A Fermanagh and South Tyrone Independent candidate who promised to get rid of all the snakes in the constituency and secure free Sudocrem Antiseptic Healing Cream for everyone over 60 has reacted angrily to the news that he received only four votes – that of himself, his wife and only two of his four voting children.
The constituency, which saw a close fight between Michelle Gildernew and Tom Elliot, was one of the few areas which allowed all candidates to make a speech after the result, and Paddy Kelly took the opportunity to berate everyone in the counties of Fermanagh and Tyrone cursing them for the next 100 years in Latin.
Kelly, from Benburb, began his speech thanking other candidates for a clean campaign before turning on the voters:
“It was a fair fight and congratulations to Mr Elliot. However, I’ve something to tell the people of Fermanagh and South Tyrone. F**k yiz all. Yiz must be happy with the snakes and the itchy arses. I’d have cleaned all that up for yiz but yiz just see Orange and Green. And to the two of my own children who didn’t vote for me….let’s just say there’ll be a change to the Will on Monday morning.”
Mr Kelly closed his eyes, held his hands up the the heavens and exclaimed:
“Es mundus excrementi”
which means “You are all a pile of shite” before cursing the area with bad weather and vicious snakes for the next 100 summers.
Meanwhile Tom Elliot and Michelle Gildernew were spotted heading into a luxurious restaurant together in Dungannon laughing and joking although one punter snapped a photo of Gildernew rolling her eyes after Elliot told a simple joke she’d heard before. The traditional meal between first and second in the area was first thought of when Francie Molloy offered to buy Ken Maginnis a steak in 1992.
A well known Coalisland journalist has returned to his home-place after a traumatic weekend in London in which he was given beans every morning all over his fry. Ronnie Cherry, who also confirmed the existence of Buckingham Palace and Downing Street, says he’ll not return any time soon.
“Some shower them Londoners. I got off the plane and went into the first cafe I saw and ordered the all-day fry. The man arrived down and sure weren’t there banes threw all over it. I says to your boy I asked for a fry and he says ‘that is one, init’. It was some shock to the system. I started missing The ‘Island already. I then asked him for some tay and he brought out this vietnamese soup concoction. I was nearly in tears with homesickness and I’d only been there 45 minutes”.
Cherry later attended a soccer game in the city which added to the confusing nature of the weekend break.
“I hadn’t a clue who was playing – Arsenholes and Vanilla or something – but sure they don’t know the rules at all. No 45s, only 2 lads on the field knew to use their hands, no reward for points. I got thrown out near the end for cheering any points the Arsenholes did score. Just deadly confusing.”
After instructing the waitress not to use beans the following morning, Ronnie’s worst nightmare occurred:
“I said to her ‘no banes’ and she just looked blankly at me. It’s like it is an impossible thing to do over there as she returned with the whole plate dripping in banes. I let rip at her and accused her of all sorts of racism before I was ushered off the premises”.
Cherry did confirm that all those landmarks you’d see on TV like the Thames, police men with hats, double decker buses and the House of Commons actually do exist.
“aye, we were wrong about that. We’d long believed the English made those places up to make them sound rich and all. I’d dare say the Queen is real too”
Cherry brought home 5000 sticks of rock for everyone in the town.