A Fermanagh and South Tyrone Independent candidate who promised to get rid of all the snakes in the constituency and secure free Sudocrem Antiseptic Healing Cream for everyone over 60 has reacted angrily to the news that he received only four votes – that of himself, his wife and only two of his four voting children.
The constituency, which saw a close fight between Michelle Gildernew and Tom Elliot, was one of the few areas which allowed all candidates to make a speech after the result, and Paddy Kelly took the opportunity to berate everyone in the counties of Fermanagh and Tyrone cursing them for the next 100 years in Latin.
Kelly, from Benburb, began his speech thanking other candidates for a clean campaign before turning on the voters:
“It was a fair fight and congratulations to Mr Elliot. However, I’ve something to tell the people of Fermanagh and South Tyrone. F**k yiz all. Yiz must be happy with the snakes and the itchy arses. I’d have cleaned all that up for yiz but yiz just see Orange and Green. And to the two of my own children who didn’t vote for me….let’s just say there’ll be a change to the Will on Monday morning.”
Mr Kelly closed his eyes, held his hands up the the heavens and exclaimed:
“Es mundus excrementi”
which means “You are all a pile of shite” before cursing the area with bad weather and vicious snakes for the next 100 summers.
Meanwhile Tom Elliot and Michelle Gildernew were spotted heading into a luxurious restaurant together in Dungannon laughing and joking although one punter snapped a photo of Gildernew rolling her eyes after Elliot told a simple joke she’d heard before. The traditional meal between first and second in the area was first thought of when Francie Molloy offered to buy Ken Maginnis a steak in 1992.
Several parents in Brocagh have admitted they were at the end of their tether with the summer holidays after it emerged they made their children camp outside the gates of their local primary school since Monday for the opening today.
News of the extreme measures emerged after teachers arrived at St Jacob’s this morning to be met with 13 tents and conditions described like ‘a Glastonbury Festival for Toddlers’ with sweet wrappers and bottles of mineral strewn across the school hedges.
Headmaster Hughes admitted that this year seemed to be worse than others:
“In previous years we’d have had parents sending pupils maybe two days early and telling them to walk ‘deadly slow’ to school. But this year, what with the bad weather and nothing on the TV, they seem to have shipped the children out a lot earlier. They even set up Portaloos and soup kitchens which I suppose shows how thoughtful and caring parents are around these parts.”
Mother Hillary Carney revealed she felt no guilt and argued it will make a man of her son Tommy:
“We were scundered by the time August had arrived. After the boys exited the championship, the weekends were fairly bleak. Last week we took the children to look at the Old Cross at Ardboe in the pouring rain for the 3rd time in a month. Listen, it’ll toughen them up. Four days in the Brocagh wilderness, fighting the elements and wild badgers can bring a 6-year old on leaps and bounds.”
Meanwhile, Master Hughes revealed they will be bringing back Latin, slapping, sums, Greek classics, sewing, dominoes, shouting and going to the toilet in a tin bucket in order to ‘instil a bit of old-fashioned discipline in society around the lough shore’.
All roads lead to Greencastle this weekend in what is sure to be one of the biggest bargain days of the calendar year at the foothills of the Sperrins. Car merchant and general wheeler and dealer, Diarmuid Donnelly, has promised to put an entire fleet of FSOs, the famous Polish car manufacturer, up for sale at half price following a fatal error in translation yesterday morning. Donnelly, who famously sold a decrepit Lada to the Vatican in 1986, stands to lose thousands of pounds on the transaction but feels he has little other option.
“Some handlin. I left our blade to do the bartering as she has an O Level in Latin in 1977. Last time I do that. I’d my eye on the Fabryka Samochodów Osobowych (FSO) motors for a long time now as they’re the type of cars that would look well on the roads around Greencastle. I ordered, or well Deirdre did, 100 of them in all kinds of colours. They arrived within hours on a boat from Poland. I nearly choked when I saw they were all left-hand drive. 100 left-hand drive FSOs! When I phoned up the Poles they were unrepentant, claiming that we didn’t stipulate it was Greencastle Co Tyrone, not Greencastle Co Donegal. I was still a bit confused but they put the phone down and I wasn’t paying for another phonecall. I’m in enough debt.”
The FSOs will sell at £3000 tomorrow in his big field, with first come first serve. Donnelly is expecting a quickfire sale:
“Hotcakes at that price. Fair enough the left-hand driving will be a bit of a bollox initially but I’ve asked the council if it’s OK to drive on whatever side of the road we want, maybe on the left at the weekends or something at that. The new roundabout planned for the top of the village can be driven around anti-clockwise and the other one at the bottom can be approached either clockwise or anti. I can’t see many problems, well no worse that the current standard of motoring around here.”
Gate opens at 7am.