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Fermanagh/South Tyrone Independent Candidate Says ‘F**k Yiz All’ After Receiving 4 Votes

No free cream for Tyrone

No free cream for Tyrone

A Fermanagh and South Tyrone Independent candidate who promised to get rid of all the snakes in the constituency and secure free Sudocrem Antiseptic Healing Cream for everyone over 60 has reacted angrily to the news that he received only four votes – that of himself, his wife and only two of his four voting children.

The constituency, which saw a close fight between Michelle Gildernew and Tom Elliot, was one of the few areas which allowed all candidates to make a speech after the result, and Paddy Kelly took the opportunity to berate everyone in the counties of Fermanagh and Tyrone cursing them for the next 100 years in Latin.

Kelly, from Benburb, began his speech thanking other candidates for a clean campaign before turning on the voters:

“It was a fair fight and congratulations to Mr Elliot. However, I’ve something to tell the people of Fermanagh and South Tyrone. F**k yiz all. Yiz must be happy with the snakes and the itchy arses. I’d have cleaned all that up for yiz but yiz just see Orange and Green. And to the two of my own children who didn’t vote for me….let’s just say there’ll be a change to the Will on Monday morning.”

Mr Kelly closed his eyes, held his hands up the the heavens and exclaimed:

“Es mundus excrementi”

which means “You are all a pile of shite” before cursing the area with bad weather and vicious snakes for the next 100 summers.

Meanwhile Tom Elliot and Michelle Gildernew were spotted heading into a luxurious restaurant together in Dungannon laughing and joking although one punter snapped a photo of Gildernew rolling her eyes after Elliot told a simple joke she’d heard before. The traditional meal between first and second in the area was first thought of when Francie Molloy offered to buy Ken Maginnis a steak in 1992.

Accusations Of ‘Inside Job’ As Gerry Adams Finishes Second At Carrickmore Naked Trampolining Competition

Adams, after announcement

Adams, after announcement

A Pomeroy naked trampolinist has had his winner’s cheque withheld after the Carrickmore judge was accused of being a great friend of the winner, whose jumping was described as ‘not that deadly’ by the strong Sinn Fein contingent supporting their party leader Gerry Adams.

Adams, who invented naked trampolining in 2012 and currently holds the Irish, British and Commonwealth titles in the sport, was expected to romp to victory at the Carrickmore event which featured many well known locals including Malachi Cush, Ciaran McClean, Plunkett Donaghy, Michelle Gildernew, Tom Elliot and Lynette Fay. The competition was won by Pomeroy lawyer Jack Kavanagh and adjudicated by Carrickmore veteran Patsy Gormley.

Over £40 was raised for a new coat of paint for the gable wall on the way into the village.

Spectator and naked trampolining enthusiast Deckie Bogue, a Fermanagh journalist and bare-chested midnight-lamping champion, announced his shock at the blatant skulduggery on display:

“Adams was by far the best naked trampolinist there today. He glided gracefully in the cold Carrickmore mist, his twisted torso a sight to behold. Gildernew and Donaghy were good at maintaining a straight back whilst Cush was perhaps hindered what God gave him in abundance as it was flapping all over the place and distracting everyone. But Kavanagh was middlin to say the least. This was a backhander job.”

The SF contingent booed heavily after the decision was announced and burst into a rendition of ‘Something Inside So Strong’. A despondent Adams, who lost his first competition since a defeat in 2013 in East Belfast, tried to remain philosophical after the defeat:

“I’m not going to accuse the Carrickmore/Pomeroy lads of anything. The reality of the situation is if you come to a place like this, you need to jump higher and better as there’s always a chance there’ll be a home-town decision. But I’ll be back. I haven’t gone away y’know. I’m just glad I bate Tom Elliot.”

Winner Kavanagh and judge Gormley were later seen laughing and joking outside the SDLP offices.

Lynette Fay was judged best newcomer after her maiden performance but has been warned about her risky tattoos for future outings.

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