for the driver to turn up in a cowboy outfit. His defence of getting ‘carried away after watching For A Few Dollars More the night previous’ was thrown out of court.
New rules introduced by the EU via Stormont will see the village of Fivemiletown in Tyrone renamed Eightkilometretown from next Monday.
Council workers were today hard at work changing signage in and around the town to ensure that the Ulster councils do not fall foul of a new
EU directive designed to ensure consistency and transparency across European members, which includes the standardisation from imperial measures to metric.
Fivemiletown is not the only location in Tyrone affected. Sixmilecross village today similarly becomes Ninekilometrecross, whilst one of the county’s best-known visitor attractions, the Beaghmore Stone Circles, a site of significant archaeological interest, becomes the Beaghmore Kilo Circles. Retail outlets are also affected, with Poundland in Dungannon’s Scotch Street changing to Gramland from next week.
Other plans which may be introduced over the next twelve months include driving on the right hand side of the road, horsemeat being sold throughout the county, again, and compulsory three-hour siestas on any day the sun comes out.
Local Tyrone councillor Enda McMann confirmed the changes:
“It makes sense. Sort of. If we’re trying to encourage Johnny Foreigner to come and visit the county we don’t want him all confused with the inches and the miles and driving on the wrong side of the road and suchlike. We want him thinking it’s just an extension of his own country. That’s why this time next year places like Cappagh and Galbally will have pavement cafes, street artists, and a branch of Harrods. A bit like Donaghmore really”.
“Imagine walking through Greencastle up to your arse in Michelin-starred restaurants. That’s what it’ll be like. And the Garvaghey complex will probably get bulldozed and turned into a big marina with million pound yachts and pedalo boats and things. Yep, we’re going the whole nine yards. Sorry, metres”.
As part of the re-naming programme, all possible racial references will be removed to ensure that no-one can take the slightest offence, with plans already under way for the River Blackwater to be re-named the River-Of-Non-Defined-Origin-Water from October.