A shop in Cookstown has reported tremendous sales in swimming trunks, bikinis, and suntan lotion after Barra Best announced on TV this morning that the days will start getting longer from tomorrow.
With Easter eggs already flying off the shelves in the run-up to Christmas, McDonnell’s Super Shop on Main Street has gambled on further panic buying by using a cardboard cutout of weatherman Best outside the shop, pointing at red togs and bandanas.
Owner Joe McDonnell exclaimed:
“I tell ye this. I’m in a mind to push it further and sell pumpkins and witch masks for Halloween 2023, in December now. There’s nothing that makes people happier in Tyrone than getting a bargain at least six months in advance over their neighbours The pumpkins should be kept in a big freezer though as 11 months can be long if left sitting in the garage.”
McDonnell’s Super Shop’s rival, Sheehys, is already selling Shloer for Christmas 2023.
Meanwhile, a Qatari delegation is currently in Brocagh looking into buying the Emmetts GAC. More on this tomorrow.
An Omagh window-cleaner today received a certificate to say he is allowed to take two seats on a plane, train or auto-mobile after he was diagnosed with Big Ball Syndrome, otherwise known as Testicle Magnificence in the medical profession.
Damien McNeill (44) revealed last week how he was often on the receiving end of dirty looks and disparaging tuts as fellow commuters fumed at his insistence on a wide-angled sitting approach, often taking up two and sometimes three seats. All that changed today when an Omagh Surgery identified McNeill as a sufferer of Testicle Magnificence, awarding him a certificate which can be shown to all public service operators:
“I was a social pariah. For years I tried to sit on just the one seat but would find myself passing out on the journey from Omagh and Tattyreagh and waking up somewhere miles away like Seskinore. Recently I tried to ignore the threats and slaps as I took up two seats, especially from pregnant women or the elderly. Now I can hold up my Big Ball Syndrome certificate and enjoy the journey.”
McNeill also confirmed he’s looking forward to his upcoming trip to New York where Testicle Magnificence is the norm rather than an exception.
“I might be the first man in Tyrone to be awarded this certificate but apparently 85% of Americans have Big Ball Syndrome and can take anything up to four seats at the cinema or restaurants. I think New York might be my spiritual home.”
Meanwhile, close friend and cynic Lenny Pollock is unsure how the new diagnosis will go down in the town:
“If I was Damien, I wouldn’t be celebrating quite yet. Omagh ones are not a people to accept official documentation and I wouldn’t be shocked if his certificate is shoved somewhere that’ll make his journey even more uncomfortable.”
A BBC documentary on McNeill’s plight will be screened some time in the summer, titled ‘Damien’s Danglers’.
Despite filming 10 episodes over a period of three months, a BBC NI spokesman confirmed that they’ll not be airing the ‘Tyrone Apprentice’ series over concerns regarding their twist on the iconic ‘You’re Fired’ hand gesture.
Desperate not to simply mimic the successful Alan Sugar version which sees the millionaire point at the unlucky contested each week, the Tyrone Apprentice, filmed in an unused boiler room in Powerscreen, sees local millionaire Giuseppe Morgan fire a potential business partner every episode by raising his middle finger and shouting ‘You’re Fired, Lad’.
BBC NI reality TV spokesman John Corr admitted they were always troubled over the use of the offensive gesture:
“People today are still a bit PC up this part of the world. The middle finger on NI TV is maybe ahead of its time but we can’t afford to take the chance. We thought about using a tranquillizer dart or pellet gun but that brings up all matter of hurdles we’d have to jump, from appeasing the decommissioning crowd to medical cover. We’ve decide to scrap the show and show a rerun of Grimes and McKee Tractor Tour Show.”
Corr added that a couple of apprentice candidates reacted badly to the firing middle-finger gesture and clambered over the table to take swipes at Morgan, although simultaneously admitting it was excellent TV.
The middle finger has a long and illustrious history, dating back to Ancient times when the Greeks used it as a sign of intimidation. In the Red Hand county it is often observed as a term of affection, with many motorists and GAA umpires using it.
For the record, an aspiring business man from Pomeroy won the outright final after his business plan of a gay strip bar in Plumbridge earned Giuseppe Morgan’s financial affections.
Award-winning BBC documentarist David Titchmarch has been asked by the Tyrone County Board to postpone his startling documentary on the Tyrone U21 side’s run to the All-Ireland Final.
His findings, which will send shock-waves the breadth of the province, shows former multiple All-Star Peter Canavan shouting loudly ‘like a demented school-teacher’ and Brian Dooher asking players to run around the field TWICE as a warm-up.
Manager Fergal Logan reportedly escapes criticism and is often filmed pleading ‘ah now, Peter, don’t be shouting like that’ and asking Dooher if he was maybe going a bit too hard on the players by making them do 15 press-ups and 15 squats.
A county board official, who downloaded the documentary illegally using an Irish torrent site, told us:
“Peter doesn’t come out too well in this. There’s a scene when he’s shouting at Frank Burns and his veins are clearly visible in his neck and him red-faced saying things like ‘for f**k sake Frank, bend for it, ye Pomeranian gope’. This won’t go down well with the parents of many of the players, especially when he slags off their highlighted hairstyles and expensive boots. He really is cross and crabbed, as the song goes.”
The documentary also paints Dooher as a sadistic pain-merchant, at one stage making the players do piggy-backs and backwards running. Our official explained further:
“I think the parents are going to be in two minds whether or not to send their players to training for the final. Dooher is filmed at one stage standing in front of the players making them do stretches and stuff for FIFTEEN minutes before they even kick a ball, smirking and winking at Canavan. This man is a machine but comes across like some soldier from Russia or Germany in the 1940s. Or maybe from England since the 1200s.”
Titchmarch has agreed to postpone the documentary until after the final has been played and has also agreed to slap on an 18 certificate because of the shouting and stuff.
A Strabane motoring enthusiast, tipped by locals to be as good as Jeremy Clarkson in terms of knowledge of cars, has failed to impress BBC producers following a dry run at presenting the show yesterday.
John O’Connell (44) is said to be fuming at the decision, accusing Top Gear officials of not thinking outside the box when it comes to presentational style. BBC bosses however rejected the criticism and reiterated their belief that the presenter cannot simply say “Jaysus boys thon’s tara” for every car he tries out.
Footage leaked from the pilot show sees O’Connell raking about in a new Audi shouting comments like ‘yeehar‘ and ‘shoe til the burd boys, shoe til the burd‘ before getting out of it, kicking the tyres, and turning to the camera, saying ‘Jaysus boys thon’s tara“. The exact same scenario followed when he tested out a new BMW.
O’Connell defended his style:
“Everyone has a catchphrase. If I’d been given a fair deal, everyone would be saying ‘Jaysus boys thon’s tara’ from the playground to business meetings, after a few episodes. BBC are just playing it safe and that’s disappointingly short-sighted from them.”
BBC also released footage of O’Connell using bleeped-out expletives during crucial scenes. One example showed the Strabane man shouting ‘f**k me boys, that’s deadly‘ after doing a handbrake turn in a Ferrari.
O’Connell maintains he will attempt to keep his presenting dream alive by applying for a job on The Sunday Game on RTE as a cover for Joe Brolly who is reportedly eyeing up the X-Factor role.
A Beragh man, who cites Seamus Heaney and WB Yeats as major influences on his life, was today getting his back slapped after he made a brilliant point on Spotlight last night on the BBC, using standard English.
Hugh Grimes accidentally found himself in the audience for the politics show by taking a wrong turn before the start of a live recording of Mrs Brown’s Boys.
During a heated discussion on budget cuts and austerity measures between all the main parties, Grimes put his hand up for 15 minutes before Noel Thompson ordered the microphone man to go to ‘the gent in the dungarees’.
After clearing his throat for a few seconds, Grimes commented:
“You boys don’t know yiz are born.”
which received a ripple of applause from three men in the back row.
Grimes arrived home to Beragh at 1am to tumultuous cheering and waving of club flags in a crowd estimated to be over 250. Grimes’ mother, Maura, tearfully told us:
“I knew from the moment he was born that he was destined for great things. When I saw him with his hand up on the show last night I was screaming like mad and I feared the BBC would discriminate against him because he hadn’t really dressed up. But he did brilliant. We understood every word.”
Grimes is reportedly doing a signing of DVD copies of the show in the local Centra all weekend and hopes to take his new-found fame a step further by appearing on the Nolan Show next week and vows to tackle the current homophobia issue with similar insightfulness and clarity.
Despite total media saturation in the preceding weeks, reports confirmed that all of Tyrone refused to recognise the celestial phenomenon of the solar eclipse, with 100% of its inhabitants going about their daily business without looking up or even talking about it.
Journalists from BBC, Sky and UTV were said to be disappointed after being despatched to various vantage points in the county only to be chased for ‘meddlin in things that no good will come from’ and with ‘there’s no money in that dung’ ringing in their ears.
Despite worries earlier in the week of possible pagan stirrings, the county proved to be a eclipse-free zone with schools and businesses issuing sanctions against anyone wishing to view the astronomical freak show.
Gareth Kenny, a 9-year old primary school pupil from St Ronan’s in Omagh, was clear as to why his school didn’t participate in the excitement:
“Sure it’s a pile of shite”
Dungannon, whose hill is a prime spot for viewing skyward events, was populated at full eclipse by three women and three dogs, who of whom were mating. When questioned on the lack of recognition of the sun/moon dance, one of the women explained:
“Sure it’s a pile of shite.”
At 9:31 am the clouds parted to show a full view of the 94% eclipse, despite predictions of a clouded non-event. A Sky News 24 reporter in The Moy described how the whole event passed off without recognition:
“This glorious occasion, with lighting considerably dulled and birds retreating in silence as well as a noticeable drop in temperature, went unnoticed in the sleepy hamlet of Moy. I heard one man, who was spitting furiously into a drain, exclaim ‘it’s dark, boys’ before giving a passer-by the 2 fingers.”
Meanwhile, Owen Mulligan confirmed his ‘full moon’ backside baring competition in Mulligan’s Bar on the same day was a raging success.
WARNING – THIS REPORT MAY CONTAIN BAD LANGUAGE, DEPENDING ON YOUR DISPOSITION
For the second time in two years, a Tyrone farmer has been escorted from the premises of a BBC building after verbally abusing judges in The Voice and tampering with the swinging chairs they sit on before turning around.
Paul Morgan (29), a budding pub-singer from Cappagh, was also involved in an incident during Strictly Come Dancing in 2013 when he kept shouting out scores a split second before the judges announced theirs, confusing the live audience and TV producers alike.
Morgan, who sang ‘Bat Out Of Hell’ in his audition for The Voice, became visibly irate as his song progressed at the fact that none of Tom Jones, Ricky Wilson, Rita Ora or will.i.am looked like turning around to signal their appreciation.
During the end of chorus lyrics:
‘Then like a sinner before the gates of Heaven / I’ll come crawling on back to you.’
he added ‘yiz miserable bastards’ before giving all four contestants, who still had their backs to Morgan, the finger. Just as the music subsided, he added:
“Will yiz turn round yiz horrible c**ts”
which was bleeped out by quick-thinking BBC technicians.
Morgan repeatedly muttered ‘yeah, yeah, yeah’ during each judge’s speech about why they didn’t turn around for the Cappagh man before launching a torrent of abuse on Tom Jones for his ‘knicker collection’. He was soon escorted off the premises by five burly security men.
The mid-Tyrone man was later spotted tampering with bolts on the chairs in order to make them permanently stuck, facing away from the contestants so that no one could go through to the next round.
Morgan famously was evicted from the Strictly Come Dancing studios two years ago after annoying an entire audience, at home and in the crowd, by shouting out his scores a millisecond before judges such as Len Goodman and Bruno Tonioli called theirs. Many celebrity contestants were left in tears, thinking they had scored a perfect 10 when it was really only a 5 or a 3.
Despite warnings by Derry priest Fr Colhoun, Edendork Hall yoga-class teacher Marty Hurson maintains he will continue with his yoga class which attracts 64 women and 2 men.
Earlier in the week, Fr Colhoun claimed too much yoga could leave you one step away from sacrificing goats and stuff but, despite this, Hurson expects to see even more people turning up tonight:
“He has probably done me a good turn. I’ve had loads of women and men coming up to me this this asking if the divil will make an appearance if they do the yoga well. I can’t make assurances but you’d never know. There are a quare few divils knocking about these parts.”
added a shifty-eyed Hurson as he walked off, laughing menacingly.
Yoga fanatic Maureen Brooks (39) from Coalisland made no bones about the recent controversy which threatens to see yoga overtake line-dancing as Tyrone’s favourite past time:
“Well, I’m not scared. I’ve been at the yoga since 2004 and never once have I seen a man with horns running around the hall. I’ve seen plenty of men turning up to look at us women stretching but that’s not the same thing. Nearly, but not the same.”
Edendork Parish Priest Fr Goodwin addressed the issue from his pulpit this morning and appeared to have a slightly different take on the practice from his colleague from Derry. Fr Goodwin, who courted controversy a decade ago when he was spotted jumping up and down celebrating at a cock-fight which was filmed for BBC, told his flock:
“I had someone in confessions this week who panicked after what Colhoun said and began her confession with ‘Bless me father for I have slimmed.’ Let me assure you ladies, keep at the yogaing. There’s no better sight than women in leotards meditating quietly. I’ll be there again tonight adding my support.”
Edendork Yoga Class is sold out until April 2017.
An Omagh cupboard fitter has issued a stark warning to UTV’s weatherman Frank Mitchell that he’ll ‘take his head clean off‘ if it doesn’t snow heavily over the next two days after forking out £12 on a new shovel and three small bags of road salt.
Pat McMahon (66), who was caught out three years ago by a heavy show shower and got soaked right through to his vest and pants despite many fore-warnings from BBC and UTV, maintains he could have spent the money on scratch cards or drink but didn’t want to be called names again after the last time.
“The local wags labelled me soaky-knickers and stuff like that after I got drenched in a blizzard whilst out daylight lamping with my pet labrador Bubbles. I didn’t heed Mitchell the last time but on this ocasion I’m ready for it. I’ll be annoyed now if it doesn’t come. In fact I’ll bust him if it doesn’t lay at least 7 cms. Head clean off with the shovel.”
Tensions are already high in Omagh regarding the same weatherman after he was accused of not trying hard enough to create a decent cryptic clue for the town during his ‘Where Was Our Weather Watching Camera?’ segment. For the 9th time in six years, Mitchell has told the viewers ‘what you say when your mother passes wind‘ whilst showing a picture of Omagh in the background, before excitedly answering ‘Oh, Ma!’ and laughing heartily to himself.
‘He’s not even trying now. That’s three times this year he has used that same cryptic clue. What about ‘it sounds like you’re in Armagh but not quite‘ or something deadly hard like that. Come on Frank – a bit of respect like.”
McMahon had reportedly still not used the shovel as of 7pm.
Following the news that Strabane is in the top 5 areas which swear most on Twitter, locals have reacted will a swelling of pride and have set about cashing in on their new-found fame.
Coming in just below Falkirk in Scotland, almost 7% of all tweets in Strabane contain a swear word with plans already underway to make the town the foul-mouthed capital of Europe. Lord Mayor John McElhinnion beamed the pride when he met the media this morning:
“Ah it’s f**kin great news. Strabane gets a bad press now and again but this news was a big two fingers up at all the haters, yiz shower of b@$t@rds. I can see us going from strength to strength now, starting with our plans to twin Strabane with Shyte Brook in Shropshire in England.”
McElhinnion unveiled the new Welcome To Strabane sign within hours of the news story appearing on the BBC website and vowed that this was only the beginning of big changes for the better in West Tyrone.
“We have plans to start a summer school in swearing where children earn scholarships to attend a week-long workshop in swearing and general bad mouthing. Local schools will also be asked to preserve the language we speak from primary one. There’ll be no f*@king slacking off now. Strike while the iron is hot.”
The Lord Mayor hopes the news will see a spike in tourism which currently stands at 55 visitors per year.
Meanwhile Donaghmore finished bottom of the table with no one yet to swear online from the village although one Twitter user did use ‘frig’ after Armagh defeated Tyrone in the championship.
Derrylaughan, Derrytresk, Brocagh and Clonoe have issued a joint statement asking for Clonoe Parish residents to stop watching UTV until Frank Mitchell features one of them in his weather watching camera segment.
The segment, which occurs at the end of the 6pm News, sees Mitchell give an almost impossible obscure cryptic clue to accompany a photo of somewhere in Ulster. Examples this week have been: ‘tired of donating to charity’ (DUNGIVEN), ‘American money’ (KESH) and ‘what you do in school’ (LARNE).
Spokesman for the parish and Fermanagh native Duckie Bogue defended their stance:
“Let’s be clear about this. Mitchell is acting the bollocks here. He has featured Coalisland SEVEN times in his bit. Seven times! Like how often can he come up with clues about coal and an island? He’s rubbing our faces in it and he knows it.”
Bogue went on to declare Clonoe Parish as a Frank Mitchell-free zone and warned the radio presenter that he’d be burned out of it if he’s spotted anywhere near East Tyrone.
“It’s not as if Derrylaughan or Brocagh are particularly hard to create clues for. I can’t think of any right now myself but sure I’m not paid to. He’s meant to be the wordy genius. We exist, Frank, we exist.”
Meanwhile, Mitchell has been accused by viewers of not even trying any more after putting up his 15th picture of Greencastle and stating ‘It’s a castle that might be green‘. Avid watcher and former Armagh footballer Jarlie Byrnes ranted:
“if he’s not going to make the effort any more I’m turning over to the BBC slightly early to prepare to watch the local news again”.
A beleaguered Chinese family, who fled East Belfast after racial intimidation to settle in Ardboe, have been urged to return to the loughshore resort after a mix-up in accent saw them up roots for the second time in a month after one day in their new home.
Martin Tsang and his family received universal support after they highlighted the racial discrimination taking place in Knocknagoney in Belfast before deciding to settle in Ardboe, a move warmly welcomed by Lord Mayor of Ardboe Francie Forbes.
Tsang, however, was not impressed by Forbes’ welcome on that sunny morning:
“We got out of the car on the Ardboe Road only to be met by Forbes who said ‘there’s quare hate in Ardboe here today’ and he was smiling from ear to ear and winking. Sure we didn’t know he was talking about the heat. Then another man walked past with a fishing rod and said ‘Jaysus the hate will kill you today’. We were in a state of shock.”
The Tsangs persevered and drove up to their house only to be met by the postman looking up at the sun and who uttered ‘We haven’t had hate like this in Ardboe all year. I love the oul hate though. Can’t get enough of it. I suppose youse would be used to the hate now’.
The Tsangs immediately reversed out and set out for BBC studios only to be told of the accent variations along the loughshore.
Meanwhile, Lord Mayor Forbes has urged all schools in the area to work on contentious accent pronunciations, with all P1 teachers told to use the word heat as if rhymed with feet. When told that feet is pronounced fate in the area, the mayor just shook his head.
The much-anticipated ‘Masterchef Tyrone’ has been shelved after only three episodes when presenters John Torode and Gregg Wallace refused to taste one more bite from the county’s hopeful culinary candidates.
The new regional series which saw contestants from Strabane, Killyclogher, Brackaville and Cookstown will now not air as promised and has instead been cut up and edited for special episodes of blooper shows such as You’ve Been Framed and It’ll Be Alright On The Night.
Camerawoman on the set and former Miss Castlecaulfield 1988 Jenny Robinson explained the decision:
“I agreed with the presenters. The stuff was inedible. In the third series they were asked to make their signature dish and yer man from Strabane opened an old tin of corned beef, didn’t scrape off the fat, and stuck it between two lumps of soda bread smothered in butter. He added a few bits of grass for effect around the plate and told the two experts to ‘get yer gob around that’. Gregg Wallace, who has an enormous appetite, threw up on the first chew.”
Brackaville man Mick Rea was disgusted at the hasty decision:
“This is nearly a form of racism. Just because they don’t like our food they pull the plug. For my signature I made sausages inside a coat of bacon, smothered in a drippy but lightly fried egg with lashing of salt. As a side dish I chopped up some Love Hearts and melted a Snickers to give the plate a chocolatty sophisticated design. If I made that in Brackaville I’d be kicked around the golf course for being a snobby oul hoor. But not good enough for these two BBC lads. Discrimination.”
BBC defended the decision after revealing their two presenters were suffering from severe stomach cramps from the previous episode when Killyclogher’s Jennifer Grugan surprised the experts by misreading ‘crab pie’ as ‘crap pie’. That episode has been destroyed.
Following the uproar and public apology over Joe Brolly’s comments on Rachel Wyse’s appointment as the Sky Sports GAA presenter, the Dungiven man is to prove he has turned over a new leaf by staring in a 3-part action drama on the shores of Lough Neagh.
Brolly will play Butch Colcannon, a lifeguard stationed down at the Washingbay in East Tyrone, who makes sure stray female bathers don’t get caught up in weeds or strangled by eels from the Sargasso Sea.
The show’s PR agent Danny Donnelly is sure that this mini-series will shunt Brolly back into everyone’s good books:
“Joe really wants to prove to the Irish audience that he’s a dead-on guy. His appearance as Butch Colcannon will win back the hearts of the housewife and the respect of the husband. Joe has already been receiving expert training from American navy seals and can now comfortably diffuse an underwater bomb designed to obliterate a shoal of whales who accidentally swim up the Bann. That sort of gives away the second episode but I just wanted to highlight how serious he is taking this.”
Butch’s love interest, a hairdresser from Brackaville who rekindles a friendship they had when a young Butch used to throw stones with her at the Brits in the village whilst holidaying there in the early 70s, is to be played by Miss Edendork 1988 Jackie Mallon who also holds a 20m swimming badge from Dungannon Leisure Centre.
“Joe will come across as someone who is accepting of women in powerful jobs, homosexuality, ethnic minorities, the Cavanaghs, cats, the Chinese, Bellaghy ones, Jews, transvestites, leprechauns, county music, the DUP, bald people, soccer fans and many others in the three episodes. It’ll be what the doctor ordered.”
Episode one of Washingbaywatch will be filmed at the shore this weekend. See BBC Traffic Watch for road closures.
Documents obtained by Tyrone Tribulations reveal the efforts being undertaken by Dungannon South & Tyrone Council to get ensure the county gets plenty of coverage on the new television channel, Irish TV, which was launched last year.
The confidential paper outlines some programme ideas and their content which was brainstormed by senior councillors, many of which will apparently go into a final proposal to be submitted to Irish TV. Some of those ideas include the following: –
Mr Black’s Girls
A sitcom about a loud, nosy, foul-mouthed Irish patriarch and his family which is filmed in front of a live studio audience. Contains faintly humorous dialogue miraculously turned into hilarious comedy gold by the adding of ‘feck’, ‘fecking’ or ‘fecked’ to every other line.
Dancing on Ice
Tyrone’s version of the BBC’s Dancing on Ice, but filmed outdoors instead of inside. Celebrities from around the county skate on a permanent field of ice whilst battling sub-zero temperatures, howling winds and freezing rain, in the middle of summer. To be filmed at the Garvaghey Complex.
Lynette Fay, presenting Country Afternoon in a bright red bathing suit, whilst being chatted up by David Hasselhoff wearing badly-fitting swim shorts, standing on top of the Berlin Wall.
Following the success of BBC2’s Lambing Live in March, Dogging Live follows poodles, Labradors and Alsatians as they go about their nightly duties. Filmed by middle-aged men in a poorly lit car park near Strabane after midnight.
Priests Say The Funniest Things
Some of the funniest lines by Tyrone’s parish priests caught on camera, including side-splitting communions, hilarious funerals, month’s mind bloopers, and secretly-recorded confessions by Tyrone’s faithful.
Wild About Tyrone
A wildlife programme, this half-hour special will feature the indigenous but rarely seen strange and exotic creatures of Tyrone, including grass snakes, pollen fish, and Coalisland traffic wardens.
PJ and Hugo Duncan
PJ and Hugo Duncan re-live their 90s classic hit, ‘Let’s Get Ready To Skiddly Dee’ which got to number 16 in the Strabane pop charts in 1986. Performed in front of a disapproving Simon Cowell.
Dances with Wolves
A movie about the perils of drinking far too much at Sense nightclub in the Glenavon Hotel, where a combination of pounding music, the smoke machine, alcohol, and desperation, leads to poor partner-selection on the dance floor. Followed by Gorillas in the Mist.
A minor BBC production company has issued an apology to the whole of County Tyrone as well as the Buddhist community after they concluded a religious documentary by stating that Buddhism was now the dominant faith practised in the area.
BBC4’s Faith In Ireland series concluded yesterday with a tour of Ulster, visiting Strabane, Carrickmore and Ardboe and observing local traditions and faith development from a distance. Narrated by Prince Charles, the programme-makers ended with the declaration that ‘Buddhism is now the most practised faith in Tyrone, relegating Christianity to the dark ages‘.
Producer Ken Barlowe explained the error:
“It was an honest mistake. We were driving about the countryside and witnessed loads of bald men carrying a bit of weight just sitting on stone walls or fences doing nothing but staring into the distance and nodding every few minutes. We just thought it was some form of enlightened status they had reached. We didn’t know that baldness was rife in the county and with the men being fond of cream buns and fries, they looked like dead ringers for the small Buddha figures you’d see in Chinese restaurants.”
Barlowe also apologised to the Buddhist faith after research confirmed the little bald figure had little or nothing to do with the original Buddha. When pushed on how the apology will be offered, he angrily added:
“Listen, we’ve apologised already, OK? We saw priests shouting at the bald men so assumed the clergy were scolding them regarding their lapses. Anyway, in Clonoe we saw around 120 bald men with a couple of extra pounds around their waist just sitting in hedges and against walls, staring at cars going past. Have these people nothing to do? Might as well take up the Buddhism I say.”
Barlowe later apologised for the above quote, reminding viewers that there was much more to Buddhism than sitting in hedges staring at cars and that baldness was not a requisite to practise the faith.
The BBC confirmed this morning that they have decided not air an episode of Antiques Roadshow due to the ‘staggering amounts of garbage’ that people produced.
Producers of the show, which was based on a field just outside Trillick, were said to have become exasperated at some of the articles presented by locals for valuation, which included: a half-used tube of Peter Canavan’s hair gel from 1982; a digital clock that the owner insisted was from the Tudor period; a Tyrone GAA air freshener; a parking ticket issued in Coalisland High Street, believed to the only one of its kind in existence.
Presenter Fiona Bruce was reported to have said,
“I don’t mean to be rude or disrespectful to the wonderful people of Tyrone, but the stuff they brought in was shit. It was like some of them had just rummaged around in the back of the cupboard to see what they could find just so they could get on the BBC.”
This was hotly disputed by local organiser Terence Kerr, who fumed,
“How dare she accuse us of that sort of behaviour just to get on telly? It might be junk to them but it’s priceless to us. I myself have a genuine St Brigid’s cross made by none other St Patrick himself when he was passing through Carnteel in the sixth century, one of only four originals he made. Of course it’s of enormous sentimental value to me and I would never even think of parting with it. Not for less than twenty quid at any rate”.
Another attendee, 54-year old Bernie Duggan from Annaghmore, argued,
“To be honest, I just had a wee rummage in the back of the cupboard to see what I could find, so’s I could maybe get on the TV. And to my surprise I discovered what I’m sure is an un-released recording of Hugo Duncan doing a cover version of Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’ when he was letting his hair down one night in Kelly’s Bar in 1978. I’ve no idea how it got there, but it’s got to be worth a few quid”.
The show was abandoned after five hours, when the most expensive item valued was a packet of Opal Fruits, circa 1982, still in its original wrapping, which was valued at 50 pence.
Facebook status updates regarding weather conditions have resulted in two prominent celebrity weathermen becoming worryingly disgruntled and fearful for their profession. Both UTV and BBC bosses have issued a public apology for all those affected by the recent projected weather forecast job cuts and promise to move Frank Mitchell and Barra Best sidewards into presenting ‘animal or motorbike shows or something’.
The decision has left over 150 people potentially out of work, including the woman who shines Barra Best’s head five minutes before going on air. Many others within the meteorological industry are worried about their future after it was decided that neither company really required the service any further. Both stations believe Facebook status updates are to blame for the devaluing of the traditional end-of-bulletin weather news.
Linda Hoey, head of BBC Weather, issued the following statement via Facebook this morning:
“We are extremely sorry but sadly there is no demand for weather forecasts in 2014. It seems Facebook has taken over in regards predicting immediate weather patterns. Last week, I counted nine status updates in the space of half an hour from the same woman in Cookstown, each one informing me of the chances of rain and whether it’ll be a cold one tonight or not. How can the BBC compete with that?”
Sally Eastwood, the Tyrone woman in question, refused to accept accountability for the job losses:
“Aye, dead on. Best and Mitchell are just caught out. Just because they have deadly posh accents means people thought they were weather gods. Well, Facebook and Twitter have turned the tables on them boys. Anyway, when was the last time Mitchell had Cookstown as his weather watching camera? He had Charlemont the last day. Charlemont, like?”
Four hours after the decision, UTV’s weatherman and all-round celebrity Frank Mitchell was spotted semi-naked around the Ormeau Park area in Belfast in a mildly-excited state. Police later fired a tranquiliser dart and captured the disgruntled Down man, who is reported to have exclaimed, “Sack me? Sack me? I’m Frank Mitchell! I made the UTV!”
Tyrone Tribulations can exclusively reveal that the queue for Garth Brooks tickets in Dungannon has set off a county-wide queuing addiction encompassing all manner of entertainment, in the hope of making it onto the news.
Our west Tyrone reporter Jasmine Cat revealed the extent of the phenomenon around the Strabane area:
“As we speak there is a queue of about 4o pensioners outside the front door at Strabane Parish Church for Sunday’s Mass at 10am, four days away. Fr Bollan is seen as someone who says a good quick mass and numbers are limited. Missing out means attending the noon Mass and it usually lasts the guts of an hour. There’s also a good size queue for the Strabane Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender drama night on Friday the 14th. That’s a quare wait for them; the majority are married farmers who just want to attend anything that might be free and for the chance of getting on TV.”
In the east of the county we have reports of large queues forming already outside the bru office in Dungannon for Monday’s payouts as well as for the bus at Quinn’s Coach Hire in Ardboe for the Derry game on Saturday night.
Ardboe Cross committee member reckons their queue is the most unusual:
“This queuing craic has to stop. There’s a queue of 200 for the Ardboe Cross even though it’s permanently open. No one is budging past the entrance gate. They’re just waiting til UTV or BBC get here. Sure not even the Mid-Ulster Herald are interested.”
Meanwhile a mile-long queue in a field in Ballygawley has finally dispersed after three days with no one quite clear what they were queuing for.