Monthly Archives: April 2014

Pope Sneaks In Sainthood For Brian Dooher

brian-dooher-and-john-mcdermott-1996-2-630x468 copyPope Francis sprung a surprise on Sunday after he slipped in the canonisation of Brian Dooher at the last minute towards the end of the high-profile celebration for the declaration of sainthoods for Pope John Paul II and Pope John XXIII.

800’000 pilgrims were left confused after the current pontiff, before wrapping up the mass, said something under his breath about a third sainthood before pretending to cough and then making a joke about Italian women.

This morning, Vatican officials finally confirmed that Francis had canonised a vet from Donemana who goes by the name of Dooher:

“Yes, Brian Dooher becomes the fastest tracked saint ever what with his plentiful miracles in the white jersey of his county. We researched this thoroughly and the point he scored against Kerry in 2008 was from the boot of a god. We normally wait for years after they’re dead but Dooher was a special case. He has been sent the certificate anyway so that’s that.”

Pope Francis was worried about the reaction to the news especially as Mother Teresa has yet to receive the honour, deciding to slip it in with a well-timed cough and outrageous joke about local female ‘pastatutes’ in the red-light districts. A Mother Teresa supporter from Poland fumed:

“It was a dirty trick alright with the fake cough. Then the joke but he’s a bit of a slagger anyway so we didn’t bat an eyelid at that. If this Dooher boy was any good then why are his club Clann na nGael in the junior division?”

Ballygawley held a vigil on Sunday night in protest at the canonisation after they revealed a petition to have Peter Canavan made a saint in 2005 was dismissed by the Vatican back then as ‘pure mad’.

Clonoe GAC Youth Policy “A Clean Disgrace”

By Aughoughilley Schnifflesold-man-laughing

Clonoe lad yesterday

Clonoe cub yesterday

Damian Cassidy has been blasted by Coalisland na Fianna players and supporters as “a clean disgrace” following reports that he has placed all male children in Clonoe over the age of 2 and a half years old on a unique ‘Rahilly cubs’ strength and conditioning program.

It is further rumoured that ‘the cubs’ (as the 30 month plus young boys are known), have embarked on training programs deemed more advanced than even that of the cross-fit gymnasiums currently sweeping the nation. In photos leaked to Tyrone Tribulations, we can confirm children are being taught to perform the Snatch, Clean and Jerk Olympic style power lifts, with purpose built toy weights. Initial reports suggest that the clubhouse fitness suite is allegedly preparing for pram sized parking spaces to be painted on the tar, and boxes of pampers, dummies and babies bottles have been spotted beside the vending machine in the foyer.

One local we spoke to outside Tessie’s, who did not want to be named ‘for security reasons’, nervously indicated that the rumours may indeed be true.

 “Hi, what Cassidy says, goes round these parts, hi.”

He stammered on:

“No man questions him- they just do whatever he tells them to do… Sure there’s one of the reserves who carries his own shite around in a wee lunch box with him everywhere he goes because Cassidy says it will make him faster. He was put out of Begley’s shop last week cause of the smell – and him in looking about new boots. Apparently he fairly shifted out the door alright.”

When pressed whether Mr Cassidy would consider such ground-breaking and controversial steps, our source told us:

“aye, well- you could say he’s the new Mickey Harte, but he’s from Derry, so you wouldn’t really say that,”

before darting off.

Damian Cassidy was approached for comment and, while he duly obliged, apart from the word “sir” we were unable to ascertain what he had to say. A Derry/Tyrone translator could not decipher the tapes we recorded. Mr Cassidy did, however, nod his head three times yet shook his head FOUR times over the course of his interview, which we take as a firm denial of the new youth training policy.

Omagh Architect Sacked After Designing Complete Estate On Minecraft

Acorn Grove in Omagh

Acorn Grove in Omagh

Omagh Building And Construction Limited have confirmed they have sacked the first employee to join their firm since its inception five years ago.

Gary Molloy, a 23 year old Queen’s University graduate in Architectural Engineering from Tattyreagh, was handed the reins for a new flagship estate to be built in the outskirts of Omagh called Acorn Grove which was to signal the first major housing development in the country since the banking collapse.

Company CEO Johnny Ore explained their decision:

“It was a bit of a shock. At the lunchtime unveiling of the supposed hi-tech design estate which was attended by MLAs and any hobnob within a 50-mile radius, our man pulled out an Xbox and started showing us around his ‘world’ on a big screen. The penny didn’t drop until he started fighting off zombies and skeletons with bow and arrows and killing pigs and cattle for food. It was quite embarrassing. Young ones nowadays are not really getting the thick line between fact and fiction. On the plus side, the food was great. Full marks to Sallys and their corn beef sandwiches.”

A despondent Molloy remains defiant that he’ll crack the virtual market yet:

“Tyrone is just not ready for an imaginary world built out of textural cubes in a 3D developed platform. I’ll find somewhere else more open minded like Castledawson or Canada. I think the older ones were worried about the zombies and all but you can hack away at them with imaginary pickaxes or shovels and the like. It’s quite simple really and would have made a wonderful addition to the greater Omagh landscape. They’ve missed out big time.”

Molloy was given his marching orders soon after the presentation when an investigation was carried out into his CV claims of being a World Cup winning manager. The confident Tattyreagh man confirmed it was in the FIFA 14 game on the Playstation and that he’d won it with the Faroe Islands six times.

Stormont Outlaws Photo-bombing In Tyrone

Rebel Priest Photo-bombing

Rebel Priest Photo-bombing

In a move which has been described as ‘draconian’ and ‘pure mad’, Stormont officials have moved to ban anyone from photo-bombing in county Tyrone.

Photo-bombing, the modern phenomenon of unexpectedly dropping in behind someone being photographed, has been on the rise in the county ever since mobile phones replaced Polaroid instant cameras in 2008 as the most popular camera device in homes.

A government insider informed us today:

“Photo-bombing is a throwback to the bad old days. Our many communities don’t need this and that’s why from today anyone caught photo-bombing will be gathered up in unmarked jeeps and interned indefinitely. We want these people off the streets and Tyrone is a good place to start off as there seems to be a rash of photo-bombers all over that land. Ireland says NO to photo-bombers. We might need to re-word the Good Friday Agreement just.”

Initial reports gathered from Twitter and Facebook suggests there have already been three photo-bombers arrested – in Ardboe, Galbally and Loughmacrory, sparking outrage and spontaneous bonfires in all three regions. Galbally tourism director Jill Maguire is adamant there will be resistance to the government’s latest initiative. Using a voice-warp microphone she told us:

“Them boys sitting up in Belfast are out of order. I can’t believe Martin McGuinness has sanctioned this move, and him a serial photo-bomber at football matches and christenings. We’re sending this message out loud and clear – we will not be moved. We’ll be photo-bombing like mad tonight all over the county.”

Although rumours of a continuity photo-bombing group forming in Brocagh are wide of the mark, there has been a rash of digital cameras and balaclavas bought in Dungannon, Cookstown and Omagh today in an obvious show of defiance. PSNI have drafted in 40 UN troops to help monitor the situation. A county holds its breath.

Archeological Find In Stewartstown Indicates High Technological Intelligence

Scientists last night were said to be dumbfounded and bedazzled at the discovery of old mobile phones at a dig in the area, dating right back to the 1960s.

Authorities were notified about possible important fossils after diggers at a new site on the town came across a pile of massive mobile phones wrapped up in toilet tissue paper. On further inspection, it appears that these mobiles pre-dated the iphone and other smart phones by at least 40 years going by some of the text messages discovered on them.

One such message dates back to the 1969 moon landing and hints at the scepticism around Stewartstown at the time:

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Professor Jack Lyons explains:

“This is quite remarkable. It appears that the residents of Stewartstown had invented messaging capabilities long before the superpowers across the globe. Going by the finds, it appears they were using BT as a service provider by hooking up one big phone to an electricity pole as a generator. “

Other examples show a timeline of life in the 80s and 90s in Stewartstown:

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Local historian Kitty Fee was coy on the finds:

“Yes I was aware we were ahead of the game at the time. But, it’s something we don’t want dug up, ok? In 1999 we took a decision to destroy all these phones after sexting became rife in the town. Men and women were sending dirty pictures to each other at all hours and the priest was going mad and said he was going to excommunicate us all. It had to stop. Now, move on.”

One of our journalists was able to leak another text to the office which throws light on the sexting debacle that threatened to destabilise the town:

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Dromore Boy’s Birthday Ruined As Father Paints Bedroom Carrickmore Colours

Dromore Boy's Ceiling

Dromore Boy’s Ceiling

An 8-year-old Dromore GAA fanatic’s birthday was officially ‘his worst ever’ after his father’s surprise bedroom makeover ended in tears and accusations of deliberate tampering.

Kieran McCullagh, who plays under 10 for the club and never misses a match at all levels, was told to go to his room after the cake as there was a great surprise in there for him. His uncle, Kevin, described the scene:

“You could hear the screams. Young Kieran’s parents aren’t really into the football and trusted the painter to get the right paint for the job. Unfortunately, the painter was a Carrickmore man by the name of McGarrity who is now claiming Mr and Mrs McCullagh asked him for a bedroom of football colours, not specifically Dromore. The whole room is green, white and orange – not his beloved Dromore blue and white. A catastrophe.”

Jack McCullagh is adamant he told the painter to decorate it in Dromore GAA colours:

“I definitely told him Dromore. This is a handlin and a half. I tried to tell our Kieran sure it’s the Ireland colours and he cried even harder as that made no sense at all with pictures of Conor Gormley and Oz McCallan all over the show. And a big Carrickmore crest. McGarrity is accepting no refunds. He’s done this on purpose but according to my son I’ve made a balls of this.”

Investigations are suggesting that McGarrity has a history of this with stories leaking about deliberate sabotage across the country. A Tattyreagh mother claims he once decorated her daughter’s bedroom with Cliff Richard wallpaper after she had instructed him to modernise it with some singers from the XFactor or something like that.

“He’s a bollocks,” she told us.

Trillick ‘Antiques Roadshow’ Episode Cancelled Due To ‘Excessive Amounts Of Junk’

Antiques-Roadshow

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The BBC confirmed this morning that they have decided not air an episode of Antiques Roadshow due to the ‘staggering amounts of garbage’ that people produced.

Producers of the show, which was based on a field just outside Trillick, were said to have become exasperated at some of the articles presented by locals for valuation, which included: a half-used tube of Peter Canavan’s hair gel from 1982; a digital clock that the owner insisted was from the Tudor period; a Tyrone GAA air freshener; a parking ticket issued in Coalisland High Street, believed to the only one of its kind in existence.

Presenter Fiona Bruce was reported to have said,

“I don’t mean to be rude or disrespectful to the wonderful people of Tyrone, but the stuff they brought in was shit. It was like some of them had just rummaged around in the back of the cupboard to see what they could find just so they could get on the BBC.”

This was hotly disputed by local organiser Terence Kerr, who fumed,

“How dare she accuse us of that sort of behaviour just to get on telly? It might be junk to them but it’s priceless to us. I myself have a genuine St Brigid’s cross made by none other St Patrick himself when he was passing through Carnteel in the sixth century, one of only four originals he made. Of course it’s of enormous sentimental value to me and I would never even think of parting with it. Not for less than twenty quid at any rate”.

Another attendee, 54-year old Bernie Duggan from Annaghmore, argued,

“To be honest, I just had a wee rummage in the back of the cupboard to see what I could find, so’s I could maybe get on the TV. And to my surprise I discovered what I’m sure is an un-released recording of Hugo Duncan doing a cover version of Motorhead’s ‘Ace of Spades’ when he was letting his hair down one night in Kelly’s Bar in 1978. I’ve no idea how it got there, but it’s got to be worth a few quid”.

The show was abandoned after five hours, when the most expensive item valued was a packet of Opal Fruits, circa 1982, still in its original wrapping, which was valued at 50 pence.

Slimline Darren Clarke To Shorten His Name To A Symbol; Others To Follow Suit

Darren Clarke

Darren Clarke

Major winner Darren Clarke from Dungannon, who has shed pounds through a gruelling fitness programme, is reportedly about to slim his name as well, following in the footsteps of American singer Prince who adopted a symbol in the 90s. Reports tonight within the county suggest that many local stars may also follow suit including footballer Peter Canavan, singer Hugo Duncan and snooker player Dennis Taylor.

A golfing insider, who may or may not have met the golfing giant, insists he will choose a circle with a pile of lines around it and a plus sign. Johnny Ray added:

“Yes, he will probably adopt the symbol soon, reflecting his new look. It’s sort of hard to pronounce but it’s sort of like Gnnrrrhhh. To be honest I haven’t spoken to Darren about this but there’s a chance this is true. It could mark an Indian Summer for the great man, despite the difficulty the first tee announcers will have saying Gnnrrrhhh.”

Reports from Ballygawley suggest that Peter Canavan is watching closely how all this pans out and already has a sign made for his switch from a normal name to a symbol. GAA expert Donal McAnulty admitted:

The Artist Formally Known As Peter Canavan

The Footballer Formally Known As Peter Canavan

“I have been heavily involved in this process. If all goes well with Darren, Peter Canavan’s new name will be a bemused baldy man symbol. Word people say it’s pronounced Verrrrmm. I have it on good authority that if this goes ahead he will refuse to answer anyone who calls him Peter.”

Hugo Duncan will soon announce that a cream bun will be his new name whilst Dennis Taylor will adopt a piece of turf in place of his baptismal name.

Meanwhile Prince, who now uses his original name, has warned against these proposed changes, claiming it was awkward on the phone when people would ask for him using his one-time symbol which was completely silent when translated.

“I was on the bucking phone for ages asking who they were looking to speak to. Sometimes up to four hours.”

 

 

‘Crimea River’ Says Coalisland Mayor Over Communist Link

old-man-laughingBy Aughoughilley Schniffles

Red Handers Out East

Red Handers Out East

In a move that United States Congress are treating as ‘hostile’, Mayor of Coalisland Mickey ‘Shagger’ Lambe has sent a sobering message to Western forces that they can “cry me a river” over the mounting tensions in the Ukraine and insisting they should “stay out of it, and stick til worryin’ about Coca Cola an big Macs”.

Lambe maintained that Tyrone men have been “out and about, gettin’ on tara well with the oul communists over thundar” since before the second world war.

 “East Tyrone and Eastern Bloc. Sure why do you think there is a canal in the ‘Island?” he quipped, “And don’t give me any of that Corn Mill shite…”

Mr Lambe shockingly revealed that his grandfather, Marty ‘Docket’ Lambe *, has original engineers’ survey data and the blue prints of the modern canal which runs from Coalisland to nearby lough Neagh.

‘Docket’* is said to have travelled most of modern day Moscow, Georgia, and Serbia, where he chaired several meetings with senior communists who were promising copious amounts of Eastern oil and vodka, in return for local Coalisland household coal and O Neills sportswear, all to be transported via the canal.

In a contact valid to this day, Coalisland still receives an undisclosed amount of cheap vodka and home heating oil despite not having sent any coal out since 1953, with the last Tyrone Jersey leaving for Georgia in early 2008. This week’s revelation is being blamed for the increased police and diesel dippers presence in the town recently.

‘Shagger’ Lambe reminded the West:

“If America thinks its gonna feck this up for us, they have annarr thing coming till them. I’ll go over there and challenge Obama the very best” he said, adding finally “shut thon gate after yez, that bull’s a randy hoor.”

 

* Lambe’s grandfather Marty ‘Docket’, famed for scoring three penalties in the closing stages of the ’38 minor final for Na Fianna, was controversially embroiled in and then later cleared of Tyrone’s first ever match fixing scandal. He was accused of being in cahoots with the Derrylaughan keeper ‘Tiddley’ Donnolly, who blames leaving his glasses in the changing rooms at half time for the late hat trick of concessions to his net. ‘Docket’ remains the only Tyrone man to win the Vladivar senior ‘Player of the Year’ 7 times, despite only ever playing 6 seasons of football in the blue and white.

 

 

Windmill GFC Offer Moyes A Quick Return To Management

Made for Windmill

Made for Windmill

East Tyrone was hiving with journalists this morning after it emerged that the newly re-formed Windmill GFC, who previously terrorised the Tyrone football scene, are considering offering David Moyes the vacant managerial position with immediate effect.

Moyes, who was this morning sacked by Manchester United, is said to be ‘considering his options’ and has been trying to find Windmill on Google Maps. An attractive package is being mulled over at the clubrooms in order to attract the Scot with an unlimited supply of jellied eels hopefully tipping the scales in their favour. Chairman Vinny ‘cut throat’ Dawson admitted:

“We’re very excited with the deal we’re proposing. As well as the eel situation, we are scouring the lough shore for old barns and sheds that we can do up and give Moyes that realistic rustic feeling of old Ireland that Americans pay millions for. As we speak there’s a shed above Moortown that fits the bill as soon as we can relocate the wild livestock. Moyes is the sort of boy we’ve been after. Ginger, fierce temper and a disregard for dental hygiene. He’ll fit right in here.”

Moyes’ PR woman has already touched down in Belfast and was quick to fan the flames of current rumours:

“David is a real eel man. He’s always making jokes about eels like ‘It’s a eely nice day today’ and all that type of stuff. In fact, he’s mad about them. Also he thinks Windmill also sounds romantic, like Niagara Falls or Ayers Rock. Paradise even. I think he visualises rolling glens with windmills twirling gently on hilltops and fair maidens dancing gaily in frocks with buckets of fresh milk draped across their shoulders. I’m heading that direction now to confirm his fantasies. I’ll be taking in Ardboe, Brocagh, Carnan and Ballinderry too.”

Meanwhile, Windmill are hoping to secure the services of Mickey Coleman to sing ‘The Old Cross of Ardboe’ and ‘Stop Yer Ticklin Jock’ before his unveiling.

Brocagh Woman Admitted To Hospital; Can’t Stop Making Sandwiches

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A Brocagh woman spent last night in Dungannon hospital after a marked increase in her addiction to making sandwiches for anyone passing within shouting distance of her house.

Authorities were called to 62-year old Deirdre McFarland’s house in Mountjoy Road after a visiting neighbour, 58 year old Aileen Hughes, was plied with so many sandwiches that she herself was rushed to hospital with a suspected ruptured stomach.

Medical experts are concerned that the condition may be a genetic affliction and could in fact affect many women in Tyrone, particularly older women.

“That’s right”, confirmed hospital doctor Sheila Quinn from Edendork. “People should look out for the warning signs. Constantly making people cups of tea is usually the first stage, then it’s the sandwiches, and before you know it, it’s like a full-blown episode of Father Ted”.

Neighbours admitted that they suspected McFarland’s addiction for some time.

“Aye, she’s afeared of being thought of as tight, so she goes over the top. I saw the oil delivery man go in last week and five minutes later heard Deirdre shouting, ‘Go on, horse it into ya, Cynthia’ at the top of her voice”.

Worse was to come for the unsuspecting oil man, as 31-year old Seamie McNamara from Granville explained:

“She offered me a sandwich when I went to get the cheque, so I insisted on just having a cup of tay in ma haun, but lo and behold five minutes later out came this big clatter of ham and tomato sarnies. I wouldn’t have minded but I was only five minutes out of Cabragh Filling Station so I’d already had a mighty feed. I didn’t want to offend her so I tried my best to get four or five of them down me, just to show willing like. I thought I had done my bit, but then did she not go into the kitchen and come out with more. She thought I was bloody starving. I didn’t think it through. There must have been about a pint of salad cream in them cheese sandwiches. Tara. I near passed out. There’s only so much wheaten and Kerrygold a man can take”.

Reports this morning confirmed that McFarland’s postman had previously made a formal complaint after his weight ballooned by three stone in as many months after succumbing to her hospitality.

Moy Hunter Nearly Takes Head Clean Off Easter Bunny

McKeown, concerned

McKeown, concerned

The head of the Moy Riflers Association (MRA), Harry Mackle, has initiated an investigation into an incident described as “an inch away from an Easter Day Massacre”. 

The almost-tragic accident occurred at 3am this morning on the Benburb Road whilst members of the MRA were out hunting for bears or wolves as they do once a month. Unbeknownst to Mackle and co, Pat McKeown had at the same time donned an Easter bunny costume and was leaving a trail of chocolate eggs from his wife’s bed to a secluded spot near the Moy football field.

McKeown added:

“I’d been planning this for weeks. It’s our 10th wedding anniversary and I was hoping she’d wake up at 4am and see the trail, follow it down the road and find me here in my Bunny costume where I’d serenade her with my bugle, probably some Nathan Carter number. It was all going to plan. Well, until three bullets whizzed past by ear.”

Mackle, who wasn’t out hunting bears that night, feels sympathy for his riflers and maintains he’d do the same in that position:

“You need to realise, we’re primed for expecting bears and wolves. We’re killing machines. Since we set up nine years ago, not a shot has been fired in anger as there doesn’t appear to be many bears left in Ireland. But, we’re always cocked and if you see this big bunny in front of you with a bugle in his hand, it’d be hard not to blow the head clean off it.”

Luckily, one of the riflers recognised McKeown’s bugle and an apology was made. All made it back for a moonlit drinking session in an illegal shebeen in the village.

Meanwhile, McKeown has reported his wife as ‘missing’.

Tyrone County Board To ‘3D print’ Ricey For Championship

old-man-laughing

By Aughoughilley Schniffles

 

Brian Dooher, Goalkeeper Pascall McConnell, Ryan McMenamin, Justin McMahon and Joe McMahon 21/9/2008

It was revealed at last night’s emergency Tyrone County Board meeting that, due to Tyrone’s “higher than expected” scoring concessions in the National Football League Division One campaign, the Red Hand County will be using new 3D print technology to create SIX new copies of Ryan McMenamin.

 

Tyrone, having scored 140 points and conceded 135 points in the 2014 NFL, will be looking to tighten up for their championship opener which is just a matter of weeks away.

Marty ‘eyebrow’ Canavan, former Trillick U16, Ardboe minor, and Fintona senior full-back, and current chairman of the board, revealed:

“ach aye… no doubt!”

whilst squinting his eyes and scratching his forehead.

He went on:

“Indeed byjaysis. See, Tony Donnelly said til Mickey at training Wednesday wick ago that lookin at the stats we could be doin wi somehin’… any’hing, y’see. After scoring the last of his 5-18 in an in house match, young McCurry shouted over til Mickey that it was all a bit too easy for him, and that you’d need a clatter of Riceys in the back line, ye’know, til put a bit of bite into the thing, and it all really tuck aff from there hi. Nixt ‘hing we got the printer organised from Germany, an she arrived at Garvaghey the other night and were good till go!”

Operation ‘Ricey-kill’, which kicks into action this week, intends to put a more snap and crack into the fold, with funds reputedly coming from recycled crisp packet moneys of empty Hunky Dory bags that have been left at Omagh’s county grounds since January.

It is anticipated that the 6 ‘Riceys’ will be ready to pop into action for the first week of the All Ireland Senior Football Championship. In a move some will find controversial, initial reports suggest it will cost $6million in titanium alone, shipped from NASA, for the skeletons, with $350,000 worth of hydrochloric acid (also being flown over from the US), for use as the blood – all of which the board insists will be money well spent.

More People On Mobility Scooters Than Not In Cookstown

Jack Sheehy Out Shopping

Jack Sheehy Out Shopping

Cookstown has become a ‘nightmare’ for pedestrians and motorists alike after it emerged that there are more residents on mobility scooters than those walking about on two feet. Of the 11’000 population in the district, 6000 were on the scooters ranging from ages 3-103 including an entire teaching staff at a local school.

Cynics have pointed out that the DLA culture in the town has become so endemic that people were prepared to give up their ability to walk for the majority of the day in order to claim the £56.75 per week tax-free benefit. Jack Sheehy, who won the 2009 disco-dancing competition in the Greenvale before succumbing to a mysterious ‘sore legs’ syndrome, denies the accusations:

“People should walk in my shoes before they make a judgement. Or you know what I mean. One minute I was an unemployed dancing extraordinaire, the next I’ve deadly sore legs and on a scooter. It’s hard for me to you know. There be times when a good song comes on and I instinctively get up to dance and fall over after three minutes or so when I remember my legs are deadly sore.”

Trouser stall owner Imran Kant admits it’s almost impossible to hold the town market now on a Saturday.

“It’s like an attack of the mobility scooterers. At 9am you can hear the whirl of the wheels from all around and before long there are 3000+ Cookstonians smashing into each other on their way for the bargains. It’s a savage sight. You end up spending more time lifting up overturned scooters in the rush to get a pair of £8 jeans.”

Doubts over the legitimacy of some of the claims have been magnified after a picture was released on Twitter showing souped-up scooters being raced down the main street at four in the morning, cheered on by other recipients of the DLA allowance, jumping up and down when bets came up.

 

Pomeroy Man Sells Bottled Air To Lowlands People

Soviet_mayones_jar_250_ml copyA Pomeroy farmer, who owns land at the highest point in the village, has sold nearly 100 bottles and jars of his local air to residents of Derrylaughan and Derrytresk.

The mountainous village, which at some points is nearly 30m above sea level, is known for its clean air such is its closeness to our atmopshere. On the other hand, the townland of Derryvarn on the loughshore is reportedly 5m below sea level and locals often complain of living in a big puddle and of not seeing the sun or moon for most of the year.

Johnny Kavanagh appears to have solved some of their problems by bottling some of his best air and flogging it to desperate lowland families, selling it as ‘a bit of Everert in your living room’.

“The idea hit me when Pomeroy were playing Derrylaughan in a friendly a few weeks ago. I noticed the lack of clean pure air in the district, and that was after I got over the fact that Lough Neagh seemed higher than the pitch itself. I felt sorry for the locals as our boys seemed more tanned and happy whereas the lowlanders were obviously lacking in vitamin D. It was there and then that I thought I’d bring a little bit of Pomeroy to these poor people.”

Starting at £29.99 per jar, Kavanagh has a range of jars filled with air from Cavanakeeran, Cappagh and the most expensive air from Sessiadonaghy which retails for £79.99. Jacinta Hagan from Derrytresk Rd, who has already bought three jars of Cornamaddy air, maintains this new product has changed their lives:

“As soon as I opened the jar in the front living room, everyone’s form lifted. All 10 of us were gathered around the vessel and I let out about 3 seconds of air. We started breathing like mad and it felt like we were getting lightheaded. Them Pomeroy ones must feel deadly all the time, like as if they’re stoned. Three seconds was enough. The man says there’s enough air in the jar for ten 3-second releases, though it’s very hard to know when the air is done unless you write down all the times you opened it.”

Kavanagh has plans to bottle some laughter from his area to share with some dour Brocagh people.

 

 

 

 

 

Tyrone Man Making Millions From Diesel-Scented Perfume ‘Juice’

Drives Men Mad

A Cabragh entrepreneur has struck it rich after his range of women’s perfumes have sent mens’ pulses racing across rural parts of Ireland since its release last weekend. The product, named ‘Juice’, has rocketed off the shelves in locations such as Keady, Granard, Clonmel, Westport, Lisnaskea, Crossmaglen and Trillick, clocking up 20’000 sales in under two days. 

Paddy Rea, who appeared on Dragon’s Den last year but was unsuccessful in convincing millionaires to invest in his idea for a spade-come-shovel called a ‘spovel’, has already splashed out on Easter clothes and a new set of duvets for the house. The ex log-chopper also expressed a desire to expand his product worldwide and make burger-flavoured perfume in America and computer-scented cologne in Japan.

“For years I knew that women who smelt of oil and petrol sent men weak at the knees around these parts. I used to court a girl from Galbally and she’d be up to her eyeballs in fully synthetic car-lube. I had a hard time keeping her and eventually lost her to a farmer from Fintona who owned 12 acres. This is a logical next step. There are plenty of women out there wondering what the missing ingredient is when it comes to holding on to a much sought after Tyrone man. Now I have the answer.”

Rea admits he is surprised at the national appeal of his product but promises to stay true to his roots and build his factory near Dungannon:

“The women in South Armagh are drowning in this product. It’s amazing. Men can hardly work for running after women. I heard that Crossmaglen Rangers have urged their female supporters to wear ordinary perfume to games as it was distracting their players. Unfortunately more urban teams from the likes of Omagh and Cookstown are paying their women to wear it so it sends their country opponents crazy. I don’t mind either way. More dough for my office on the  Dungannon Road.”

Juice‘ is on sale in most reputable supermarkets, starting at £19.99.

‘Milk In First’ Report On Tea-Making Sparks Outrage Across County

Re-enactment of tea pouring

Re-enactment of tea pouring

    BY SHENGAS MCGLUMPHIE9H82SCAD1JNKUCAKSAM4ECA4CFUS8CABDPQ8CCAXR4253CA9UCDRXCAZBL4K7CA1YI0EICAZ6P35OCAEDMHWLCAHUXD0ZCAPW5AAECAQL7DFICAR354RDCANGIQ7ECAEL7GBKCA8R1O4LCAF5SXOD

Disturbances broke out across parts of Tyrone yesterday after a report produced by the Institute of Studies said that putting milk into the cup before the tea makes it taste better.

The report, authored by Tyrone-born professor of science Wolfgang O’Neill, has stated that putting milk into the cup first, rather than tea followed by the milk, makes it tastier, and, controversially, that those individuals who put it in first are more likely to be much cleverer than those who don’t. The report went on to hypothesise that people who insist on dunking biscuits into their tea are also far more intellectually advanced than their non-dunking counterparts, stating,

‘Dunkers, previously dismissed as a bunch of uncouth, ill-mannered hoors, may actually be high-functioning geniuses with highly advanced mental faculties, with an IQ far higher even than people like Stephen Fry, that boyo who does Mastermind, and Hugo Duncan’.

O’Neill denied that the report was produced on the back of a bunch of unsubstantiated half-truths with virtually no substance.

“Abject nonsense. All my research was done under almost laboratory conditions. I watched people pour their tay in the Millwheel in Dungannon and McGlinchey’s in Coalisland, and then asked them their 7-times table and if they knew what the capital of France was. The dunkers and milk-in-first brigade were miles ahead”.

Residents living in the centre of Dungannon feared for their safety when a contingent of mildly-irritated pensioners took to the streets to protest against the findings in the report, with one shop-owner being threatened with a Blue Riband biscuit. Cyril McGlone from Altmore, determined not to be stereotyped as just another pensioner trotting out the usual generalisations, said,

“This sort of thing would never have happened in my day. It’s political correctness gone mad. Everything in moderation, that’s what I say. Young people of today have no respect. I’m 84 you know”.

O’Neill had also intended to include in his report a potential link between acting the eejit and coffee-drinkers, but struggled to find participants for the study.

“We couldn’t find anyone in the county who drank coffee, not even in Donaghmore. That’s why there’s none of thon fancy Starbucks or Costa Coffee shops anywhere. I even went into the Linen Green in Dungannon to see if they sold it and they said, ‘We don’t do cocktails’. It’s likely we might have to go as far afield as Armagh to find someone who drinks it. However”, said the scientist confidently, “Preliminary reports indicate that coffee drinkers are likely to be sly, distrustful, and have eyes that are too close together. Fact”.

Tyrone Priests Urged To Put On Variety Acts During Sunday Masses

Priests raring to go

Priests raring to go

Following the worldwide acclaim for the singing priest at a wedding in County Meath, priests across Tyrone have been told to up their game and capitalize on the feel-good factor directed towards the Catholic Church since the video went viral. 

Reports emerging this morning suggests parishioners are to expect fireworks in some parts of the county with rumours of juggling, tightrope balancing and dog-tricks rife, especially around the Loughmacrory area.

A Kildress grave-digger and church groundsman has promised a spectacular show for the parish, having witnessed midnight practice sessions whilst digging graves for possible future bereavements. Paddy McNally (55) added:

“It’s going to be some craic and fair play to the clergy in Kildress. I don’t want to say too much and spoil the occasion but the four priest in the area are going to put on a memorable show. One is dressed as a Native American Indian, one as a policeman, one as a builder and the last is a cowboy. They’re singing something about the Young Men’s Christian Association although luckily they have shortened it to YMCA and do these mad arm movements. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

In Moortown, Fr Graham has been reportedly spotted balancing on a unicycle in his spare time whilst juggling chalices and candles. This has hurled pressure on the Ardboe clergy to rethink their idea of simply reading Mass in a funny voice.

“Yes, as soon as we heard about Graham on the unicycle, we went back to the drawing board. I’m not at liberty to say how we’ll outperform the Moortown ones but let’s just say it involves face paint, blue pipe, a bull and ten bottles of stout. It’ll be deadly, I guarantee that much. All in the name of our Lord.”

The Vatican are monitoring proceedings closely.

 

Tyrone SF Politician Pointed At Stuff In Windsor Castle to Save Taxpayers’ Money On Interpreter

McEldruff in London

McEldruff in London

Barney McEldruff, a minor Sinn Fein politician who was invited to Windsor Castle as part of the Irish President’s visit to London, was hailed as a financial do-gooder after he refused the use of an interpreter during the dinner and simply pointed at things he wanted.

London officials had expressed concern earlier in the week that the presence of someone from Carrickmore would cost taxpayers millions due to the astronomical costs of interpreters in the city. Sinn Fein were also aware of the adverse publicity such a move would create and had tried to put off McEldruff by warning him about the floods over there and the amount of pickpocketers there might be prowling around England.

Undettered, the novice politician was adamant he would attend the function as his name came out of the hat during the half time draw at the recent Ard Fheis.

“I know the Carrickmore accent can be wild hard to comprehend, especially outside of Pomeroy, but I was confident I could point at things I wanted during the dinner, like. And so it panned out. I successfully pointed at the soup, spuds, lamb, peas and lemon pie. No bother like.”

McEldruff admitted there were a few awkward moments as the night progressed:

“Yes, well the pints were flying and ordering those was easy. I just did the pint-down-neck gesture. However I was bursting for the toilet. I was shouting ‘bogs’ but the butlers and maids couldn’t understand. So I pulled down my cacks and took the boyo out and pointed to it. Next thing I was being thrown out of the castle by two burly guards. I gave that queen’s daffodils some watering though.”

The Carrickmore man concluded that London wasn’t ‘all that deadly‘ and that they ‘hardly knew anything about diesel and stuff‘.

Brackaville Jerseys Outlawed In Coalisland

New Campaign Poster

New Brackaville-Free Campaign Poster

Following the Traditional Unionist Voice’s (TUV) suggestion that the wearing of GAA clothing in Universities in Ulster (UU) is causing distress, the Coalisland Cultural Committee (CCC) immediately passed a motion tonight banning the wearing of Brackaville jerseys anywhere in the greater Coalisland area, even as far as halfway down the Washingbay Road.

The ban also stretches to the Bush Road junction, the Primate Dixon, the Derryvale Road, Lisnastraine Road and down as far as Clonoe church, creating a circular 3-mile exclusion zone.

The CCC’s CEO Paddy Herron explained:

“We also feel intimidated seeing the blood-red jersey from up the road walking about the town without a care in the word, eating our chips like as if they’re from here. Well, from tomorrow that stops. Anyone seen with any regalia belonging to the Owen Roes club will be bundled into the back of a motor and brought back up as far as Roan Beg. Do it twice and they’ll be made to stand in the middle of the roundabout for an hour and that’s not an attractive proposal, as anyone who has driven through here can testify.”

Brackaville fanatic and a frequent visitor to Coalisland watering-holes, Jack Robinson, admits it’ll be hard finding something else to wear before heading down to The Island for a few jars:

“We are a peaceful people but I suppose the Coalisland ones are free to enforce their own rules. They even have their own jails and all here. I have a good jumper for Sundays but I’ll have to use it a bit more often now. We have our own handshake anyway so that’ll have to do when we met each other in the exclusion zone.”

Herron has angrily denied claims that a militant group have hastily formed to slap Brackavillians on the back of the head who flaunt the new rules:

“Listen, there’s a slappin session every day in the town between us. Stop making stuff up.”

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