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Craigavon To Get Three More Roundabouts To Qualify As World Heritage Site

Swindon3

Craigavon last Sunday

Tyrone Tourism Chairman Conleth Mackle has described as ‘cynically dangerous’ the decision to award Craigavon three more roundabouts, bringing their total to 20 which enables the area to become Ireland’s 4th National Heritage Site and Ulster’s second after the Giant’s Causeway.

The settlement in north Armagh, constructed in 1965, will qualify for the accolade by UNESCO under a number of categories:

  • “represents a masterpiece of human creative genius and cultural significance”
  • “exhibits an important interchange of human values, over a span of time, or within a cultural area of the world, on developments in architecture or technology, monumental arts, town-planning, or landscape design”
  • “is directly or tangibly associated with events or living traditions, with ideas, or with beliefs, with artistic and literary works of outstanding universal significance”

Mackle remained unconvinced:

“This is Arlene Foster at her work again. Tyrone has the crosses at Ardboe and Donaghmore but she’d rather see a Tricolour over City Hall than Tyrone get a World Heritage Site. It’s a cynical decision to build three more roundabouts at Craigavon. Masterpiece of human creative genius my arse. I’ve had better ideas after a night out in Tomneys. “

Mackle also believes the decision was not put through a vigorous risk assessment plan:

“Every week we hear of families stuck on those roundabouts for over 4 hours. It’s a long-lasting traumatic experience for children and now they’re throwing three more on. This’ll see off many elderly Sunday drivers who’ll maybe have heart or incontinence issues, many of whom will never be seen again once lost in that labyrinth of roundabouts.”

Meanwhile, Derrytresk’s application to become a World Heritage Site failed after the flooding dried up during the inspection process, revealing hoses with running water left by locals hoping for a big grant by UNESCO.

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Scientists Sceptical Over Authenticity of Leaning Cross Of Ardboe

The Leaning Cross of Ardboe.

The Leaning Cross of Ardboe (formerly The Ardboe Cross)

Several scientists arrived in Ardboe this morning to verify that an unusually powerful earthquake caused the famous Ardboe Cross to lean 11 degrees to its left, resulting in a surge of visitors to the historical site.

The Ardboe Heritage Society (AHS) claim that a localised earthquake struck Ardboe last week, measuring 4.4 on their homemade Richter scale, making it the worst earthquake in Ireland since 2888 BC. Despite no one reporting any shaking or noise in the area, the AHS maintained it was so localised that it occurred directly under the Cross, causing it to slant slightly to the side, making it a place of religious, historical and now geological interest. Since the quake, a fee of £10 must be paid by visitors to the Cross.

Professor Pat Brogan remains unconvinced:

“I can see that it’s bent alright but what caused it is a bit of a mystery. There are no fault lines in Ardboe so it’s highly unlikely to experience any earth movement. After a series of tests, I believe that someone simply leaned against it and now they’re making a lot of money out of it. I saw 300 Chinese tourists at it this morning. That’s £3000 in one go. Crooks.”

AHS chairman John John Quinn is disappointed at Prof. Brogan’s findings:

“Ghost oh boys. Sure how could a man move that by leaning against it. It was definitely an earthquake. My son got a B in his GCSE in Geography there and sure he knows what he’s talking about and he says it was a quake alright. Sure the eels have been behaving queerly since that night, like as if they’re nervous or something.”

Quinn added that it’s only £9 for anyone under 16 to see newly named Leaning Cross of Ardboe.

Jon Snow Didn’t Think Tyrone Was Deadly Either

Snow, swallowing midges in Ardboe

Snow, swallowing midges in Ardboe

A fictional character from the violent TV series Game of Thrones has cut loose on County Tyrone, labelling it as ‘middlin enough’.

Jon Snow, who accused the Belfast Tourism Board of focusing on depressing landmarks as promotional material, toured Tyrone in a campervan at the weekend but vowed never to return until ‘the winter hounds take their rightful place as lordships of Macabreland’ or something like that. We also believe he didn’t like the midges.

On visiting the Ardboe Cross, Snow looked unimpressed and tried to spear a dog owned by gravedigger Malachy Quinn, turning to a group of children and said:

“First lesson: stick ’em with the pointy end. I am a bastard from the North. I never met my mother. My father wouldn’t even tell me her name. I don’t know if she’s living or dead. I don’t know if she’s a noblewoman or a fisherman’s wife… or a whore.”

Fortunately, an avid fan of the show who was also staring at the cross explained to the children that Snow was just practising lines from his next episode.

Snow also visited The Ulster American Folk Park and was equally underwhelmed.

“It’s just a load of houses. Do you know what it takes to unite ninety clans, half of whom want to massacre the other half for one insult or another? They speak seven different languages in my army. The Thenns hate the Hornfoots. The Hornfoots hate the ice-river clans. Everyone hates the cave people. So, you know how I got moon-worshippers and cannibals and giants to march together in the same army?”

Snow returned to the east of the county only to swallow a pile of midges whilst licking on an ice-cream bought at Brocagh Fair.

Meanwhile, the NI Tourism Board have asked people to stop sending abusive messages to John Snow the Channel 4 news presenter as he’s a completely different person who happens to love pastie baps and white water rafting in Lough Neagh.

Dyslexic Ardboe Man Files Law Suit Against ADOBE© For Libel

old-man-laughingby Aughoughilley Schniffles

A 64 year old dyslexia sufferer from the sleepy hollow of Ardboe, County Tyrone, has tasked lawyers to take legal action against pdf giant Adobe©, for his misinterpretation of the wording “Adobe reader” on a billboard in the area, which he alleges reads ‘Ardboe reader’ and has been construed as a personal jibe at his poor literacy skills.

The pensioner, from Ardboe, which translates from Gaeilge as “tall cow”, says he believes that the company have been taunting him personally over his dyslexia ‘by going on about this Ardboe reader stuff‘ and could not be convinced otherwise.

Mr Rab Fee, or ‘Bra’ as he is known locally, says he understands “Not waan hate” (a term which locally describes a scant knowledge of a subject) of Adobe’s advertising campaign.

In a preliminary court hearing at Cookstown district court recently, Mr Fee stated that he believed ‘pdf’ referred to a paramilitary grouping and accused them of utilizing ‘intimidation tactics’ towards him personally, due to his dyslexia.

Fee, when pressed, has admitted that he once mistook a sign for the local lake – Lough Neagh – as ‘low knees’, referring to him being short in stature at all of 5 feet 4 inches tall, and believed it was placed there by the same individual or group of individuals.

Mr Fee also reportedly confused the sign post for the local Battery Bar as a sign for a burger van, and stood outside the closed bar for 12 hours last December.

When interviewed in depth and asked about his thoughts regarding the beauty of the locality, including questions on the Ardboe cross, he replied,

“Cross? Of course I’m cross, I’m feckin’ raging – you would be too if you thought people were talking behind your back and pushing you around…”

Tyrone Tribulations did not want to point out that this statement held a lot of truths, as he is currently in a wheelchair with mobility aid from a talkative relative.

Local Catholic clergy issued a statement on the matter, stating:

 ‘Away and leave the poor man alone, sure he knows no better. Why don’t you go tackle the banker or the politician? They are the real bolloxes in all of this’.

A spokesman for Adobe was unavailable for comment, however it is thought that it will not deter the company’s advertising in any way.

‘Scundered’ Parents Made Children Queue Outside School For Four Days Before Opening

Jack Davidson, four days before doors open.

Jack Davidson, four days before doors open.

Several parents in Brocagh have admitted they were at the end of their tether with the summer holidays after it emerged they made their children camp outside the gates of their local primary school since Monday for the opening today.

News of the extreme measures emerged after teachers arrived at St Jacob’s this morning to be met with 13 tents and conditions described like ‘a Glastonbury Festival for Toddlers’ with sweet wrappers and bottles of mineral strewn across the school hedges.

Headmaster Hughes admitted that this year seemed to be worse than others:

“In previous years we’d have had parents sending pupils maybe two days early and telling them to walk ‘deadly slow’ to school. But this year, what with the bad weather and nothing on the TV, they seem to have shipped the children out a lot earlier. They even set up Portaloos and soup kitchens which I suppose shows how thoughtful and caring parents are around these parts.”

Mother Hillary Carney revealed she felt no guilt and argued it will make a man of her son Tommy:

“We were scundered by the time August had arrived. After the boys exited the championship, the weekends were fairly bleak. Last week we took the children to look at the Old Cross at Ardboe in the pouring rain for the 3rd time in a month. Listen, it’ll toughen them up. Four days in the Brocagh wilderness, fighting the elements and wild badgers can bring a 6-year old on leaps and bounds.”

Meanwhile, Master Hughes revealed they will be bringing back Latin, slapping, sums, Greek classics, sewing, dominoes, shouting and going to the toilet in a tin bucket in order to ‘instil a bit of old-fashioned discipline in society around the lough shore’.

 

Parishioners Queuing Already For Sunday Mass In Strabane

Queue for bus in Ardboe

Queue for bus in Ardboe

Tyrone Tribulations can exclusively reveal that the queue for Garth Brooks tickets in Dungannon has set off a county-wide queuing addiction encompassing all manner of entertainment, in the hope of making it onto the news.

Our west Tyrone reporter Jasmine Cat revealed the extent of the phenomenon around the Strabane area:

“As we speak there is a queue of about 4o pensioners outside the front door at Strabane Parish Church for Sunday’s Mass at 10am, four days away. Fr Bollan is seen as someone who says a good quick mass and numbers are limited. Missing out means attending the noon Mass and it usually lasts the guts of an hour. There’s also a good size queue for the Strabane Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender drama night on Friday the 14th. That’s a quare wait for them; the majority are married farmers who just want to attend anything that might be free and for the chance of getting on TV.”

In the east of the county we have reports of large queues forming already outside the bru office in Dungannon for Monday’s payouts as well as for the bus at Quinn’s Coach Hire in Ardboe for the Derry game on Saturday night.

Ardboe Cross committee member reckons their queue is the most unusual:

“This queuing craic has to stop. There’s a queue of 200 for the Ardboe Cross even though it’s permanently open. No one is budging past the entrance gate. They’re just waiting til UTV or BBC get here. Sure not even the Mid-Ulster Herald are interested.”

Meanwhile a mile-long queue in a field in Ballygawley has finally dispersed after three days with no one quite clear what they were queuing for.

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